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Download this report by the Center for Global Development and read it cover to cover. Excerpts:

• One person in eight—900 million—is a girl or young woman age 10–24.

• In many places girls and young women do not enjoy the basic rights of voting, cannot inherit land, are subject to female genital cutting, and do not have the right to stop unwanted sexual advances or gain justice. As the world seeks to fight poverty and respect fundamental human rights, girls remain nearly invisible to those in positions of power—and yet it is only through major and sustained improvements in the condition of girls that the world will reach its goals.

• Girls undertake much of the domestic labor needed for poor families to survive: carrying water, harvesting crops, tending livestock, caring for younger children, and doing chores.

• A sixth of the world’s young people live on less than $2 a day, including 122 million girls in Sub-Saharan Africa who live on less than $1 a day.

• One-quarter to one-half of girls in developing countries become mothers before age 18. And 14 million girls ages 15–19 give birth each year. Adolescent girls are up to five times more likely to die from complications of pregnancy than women in their 20s, and their babies are also at higher risk of dying.

• Nearly half of sexual assaults worldwide are against girls ages 15 and younger, and girls ages 15–19 in developing countries are at a particularly high risk for physical and sexual violence.

• Around 59 percent of HIV-positive adults in Sub-Saharan Africa—the worst affected region in the world—are women, and 75 percent of infected youth are girls ages 15–24.

• This report takes as a starting point that the wellbeing of girls matters, above all, because they are individuals with inalienable human rights. Nearly all countries are now legally bound to respect, protect, and fulfill women’s and girls’ rights as set out in two treaties: the UN Convention on the Rights of the Child and the Convention on the Elimination of All Forms of Discrimination Against Women. But in many countries and communities girls and young women still experience discrimination and abuse, and many of the public policy measures introduced to redress these issues are not enforced.

"Most important, girls matter because they are human beings. Girls have equal rights to human dignity, self-determination, freedom from violence, good health, education, and participation in economic and political life."

This report offers many powerful recommendations. Read them. The broad agenda includes three key actions:
1. Count girls. Disaggregate data of all types—from health and education statistics to the counts of program beneficiaries—by age and sex. Doing so will make girls more visible to policymakers and reveal where girls are excluded.

2. Invest in girls. Make strategic and significant investments in programs focused on adolescent girls, commensurate with their importance as contributors to the achievement of economic and social goals.

3. Give girls a fair share. In employment, social programs, protection of human rights, and all other domains ensure that adolescent girls benefit equitably. In many cases this will take explicit and deliberate efforts to overcome household and social barriers.

Another recommendation that hit home with us:
Creating safe spaces for girls: Recognizing the value of social networks and access to mentors for girls and young women, civil society organizations (including faith-based organizations) can play a critical role in creating and maintaining safe spaces for girls to congregate, share information and ideas, and obtain support and guidance. Safe and supportive spaces are a vital preventive measure for girls at risk of HIV or sexual violence.

WE'RE IN.

Queue the music...

Report by:
CGD vice president for programs and operations Ruth Levine; Cynthia Lloyd, senior associate with the Poverty, Gender, and Youth program and chair of the Bixby Fellowship program at the Population Coun­cil; Margaret Greene, director of the Population and Social Transitions Team at the International Center for Research on Women; and Caren Grown, economist-in-residence in the Department of Economics at American University.

Comments (0) | by Courtney on July 3

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The same week the story broke, tween idol Jamie Lynn Spears became a mom after a reportedly unplanned pregnancy. And according to The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy, recent data shows that the teen birth rate is on the rise for the first time in 15 years. Case in point: A recent study by the CDC found that condom use is down among teens and first-time sex for those under age 13 is on the rise and one in four teenage girls has a sexually transmitted disease.

Though there is now dispute about whether the Gloucester pact was real, with 17 girls pregnant at one school--and teen pregnancy on the rise in general--does it matter if there was a pact (my longer take on this here)? For parents, the question becomes: What do your teens know about teen pregnancy and how can you all play a role in prevention? Before you start in about the facts or your values about sex and pregnancy, try asking your teens what they think to truly get the conversation going. It also shows that you respect that they are young adults with their own ideas and values--and if they feel you aren't judging them it keeps the door open so they can come to you for advice and support.

Here are some talking points for parents (as featured on ABC's View From the Bay). And GIRLS, there's no rule that says you can't start the conversation with your parents, friends and, of course, anyone you're considering hooking up with in ANY way. Get yapping will ya?

Tip #1: Get informed
Explore web sites like The National Campaign and PPFA to learn the facts about teen pregnancy and to get tips and resources for parents. Sign up for their news alerts to stay on top of trends and hot topics that will be great conversation-starters with your girls.

Tip #2: Ask your teens what *they* think causes teen pregnancy (and the STDs that can come with unprotected sex, too)
These hot-button media stories are a great launching point to ask your sons and daughters what they know about pregnancy prevention. Ask them questions like: "What do you think led those 17 girls in Massachusetts or Jamie Lynn to get pregnant at young ages?" Don't settle for answers like "They were stupid idiots!" Ask them Juicy Questions to inspire them to dig deeper. And ask open-ended questions that encourage them to think about these issues for themselves and see their responsibility in making self-respecting choices. Ask them questions like:
* What are reasons you think people have unprotected sex or sex at a young age?
* What could have prevented those pregnancies?
* What are the downsides of teen or unplanned pregnancy?
* If someone plans to get pregnant at a young age, what do you think they're wanting?
* Who influences you and your friends' decisions around sex and pregnancy/STD prevention?
* In a relationship, who's responsible for taking steps to prevent pregnancy and STDs? Do you see any differences in how guys and girls are taught to prevent pregnancy and STDs?
* For you personally, what's the best way to prevent pregnancy and STDs?

Tip #3: Ask them about their goals and how you can help
Most teen parents face numerous extra challenges. They have lower completion rates of high school or struggle to make ends meet long-term or many girls end up being single parents. According to The National Campaign: "Simply put, if more children in this country were born to parents who are ready and able to care for them, we would see a significant reduction in a host of social problems in the United States, from school failure and crime to child abuse and neglect."

One teen pregnancy prevention tact is to support your teens in designing a future they choose versus one they fall into by accident. Vision Board anyone? Ask them questions like:
* If you could have it your way, where do you see yourself in five years? What's your life like and what are you doing?
* What do you need to do to make this happen?
* What people or resources can help you reach your goals (including pregnancy/STD prevention)?
* How can I support you in making your goals happen? What advice or resources do you want from me?
* How can I make you feel more comfortable coming to me for help if you're struggling with a decision or make a mistake (which happens to everyone)?

Tip #4: Be honest
If you feel there are gaps in your teens' sex education, offer them info they need to make choices that keep them safe, healthy and on the track they want to be on. Be honest about what you've learned and wish you'd know when you were younger. Try not to be in denial: Almost half (48%) of high school teens say they have had sex. Teen pregnancy isn't the only issue. Unplanned pregnancy for 20-somethings is also an issue (Three-quarters of unplanned pregnancies—2.3 million—were to women 29 and younger.). So get them thinking about what they want, how they can make choices that support their goals, and how to include you as part of their trusted support network.

