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Oh, yes I have the decent book authorish, homeowner, mentor-y credentials now. But when I was girl, teen and young*er* woman, I couldn't get out of this abusive releationship. With myself. I went through lots of traumas and dramas and self-hatred. (Keep reading for my rap sheet).

Was this just growing up girl? Nope. I needed to be hooked up to a self-respect drip. Thank gawd I now know how to get my fix.

Although I've doubled in age since some of my biggest disrespect spirals, it's all still right here in the old memory bank. I guess what I'm saying to the girls of the world to whom I'm SO majorly devoted to today: I can relate, sisters.

Sometimes...I too hated my body. I too let people use me. I too was violated. I too was mean to others. I too was mean to my mom (sorry mommy--love you!). Like many of you, I needed my dad to do his job but he was hurting too much to show up to work (I made it, though, and so did he--love you dad!). I went out with guys who didn't respect themselves and *really* didn't respect me. I went through a nasty teen-binge-drinking stage. I cut school. I lied to myself and others. I didn't always appreciate being biracial or short or booty-esque. I too let myself down by not reaching my potential every single day.

I was on a disrespect tear sometimes and my parents couldn't stop me (believe me!). Despite my crisp cheerleading outfit (yep, that's right) sometimes my real spirit felt broken down. I felt like I was making the same mistakes over and over and over. Sometimes I was proud of myself. Other days I wanted to disown me. And I hid a lot this stuff and my feelings really well. The Academy doesn't know what it's missing.

So how did I get from that to this? I made the respect connection. I knew I wanted to be somebody. Then I realized I *already* was! I was here. Good enough...

First, I put my non-student-of-the-year-past behind me and went to college (community college, remedial math, the works--hey I barely got out of HS despite my full dance card). Some really cool teachers encouraged me. I found my passion (journalism). I also started "walking around the hole." Which is to say, I stopped doing stuff that made me feel bad, icky, dumb. I had, like, real goals--so outta my way! If something didn't feel right, I put on the brakes. I tried not to repeat experiences that made me feel like crap. BOUNDARIES. I found mine. I started hanging around people who respected themselves, too (or just paying attention to the fact that a lot of my friends had always been booming with self-respect). I learned how to talk again. Like about what was so not OK to do to me and what really mattered to me and what I thought about the world and other stuff.

I started to make self-respect the engine under my hood. And that was just the beginning to putting myself back on the road to respect.

I still struggle with some issues that my 13- to 18-year-old self battled, like: Appreciating and taking care of my body. Communicating honestly in all my relationships. Listening to myself. Gossiping too much. I still feel--sometimes--like I'm not good enough. But honestly, not that often. Sounds stuck up? Trust me it's a good thing. You gotta love and accept the one you're with, girls (Ms. You). You gotta "wear your crown" as O would say.

So why do I harp all day about respect, and write books and blogs about it? Because I want every girl to reach her potential. I want every girl to value herself more than all the bling in the world. I want every girl to be safe and to heal from the bad-dark stuff that happens. I want every girl to discover what one of my teacher's calls your "soul wisdom." In other words, I want you to know the real you and to be all in love with you. I want you to know how to stand by and for you. Then you can spread your yummy amazingness to the world. The world *needs* you to make it. It needs you to blow the lid off this mutha (in your own way, of course)! And it starts with respect on the inside.

Here I am this girl who didn't have a compass or a clue when I was a teen. I figured it out the hard, harder, hardest way. Because I love all girls like a sister, now I want to show you some shortcuts. In this case, you can totally cheat off my paper and read my diary...

And about my rap sheet. I wouldn't take any of it back (again, sorry mom!). Finding my way to Respect-ville was worth the journey. Because in life you can always make another choice and go in another direction and learn. That's the point after all.

Even my mom *tried* to tell me this in her graduation message to me in my yearbook. You know the ones. I just dug it out to scan a pic of that awesomely-big-haired-photo above. My smarty-pants mom said something so cool to me back then (single tear):

Please remember this as you start your new journey in life. We are constantly becoming what eventually we are going to be.

If you don't want to listen to your mom, listen to mine! Respect is your birthright. Isn't it time you got what you deserved?

Here's how to get started: know the basics and know your rights.

P.S. How do you struggle for respect? What have you figured out so far? Tell me--submit your comments below!

Comments (0) | by Courtney on February 4

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