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Watch this video about our founding program: The Respect Rally for girls. Now the program is co-ed, too (see below!).

Respect Rally from Respect Rx on Vimeo.

The Respect Rally is a half-day conference—followed by a 18-session program guide (The Respect Keep It Going! Kit)—that empowers teens to boost self-respect and spread respect for all through The Respect Basics.

The Rally is based on our best-selling book for teen girls, RESPECT: A Girl's Guide to Getting Respect & Dealing When Your Line Is Crossed, which has been featured by CNN, National Public Radio, USA Today, Glamour, Teen Vogue and others.

Based on the success of the girl program, we have now created a co-ed Rally for teen boys, too, and a college program! The Rally can also be formatted for parents and teen advocates. For middle school students, we offer Respect Connect, a 90-minute program.

Watch these testimonials from a recent Rally we led for Derek Jeter's Turn 2 Foundation:

Co-Ed Respect Rally from Respect Rx on Vimeo.

After attending the Rally: 98% of 500 teens surveyed understood the difference between respect and disrespect (up from 51% prior to attending the Rally)…90% of teens respected each other as equals (up from 65%).…82% felt equipped to make positive choices and act as role models (up from 42%).

There are 3 ways to bring a Respect Rally to your site:
1. Book a Respect Rally: Respect Rx can lead a Rally for your campus or organization.

2. Get trained: Attend a train-the-trainer and learn how to be a Respect Rally Leader. Deliver the program for your campus or non-profit organization year after year!

3. Do both: Respect Rx can lead your Rally and then train you—and the teens or young adults you serve—how to lead the program at your site in the future.

Program Snapshot: How it can work for you. (PDF)

INFORMATION KITS
Teen Girls (PDF)

Co-ed Teens (PDF)

College (PDF)

CONTACT US
Email or call (415) 315-9707

Comments (0) | by Courtney on March 23

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Here is the status quo:

• 1 in every 2 females worldwide has been abused during her lifetime.
• 50% of teens in serious relationships say they've gone against their beliefs to please their partner, including going further sexually than they wanted.
• 1 in 5 teens who’ve been in a serious relationship report being hit, slapped or pushed by a partner.
• 3 out of 10 teen girls become pregnant.
• 1 in 3 students drop out of high school.
• 4 in 10 teen boys have a criminal record.

We believe respect is the remedy. When teens’ self-respect—and respect for others—is going strong, anything is possible. They make healthier choices, create respectful relationships, achieve their goals and become leaders who spread respect for all. To make respect the new status quo, we created the Respect: Keep It Going! Kit. Advocates can use the Kit to partner with teens to lead a respect-building program for 6 to 18 weeks. 

During their “Respect Pod” sessions throughout the program, teens learn to:
• use the Respect Basics to build self-respect and make healthy choices
• value themselves
• follow their passions
• set boundaries and speak up
• listen to their gut and compassionately listen to others
• create relationships based on mutual respect
• get help dealing with disrespect dilemmas, such as peer pressure, dating and domestic violence, bullying, negative body image, the “-isms” and other tough issues
• lead social change to create a better world where all people are respected

The program builds on the themes and activities featured in our popular Respect Rally program, which we’ve led for thousands of teen girls and boys around the United States, as well as the award-winning book that I co-authored: RESPECT: A Girl’s Guide to Getting Respect & Dealing When Your Line Is Crossed (Free Spirit Publishing, 2005). After completing just four sessions of our program, teens report notable outcomes: 

• 98% of 500 teens surveyed understood the difference between respect and disrespect (up from 51% prior to the program)
• 90% of teens respected each other as equals (up from 65%)
• 82% felt equipped to make positive choices and act as role models (up from 42%)
• 94% said they feel more comfortable setting boundaries and speaking up (up from 70%)
• 81% said they will get help when they were disrespected or to achieve their goals (up from 42%)

Pod Sessions are:
• delivered during a 6- to 18-week program (your choice!)
• 60-minutes, experiential and include group discussion
• easily shortened, customized to fit within a wider youth development program and require minimal prep and supplies
• designed using the same activity template to create a consistent experience
• written to be led by teens, adults or co-lead

Also included in the Kit:
• evaluation templates and handouts
• membership to the Respect Connect social network, which includes training webinars, videos for Sessions, tips from other Kit users, a digital copy of the Kit and other resources

LOOK INSIDE!
Click here to view a PDF of the cover, introduction, table of contents, FAQ, session overview, sample session and back cover.

Rights & Permissions

ORDER
$225.00 USD (+ $10 for U.S. shipping)

To order by check, fill out this order form and send a check or money order to:
Respect Rx
1743 Park Avenue #429
San Jose, CA 95126
(415) 315-9707

International Orders
Please email us directly at kit@respectrx.com to place your order and receive a shipping quote.

TRAINING
You can register for tele-coaching or on-site training to help you implement the Kit at your site. To inquire about training and fees, contact us:  415.315.9707 • kit@respectrx.com

PRAISE!

"The Respect: Keep It Going! Kit is extraordinary in its ability to provide fun, low-risk exercises to explore some of the most challenging issues teens face. The lessons are easy to teach and they're full of heart. The Kit gets teens' attention right away. I am excited to work with this curriculum!” —Rachel Simmons, founder of he Girls Leadership Institute and author of Odd Girl Out

“Our faculty was trained to use the Respect: Keep It Going! Kit and we’ve have modified the lessons to use in a 6-week ‘Respect Mini-Series’ during our weekly homeroom meetings. We’re planning on implementing lessons in our homerooms every year as part of a school-wide goal to increase respect among our students.” —Amy Gose, guidance counselor, Blessed Trinity Catholic High School in Georgia

"As a result of the Respect Rx programs, many of the teens will be empowered to make changes that will help them develop into strong people who are confident, capable and self-reliant.”—Robert Lehr, Connecticut Association of Schools and Dove Self-Esteem Fund Partner

“Intuitive and organic, the activities were inspiring and incredibly impactful for the teens and adults alike.” —Leanne Gluck, program manager, Girl Scouts of the USA

"After the program, our students saw themselves as agents of change and developed ways to begin spreading respect locally and globally. If Respect Rallies happened at all schools across the nation, our world as a whole would definitely be impacted positively."
—Stephanie Payes, counselor, KIPP San Jose Collegiate

Product Details
Reading level: Young Adult
Paperback: 143 pages
Publisher: Respect Rx (January 1, 2010)
Language: English
Product Dimensions: 8.5 x 11.5 inches

Comments (0) | by Courtney on February 13

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Respect Rx is a partner of National Eating Disorders Awareness Week.

FREE BODY RESPECT SESSION
You can download our facilitator's guide for the Body Session from our new Respect: Keep It Going! Kit. You can use the guide to lead teen girls or young women in a powerful respect-building session focused on their bodies. Fill out this form to download the session guide!

Comments (0) | by Courtney on January 21

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Oh, self-care. For many of us that term means "me time." You know: spa days, a good book, bubble baths, yoga, and all that jazz. Self-care is often a list in a magazine of things to surround yourself with that tend to smell fruity or can come down to a swipe of a credit card at the mall.

Now, more than ever, self-care needs to mean so much more. Self-care is actually the ultimate form of self-respect. Maybe it can even save the world? Stay with me...

Because here's the thing I don't always want to admit: When my self-care sucks, my integrity wanes. I cancel on you at the last-minute. I show up half-hearted. I'm more cranky and close-minded. I don't pay attention. I make more messes. I'm not as helpful. That one really sucks because my No. 1 goal in life is to be of service. So self-care is really that important for me. Or I actually get really off track in life. And I want my partners (professional and romantic) to up their self-care too—otherwise everything suffers. We're not fooling anyone (and neither are you).

For me, honest self-care doesn't mean cramming in 50 minutes at the gym in which the whole time I'm thinking about what I'll make for dinner and that the engine light is on in my car and that she had some nerve. So if it's not just about bubble baths and hitting the gym, what does this "self-care" stuff mean?

One of the definitions of care is: "watchful attention." I love this definition. This is where I smell the world-changing potential of real self-care. To this end, I've broken self-care down into a totally scientific process I call S.T.O.P. Try it!

S is for savor...

I can talk fast, connect the dots fast, eat fast, and launch ideas and programs fast. There is nothing wrong with that. My impatience and speed can create positive change.

Savor, on the other hand, makes me think of gooey, homemade macaroni and cheese. Or breathing in salty sea air as the fog spritzes my face. Or lingering in a warm hug from my sweetie. Or letting it sink in when someone says something that really floors me at a Respect Rally (like an 11-year-old girl who said after a visualization that "her Future Self told her to respect herself today to reach her goals tomorrow." Mmmmm....)

Savor is a tantalizing way to say slow down. Do I really want to rush to the bank to check my balance anyway? Do I want to rush to another birthday? Do I want to learn all my lessons today and be bored out of mind for the next 50 years? No. Savor also means I notice that the other forces besides my bright ideas are at play in the universe. Hmmm.