You don't have to ask all these questions at once! Ask when issues arise or you feel yourself getting fearful about what might happen to them. Empower them to start make choices based on what they really want in life vs. feeling powerless or aimless. In general when you start shifting from advising and telling to asking Juicy Questions, your relationship with your teens can stay open as they become self-sufficient adults.

Comments (0) | by Courtney on June 30

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Advocate: Author Debbie Reber
Blog: Smart Girls Know
Recent book for teens: Chill: Stress-Reducing Techniques for a More Balanced, Peaceful You
Her mission: "To create social media that inspires and empowers girls—from tweens to teens to young women and even women—to be their most authentic selves so they can live their best, most fulfilled lives."

Respect Rx: What originally inspired you to get into girl advocacy?
Debbie: I’ve always had this really strong desire to affect other people in a positive way. When I moved to New York after college, I was working for UNICEF but my volunteering always centered on teens. I volunteered for a homeless shelter for teens in New York for a couple of years. I think the year I was 15 was the worst year of my life, but I’m one of those people who is always looking to grow, learn, move on and recover from past mistakes. So as I acquired that information I felt a really strong urge to give back in the hopes of helping people get to that point sooner and skip some of the painful mistakes I made. And it’s part of who I am—so when I talk to girls’ groups, I’m a very open person. I will share anything and everything. And I find that can often be the bridge because being open helps teens realize that I get where they’re at.

What advocacy accomplishment are you most proud of?
The thing that I’m feeling connected to right now and happy about is my work as a coach with Girls on the Run. It’s a 12-week national program and they work with 3rd to 6th grade girls. It’s a curriculum using running as a tool to deal with all these other issues like media literacy or bullying. I’ve coached for a number of seasons. When I was first doing this, people thought I was crazy—working full time, raising a child and volunteering a couple of days a week. But I got so much out of it because so much of my work hasn’t been one-on-one with girls, and to have that opportunity is just awesome. This season, I’m doing a 5K with my little 4th-grade running buddy.

What other advocates or organizations do you admire?
I like the work that Mind on the Media is doing in terms of media literacy. I’m a big fan of New Moon magazine and Teen Voices for giving a voice to girls and letting them be on the board and run the ship. I’m involved locally with the Seattle Girls’ School on the board of directors. It’s a new school that’s very cutting-edge in their approach to education. They highlight math and science, which is great, but they also have this incredible anti-bias curriculum and they’re walking the walk. They’re turning out girls who know, in 8th grade, who they are, their strengths and weaknesses and how to work in teams. They’re set up to be incredible leaders and they’re all social change agents. I was a founding member of WriteGirl and I’m still on the advisory board. And Girls Inc. and the Girl Scouts are doing great work as well. Of course, I’m a fan of Courtney and Respect Rx and I’m totally excited to get involved with the leadership training for the Respect Rallies. I think the work that she and Audrey Brashich have done together is great.

What strikes you as the most pressing issue girls face today?
What I see in my work is low self-esteem in girls. It’s so hard to watch girls change from 5th grade and then they’re different people when you check in with them in 7th grade. They doubt themselves so much. It’s hard to watch girls go through that phase where—unless they have a strong support system in place—they tend to get lost.

Tell us more about your mission?
I think my whole purpose is to give girls information. I don’t try to do super-teen speak, I don’t use all kinds of text shorthand. I just try to connect with them in a way that feels really genuine, give them information in a way that’s relevant to their lives. There are so many things that if I had known, even one phrase could have made a huge difference in how I saw the world. Just knowing that my emotions are controlled by the things I tell myself. And knowing that connection and realizing that by changing your thoughts—which is a very conscious thing you can do—you can affect everything else.

If you had a chance to talk to your younger self, what would you tell her?
Two things come to mind: One is to not look for self-worth through boys, because I did a lot of that in college and it’s the part of my life that is still hard for me to think about. Just to tell myself “that wasn’t going to cut it for you or give you what you needed.” And the other thing is knowing that things are going to work out just fine, that there’s so much more to life than your world at 15. Just hang in there and get through it, and your whole world is going to open up.

What would you say to a woman who wants to get involved in girl advocacy but isn’t sure where to start?
I would say there are a gazillion opportunities out there. Find something you’re passionate about separately and bring that love to a program for girls in that area. For me, running is a passion of mine and my work with Girls on the Run connects those two things. It’s the perfect thing for me because I bring all of my energy to it. And just to know that by being a self-assured, confident woman, you are by default a role model for every girl you come into contact with. They’re looking at who you are and deciding, “Do I want to be like that?” I’m very conscious when I’m interacting with my girls from Girls on the Run. They ask me how old I am and I’m careful not say, “Ugh, I don’t want to tell you.” I say, “I’m 38,” because I know they’re listening to me and they’re going to make a judgment about how I feel about myself by how I respond to that question. Just know that we’re being watched, and even if it’s not a formal situation, you can always have a positive impact on girls.

Debbie's Advocacy Picks:
Girls Inc
Girl Scouts
Mind on the Media
New Moon
Seattle Girls School
Teen Voices
WriteGirl

Debbie Reber lives in Seattle with her husband Derin, her son Asher and her dog Baxter. Read more about Debbie on her web site.

—Interview by guest editor Tara Swords

Comments (0) | by Courtney on June 30

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The media has been buzzing about a "let's get pregnant!" pact apparently made by at least 8 out of the (she says matter-of-factly) 17 pregnant students at Gloucester High School in Massachusetts, according to Time magazine. Update: A week after the story broke, there is much dispute about whether the pact was real or not. Even so, 17 girls pregnant at one school?! Does it matter if there was a pact?

I'll make a confession that only my inner circle of girlfriends from high school has known until now. Eighteen years ago, I made my own sex "pact" when I was 15-years-old. I made the pact the summer before my junior year of high school. It wasn't a pact to get pregnant. It wasn't a pact to stay a virgin. But it was a pact to lose my virginity alongside my BFF on a camping weekend.

We went camping with two 18-year-old men. We even made them dinner. We wore our cute Contempo Casual ensembles and then we took leave to our separate tents. At least her partner was her long-time BF. Mine was a guy who'd showed me minimal attention (being rude and dismissive), taken me to a dance (a last-minute invite), and chased after my friends in front of me (and everyone else in school). And the "pact" experience sucked so bad for me that I swear I remember thinking—at the moment it was happening—I'll never be the same after this.

And I wasn't. Not because my "precious" virginity was gone. But because I had hit the no-self-respect-aholic's equivalent of ROCK bottom.

I knew at that moment that I was treating myself like trash and I was getting the same in return. This is easy to do when you basically believe you are trash. I spent almost three more years making it worse for myself.

