• go to The Respect Institute

My dad always yells at me and calls me names. It really hurts my feelings but if I yell back I get in even more trouble. My mom doesn't do anything. What should I do?

Rx: First, [hug]. Second, I totally feel for you—I know that it really does hurt so much. What you're dad is doing is called "verbal abuse" and for most if us it leaves deep scars just like physical abuse. You just can't see the wounds as easily, right?

When our family put us down it seems to hurt more than anything in the world because we love them so much (and want them to love us). But the yelling and name-calling can make us feel just the opposite: Like no one loves us. And when this happens, a disrespect spiral starts that can pull you off course from reaching your potential in life. It's hard to make your dreams come true and to be the best you if you don't think you're worthy of love and respect.

So how do you deal when someone who is bigger than you, and has power over you, verbally abuses you? Try these steps to protect you and your self-respect:

Know you don't deserve it. You have a right to feel and be safe. No matter what goes down before your dad tears into you, it's not your fault. He's choosing to deal with his feelings, and probably abuse he suffered, by abusing you. You're not "making" him do it. From your family to loves/crushes to friends to your boss or teacher, **no one** has the right to abuse you. What they're saying isn't the truth about you. You don't (and never) deserve it.

Get help. When you feel ready (and I hope it's soon), tell someone in your life what's going on and how it's making you feel. Is there someone else in your family you can turn to? Can you tell your mom how it's hurting you? If so, ask her to step in and put a stop to what's happening or to sign your whole family up for counseling. Getting help by speaking up is brave. And it's better than what some girls end up doing when they feel like they have no options, like running away or turning to substances to numb the pain or abusing themselves in other ways.

If you can't talk to a friend, family member or trusted adult, please call a helpline. They will help you!

I know you're probably afraid that your dad will get in trouble. Still, you *are* loving your dad by taking care of you. If you get the help you need, lucky for him, there is a chance that he will get help too and you'll be able to forgive him down the line. But if he won't get it or won't stop, you still need to help yourself. A helpline can help you find out how to:
• deal with how the abuse is affecting you.
• take care of yourself.
• find safety (fyi, verbal abuse can escalate to physical abuse).
• take steps so you don't fall into abusive relationships in the future (like many victims of childhood abuse do).
• not become an abuser, too.
• heal and get ongoing support.

Girls being put down and hurt is not the norm any of us should settle for. Please ask for help. You are not alone and you deserve better!

Believe in you. It's true that when someone hurts you, you are weakened by the abuse, and so a lot of times it's harder to take care of and respect yourself. Sometimes you can't see any way out. In these moments, close your eyes and say to yourself: I don't deserve this. I deserve respect. I deserve love. Whatever you say, don't repeat the abuser's venom (NO saying: I'm stupid. I hate myself. I'm nothing. etc.).

And if you have that feeling inside like you want to fight back—do it.

I don't mean acting out violently or returning the insults. I mean, fight for your rights. To fight for your rights means to: get help and seek safety. To invest in your self-respect (like still going after your dreams and passions). To set boundaries (like not letting anyone else in your life—like a boyfriend—hurt your feelings, too). To know that you are *here* and you were meant to be: The world needs you to do your thing! To know that you deserve better. (And you do.)

So don't give up and don't stop seeking help.

Real Girl Monica went through something similar. She says if you feel comfortable, and your dad has heard you out in the past, also try talking to your dad. Remember, speaking up (when your gut says it's safe!) is a Respect Basic. Here's her advice:

I know it's very difficult to stay quiet when your dad is yelling at you. There are so many things you want to say yet if you say them you might get in trouble (believe me I know a thing or two about this). What is happening to you and your dad is exactly what I went through with my dad. What I learned about my dad is he is more understanding when he is in a good mood or calm. So my suggestion is that when you see him in a good mood, just sit down and talk to him. Tell him everything you feel when he yells at you. Tell him his words hurt you. Believe me he'll have second thoughts about hurting your feelings next time. It worked for me and my dad. I hope it works for you too.

MORE INFO>
RESPECT Chapter 9: Dealing with Abuse

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