Here's the even more challenging part, though. I'm even attempting to savor walking through my fires. Moving house, fixing busted pipes, using my resources wisely, finishing an intense training program, growing Respect Rx, dark moods, losing contracts, pitching new business, the ending of a 10-year relationship (i.e. divorce), paying taxes, conflicts in new relationships. Savor this stuff? It's worth a try. Because I want to learn my lessons real good to make room for new experiences. I also love that feeling when you look back and can say: I made it through. I was OK. I am OK.

What I've heard and learned: What you resist will just persist. I.e. you could get deadly heart disease eating tons of gooey, homemade macaroni and cheese you never even had the pleasure of tasting. Bummer.

For you:
• What do you want to savor right now?

T is for talk it out...

I wish someone would start Economy Anonymous or Freaked-Out Anonymous or Worst-Mood-Ever Anonymous. As someone who's greatly benefited from the world of "anons" I think we could all use safe spaces to talk stuff out as part of our self-care. And I don't mean just calling your BF and venting. Or supposed problem-solving with your partner at the end of a long day when you're maxed out.

I mean participating in a community where there is a "pact" about honest sharing and deep listening. Where you can say what you need to say; and hear what you need to hear. Whether it be your church, a conference call you set up with friends each week around a theme (my friends and I did this around money), or a support group that has a facilitator or counselor on hand. It's about leaning into others and being leaned on.

For you:
• What would make you feel less alone right now?
• What step will you take to create that support?

O is for opt-out...

This one is simple. Self-care means setting boundaries. Creating a little space around you. Freeing up time to do some "resentment-prevention" work (for me this is where bubble baths, reading, sleep, and running do come in). My sweetie offers this test: If you look at your cat and think he has the best life ever and you would sell your soul to trade places with him, it's time for more self-care of the opting-out flavor. You can also opt-out of "shoulds" that hound you or beliefs that aren't working for you anymore. Whatever it takes to take better care of you.

For you:
• What do you want to opt out of right now?

P is for pause...

When I'm about to intentionally hurl myself down some stairs (or push you down them!), whoa, it's time to pause. Hot-faced irritation and generally hating on myself or others to excess means I need to pause:). I'm a proponent of spreading respect after all—my rep is on the line here! That feeling that I don't want to do my beautiful, fulfilling work because it is feeling like too much "work" means I need to pause. Pausing could be simply asking myself: What do I need right now? Water? To pee? Oxygen anyone?

Pause doesn't mean to retire or not care. It means be where you're at. Or let some stuff marinate before you make the next move. Celebrate for goodness sake. Maybe you need to pause to shine your flashlight on an area of your life that needs more of that watchful attention. After I do a lot of fun, empowering work with people, I've learned to pause. The Google Calendar needs to be color-block free. Then I can resume regular programming with some presence. Savor and Pause are obviously good friends.

Most often, I need to pause before I attempt to go fast again. Because I like going fast. That's me. Fulfillment can't wait! So that's why for me P is for pause because I don't want to reach for another P instead—like Pull the Plug.

For you:
• Where do you need to pause?

Self-care has grown up for me. Bubble baths are nice, but too many dry out my skin:) or they are pointless if I'm just soaking in my worries. Self-care now means self-respect. And it requires daily recommitment. And some days I fail miserably. And that's just another time to S.T.O.P.

When I'm paying "watchful attention," it means I show myself through my actions that I'm a valuable resource. It means I have a healthy respect for what can really be accomplished in a day by this imperfect human being. At its simplest, self-care to me now means that I truly see, smell, chew, taste and give gratitude for my plate of gooey, homemade macaroni and cheese. And life.

For you:
• What would our world gain if you STOPped to take real care of you?
• And how would your world change?

Comments (2) | by Courtney on January 1

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Talented filmmakers Ellen Frankenstein and Julia Smith made this wonderful mash-up during a workshop I participated in at Lead ON! for Peace and Equality Youth Minisummit hosted by the Alaska Network on Domestic Violence & Sexual Assault. I also led sessions there and met so many inspiring youth and advocates!

LEAD ON 2009: CHECKED BAGGAGE from Ellen Frankenstein on Vimeo.

Comments (0) | by Courtney on December 12

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15.5 million children in the United States live in families in which partner violence occurred at least once in the past year. And 1 in 5 teens who have been in a serious relationship report being hit, slapped or pushed by a partner. (Rihanna is not the only one).

My first memory in life is of my mother holding me up as a human shield to get my dad to stop beating her—I was just 2-years-old. I later learned that both of my parents grew up in homes where domestic violence was the norm. Now our mission is to make ‘respect for all’ the new status quo.

As part of the movement to end domestic violence, we're offering one of our signature workshop sessions, The Respect Basics, to teen advocates for free.

Free Workshop Session (Leader's Guide)
You can use the leader's guide for this 60-minute session, an excerpt from our Respect: Keep It Going! Kit, to help teens explore how to use the Respect Basics in their own lives, relationships and, ultimately, to end forms of disrespect like domestic and dating violence.

We hope this session will strengthen your domestic and dating violence prevention programs by showing teens that no matter what form of disrespect they're struggling with: respect is the remedy.

Click here to download the free workshop:

Comments (0) | by Courtney on October 15

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Deborah Norville has a new book out, The Power of Respect: Benefit from the Most Forgotten Element of Success, where she makes the case for more respect. She talks about how when you have self-respect, you can spread respect—and you know that's our message. She also discusses the collateral damage when businesses, schools and families drown in disrespect. Running out today to read it cover to cover. I'm so excited she's elevating RESPECT to a national conversation.

We agree: All people need the Respect Basics. That's why our programs unite youth and their advocates to set their own standards for respect and to learn how to model respect. Starting, of course, with respect on the inside!

After attending a Respect Rx program, 500 teens surveyed showed notable shifts: 

• 98% understood the difference between respect and disrespect (up from 51% prior to attending the program)
• 84% understood how to respect themselves (up from 25%).
• 90% respected each other as equals (up from 65%).
• 94% said they feel more comfortable setting boundaries and speaking up (up from 70%).
• 73% understood how to create respect in their relationships (up from 39%).
• 81% said they will definitely get help when they were disrespected or if they need it to achieve their goals or create change (up from 42%).
• 82% felt equipped to make positive choices and act as role models (up from 42%).

Comments (0) | by Courtney on October 6

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In addition to our free workshop, here are some powerful resources and tools to use with teens during Domestic Violence Awareness Month:

1. Book
My friend Victor Rivas, spokesperson for the National Network to End Domestic Violence, wrote this gripping memoir about his own survival of domestic violence. I feel it is especially powerful for teens to read as Victor tells his story of finally breaking free by telling his truth and getting help.
A Private Family Matter: A Memoir

2. Hotline
U.S. National Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-799-7233
Resources

3. Programs
Family Violence Prevention Fund
Check out its Respect Campaign and Lessons from Literature program.

4. Parent Tools
MADE and Love is Not Abuse
Free program that moms, dads and schools can lead to prevent and end teen dating violence.
Learn more here

Comments (0) | by Courtney on September 30

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Teen pregnancy is on the rise: 3 out 10 girls get pregnant. And MTV's popular 16 and Pregnant is showing a lot of the struggles that come with the territory. Plus, more than 1/3 of all unplanned pregnancies (1.1 million) occur to unmarried women in their 20s.

Preventing unplanned pregnancy is not just about having the "talks" about how babies are made, STDs and the perils of parenting without resources. Kids need to be supported—and invested in—on so many levels before the day even comes for those talks.

Based on my own risky journey with sex as a teen, to me a big part of the "solution" (there isn't one cure-all) comes down to boosting self-respect from many fronts. Imagine from age 0 that kids have a community, role models, school, organizations, family, friends and values around them that support the development of healthy self-respect. Well then risky choices become less of a risk factor, right? This is true for all the biggies that can derail a teen down the line from dating violence to drug abuse to, yes, unplanned pregnancy.

For me, this is where the Respect Basics come in. They are a worthy layer to add on to pregnancy prevention work. Through the Basics, you learn to envision the life you want and to set the boundaries you need to set to get there. You learn to build your confidence, communication skills and support network. And the people around teens (like me, their teachers and families) need to work the Basics too. It just sticks better that way! And teens need to teach the Basics to younger kids. It just flows better that way!

To push this mission forward, we have a new program guide coming out—the RESPECT: Keep It Going! Kit—for teens that includes up to 24 sessions you can lead that focus on self-respect, relationship respect and respect leadership to create change. Sign up for our NEWSLETTER (the box is on your left) if you want to be alerted when it comes out.

The thing is, the self-respect connection is not just true for kids and teens. Guess what? 20-somethings are getting "Knocked Up"—yep, unplanned just like the movie—at record rates too. More than 1/3 of all unplanned pregnancies (1.1 million) occur to unmarried women in their 20s and almost half of the nearly 19 million new sexually transmitted infections that occur each year affect 15- to 24-year-olds, according to The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy.