I was caught in a disrespect spiral that hadn't started with that pact. Just like we all know this Gloucester H.S. baby boom process started long before those girls got knocked up or Juno hit the big screen with her quick whit but slow-thinking when it came to birth control. New mom Jamie Lynn Spears is not to blame either (timing wise these girls aren't far behind her on the way to the delivery room).

Like I'm sure is true with the Gloucester 17, a sexual choice triggered by having next to no self-respect took me time to cultivate (even with my environment speeding things along). And even from the thin analysis were getting of their environment, it sounds like I have a lot in common with the girls of Gloucester. As do girls everywhere I go. I hear a story like this a week (or dozens when I'm the road speaking)—of a girl wanting to get pregnant or having unprotected sex or abusing drugs and alcohol or dating guys who could give a rat's ass. Or just hating herself and not really knowing why.

And this all comes from a place in a girl where she hasn't connected to the truth: that she is valuable no matter what kind of feedback the world is giving her. So she (in this case a gaggle of girls) settle for a senseless pact (whether explicit or not) in which the fine print (that life is about to get even harder) is written in invisible ink.

When you don't have great expectations for your 15-year-old self, doesn't a Target registry, baby shower with your BFFs and a little bundle of love start to look good right about now?

My pact didn't lead to me be becoming a young mother but it did lead to a long, drawn out rock bottom that became a cornerstone of my ultimate turn-around. That camping trip is one of the main reasons I co-wrote RESPECT. And it drives my mission to support girls and women in building their own self-respect and creating change so that all people get the goods. (Even if like me you have to build it back all the way from the bottom of a nasty tent in the woods where you just surrendered your last shred of dignity). Or even if you have to build back from a pact that led to 17 babies being born into the class of 2008-2009.

So this is a "hot" story. Everyone will be asking WHY? And a good number will cast these girls like thoughtless, malicious morons (insert newscaster voice: One girl even had sex with a 24-year-old homeless man to conceive.). And update as of 6/26: Now it appears the pact might have not even been real. No matter: Lets look at the impact of the girls' situation on all of us (does it really matter which ones made the pact or if it existed at all?). And let's look harder at ourselves. Recent data shows that the teen birth rate is on the rise for the first time in 15 years. Gloucester H.S. you're not alone. Along with comprehensive sex education, self-respect is a commodity that needs to be nurtured now in every one of our communities, homes and hearts. And in every girl. And in those 17 fathers who will no doubt NOT be the main focus of the national pregnancy pact media frenzy. And in those 17 babies who will be here soon.

Here's what it comes down to as put so well by one girl quoted in the Time article that first reported the pact:

Ireland, 18, gave birth her freshman year and says some of her now pregnant schoolmates regularly approached her in the hall, remarking how lucky she was to have a baby. "They're so excited to finally have someone to love them unconditionally."

And Ireland’s observation also reveals the true solution:
What if every girl knew how to make that "someone" herself?

This is why I get out of bed every morning. To make a different kind of pact—a Respect Pact—the new default setting for all girls and women. And for me.

More Info >
• The 7 Respect Basics
• Sex: The 7 Questions
• Teen Pregnancy Prevention: Emerging Answers 2007

Comments (2) | by Courtney on June 26

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get in effect here

Comments (1) | by Courtney on June 21

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I've been working on two major leadership thing-ies:

1. The Girl Scouts USA uniquely ME! Leadership Institute (which I'm facilitating July 7-11 in Atlanta). I've been reading through the girls' applications. And, well, if you want to have a good cry while your heart fills with hope and admiration for your fellow girls (and our future leaders), come on over to my house and have a read!

2. Respect Rx. We're taking steps every day, every minute to create powerful event programs and trainings for girls and women and their advocates. We're growing rapidly thanks to the Jens* and other amazing women like our new accounting guru who doubles as a passionate high school music teacher. And thanks to my coach Sharna Fey. And thanks to the supportive coaches I train with at The Coaches Training Institute. This leadership stuff takes a village, people! As it should.

It got me thinking about what kind of leader do I want to be? What kinda leader am I already? I believe we all lead. The question is: What are we leading ourselves and others toward?

When it comes to what kinda leader you want to be, you don't have to copy archetypes you've seen in action: Trump, Bush, Gates, your current boss, your current principal, your mom:). That said, high-profile-role-model pickings can be slim if you want to learn from someone who has walked your walk. Women account for only 2.6% of the Fortune 500 CEOs and 16.4% of Congress members. And of those Congresswomen, only 20 women are women of color.

That said, to me, a leader doesn't have a fancy title and the paycheck to go with it or be elected or be able to pass me toilet paper under the bathroom stall because we share the same gender. You don't need someone exactly like you who came before you to pave the way for you to lead (not that it doesn't help!). At the end of the day, we all are already leaders. And if you feel you don't fit the so-called mold or don't know how to break it, then paste this quote Sharna sent me next to your bathroom mirror:

Everybody can be great...because anybody can serve. You don't have to have a college degree to serve. You don't have to make your subject and verb agree to serve. You only need a heart full of grace. A soul generated by love. —Martin Luther King, Jr.

This week's Juicy Question: What kind of a leader are you? And what are you leading yourself and others to**?

*This is not a new rock band:) Jen Jones and Jen Davidson and Jen Uribe are on Team Respect Rx.
**Hey, MLK said it's OK for me to end a sentence with a preposition.

Comments (0) | by Courtney on June 19

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National, state and local YRBS studies are conducted every two years among high school students throughout the United States. These surveys monitor health risk behaviors that lead to unintentional injuries and violence; tobacco, alcohol and other drug use; and sexual behaviors that can lead to unintended pregnancy or sexually transmitted diseases, including HIV infection. The surveys also monitor high school students’ dietary behaviors, physical inactivity, and the prevalence of obesity and asthma. More than 14,000 U.S. high school students participated in the 2007 National YRBS.

What did the CDC find after looking at the 2007 data? Today's high school students are less likely to engage in many health risk behaviors than high school students in the early 1990s. I'm glad to know that many teens are not taking a page from me and my friends' book (hi, class of 1992—glad we made it out alive!). In all seriousness, though, there are still some real rough spots. Especially when it comes to Latino youth, under-age-13 sex and condom use.

Interesting Finding #1: First-time teen sex is down among white and black teens. HIV/AIDS prevention education is up. But the survey also found an increase from 2005 to 2007 in the percentage of teens having sex before age 13. Among sexually active teens, 61.5% reported using a condom during their most recent intercourse, down from 62.8% in 2005 and 63% in 2003.

Rx: Sex isn't about will you or won't you. Come on! Teens deserve our respect and that means comprehensive sexual education including communication skills and how to use condoms and birth control and how to get tested for and prevent STDs and how to talk to some supportive adults before you jump into the hook-up pool.