I have to say I was inspired to post about teen pregnancy (again!) by a recent conversation I had with the team at The National Campaign. The org just launched, Sex.Really to spark more convos among 20-somethings about their sex lives and relationships.

In your 20's, you likely know how babies are made and that you can catch some nasty STD if you're not careful (and even if you are!). So to me (broken record) it really does come down to self-respect. How are you taking care of yourself and your needs? Are you speaking about said needs? These Respect Basics (trust your gut. set boundaries-speak up! know you're valuable.) need to be developed to prevent unplanned pregnancy, too.

When you have respect on the inside, you have the foundation to make choices that work for you—and you have the ability to recover and learn from mistakes, too. Mostly you are empowered to break the cycles that need to be broken for you to thrive. And this world needs you to thrive.

More Resources
Also, check out The Campaign's Latina Initiative. It has created two new quizzes for teens in Spanish that are great to post on your websites. Quiz 1 • Quiz 2

More Respect Rx resources here.

Comments (0) | by Courtney on July 31

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If you've seen my story, then you know ending dating and domestic violence is a part of my big agenda. Chris Brown and Rihanna aren't the only ones who got caught in the cycle of violence:

1 in 5 teens who have been in a serious relationship report being hit, slapped or pushed by a partner...57% of U.S. teens have had a friend in an abusive relationship

You can now host a Respect Rally for teen girls and guys, as well as young adults, with a special focus on domestic violence prevention. In addition to our usual activities that focus on exploring and skill-building around The Respect Basics, this special Rally covers:
• the cycle of violence
• how to recognize the signs of an abusive relationship
• how to set boundaries and create mutually respectful relationships from the get-go

This is an empowering outcomes-based program to book during Domestic Violence Awareness Month this October. After attending a traditional Respect Rally, 500 teens surveyed showed the following notable shifts:

• 98% understood the difference between respect and disrespect (up from 51% prior to attending the Rally).
• 94% said they feel more comfortable setting boundaries and speaking up (up from 70%).
• 73% understood how to create respect in their relationships (up from 39%).
• 81% said they will definitely get help when they were disrespected or if they need it to achieve their goals or create change (up from 42%).

Click here if you want to book a Rally focused on dating and domestic violence prevention.

And please check out the resources from the RESPECT Campaign by the Family Violence Prevention Fund, too.

Comments (0) | by Courtney on May 6

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Everyone needs respect--so we've finally branched out to create a co-ed Respect Rally and a Rally just for guys. Our team has gone co-ed too! For part of the co-ed Rally, young men and women work in their own Respect Pods. Then they come together to get real and work on mutual respect. After the Rally, you can use the 24 workshop sessions in our Respect Keep It Going! Kit to do just that--keep the respect going.

The Rally is now designed for those in:
-middle school (120 minutes)
-high school (4 hours)
-college (day-long retreat)

Book your Back-to-School Rally
Our schedule is filling up quick--so email us asap to discuss your Rally. We know many of your budgets are tight, but that's not going to stop us from spreading respect. We're working on a sliding scale (we can serve up to 1,000 participants with one Rally depending on adult volunteers.). And once we lead your Rally, we'll ideally want to train you to deliver it on your own next time.

Download the Co-Ed Rally Information Kit!

CONTACT US

Comments (0) | by Courtney on May 6

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Dear Mr. President:
Thank you for putting a stake in the ground for women and girls. If you need a RESPECT voice and POV on any issue, call us! We are not only talking with girl advocates everyday but we also talk with real girls. We'd love to help you expand the voices at the table beyond the beltway. Including, of course, listening to girls from all over the country share what they see, need and their amazing ideas to create change.

The No. 1 way girls say the feel respected: "When people listen to me." If there is a problem effecting girls, we know firsthand that girls hold the solutions. Just ask!

We're at your service,
Respect Rx

Comments (0) | by Courtney on March 12

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We have post up on the National Council for Research on Women's new REAL DEAL site, which features updates and commentary from its network of more than 115 leading research, policy and advocacy centers, offering the latest reports, news and views—the real deal on what matters to women and girls.

Here is the post!

Comments (0) | by Courtney on February 10

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by Jen Uribe, Respect Rx Programs Assistant

September marked the launch of our new program: The Respect Rally, which inspire girls to change their worlds—inside and out.

After holding a Rally in Salem, OR., we led a Rally for Notre Dame High School San Jose, CA. As our volunteers, teachers and other supporters of Respect Rx were coming in and helping us out in the gym we could not wait to meet the 600 high school girls! As time flew by, it was finally time for the first slide of our rally, and the climate of the room could not have been more empowering.

There were 600 pairs of beautiful eyes staring onto stage, waiting to hear what the Rally leaders (Courtney, Respect Rx founder, and Jennifer Davidson, founder of Reality Check Coaching) were all about. Well it did not take long for them to fall in love with both of these empowering women and just seeing how both their positive energies work together. Once the Respect Rx team got the crowd going these girls were dying to speak out. The girls sat in pods of 12 and did activities focused on building respect in three categories: Myself, My Relationships and My World. After each activity, lines with more than 20 girls would form when we asked to come up and speak to their classmates. At one point girls even spontaneously broke into dancing around the gym in a big train to the song "Unwritten."

We could not have been more thrilled with how things went. It was all of our dreams come true. We could tell the girls were learning and yearning for more, which made every activity even more exciting. These girls were not only taking in all of our information but they were also teaching one another the core concepts of respect from their own unique experiences. This was incredibly inspiring both to the girls themselves and the Respect Rx team because this is exactly what we are all about: girls teaching girls!

We had girls write up their "Respect Promise" and here's what a few said:

To respect myself more, I will:

Appreciate and embrace what I have, take care of myself better, and think more positively about myself.

Accept myself for who I am, and not what others want me to be.

Look at myself everyday and tell myself I am beautiful on the inside and outside and no one can undermine me.

Overall, the day was spent with a variety of emotions from a variety of sources, but we can all agree that the rally was a huge success! We want to thank all of our supporters and we can't wait for our next rally, because we want to reach out to as many girls as we possibly can.

Comments (0) | by Jennifer on November 8

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We've partnered up with the super popular Whateverlife.com and Respect Rx is now the self-respect advice column on the site (which gets 7 million monthly visitors and 60 million page views!). Also, stay tuned for unique Respect Rx MySpace layouts from Whateverlife.com for all you girls. We are thrilled to promote this because the creator of Whateverlife is the amazing young woman Ashley Qualls who started the site when she was 14 years old! This girl is living proof that age does not matter because when you are doing what you enjoy, great things come out of it.

Comments (1) | by Jennifer on November 8

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Advocate: Cristina Spencer, ShineOnWomen
Website: ShineOnWomen
About: Cristina is a college graduate from Harvard with a degree in Women’s Studies with an emphasis in American Women's History. Women’s studies, rights, and female empowerment has been a passion ever since she can remember. Right out of college she worked in the book publishing industry. After living in the east coast, Cristina moved to California in 1997 to work for a booming online company called Excite.com. There she helped launch the first free email, chat, and instant messenger website! Since then she has moved on to bigger and better things such as having two children and organizing the ShineOnWomen event called “Celebrate the Power of Friendship.”
Her Mission:

“We are a group of women united by friendship who believe that taking care of ourselves and the world is the same.”

Respect Rx: What inspired you to get into women’s advocacy?
Cristina: After having graduated with a Women’s Studies degree and having been involved with Women’s Media Cristina was exposed to many problems women face today around the world. She was drawn to women’s advocacy especially after “becoming a mom, the experience took [her] back in [her] interest of women’s issues.” The parenting experience allowed her to see how “unsupportive this culture is of parenting” because of the high childcare costs which she believes “women take the hit for.”

What strikes you as the most pressing issue women face today?
First of all “it is important to see women’s issues as everyone’s issues because where women are struggling it’s a sign that the culture is off balance.” Cristina laughs and says “there’s so much to say, I am a strong believer that most women have a set of strengths and feminine qualities” that our “corporate-driven” culture needs to acknowledge. Our culture needs to “realize that there is more at stake than just money.”

How do you/your organization combat that problem?
My girlfriends and I “have been through everything” and we use that as a “resource to draw on” the support we receive from one another, especially after starting ShineOnWomen. We “feel a part of a larger group, and draw on that strength; the wellspring of friendship.” We knew that “doing something fun to celebrate women would be a good benefit for women” so we organized the “Celebrate the Power of Friendship” event which is designed so that all proceeds gathered will go to the Global Fund for Women.

What advocacy accomplishments are you most proud of?
“This project [ShineOnWomen, the event being held this month] because it is the most risky, most public advocacy project I have done. It still remains to be seen how successful it will be, but I am proud to be part of the group of people who are following this and are excited about [ShineOnWomen].”

What other advocates or organizations do you admire? “I admire Respect Rx and Moms Rising! I am just at the beginning of this, it’s not really where I’m coming from because I’ve been working in Business and Media. I am just learning right now, I’m a beginner.