GIRLS: A good start is The 7 Questions, then read everything here, then find a trusted adult to go over your options with...Here's a hint: Your mom. Planned Parenthood staff. I know, I know not everyone has a mom like my mom—she was a real straight shooter that one. Probably because she had a kid her junior year in high school. She gave us comprehensive sex ed. at home, in the car, at the dinner table, in front of the TV. I probably told my friends about The Pill and Waiting Til You're Ready and Boys Who Want to Get A Notch on Their Belt when I was 8. So I knew the facts. But with my self-respect on the fritz, I still needed to talk to my mom and reach out for support. I made a lot of mistakes because I didn't reach out. So think about it: Who can you turn to for a honest conversation or two or 500?

Interesting Finding #2:

Hispanic students remain at greater risk for certain health related behaviors and have not matched the progress made over time by black students and white students in reducing some sexual risk behaviors. Hispanic students were more likely than either black students or white students to attempt suicide, use cocaine, heroin or ecstasy, ride with a driver who had been drinking alcohol, or go 24 hours or more without eating in an effort to lose weight. Hispanic students were also more likely than both black students and white students to say they did not go to school on occasion because of safety concerns, were offered or sold illegal drugs on school property or drank alcohol on school property.

Rx: I'm Latina. Not that I need to say that for permission to speak. But look, I see this going on with the girls I work with and in my community and in my family. Of course, it's not the whole story and I don't have all the answers. But I will say this: We need more self-respect-building investment in our Latino youth. Like all teens I want to see Latinos having real opportunity to thrive (jobs, college, family planning, free speech, equal rights, a vision for their life and the ability to make it happen) vs. being left behind and disregarded (prison, unplanned teen pregnancy, restricted rights, gangs, profiling and families being destroyed by addiction, deportation, and the list goes on and on). This doesn't just happen in the Latino community, but this study does confirm that we are struggling big time.

Some action items for advocates (and girls)...

Partner with Latino youth to make changes: Organizations like Girls For A Change don't try to "fix" Latina girls, they ask them what needs fixing. The innovative ideas that girls share spark social change projects that the girls themselves lead and complete. So take GFC's lead and find a way to partner with teens to change the status quo! They have the ideas and you can provide the coaching and network to help them see it through. Along the way, their self-respect and vision for themselves grows. You'll grow too. We need to call ALL teens up to leadership. Especially those who are struggling and who fall under this study's concerning findings. They are invaluable assets. Please invite them to the problem-solving table.

Invest: Back organizations like Eastside Heroes. They are sending kids to college, feeding hard-working parents in need and giving hope and role models to lots of kids where I live. Just one man started this organization and is making a powerful impact. Also in California, teens can apply for the Chicano Latino Youth Leadership Program. Then there is the CCNMA, which gave me two scholarships that enabled me to transfer to San Francisco State University and ultimately become the first person in my family to graduate from college. I was just reminded of this and just sent them a check myself today (really, I just licked the stamp)! Or donate to another scholarship organization that enables kids who have NO resources to complete their education and become self-aware, visionary leaders in our society. College isn't the only way to break these cycles, but it's a darn good start.

Prevent teen pregnancy and STDs: I just met the National Campaign's Latino Initiative team in D.C. and they are working to prevent teen and unplanned pregnancy from a place of respect and care. Read the research, check out the recommendations and get involved. The National Campaign also published a guide, Emerging Answers 2007, that has research and findings about programs that reduce teen pregnancy and STDs. Please check out this guide to bring a program to your area or get linked to an effective one that's already opened shopped. For more on what we need to do about sex ed. see the Rx under Finding 1 above! There are more resources on StayTeen.org.

Listen and learn from gang and drug prevention task forces and organizations in your area: From my life experience, these issues go hand-in-hand with limiting the potential—and lifespan—of Latino youth. Every org is different and has a different tact. So find the one that matches your values. I'm sure we can all connect the dots to how this impacts us all and every family you'll ever meet if you dig deep enough.

Strengthen families: Latina teens are obviously a part of families. I was! We need to be holistic and compassionate with the whole family when we are trying to empower youth. Health care, child care, education, legal assistance, fair wages, drug and alcohol recovery, safety, respect, inclusion in the political system. The list goes and on and on. For starters, look at what is going on in your community to help people living below or barely above the poverty line. Get involved. Get to know your neighbors zip-code wide. My heart always bubbles over when people in my neighborhood get behind a family in need. Our hood is like a United Nations that includes real people too. Yes we have Congresswoman and we also have advocates like me, single moms, day laborers, new immigrants, fifth-generation and beyond, college students, clergy, CEOs—you name it. When s*** hits the fan over here, the neighborhood mobilizes. And along the way another group of neighbors plants flowers and plans BBQs for the whole area. So honor your values. If you're like me, they include viewing all people as equals and as your extended family members. When someone needs extra support, you throw your weight their way.

Latino youth—and all teens—need this now. So let's show them we value them.

Comments (0) | by Courtney on June 16

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Along with our fabulous Respect Rx Groups that are just for girls, may we also suggest: the RESPECT Book Club.

RESPECT Book Clubs are casual, fun and a place to be real with each other and share feelings and issues about self-respect, relationships and making healthy choices. You can create the club just for moms and daughters, girls and their big sisters or woman mentors, or you can modify the format and create a special dads and daughters version!

Some suggestions for getting started:

Step No. 1: Set up your book club. Before your first meeting, you’ll want to:

• Select an appropriate venue for the book club (library, members’ houses, school, etc).

• Recruit a dedicated group of mothers and daughters, for example.

• Pick a recurring date and time for the club to meet.

• Distribute information on how to get the book for those who haven’t already.

• Appoint a moderator to lead the first discussion. After that, rotate!

• Design a way to keep members informed about meeting details and reading assignments, such as an email group or a phone tree.

Step No. 2: Create a Respect Pact. In the spirit of the book, it’s important to set the tone for the group with a Respect Pact. You can design this pact in the group’s first meeting and read it at the beginning of every meeting as ritual. The pact can address:

• How you’ll show each other respect.

• How you’ll share responsibilities and organizational tasks.

• The way that daughters will support their mothers, and vice versa.

• The promise of privacy—what is said during book club meetings stays within the group (no post-club gossip!).

• What resources you’ll approve to be used in the meeting, such as trusted helplines or other books besides RESPECT when you're done reading it.

Step No. 3: Try the sample meeting format: Here’s one suggested way to set up each book club meeting:

• Form a circle with chairs or on the floor.

• Start things off by reading the Respect Pact (see above).

• Each week can focus on one of the 12 chapters in RESPECT. Come to the meeting having read the corresponding content for the week. You can also take turns reading sections of a chapter during the meeting.

• Start off with a discussion round, in which members can share how the content relates to their lives. If you’re reading the book during the meeting, have each person share after they’ve read. Make sure everyone has a chance to share and try to avoid giving advice if a personal issue comes up. Instead, remember that each girl and woman can figure out her own life. Listen, ask open-ended questions but don't try to fix each other.

• Engage the group in an activity, such as one directly from the book. You might do a group activity or a quiet journaling activity. Another option is to agree to do the journaling as an assignment for the next meeting.