What would you say to someone who wants to get involved in girl/women/advocacy but isn’t sure where to start?
“Talk to somebody you admire, a woman you admire, that’s a good way to start. There is a lot of resources online you can check out, you will find various things that will spark your interest. Also try and find a woman mentor, it’s so important to talk to them, ask them questions, and be connected to them.” Cristina explains that high school years are where you are in a “weird age island” and you need to go out and socialize with older people and organizations so that you can you can “see that those years are an experience and life will be so much bigger, interesting and complicated than what you are experiencing in these years.”

Comments (0) | by Courtney on September 13

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By Jennifer Uribe, Respect Rx Program Assistant

Overall, the crazy week we all went through at the Democratic National Convention was completely worth it for each and every one of us at Respect Rx, Jennifer Davidson, our partner at Reality Check Coaching, who co-facilitated with Court, and the film crew from Girls Rock! Productions. We partnered with the Girl Scouts of Colorado to deliver "Your Inner Leader" sessions for around 30 high school and college girls who attended the council's Building Leadership, Teaching Democracy Week. The girls were there to learn about the political process and their leadership power (even though we were observing the DNC, the Girl Scouts is non-partisan).

Personally, I could not have been more excited to be there, being 19 years old and having this election be my first I could fully participate in! I was hungry for politics, to learn everything I could and be able to connect with people who share my opinions in politics.

The girls started out by knowing little to almost nothing about one another. And by the end of the week there were so many tears and new friendships that were created which will always be remembered! One thing for sure is that spending my week with this great group of girls has changed me for the better. I came out feeling extremely inspired to go out and try to accomplish at least half of what all these brilliant young women have already completed.

Here's what went down during the week:

SUNDAY
While the girls were spending their time at the Molly Brown House, Davidson and I were unpacking and getting our materials ready for the rest of the week. Later that evening we met up with the girls at the Girl Scouts of Colorado’s main offices where we had a quick tour of the place. There, we got to see a neat performance by an Eleanor Roosevelt history presenter. It was as if she was the real thing right there in front of us! The thing that really stuck with me was that she said: “It is only through curiosity that you can learn.” I have always been a rather curious girl, myself. She also brought up a great point that will always help me when I am working with others. She asked “how do you arouse curiosity in others?” meaning that people must work to interest others in their passions. After that, dinner came and we all went to a Chinese restaurant where we had our first interaction with the girls. Our table was rambunctious because our girls were full of laughter and made jokes at every opportunity they got, it was fun! To close the night, Courtney and Davidson directed one of the best closing circles I have been in where everybody participated—adults and girls alike. Each person stated their stake and we joined hands to lock it in. My stake was: “To be able to affect every single person I meet in a positive way.”

MONDAY
After running up and down to get everything set-up correctly in the room, we finally had the girls coming in, a bit tired but ready for the next event of the day. I got to take pictures of the girls as they went through the “Take A Walk” activity and realized that everything girls go through—positive and negative—has a chain reaction effect. Then we shared ways we'd been disrespected and how it motivates us to make a big change in our world. It was such a powerful experience for me to witness. It was awesome to see how the girls all supported one another and really loved each other and were empowered by the activity. They named themselves the Lionesses! And in our closing circle each yelled “rawr!!” really fiercely.

TUESDAY
Our day started off with a presentation by Laurie A. Westley, Girl Scouts of the USA Senior Vice President, Public Policy, Advocacy & the Research Institute, talking about Advocacy programs and how girls can get involve around their communities and start their own programs. The girls also had a passionate discussion about public protest in response to Code Pink's protest the day before at the Unconventional Women Conference (which rocked!). Then came the inspirational speech by Hilary Clinton we were all waiting for. My favorite part of her speech was when she quoted Harriet Tubman:

If you hear dogs, keep going. If you see torches in the woods, just keep going. If they shout at you, keep going. Don’t ever stop, just keep going.

This is like our motto at Respect Rx: Keep going! Many girls thought Hillary Clinton “played it like she won” and stood in her power.

WEDNESDAY
Our kick-off activity of the day was “Discover Your Inner leader” and we began by defining the stereotypes of an “old” leader. The girls had a blast because at the end they got to run through the big poster they had created to bust through the old leadership model. After discussing the main issues they are all concerned with in small groups, they got to present their issues and solutions to the problems which were all very impressive! While in the middle of our activity, somebody came in the room and let us know Michelle Obama was in the Convention Center and about to speak in the Latino Caucus! We all gathered our stuff and literally ran to go hear her speak, which was totally worth it. What really caught me off guard was hearing Mrs. Obama say “Si Se Puede” in such a natural accent. She was incredibly inspirational, was clear about her stake and the issues she cared about. We were all so thankful to have been able to experience and learn from her leadership style—no matter what political party we belonged to.

Later on that evening after having dinner at the Hard Rock Café, we headed to The White House Project 10 Year Anniversary Party. We got to meet one of our idols, Marie C. Wilson, founder of The White House Project and Take Our Daughters To Work Day. All the girls looked great and we all participated with different activities. I worked with Katie, who was our roaming journalist for the week, by filming her while she was interviewing a few politicians who were participating in the event. It was interesting to hear that all these powerful and successful women had been at one point in their lives a part of the Girls Scouts.

THURSDAY
This was our last day with the girls and we wanted to make the best of it so we tried hanging out with them as much as we could. We did our last activity with them which was to finalize their issues and solutions so that they could create their official Platform. The girls got to present one more time, and we all had dinner anxiously waiting for the acceptance speech by Sen. Barack Obama. After the speech, there was a quick debrief with Professor Jennifer Barber and the girls got right back into end of our workshop. We had a short and sweet closing ceremony with acknowledgments to each other and our Inner Leader qualities. I will never forget what one girl said to me: “You always had a smile on your face and brought in a good energy.”

I felt totally complete when she said that because it was exactly what I said my stake would be!

Comments (0) | by Courtney on September 10

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Advocate: Claire Mysko, author and co-founder of Inside Beauty
Websites: Inside Beauty, ClaireMysko.com
About: Claire’s outreach program, Inside Beauty, gives girls and women a reality check on the messages they receive from the media and their peers. She works with model and recovered bulimic Magali Amadei to speak at schools and conferences about eating disorder prevention and media literacy. Claire is also the author of You’re Amazing! A No Pressure Guide to Being Your Best Self. She lives in Brooklyn.

Respect Rx: What inspired you to get involved in girl advocacy?
Claire: I suffered with disordered eating for many years, starting in middle school. My work in body image has a lot to do with wanting to use my own personal experience to do something positive. Middle school stands out in my mind as one of the most difficult and challenging times in my life and that’s also when I started my first diet. So I feel very closely connected to that age range. It’s been a wonderful opportunity to write a book targeted at teens and tweens because I think girls need a lot of support at that time.

What strikes you as the most pressing issue facing girls today?
One of the common issues with body image and disordered eating is perfectionism, and my book is about empowering girls to feel good about who they are. With disordered eating, there are many different factors—media influence, family influence, peer pressure to be thin, and research shows there are some biological components as well. So I don’t think we can say one particular thing causes eating disorders. The solution has to be a holistic approach. There’s so much pressure on girls to be perfect, and a big part of that is tied up with how they feel about their looks. Girls need to have strong support systems, to be able to reach out to the caring adults in their lives, and to approach media messages with a critical eye.

A lot of girls feel that they will be happier if they’re thinner or have the right look. They spend so much time and energy on it and sometimes put their physical health at risk. We have girls skipping meals on a regular basis. I use the term “disordered eating” because I hear many girls say they’re not anorexic—but their approach to food, weight and eating is not healthy. The quality of their lives is impacted by their obsession with food, weight and the desire to fit a physical mold. In magazines, anorexia is always attached to a picture of a very emaciated woman. Yet there are so many people who have problems and you would never know it by looking at them.

What advocacy accomplishment are you most proud of?
What’s most rewarding to me is to be able to hear girls’ experiences and talk to them one-on-one. I interviewed a lot of girls for the book, and being able to give them a forum to express themselves is so important. Once you put these issues on the table and say it’s OK to talk about them, it opens the doors for others and builds connections between girls. Girls find it very comforting to know they’re not alone.

If you could talk to yourself as a young girl, what would you say?
Give yourself a break more often. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You don’t have to be perfect all the time. In fact, that fear of making mistakes is so limiting. There’s such a value in taking healthy risks in life. As I got older, I learned that more. The fear of not being perfect can really rob you of some great experiences and exciting new adventures. You might mess up and you might not be the best at everything all the time, but you can have a lot of fun and learn a lot along the way.

Comments (1) | by Courtney on August 11

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When I was 15 and hating on myself and defiling myself and barfing and blacking out on the weekends—AND also having lots of fun and being free (ah the paradox)—I couldn't picture the future. The good news: I was in the "now." The bad news: My "now" was frequently hanging out in the disrespect zone. I couldn't picture who I'd be in 5 years—let alone in 5 months. I wasn't strongly attached to a vision or dream for myself. So that meant I was lost and losing myself.

And when I did meet and pursue my first big dream (going to college to become a journalist), self-respect started to bloom. And so did I. And now the world is better for it. And I can say that about myself and you should too. I say own your power because there is too much we are powerless over in the meantime.

I think when we can have a little meet and greet with our future self (who we'd like to be and already are deep inside) we can reveal our passions. Which helps us see what's important to us. Which can trigger our goals. Which allows us to move forward to create the life we want and fulfill our many callings. And it's fun.

Here's where I'm going with this (VIDEO follows!)...

Today a very beautiful person died: Randy Pausch. Randy was a Carnegie Mellon professor who I learned about when he was featured on Oprah. Dieing of cancer, with three-to-six months left to live, he delivered what has been coined "The Last Lecture." It was an assignment from Carnegie Mellon. Professors are asked to create and deliver the last lecture of their lives, the question: What would be your message?

Pausch's lecture, which would in his case be his "last", is a funny and inspiring talk about how he followed his dreams (BEFORE his diagnosis) and lessons learned. (It's also now a book.)

Watch his Last Lecture now:

When you're done watching, I want you to write Your Last Lecture. You don't need Powerpoint. You don't need to be a so-called writer (please people, I have misspelled my own name!). Here are some steps to get you started:

#1. Sit down, close your eyes, and picture yourself 5, 10, 20 years from now. What are you doing? How awesome are you? What dreams have you lived out? What's next for you? What have you learned? What's your impact on the people around you and our world?

#2. Write about your future self. How cool is she?

#3. Now that you're a bit more tapped into your greatness and abilities, write Your Last Lecture. Not into writing? Make a video or podcast message instead. What's your message to other girls, women and the world?

WIN IT! If you post Your Last Lecture below as a Comment, we'll send you a cool goody bag. We promise not to fall asleep and drool. These are some lectures we actually want to hear!

Comments (2) | by Courtney on July 25

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I had a blast this Saturday MCing the Jenna Druck Foundation's Young Women's Leadership Conference for middle school girls in San Diego. It was called: "Pretty, Hot and Popular" and was keynoted by my dear and powerful friend Jessica Weiner, who is global ambassador for the Dove Self-Esteem Fund. We inspired the girls to think about what makes them really (inner) beautiful and compelling leaders. The San Diego Tribune wrote about it here: Pre-teen girls hear message of self-respect, fitting in.

Comments (0) | by Courtney on July 22

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Advocate: Sejal Hathi, founder, CEO and executive director of Girls Helping Girls (and a high school student!)
Website: Empower A Girl
About: Sejal is a 16-year-old student at Notre Dame High School in San Jose, Calif. In her spare time, she loves writing, dancing, reading, playing with her dog Coco and spending time with family. She is currently preparing for a trip to Kolkata, India, where her organization will build a library for the daughters of commercial sex-trade workers.
Her mission: "We work to empower girls to create social change and build a movement of change makers."

Respect Rx: What inspired you to get into girl advocacy?
Sejal: I’ve always been really passionate about social change initiatives, but the one organization that really was the catalyst for my involvement with girl-related issues was Girls For A Change. When I joined Girls For A Change at the start of high school, I was really passionate and driven, but I still did not have that much direction. GFC revealed to me that any girl, however disadvantaged, can leverage her power to make a difference. The more social change projects I performed, the more I realized that the most fundamental problems affecting youth are not poverty or environmental degradation or political corruption. Rather, it was ignorance and the lack of a cosmopolitan cultivation amongst all youth that taught them that they do have a voice—they can be leaders for change. I desired to really work with the population that I thought was most vulnerable, most marginalized, most in need of love and empowerment: girls.

One project in particular that I performed with GFC was to empower the women and children victims of the Darfur genocide. I was able to befriend some of the girls there. After meeting with them, I was shown again the gap and the vast chasm that exists between girls like me who have the resources and support network to create change and those girls who don’t. Millions of girls in developing countries do not have those resources, do not have that hope, support or knowledge. That’s why I decided to muster my resources to create an organization that empowers girls.

What strikes you as the most pressing issue girls face today?
A lack of awareness—not only about global issues, but also about their own individual power and their own worth to humankind. I think a lack of awareness is the root of many problems.

How does your organization combat that problem?
We work to empower girls to create social change and build a movement of change makers by mobilizing girls through two primary initiatives. The first one is the Empower a Girl program. It’s a grassroots sister team program that partners girls in the United States with those in developing countries to achieve four global goals: eradicating poverty, increasing access to education, improving health and promoting peace.

The girls work together on curriculum and toolkits that we’ve developed to learn more about the issue and how it relates to their local communities, and collaborate to create social change projects that directly address the goal. This program also has a fundraising and philanthropic component in which we raise funds to empower girls overseas to pursue a holistic education, including scholarships, uniforms, school books and lunches.

Our second program is the Sisters 4 Peace Network. It’s a dynamic social change movement that provides one-on-one mentorship, toolkits, guidance and resources to girls around the world who want to launch their own organizations. Sisters 4 Peace is operated by a network of peace ambassadors who are successful girl entrepreneurs from all over the globe who are willing to contribute additional mentorship to the change makers in their regions. In total, so far, we have reached almost 1,000 girls in about 10 different countries through the Sisters 4 Peace Network and the Empower a Girl program, all in about a year.

What advocacy accomplishments are you most proud of?
I’ve done hundreds of speeches for girls, motivating them to believe in themselves, take action and understand they are really a united and unstoppable force. I’m really proud that I’m making a difference in their lives in that way.

What other advocates or organizations do you admire?
I really admire We Are Family Foundation, which was inspired by one of my role models, Mattie Stepanek. He was a child peacemaker who claimed that peace is possible and that we are all a mosaic of gifts that must be nurtured, accepted and cherished. He really advocated that anyone can do anything to make a difference in this world. We Are Family Foundation was born out of Mattie’s vision, as well as his desire to promote reconciliation after September 11. The work they do—promoting education in developing countries, empowering young peacemakers—is truly venerable.

Where do you see yourself in five to ten years?
In five years, I see myself finishing my undergraduate years and still growing the organization. In ten years, I want to go into the field of medicine. I see myself practicing as a doctor but still volunteering heavily. I really want to get involved in Doctors Without Borders and volunteer in clinics overseas—especially in sub-Saharan Africa and other developing parts of the world that do not have access to adequate health care and medical facilities. I want to get involved and see that access be made more equal.

What would you say to a young girl who wants to get involved in girl advocacy but isn’t sure where to start?
I would advise her to join our network and be trained! I would also advise her to look inside herself and discover what her interests are, what her passions are. That’s the first step to realizing how a person can become a change maker—realizing your own assets and how you’d like to contribute to the movement. Understand that you are a change maker at heart. As Dr Seuss said, ‘If someone like you didn’t care a whole awful lot, nothing would change for the better—it would not.”

Sejal’s picks:
We Are Family Foundation
Girls For A Change

—Interview by guest editor Tara Swords

Comments (1) | by Courtney on July 16

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From Atlanta to Oakland, last week amazing orgs I work with shifted the world by empowering girls who in turn empowered each other. I'm so proud of the founders of the bay area girls rock camp who just completed their first-ever week of camp in Oakland! 60 girls. 13 bands. The world on fire! The showcase on Sat. was amazing. Girls as young as age 8 formed bands. They learned how to play instruments—many for the first time. And they let their voices be heard. Loudly! Along the way, they flexed their power and found the support of an amazing community. The women who volunteered all week told me they were transformed (of course!) and that is was the best week of their lives. Here are the awesome rock-and-roll PHOTOS by Lori Paladino.

Comments (0) | by Courtney on July 14

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Sorry to be off the grid! I was in Atlanta last week facilitating the uniquely ME! Leadership Institute, which is a Girl Scouts of the USA program. Thirty girls ages 13-18 from more than 15 states came together to discover their inner beauty and who they are as leaders, to connect what they learned back to their communities, and to take action to empower other girls to raise their self-esteem. I learned so much more about what happens when you create an inclusive, safe space for all of us to be ourselves. From there the power and life-changing experiences just flow.

There also was a team of more than 40 adults from the Girl Scouts to amazing people in Atlanta who helped make the institute happen, including the team at Treesounds Studios. The girls got to meet so many amazing role models (so did I!) and even got to write and record a hook for a song for a 19-year-old amazing artist (more about her later!) who is coming on to the scene. They also learned about going green and creating social change. Mostly they learned about themselves and each other.

Here is the hook the girls created and recorded with their partners at Treesounds. It really says it all about who they are and what happened for them during the week:

WHAT YOU SEE YOU CAN ACHIEVE
BE YOURSELF AND BE FREE
DON'T LET NOTHING KILL YOUR DREAM
TRUST YOURSELF AND BELIEVE
GOTTA FIND YO SELF-ESTEEM
LOVE YOURSELF COMPLETELY
CREATED PERFECTLY
SO FRESH & UNIQUE!