• Close the meeting by reading Your Rights together.

xoxo

Comments (0) | by Courtney on June 5

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A new UC Santa Cruz study found that 90% of girls—that's 9 out of 10—report experiencing sexual harassment at least once.

After polling 600 girls between the ages of 12 and 18 from California and Georgia, the study found that sexual harassment was going down in the form of:

**receiving inappropriate and unwanted romantic attention, hearing demeaning gender-related comments
**being teased about appearance
**receiving unwanted physical contact
**being teased, bullied, or threatened with harm by a male

From what I'm told by the teen girls I meet all over the country, this rings all too true. And sadly, the numbers haven't improved from decade-old studies. That said, the total number of instances-per-girl was down according this study. What isn't clear to me is if the researchers looked at girl-on-girl or girl-on-boy harassment—girls, parents and teachers tell me this behavior is on the rise, too. And let's not neglect the fact that the sexualization of girls (and the rest of us) along with girl-bashing is a centerpiece of tons of media and so-called entertainment.

More from the study and tips for girls, parents and girl advocates:

"Sexism remains pervasive in the lives of adolescent girls," said Professor Campbell Leaper, who led the study. "Most girls have experienced all three types of sexism--sexual harassment, sexist comments about their academic abilities, and sexist comments about their athletic abilities."

The study also found that:
• 76 percent of girls said they had received discouraging comments about their abilities in sports.
• 52 percent said they'd received discouraging comments related to their abilities in science, math, or computers--three areas Leaper focused on because of the persistent gender gap in academics.

Leaper's study tries to identify the factors that predict whether girls will recognize their experiences as sexism. Recognizing when sexism occurs is a crucial first step toward overcoming discrimination, she says. “Otherwise, it is more likely that individuals attribute failure to their lack of ability rather than to the obstacles in their environment," adds Leaper.

I agree. Knowing how to call out sexism, objectification and harassment is the first step toward girls breaking through many unhealthy "girl culture" norms that harm girls and hold them back.

Here is a major point from the study:

Girls who had learned about feminism through the media or from people in their lives, including mothers and teachers, were more likely to recognize it than girls who had never heard about feminism. Also, girls who felt pressure from parents to conform to gender stereotypes perceived more sexism than other girls.

We can make an impact. Here are some tips for girls, parents and girl advocates:

Know your rights: We were inspired to write RESPECT in large part because of all the disrespectful stories were were hearing from girls about harassment and bullying. RESPECT Chapters 11 and 12 cover girls' rights, define harassment and inspire girls to create change.

Set boundaries: From gossip to back-stabbing to nasty sexual insults, we all need to work on our boundaries. Here's how to speak up, get help and report harassment. And here are more tips on dealing with "slut" rumors.

Flirting or Hurting? Not sure? Take the quiz to find out.

Spread respect. How does sexism, harassment or girl vs. girl gossip make you feel? Share your experiences with each other. Talk about how these forms of violence—and that's what they are—hurt girls, guys, parents and girl advocates alike. In what ways does this behavior hurt the perpetrators too? How can we make a change in our homes, schools and community? How do our media role models and favorite shows deal with harassment or perpetrate it? And how can we carry ourselves with more respect and respect for others to challenge this unhealthy norm? List 10 things you can do and do them!

Check out some of the amazing projects from Girls For A Change Girl Action Teams for more inspiration:

* The girls of Team 12 are taking a stand against sexual harassment in their community. They have produced a video that depicts several characters experiencing sexual harassment. They believe that by showing what people go through when they are sexually harassed, it will challenge people to rethink how they treat each other. The team also received Yahoo!’s “Purple Act of Kindness” award and were given video and editing equipment to complete their project. The team took a field trip to Yahoo! where a team of professionals taught them video production techniques. The final video will be shown at various schools around EPA and may be featured on Yahoo for Good’s website.

* The girls of Team 29 are also tired of seeing sexual harassment in their communities. They believe that sexual harassment can be reduced by educating people in their community of its detrimental effects. By performing a play and creating a slide show, they illustrated to their peers and community members that the issue affects everyone. They hope that doing this puts them one step closer to eliminating sexual harassment in their community.

* Girl Action Team 5 is fired up about starting a campaign that takes a stand against violence in their community. The team will teach girls about self-awareness and self-esteem--with the desired effect that girls stop being part of creating violence through gossiping and bullying and also stand up against violence in all forms. The team created and presented an original educational campaign that engages 7th and 8th grade girls. The curriculum includes discussions and activities on inner beauty, self-confidence, girl power and supporting beauty in others. They will tie in discussions on beauty and self-esteem and how these relate to violence in the community.

* The girls of Team 24 feel that expressing their personal experiences with sexual harassment will build awareness about the issue. They developed an article to be posted in the opinion section of local Milpitas newspapers describing personal experiences with sexual harassment at school. Their goal is to make people aware that this goes on in a “safe” town like Milpitas and happens to girls as young as 11-13. They are building a community of support which they will use in developing an anti-sexual harassment campaign next year.

Comments (0) | by Courtney on May 22

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In late April, we headed to Connecticut to lead the Connecticut Interscholastic Athletic Conference and Dove Campaign for Real Beauty Self-Esteem Week! Our mission: To inspire and empower the 1,600 girls who attended our Respect Rx assemblies to GET REAL, respect each other and focus on their passions versus outside packaging. And we were JUST as inspired by the truly phenomenal girls we met at seven schools in seven days! HEY GIRLS!!!xoxox

Our journey took us all over the Hartford area—from Southington to Naugatuck to Berlin to Cheshire. At each middle school and high school, we focused on what keeps us from being real and respecting ourselves? Then we got down to boosting our self-respect and supporting each other in getting more real. Girls got out of their seats, spoke up and showed each other that no one is alone when it comes to universal self-esteem issues. Many of us struggle with body image, not fitting in, perfectionism, drama with friends, tough family issues, negative habits and thoughts, addictions or abuse. So many girls came up to us after to get more support and share their own stories.

One of their fave parts was seeing the Dove film titled "Evolution," which exposes fakery in media by showing a model's transformation from her roll-out-of-bed self to a billboard beauty—all with the help of Photoshop finesse. Even if they'd seen it, the film sparked us all to think about: Then why do we still fall for this stuff?

The video definitely opened up an interesting dialogue with the girls about how media affects us. We also played a game that questions why do we instantly recognize the women from reality TV and celeb magazines versus social change agents like Wangari Maathai or Mayerly Sanchez?

After debunking some beauty myths, we focused on where we want to go. Do we want unrealistic ideals and drama to hold us back? Or do we want to be true to ourselves and follow our passions? Most girls say YES to owning their power! We led the girls through a 15-minute visualization where they got to meet their Future Self. In this activity, girls fast forward five years into the future to see how their Future Self lives. Girls met the woman they'll become. She was most often strong, educated, confident. They envisioned themselves as doctors, record producers, special ed teachers, architects, college students and so much more! It was truly breathtaking to see auditoriums filled with hundreds of girls deeply meditating with eyes closed and mentally designing their futures. (One school principal said in her 25 years of education she'd never heard the overhead lights buzzing in an assembly—thats how engaged the girls were!).

Their Future Self also told them a word to remember and here were some of the words they heard:
Love
Dedication
Smile
Persevere
Faith
Strong
Hope
Brave
It's OK

Many girls even HUGGED themselves when we said to hug their Future Selves:):):) It brings tears our eyes (we know we're cheesy, but seriously it was awesome!).

Even in one hour you (yes, you reader!) can reach a girl and together shift the world a bit. The week was truly one of the most rewarding weeks of our lives. From the girls and educators we met (those who work hard every day to empower teens) to the amazing dream team that made it all possible: Special thanks to Bob Lehr, Steph Ford, Bob Ford, and all the CIAC-CAS school officials who so generously donated their time, space, positive energy and dedication! Also big-time thanks to Ama A. and the Dove team. We can't wait for next year!

xoxoCourt&Jen

P.S. Adults and older teens: You can lead a Dove Real Beauty Workshop for Girls. Check out the free materials!

Comments (0) | by Courtney on May 17

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This isn't about bashing Miley, Blake, YouTube and company. Many girls love these media stars and the web, right? (And so do many of us!). That said, girls do need help learning to filter what's shaping them and girl culture. Here are some tips I shared on ABC's View From the Bay today to help you make the most of media "buzz" moments to learn more about your daughter and the media world she's living in:

Step No. 1: Get primed on girl culture
Never heard of Perez Hilton or The Hills? It might be time to tune in. Be aware of the media hype and sexy sensationalism that your daughters are marinating in everyday and everywhere. At the same time, know that girls are going to be exposed to media no matter what controls you put in place. The key is staying on top of their media "diet" by checking out the blogs, web sites, magazines, TV shows and films that girls—or their friends—are obsessed with so you are informed enough to have honest conversations with them about hot topics.

Step No. 2: Chat about hot topics
Parents can use media buzz moments like the Miley Cyrus photo controversy to have honest conversations with their daughters about their celebrity role models and how they feel media is affecting them—or not. If you really want to know how media and advertising and online social networks are influencing your daughters, ask open, non-judgmental questions like:
• What did you think about the Miley Cyrus photos?
• If you were in her shoes, what would you have done?
• What do you think about the Gossip Girls ads?
• What do you like or not like about that show?
• What are some reasons you think girls would post fight videos on the web?
• Does this happen with your friends, too? How does it make you feel?
• How are you and your friends affected by what you see in the media?

Step No 3: Talk about the role of role models
One role parents can play is to help girls dig deeper when it comes to who they idealize. Again, don't judge their role models; just ask juicy questions, like: What do you love about (fill in the blank)?
• What about her to do you admire?
• Besides what she's famous for, what is she into or what does she do that you think is positive?
• What kinds of things do you think should make women and girls famous or admired?
• If every girl in the world were to look up to you as a role model, what would you want them to see about the real you?

Step No. 4: Try not to overreact or judge
Many girls not only love media and entertainment, but take it one step further by creating it indie-style and aspiring to work in this field in the future. So if you "put down" their media, they might dismiss and shut you down. So respect and know that they are often just as concerned about the hot button issues as parent are these days. Try not to get too frustrated about "kids today" or focused on completely locking down their media access. Instead, keep asking powerful questions and listening to your daughter's point of view and ideas to make changes. She will feel more empowered, and you'll sleep better at night knowing that she is actively analyzing her world and learning about her likes and dislikes and wants to change.

Step No. 5: Empower your daughter to create change
Girls are not blindly going for every advertising trick and media stunt they see. If they could have it their way, what would they be promoting when it comes to TV, magazines and the web? If they are turned off or annoyed by what they see, ask them:
• What do you think causes (the problem they've identified)?
• What are some ideas you have to change this?
• What are some steps you and your friends could take to make a change?

Comments (0) | by Courtney on May 15

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I just met the awesome people behind the new documentary Girls Rock!, which tells the inspiring story of girls who attended the The Rock 'n' Roll Camp for Girls in Portland. At the camp, girls ages 8-18 come from all over the country to learn to rock. The girls form bands, write songs and build community. They bang their heads! Listen to our conversation on KALW's Your Call radio about girl culture and Girls Rock! here.

Please go see the movie (clip below) which opens this weekend! And check out the web site for more screening dates through May. To get inspired, watch the trailer, which, well, rocks! The movie is about the universal struggles girls go through and how the camp is life-changing for this group. (It would be for anyone!) They discover a support network and their strengths. And the girls' creativity and vulnerability just blows me away (as usual!).

What one of the young women, Laura (15), says that just killed me (in a good way). I WANT every girl to make this discovery:

"I've been waiting for so long to finally admit to myself that I'm amazing, and I really am. Everyone is beautiful in their own way and they get even better when they decide to be powerful and they decide to rock."

Girls and girl supporters: check out the rock camps. For example, the Girls Rock! Bay Area is launching this summer and accepting applications through April. The cost is $400 per girl. Financial aid is available to qualifying participants.

Comments (0) | by Courtney on March 7

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This is what can happen when a group of women get together to empower each other. I started ChicksWhoClick more than six years ago (before we had myspace and facebook to play with!). It's a private network of creative and powerful women who know people. And this year, we launched a scholarship! The winner will get cash for college and be invited to the network. Check it out and spread the word! We're hoping to support one ambitious young woman's first year of community college. We needed this kinda support when were starting out and we're only happy to pay it forward.

ChicksWhoClick Scholarship
Are you a young woman between the ages of 17 and 20 who will be entering community college for the 2008-2009 academic year? If so, you may qualify for the ChicksWhoClick (CWC) scholarship!

About CWC
ChicksWhoClick is an international private network of women in media, creative arts, communications and girls' & women's advocacy. CWC was founded in 2002 and consists of an email list, social networking web site and offline networking events. Members of CWC share inside lines on job and project leads, publicize their work, get career advice and contacts, collaborate and support each other's work and goals.

About the scholarship
CWC believes in supporting young women in reaching their potential. We've created a privately funded scholarship to help one young woman pay for her community college education in pursuit of a career in media, journalism, creative arts, communications, or girls' & women's advocacy.

The winner will receive:
• A cash gift-card in the amount of $1,150 to be applied toward your college education
• A membership invitation to CWC to introduce you to a network of mentors and peers who can support you as you pursue your education, future job opportunities and creative paths.

How the winner is chosen:
A CWC panel will review applicant submissions. By July 1, finalists will be contacted for proof of community college enrollment and a brief phone interview. The panel will choose the winner based on a majority vote. Winner will be announced in August 2008. Applicants will be judged on the strength of their essays and the idea those essays contain. Finalists will also be evaluated on interviews.