So many of the girls said it was the first time they'd been with a group of girls where there was total acceptance of one another! The tagline of uME! is "You can change the way you look, or you can change the way the world looks at girls!" Nuff said.

Hi girls! Miss you! Love you! xoxoCourt. This is for you (and our power playlist is below!):

I'll write more about the week and the women behind it tomorrow. But in the meantime, I wanted to send you some shout-outs from the girls who will lead us all to a better day:

I have learned so much this week. Not only about myself, but that I'm not the only person who has gone through the same stuff. I want to say thanks to everyone who helped and participated in the first uMe! Leadership Institute!! I feel as though I have so much to bring back to my community from my experiences. I will never forget these moments.
Elizabeth, 17, Georgia

When I first came to this program, I expected to come home with just the knowledge of how to help others raise their self-esteem, but brought home so much more. From attending this phenomenal program, my self-esteem level rose and I have so much more confidence in myself. I also brought back a bunch of new and close friends. This was a truly unforgettable experience.
Isabelle, 16, California

I have learned so much about myself during this week, it will help me in the long run. Courtney is a really big help for what I was going through. I want to say thanks to all the help that everyone has given to me.
Megan, 17, Arkansas

The uniquely ME institute is the beginning to my path in life. I have learned so much at the uME Institute and have met wonderful lifelong friends. Being a Girl Scout has opened me up to the most amazing opportunities. I am very excited to go back to my community and start empowering young women. I believe that this is a woman's world and people just don't now it yet.
Allie, 16, Colorado

The uME! Institute is a wonderful program and every girl or even woman should participate in this program. It's wonderful and all the leaders have recently been elected to my Wall of Inspiration. The women who I am talking about are Courtney, Leanne, Christina, Lesley, Sharon, and can't forget Sabri-bri. The are wonderful and every one should participate this program changed my life in a week I'm sure it will change yours too. Pleaseeeeeeeeee join this program—it is life changing and you can discover the real person inside of you. The real you. The uniquely u.
DaJana, 13, Kansas City

uniquely ME! is an amazing program for young girls! I love that Courtney has been here with us teaching us to love ourselves and others. She is a stellar person! I think every girl or woman should have something as great as this in their life. I have met so many amazing people and learned things that I will take with me forever. During this institute I have learned to respect my body. I just really admire all the ladies that have been working with us. (The boys too =] ) Everybody has been really cool about everything and not judgmental which is what every young girl needs in her life. I'm so glad I had the opportunity to come down here it's a privilege to do this. I've made new friends that I will keep for a life time. =]
Tabetha 16, Illinois

The Uniquely Me program is an inspiring program for young women/girls. We learned how to love ourselves for who we are. I think that this program should be spread to every young girl so that they may learn to love themselves for who they are and not by what they see on tv. Everybody has been great here, they all have supported everyone. I made friends here that I will be able to keep for a lifetime. They are all great!! I also loved all the leaders that have been here helping us. They were all absolutely awesome! I had a awesome time!
Shannon, 14, Colorado

What I loved about the girls is that they taught me to speak up about my feelings. If i couldn't do it at their age, they have given me the courage to do it at 25. I am ready, to be complete.
Sabrina, 25, uME! leader

Comments (0) | by Courtney on July 14

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Download this report by the Center for Global Development and read it cover to cover. Excerpts:

• One person in eight—900 million—is a girl or young woman age 10–24.

• In many places girls and young women do not enjoy the basic rights of voting, cannot inherit land, are subject to female genital cutting, and do not have the right to stop unwanted sexual advances or gain justice. As the world seeks to fight poverty and respect fundamental human rights, girls remain nearly invisible to those in positions of power—and yet it is only through major and sustained improvements in the condition of girls that the world will reach its goals.

• Girls undertake much of the domestic labor needed for poor families to survive: carrying water, harvesting crops, tending livestock, caring for younger children, and doing chores.

• A sixth of the world’s young people live on less than $2 a day, including 122 million girls in Sub-Saharan Africa who live on less than $1 a day.

• One-quarter to one-half of girls in developing countries become mothers before age 18. And 14 million girls ages 15–19 give birth each year. Adolescent girls are up to five times more likely to die from complications of pregnancy than women in their 20s, and their babies are also at higher risk of dying.

• Nearly half of sexual assaults worldwide are against girls ages 15 and younger, and girls ages 15–19 in developing countries are at a particularly high risk for physical and sexual violence.

• Around 59 percent of HIV-positive adults in Sub-Saharan Africa—the worst affected region in the world—are women, and 75 percent of infected youth are girls ages 15–24.

• This report takes as a starting point that the wellbeing of girls matters, above all, because they are individuals with inalienable human rights. Nearly all countries are now legally bound to respect, protect, and fulfill women’s and girls’ rights as set out in two treaties: the UN Convention on the Rights of the Child and the Convention on the Elimination of All Forms of Discrimination Against Women. But in many countries and communities girls and young women still experience discrimination and abuse, and many of the public policy measures introduced to redress these issues are not enforced.

"Most important, girls matter because they are human beings. Girls have equal rights to human dignity, self-determination, freedom from violence, good health, education, and participation in economic and political life."

This report offers many powerful recommendations. Read them. The broad agenda includes three key actions:
1. Count girls. Disaggregate data of all types—from health and education statistics to the counts of program beneficiaries—by age and sex. Doing so will make girls more visible to policymakers and reveal where girls are excluded.

2. Invest in girls. Make strategic and significant investments in programs focused on adolescent girls, commensurate with their importance as contributors to the achievement of economic and social goals.

3. Give girls a fair share. In employment, social programs, protection of human rights, and all other domains ensure that adolescent girls benefit equitably. In many cases this will take explicit and deliberate efforts to overcome household and social barriers.

Another recommendation that hit home with us:
Creating safe spaces for girls: Recognizing the value of social networks and access to mentors for girls and young women, civil society organizations (including faith-based organizations) can play a critical role in creating and maintaining safe spaces for girls to congregate, share information and ideas, and obtain support and guidance. Safe and supportive spaces are a vital preventive measure for girls at risk of HIV or sexual violence.

WE'RE IN.

Queue the music...

Report by:
CGD vice president for programs and operations Ruth Levine; Cynthia Lloyd, senior associate with the Poverty, Gender, and Youth program and chair of the Bixby Fellowship program at the Population Coun­cil; Margaret Greene, director of the Population and Social Transitions Team at the International Center for Research on Women; and Caren Grown, economist-in-residence in the Department of Economics at American University.

Comments (0) | by Courtney on July 3

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The same week the story broke, tween idol Jamie Lynn Spears became a mom after a reportedly unplanned pregnancy. And according to The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy, recent data shows that the teen birth rate is on the rise for the first time in 15 years. Case in point: A recent study by the CDC found that condom use is down among teens and first-time sex for those under age 13 is on the rise and one in four teenage girls has a sexually transmitted disease.

Though there is now dispute about whether the Gloucester pact was real, with 17 girls pregnant at one school--and teen pregnancy on the rise in general--does it matter if there was a pact (my longer take on this here)? For parents, the question becomes: What do your teens know about teen pregnancy and how can you all play a role in prevention? Before you start in about the facts or your values about sex and pregnancy, try asking your teens what they think to truly get the conversation going. It also shows that you respect that they are young adults with their own ideas and values--and if they feel you aren't judging them it keeps the door open so they can come to you for advice and support.

Here are some talking points for parents (as featured on ABC's View From the Bay). And GIRLS, there's no rule that says you can't start the conversation with your parents, friends and, of course, anyone you're considering hooking up with in ANY way. Get yapping will ya?

Tip #1: Get informed
Explore web sites like The National Campaign and PPFA to learn the facts about teen pregnancy and to get tips and resources for parents. Sign up for their news alerts to stay on top of trends and hot topics that will be great conversation-starters with your girls.

Tip #2: Ask your teens what *they* think causes teen pregnancy (and the STDs that can come with unprotected sex, too)
These hot-button media stories are a great launching point to ask your sons and daughters what they know about pregnancy prevention. Ask them questions like: "What do you think led those 17 girls in Massachusetts or Jamie Lynn to get pregnant at young ages?" Don't settle for answers like "They were stupid idiots!" Ask them Juicy Questions to inspire them to dig deeper. And ask open-ended questions that encourage them to think about these issues for themselves and see their responsibility in making self-respecting choices. Ask them questions like:
* What are reasons you think people have unprotected sex or sex at a young age?
* What could have prevented those pregnancies?
* What are the downsides of teen or unplanned pregnancy?
* If someone plans to get pregnant at a young age, what do you think they're wanting?
* Who influences you and your friends' decisions around sex and pregnancy/STD prevention?
* In a relationship, who's responsible for taking steps to prevent pregnancy and STDs? Do you see any differences in how guys and girls are taught to prevent pregnancy and STDs?
* For you personally, what's the best way to prevent pregnancy and STDs?

Tip #3: Ask them about their goals and how you can help
Most teen parents face numerous extra challenges. They have lower completion rates of high school or struggle to make ends meet long-term or many girls end up being single parents. According to The National Campaign: "Simply put, if more children in this country were born to parents who are ready and able to care for them, we would see a significant reduction in a host of social problems in the United States, from school failure and crime to child abuse and neglect."

One teen pregnancy prevention tact is to support your teens in designing a future they choose versus one they fall into by accident. Vision Board anyone? Ask them questions like:
* If you could have it your way, where do you see yourself in five years? What's your life like and what are you doing?
* What do you need to do to make this happen?
* What people or resources can help you reach your goals (including pregnancy/STD prevention)?
* How can I support you in making your goals happen? What advice or resources do you want from me?
* How can I make you feel more comfortable coming to me for help if you're struggling with a decision or make a mistake (which happens to everyone)?

Tip #4: Be honest
If you feel there are gaps in your teens' sex education, offer them info they need to make choices that keep them safe, healthy and on the track they want to be on. Be honest about what you've learned and wish you'd know when you were younger. Try not to be in denial: Almost half (48%) of high school teens say they have had sex. Teen pregnancy isn't the only issue. Unplanned pregnancy for 20-somethings is also an issue (Three-quarters of unplanned pregnancies—2.3 million—were to women 29 and younger.). So get them thinking about what they want, how they can make choices that support their goals, and how to include you as part of their trusted support network.

You don't have to ask all these questions at once! Ask when issues arise or you feel yourself getting fearful about what might happen to them. Empower them to start make choices based on what they really want in life vs. feeling powerless or aimless. In general when you start shifting from advising and telling to asking Juicy Questions, your relationship with your teens can stay open as they become self-sufficient adults.

Comments (0) | by Courtney on June 30

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Advocate: Author Debbie Reber
Blog: Smart Girls Know
Recent book for teens: Chill: Stress-Reducing Techniques for a More Balanced, Peaceful You
About: Debbie lives in Seattle with her husband Derin, her son Asher and her dog Baxter. Read more about Debbie on her web site.
Her mission: "To create social media that inspires and empowers girls—from tweens to teens to young women and even women—to be their most authentic selves so they can live their best, most fulfilled lives."

Respect Rx: What originally inspired you to get into girl advocacy?
Debbie: I’ve always had this really strong desire to affect other people in a positive way. When I moved to New York after college, I was working for UNICEF but my volunteering always centered on teens. I volunteered for a homeless shelter for teens in New York for a couple of years. I think the year I was 15 was the worst year of my life, but I’m one of those people who is always looking to grow, learn, move on and recover from past mistakes. So as I acquired that information I felt a really strong urge to give back in the hopes of helping people get to that point sooner and skip some of the painful mistakes I made. And it’s part of who I am—so when I talk to girls’ groups, I’m a very open person. I will share anything and everything. And I find that can often be the bridge because being open helps teens realize that I get where they’re at.

What advocacy accomplishment are you most proud of?
The thing that I’m feeling connected to right now and happy about is my work as a coach with Girls on the Run. It’s a 12-week national program and they work with 3rd to 6th grade girls. It’s a curriculum using running as a tool to deal with all these other issues like media literacy or bullying. I’ve coached for a number of seasons. When I was first doing this, people thought I was crazy—working full time, raising a child and volunteering a couple of days a week. But I got so much out of it because so much of my work hasn’t been one-on-one with girls, and to have that opportunity is just awesome. This season, I’m doing a 5K with my little 4th-grade running buddy.

What other advocates or organizations do you admire?
I like the work that Mind on the Media is doing in terms of media literacy. I’m a big fan of New Moon magazine and Teen Voices for giving a voice to girls and letting them be on the board and run the ship. I’m involved locally with the Seattle Girls’ School on the board of directors. It’s a new school that’s very cutting-edge in their approach to education. They highlight math and science, which is great, but they also have this incredible anti-bias curriculum and they’re walking the walk. They’re turning out girls who know, in 8th grade, who they are, their strengths and weaknesses and how to work in teams. They’re set up to be incredible leaders and they’re all social change agents. I was a founding member of WriteGirl and I’m still on the advisory board. And Girls Inc. and the Girl Scouts are doing great work as well. Of course, I’m a fan of Courtney and Respect Rx and I’m totally excited to get involved with the leadership training for the Respect Rallies. I think the work that she and Audrey Brashich have done together is great.

What strikes you as the most pressing issue girls face today?
What I see in my work is low self-esteem in girls. It’s so hard to watch girls change from 5th grade and then they’re different people when you check in with them in 7th grade. They doubt themselves so much. It’s hard to watch girls go through that phase where—unless they have a strong support system in place—they tend to get lost.

Tell us more about your mission?
I think my whole purpose is to give girls information. I don’t try to do super-teen speak, I don’t use all kinds of text shorthand. I just try to connect with them in a way that feels really genuine, give them information in a way that’s relevant to their lives. There are so many things that if I had known, even one phrase could have made a huge difference in how I saw the world. Just knowing that my emotions are controlled by the things I tell myself. And knowing that connection and realizing that by changing your thoughts—which is a very conscious thing you can do—you can affect everything else.

If you had a chance to talk to your younger self, what would you tell her?
Two things come to mind: One is to not look for self-worth through boys, because I did a lot of that in college and it’s the part of my life that is still hard for me to think about. Just to tell myself “that wasn’t going to cut it for you or give you what you needed.” And the other thing is knowing that things are going to work out just fine, that there’s so much more to life than your world at 15. Just hang in there and get through it, and your whole world is going to open up.

What would you say to a woman who wants to get involved in girl advocacy but isn’t sure where to start?
I would say there are a gazillion opportunities out there. Find something you’re passionate about separately and bring that love to a program for girls in that area. For me, running is a passion of mine and my work with Girls on the Run connects those two things. It’s the perfect thing for me because I bring all of my energy to it. And just to know that by being a self-assured, confident woman, you are by default a role model for every girl you come into contact with. They’re looking at who you are and deciding, “Do I want to be like that?” I’m very conscious when I’m interacting with my girls from Girls on the Run. They ask me how old I am and I’m careful not say, “Ugh, I don’t want to tell you.” I say, “I’m 38,” because I know they’re listening to me and they’re going to make a judgment about how I feel about myself by how I respond to that question. Just know that we’re being watched, and even if it’s not a formal situation, you can always have a positive impact on girls.

Debbie's picks:
Girls Inc
Girl Scouts
Mind on the Media
New Moon
Seattle Girls School
Teen Voices
WriteGirl

—Interview by guest editor Tara Swords

Comments (0) | by Courtney on June 30

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The media has been buzzing about a "let's get pregnant!" pact apparently made by at least 8 out of the (she says matter-of-factly) 17 pregnant students at Gloucester High School in Massachusetts, according to Time magazine. Update: A week after the story broke, there is much dispute about whether the pact was real or not. Even so, 17 girls pregnant at one school?! Does it matter if there was a pact?

I'll make a confession that only my inner circle of girlfriends from high school has known until now. Eighteen years ago, I made my own sex "pact" when I was 15-years-old. I made the pact the summer before my junior year of high school. It wasn't a pact to get pregnant. It wasn't a pact to stay a virgin. But it was a pact to lose my virginity alongside my BFF on a camping weekend.

We went camping with two 18-year-old men. We even made them dinner. We wore our cute Contempo Casual ensembles and then we took leave to our separate tents. At least her partner was her long-time BF. Mine was a guy who'd showed me minimal attention (being rude and dismissive), taken me to a dance (a last-minute invite), and chased after my friends in front of me (and everyone else in school). And the "pact" experience sucked so bad for me that I swear I remember thinking—at the moment it was happening—I'll never be the same after this.

And I wasn't. Not because my "precious" virginity was gone. But because I had hit the no-self-respect-aholic's equivalent of ROCK bottom.

I knew at that moment that I was treating myself like trash and I was getting the same in return. This is easy to do when you basically believe you are trash. I spent almost three more years making it worse for myself.

I was caught in a disrespect spiral that hadn't started with that pact. Just like we all know this Gloucester H.S. baby boom process started long before those girls got knocked up or Juno hit the big screen with her quick whit but slow-thinking when it came to birth control. New mom Jamie Lynn Spears is not to blame either (timing wise these girls aren't far behind her on the way to the delivery room).

Like I'm sure is true with the Gloucester 17, a sexual choice triggered by having next to no self-respect took me time to cultivate (even with my environment speeding things along). And even from the thin analysis were getting of their environment, it sounds like I have a lot in common with the girls of Gloucester. As do girls everywhere I go. I hear a story like this a week (or dozens when I'm the road speaking)—of a girl wanting to get pregnant or having unprotected sex or abusing drugs and alcohol or dating guys who could give a rat's ass. Or just hating herself and not really knowing why.

And this all comes from a place in a girl where she hasn't connected to the truth: that she is valuable no matter what kind of feedback the world is giving her. So she (in this case a gaggle of girls) settle for a senseless pact (whether explicit or not) in which the fine print (that life is about to get even harder) is written in invisible ink.