Qualifications
To qualify, the applicant must:
• Be a young woman between the ages of 17-20 living in the United States.
• Be attending a U.S. community college in fall 2008 or winter 2009.
• Be intent on pursing a degree or career in communications, journalism, new media, creative writing or women's studies.
• Agree to send an update to CWC after the conclusion of the 2008-2009 academic year describing how your education is evolving, how the scholarship has supported you and what's next for you.
• Be prepared to provide proof of enrollment for fall 2008 or winter 2009 semesters.

How to apply
Only electronic submissions will be accepted.

DEADLINE: MAY 1, 2008

Please submit the following materials to Tara Swords, CWC moderator, via email (tara@taraswords.com) by the deadline:

o An essay of 700-800 words telling us your intended field of study, why you are drawn to it, and how this scholarship and support from CWC can help you achieve your goals.

• The following personal information in the body of your email:
o Name, age, mailing address and telephone number
o Name, city and state of the community college you plan to attend and when you will enroll
o Your intended field of study

Good luck!

Comments (0) | by Courtney on February 20

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My friend and body image expert Jess Weiner reminded me that Feb. 24 starts National Eating Disorders Awareness Week so I'm *finally* posting about one of my favorite books of 2007. Perfect Girls, Starving Daughters: The Frightening New Normalcy of Hating Your Body by Courtney E. Martin. This book is required reading for girls and those who care about girls and all the women who were girls once:). Here Courtney and I talk about the book and the "new normal" that we can work to change for girls and for ourselves:

Respect Rx: What can girl advocate or parents do—small or big things—to counteract the "new normal" of girls hating their bodies?
Courtney E. Martin: The most important thing that a girl advocate or parent can do is heal their relationships with their own bodies. So many adults, mothers in particular, become paralyzed trying to figure out the perfect thing to say to their daughters. In truth, the most powerful thing they can communicate is through their own modeling.

What can a girl do to change the tide when body hatred/diets/exercise/fat talk is ALL her friends talk about?
One of the most important lessons I learned in college was that I had to choose my friends just like I chose my classes. This means sometimes taking the embarrassing step of approaching a "friend crush" and telling her how amazing you think she is. Some of my closest friends were women that I did this with and I have never regretted it, no matter how dorky it seemed at the time. You don't have to hang out with toxic people, and most of the time, it is treacherously difficult to change them.

I loved your discussion of "spiritual hunger" and have seen this firsthand. In what ways can girls and women start to truly "fill up" to reach our potential?
I think women need to be still, give themselves time to reflect, read philosophy and spiritual texts, really take the space necessary to contemplate on the idea of "the good life." It is an age-old quest, but one that we have gotten further and further away from the more appearance and consumer focused we become and the faster we move.

In your mind, what could girls and women being doing instead with all the power and time we spend thinking about our bodies? In other words, what kind of impact could we have if this weren't often our main focus?
There's no doubt in my mind that if women harnessed all the energy they now put into their body projects and used it for good, the whole damn world would be changed forever. And perhaps even more important, women's quality of life would simply skyrocket. We deserve to live our best lives, and as long as we are body-focused, we will never be able to do that.

What is the one thing you do every day that supports you in NOT hating your body but appreciating yourself and fulfilling your mission?
I check in with my body and respect its wisdom. If I'm sitting at the computer too long and my back starts stiffening, I remember to honor that, get up, take a walk around the block or get a snack. Simply valuing my body's wisdom in a million little ways is the biggest revolution for me.

Buy the book here. And check out more resources and reads here. Break the perfect mold here. Get REAL here.

Comments (0) | by Courtney on February 20

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Hey girls (and girl advocates)! I wanted to tell you about an amazing summer camp you might want to check out this year. Omega Teen Camp is an empowering and creativity inspiring camp for teens that was founded at the Omega Institute in New York.

I was a guest teacher at the camp last year. During our daily intensives, myself, my assistant teacher (the fabulous Rachel Myrowitz) and a group of passionate teen girls talked about our experiences with self-respect, sisterhood and social change. We also did a social change web—a tool developed by the awesome org Girls For A Change! (see example below).

The girls focused on the Issue: Why do so many girls have a negative body image? Next, they looked at the Effects of having a negative body image and the Causes of negative body image. Then they came up with their own three-fold social change project to impact a root cause of the problem (that girls need more support from each other to feel comfortable in their own skin!).

And they did this all by just spending a few hours a day together during one week! The girls:

...created and led a workshop for other girls at the camp so they could talk about body image, why so many girls hate their bodies, and what they can do about it!

...designed "INNER beauty bands" with positive affirmations. They wore the bands to remind them about how valuable they are and that they deserve respect (especially from themselves).

...hung positive affirmation signs throughout the camp with phrases to inspire their fellow campers to see their inner beauty—not just what was in the mirror.

The girls were so creative, caring and motivated to make changes. I think they were so primed to work together because of the supportive and progressive environment at Omega. I've been so inspired by the girls that I've been telling other girls around the country about their project!

Comments (0) | by Courtney on February 12

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A Phoenix community college student, Kia Smith, founded the Miss CHAMPION pageant, which is all about girls building their self-confidence and recognizing their inner beauty. Forget makeup and fake tans, these 11- to 14-year-old girls participate in team-building exercises, talk about girl culture and share their personal struggles. Read more here...

Comments (0) | by Courtney on May 10

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3 out of 4 girls say they feel pressure to be "super girls" according to Girls Inc.

Girls are feeling the pressure to be perfect on all sides (see the study here). They feel they need to have the PERFECT looks, bods, grades, friends, clothes, cars, accessories, gadgets, sweet 16 parties, BF/GFs, extracurriculars, proms, senior pics, college apps, and the perfect future. Many admit to me that their parents are the ones putting on this perfecto pressure. And BTW, this quest for perfection can cost some serious coin (but who pays?).

Well, I have a confession to make: I'm not perfect and I come from a long line of not-so-perfect people. My mom was a teen mom. My dad was a teen felon. Neither went to college or high school graduation for that matter. Yet, both are my role models for reasons too long to list here. I respect who they are at their cores. And they did "succeed" in my opinion. Both encouraged me to do *my* best, to find my own way and passions, and to leverage my strengths. They encouraged me to get a leg up in life through education (including college). But they didn't do it for me or show me how--and they couldn't really--because I was going into uncharted territory as far as they were concerned.

Primarily, my mom let me make mistakes because, honestly, she didn't have the time or capacity to hover over me. And she let me pay my own price and never covered up for me (to my annoyance most of the time). But when I succeeded I got to totally own that too. My dad has since passed on, but I know he'd be proud of my-not-so-perfect path to personal success. My mom shares in my success through bragging rights and the fact that she doesn't have to loan me money or solve my problems. I know how to keep the lights on in (in many respects).

I guess the point is, girls can succeed without doing everything perfect or by someone else's book. And shouldn't this be our highest ambition for them? They can value themselves based on more than if they get into the best college or have the best stuff or clear skin. But we have to model this for them. Girls can define their own measures of success--especially when we ask what *they* think. And we can start by questioning our own definitions of success as their role models.

In this month's issue of Daughters, I spoke with a woman whose mission and book I admire, Madeline Levine, author of the The Price of Privilege: How Parental Pressure and Material Advantage Are Creating a Generation of Disconnected and Unhappy Kids.

Check out our conversation about how girls and parents can redefine success and break the perfectionist trap for good! Here's an excerpt of my tips:

Spring the “perfect” trap
Having high standards for success can be exhausting, deprive us of fun, and alienate us from our kids. Instead of trying to “do it all perfectly,” try these tactics.

Break the mold. There’s an old saying: “Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?” There is no one “right” way to find success. You’re a unique person with custom-tailored dreams. Explore your passions, expand your horizons, work to your strengths—and encourage your daughter to do the same.

Let go. You can’t control everything—thank goodness! Focus on what you can change (your behavior, your outlook on life and how you care for yourself) and let go of trying to control everything around you, which usually makes you feel out of control anyway. And letting go applies to being overly critical, too. Let yourself (and your daughter) off the hook when it comes to being perfect. Make room for mistakes—remembering that they are the path to important life lessons, and discoveries.

Be real with friends. Nothing drives perfectionism like wanting to keep up with (or one-up) our friends. Instead, be real with your friends about who you are and what you want. Parenting is harder when we isolate ourselves. So spend time with your friends being yourself, talking through your difficulties, and supporting each other’s diverse versions of success.

Get help. When we’re trapped by perfection, it’s impossible to admit that we need help. Yet getting help is a self-respect basic. If you’re struggling, hurting, or feeling aimless, reach out for help. We all need support. Our daughters need to see that asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness, because we all need a helping hand to manage our lives and responsibilities.

Comments (0) | by Courtney on May 3

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Sure, respect is an inside job. Every girl has to commit to finding, building and keeping her self-respect. But we can throw our support a sistah's way. We can encourage her that she’s worth the effort. We can be there for her when disrespect has got her down. That’s what this sisterhood thing is all about, right? Here are 5 ways to help a girl (or woman or friend) invest in her self-respect:

1. Point out her strengths
Forget dishing advice about a how a girl can improve when it comes to her weaknesses. Instead, compliment her on her strengths (she already has many, guaranteed!). Let her know how amazing she is and how impressed you are by her talents and gifts. Highlighting her strengths (daily if necessary) is essential: She might be focusing on what’s wrong with her and not see all that's special about her.

But it’s important not to attach pressure or a prescription to your compliment like: You’re so great at math, you should become an engineer. Here are the colleges you should apply to but they’re very tough to get into, so you should... Instead, plant a seed so she can grow by using her strengths, like: You’re so great at math, do you enjoy it? If the answer is yes: If you want to spend more time flexing your math brain, let me know. Would you want to help me balance the family’s checkbook? It’s an important job and you’d be awesome at it if you’re interested. Whether you’re a parent, coach, supervisor at work, teacher or mentor, give her tons of opportunities to play to her strengths so she can boost her confidence, skills and self-respect along the way.

2. Encourage her passions
You have your dreams, and the girls in your life have theirs (even if they don’t know it yet). Behind every poster child for self-respect is a long list of passions that are being pursued, fulfilled and never ignored. Cheer girls to go after their passions. Coach them about to explore their interests and balance their passions with their responsibilities. Support them however you can—whether it be a ride to lesson they never want to miss, packing them a snack to keep their energy up, or just asking them about their passions and how they make them feel. Share with them the limitless potential we all have. For inspiration, offer examples of your heroes and role models. Ask them who they admire and why. And accept when their passions change. Allow girls the flexibility to grow out passions and into new ones—always encourage them to try new things and that mistakes are lessons in disguise.

3. Tell her she can do it (but don’t always tell her how)
Every girl already is creative, resourceful and whole. The question as her advocate is: How can you draw out her power and gifts? No matter what challenge lies ahead, encourage her that she *can* do it. Then ask—not tell—her how she thinks she can achieve her goal, dream or task. In a supportive way (and when neither of you are frustrated) ask her open-ended questions like: How would you go about getting into that college? or What are some ways you might raise the money to go to music camp?

As you take the time to ask powerful questions, her own intelligent plan will unfold. Be patient. This approach can take longer because she is new to exploring options and making action plans. If you hang back but let her know you are there for her, she will likely ask you for some advice and support—and then you can give her the benefit of your wisdom and experience. By telling girls they can do it, and then letting them figure out how, they start to see how smart they are, take more ownership over their plans, and think more deeply about the possible outcomes of their choices.

4. Listen and respect her boundaries
Girls tell me that the No. 1 way they feel respected is when people listen to them. Sounds easy, right? When girls are sharing their feelings, dreams or disappointments, press your lips together, open your ears and lean in. They are giving you a gift. When girls share, it’s the chance to see inside their hearts and pick up clues about how you can support them in becoming who they are supposed to be. When you are truly listening to them (without butting in or offering advice or discounting their feelings because they scare you) they are seeing respect in action. Also, listening to their thoughts and ideas is part of coaching them about how to make self-respecting decisions. It reinforces that they and their feelings count (isn’t this what we all need?).

Girls say they need to be able to talk without fear or judgment. Otherwise, they start to shut out their advocates, stop asking questions and don’t ask for support. So it’s all about listening. Young people have things to teach us too! And when they set boundaries, listen harder than ever before. Because if a girl can’t set boundaries in the safety of her own home, how is she going to enforce her boundaries to protect herself and not be doormat out in the real world? Like if she says: Mom, can you not ask me tons of questions right when I get home from school? Or, It hurts my feelings when you criticize how I do things. Listen and then negotiate an alternative that works for both of you. She’ll feel respected, you’ll feel like you can still positively influence her...and respect will start to rule under your roof.

5. Respect yourself, too
Respecting ourselves is a life-long practice. Show the girls in your life how it works for you. Learn and live The 7 Respect Basics—from following your passions to listening to your gut.

Show her (even if you’re still working on it) how you take care of and appreciate your mind, body and soul. Show her how you value yourself based on more than what you have or how you look. Show her how you support other women and don’t put them down. Show her how you do things that you love and that enrich your life. Show her your integrity by telling and living your truth. Show her how when you are dealing with disrespect—unhealthy relationships, negative self-talk, too much stress, depression, addictions, etc.—how you’re not afraid to get help. Show her how you surround yourself with people who respect themselves and want you to be yourself. Show her that she doesn’t have to be perfect and how to learn from mistakes instead of letting them define her. Show her that you are forgiving of yourself and others. Show her how to treat people equally and not violate others' rights. Show her that even if we’re not always set up for success, that true respect starts on the inside.

If you work toward loving and respecting yourself and others in her presence, she will learn how to do it too. Mission accomplished.

Comments (0) | by Courtney on November 8

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