When you don't have great expectations for your 15-year-old self, doesn't a Target registry, baby shower with your BFFs and a little bundle of love start to look good right about now?

My pact didn't lead to me be becoming a young mother but it did lead to a long, drawn out rock bottom that became a cornerstone of my ultimate turn-around. That camping trip is one of the main reasons I co-wrote RESPECT. And it drives my mission to support girls and women in building their own self-respect and creating change so that all people get the goods. (Even if like me you have to build it back all the way from the bottom of a nasty tent in the woods where you just surrendered your last shred of dignity). Or even if you have to build back from a pact that led to 17 babies being born into the class of 2008-2009.

So this is a "hot" story. Everyone will be asking WHY? And a good number will cast these girls like thoughtless, malicious morons (insert newscaster voice: One girl even had sex with a 24-year-old homeless man to conceive.). And update as of 6/26: Now it appears the pact might have not even been real. No matter: Lets look at the impact of the girls' situation on all of us (does it really matter which ones made the pact or if it existed at all?). And let's look harder at ourselves. Recent data shows that the teen birth rate is on the rise for the first time in 15 years. Gloucester H.S. you're not alone. Along with comprehensive sex education, self-respect is a commodity that needs to be nurtured now in every one of our communities, homes and hearts. And in every girl. And in those 17 fathers who will no doubt NOT be the main focus of the national pregnancy pact media frenzy. And in those 17 babies who will be here soon.

Here's what it comes down to as put so well by one girl quoted in the Time article that first reported the pact:

Ireland, 18, gave birth her freshman year and says some of her now pregnant schoolmates regularly approached her in the hall, remarking how lucky she was to have a baby. "They're so excited to finally have someone to love them unconditionally."

And Ireland’s observation also reveals the true solution:
What if every girl knew how to make that "someone" herself?

This is why I get out of bed every morning. To make a different kind of pact—a Respect Pact—the new default setting for all girls and women. And for me.

More Info >
• The 7 Respect Basics
• Sex: The 7 Questions
• Teen Pregnancy Prevention: Emerging Answers 2007

Comments (3) | by Courtney on June 26

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get in effect here

Comments (1) | by Courtney on June 21

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I've been working on two major leadership thing-ies:

1. The Girl Scouts USA uniquely ME! Leadership Institute (which I'm facilitating July 7-11 in Atlanta). I've been reading through the girls' applications. And, well, if you want to have a good cry while your heart fills with hope and admiration for your fellow girls (and our future leaders), come on over to my house and have a read!

2. Respect Rx. We're taking steps every day, every minute to create powerful event programs and trainings for girls and women and their advocates. We're growing rapidly thanks to the Jens* and other amazing women like our new accounting guru who doubles as a passionate high school music teacher. And thanks to my coach Sharna Fey. And thanks to the supportive coaches I train with at The Coaches Training Institute. This leadership stuff takes a village, people! As it should.

It got me thinking about what kind of leader do I want to be? What kinda leader am I already? I believe we all lead. The question is: What are we leading ourselves and others toward?

When it comes to what kinda leader you want to be, you don't have to copy archetypes you've seen in action: Trump, Bush, Gates, your current boss, your current principal, your mom:). That said, high-profile-role-model pickings can be slim if you want to learn from someone who has walked your walk. Women account for only 2.6% of the Fortune 500 CEOs and 16.4% of Congress members. And of those Congresswomen, only 20 women are women of color.

That said, to me, a leader doesn't have a fancy title and the paycheck to go with it or be elected or be able to pass me toilet paper under the bathroom stall because we share the same gender. You don't need someone exactly like you who came before you to pave the way for you to lead (not that it doesn't help!). At the end of the day, we all are already leaders. And if you feel you don't fit the so-called mold or don't know how to break it, then paste this quote Sharna sent me next to your bathroom mirror:

Everybody can be great...because anybody can serve. You don't have to have a college degree to serve. You don't have to make your subject and verb agree to serve. You only need a heart full of grace. A soul generated by love. —Martin Luther King, Jr.

This week's Juicy Question: What kind of a leader are you? And what are you leading yourself and others to**?

*This is not a new rock band:) Jen Jones and Jen Davidson and Jen Uribe are on Team Respect Rx.
**Hey, MLK said it's OK for me to end a sentence with a preposition.

Comments (0) | by Courtney on June 19

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National, state and local YRBS studies are conducted every two years among high school students throughout the United States. These surveys monitor health risk behaviors that lead to unintentional injuries and violence; tobacco, alcohol and other drug use; and sexual behaviors that can lead to unintended pregnancy or sexually transmitted diseases, including HIV infection. The surveys also monitor high school students’ dietary behaviors, physical inactivity, and the prevalence of obesity and asthma. More than 14,000 U.S. high school students participated in the 2007 National YRBS.

What did the CDC find after looking at the 2007 data? Today's high school students are less likely to engage in many health risk behaviors than high school students in the early 1990s. I'm glad to know that many teens are not taking a page from me and my friends' book (hi, class of 1992—glad we made it out alive!). In all seriousness, though, there are still some real rough spots. Especially when it comes to Latino youth, under-age-13 sex and condom use.

Interesting Finding #1: First-time teen sex is down among white and black teens. HIV/AIDS prevention education is up. But the survey also found an increase from 2005 to 2007 in the percentage of teens having sex before age 13. Among sexually active teens, 61.5% reported using a condom during their most recent intercourse, down from 62.8% in 2005 and 63% in 2003.

Rx: Sex isn't about will you or won't you. Come on! Teens deserve our respect and that means comprehensive sexual education including communication skills and how to use condoms and birth control and how to get tested for and prevent STDs and how to talk to some supportive adults before you jump into the hook-up pool.

GIRLS: A good start is The 7 Questions, then read everything here, then find a trusted adult to go over your options with...Here's a hint: Your mom. Planned Parenthood staff. I know, I know not everyone has a mom like my mom—she was a real straight shooter that one. Probably because she had a kid her junior year in high school. She gave us comprehensive sex ed. at home, in the car, at the dinner table, in front of the TV. I probably told my friends about The Pill and Waiting Til You're Ready and Boys Who Want to Get A Notch on Their Belt when I was 8. So I knew the facts. But with my self-respect on the fritz, I still needed to talk to my mom and reach out for support. I made a lot of mistakes because I didn't reach out. So think about it: Who can you turn to for a honest conversation or two or 500?

Interesting Finding #2:

Hispanic students remain at greater risk for certain health related behaviors and have not matched the progress made over time by black students and white students in reducing some sexual risk behaviors. Hispanic students were more likely than either black students or white students to attempt suicide, use cocaine, heroin or ecstasy, ride with a driver who had been drinking alcohol, or go 24 hours or more without eating in an effort to lose weight. Hispanic students were also more likely than both black students and white students to say they did not go to school on occasion because of safety concerns, were offered or sold illegal drugs on school property or drank alcohol on school property.

Rx: I'm Latina. Not that I need to say that for permission to speak. But look, I see this going on with the girls I work with and in my community and in my family. Of course, it's not the whole story and I don't have all the answers. But I will say this: We need more self-respect-building investment in our Latino youth. Like all teens I want to see Latinos having real opportunity to thrive (jobs, college, family planning, free speech, equal rights, a vision for their life and the ability to make it happen) vs. being left behind and disregarded (prison, unplanned teen pregnancy, restricted rights, gangs, profiling and families being destroyed by addiction, deportation, and the list goes on and on). This doesn't just happen in the Latino community, but this study does confirm that we are struggling big time.

Some action items for advocates (and girls)...

Partner with Latino youth to make changes: Organizations like Girls For A Change don't try to "fix" Latina girls, they ask them what needs fixing. The innovative ideas that girls share spark social change projects that the girls themselves lead and complete. So take GFC's lead and find a way to partner with teens to change the status quo! They have the ideas and you can provide the coaching and network to help them see it through. Along the way, their self-respect and vision for themselves grows. You'll grow too. We need to call ALL teens up to leadership. Especially those who are struggling and who fall under this study's concerning findings. They are invaluable assets. Please invite them to the problem-solving table.

Invest: Back organizations like Eastside Heroes. They are sending kids to college, feeding hard-working parents in need and giving hope and role models to lots of kids where I live. Just one man started this organization and is making a powerful impact. Also in California, teens can apply for the Chicano Latino Youth Leadership Program. Then there is the CCNMA, which gave me two scholarships that enabled me to transfer to San Francisco State University and ultimately become the first person in my family to graduate from college. I was just reminded of this and just sent them a check myself today (really, I just licked the stamp)! Or donate to another scholarship organization that enables kids who have NO resources to complete their education and become self-aware, visionary leaders in our society. College isn't the only way to break these cycles, but it's a darn good start.

Prevent teen pregnancy and STDs: I just met the National Campaign's Latino Initiative team in D.C. and they are working to prevent teen and unplanned pregnancy from a place of respect and care. Read the research, check out the recommendations and get involved. The National Campaign also published a guide, Emerging Answers 2007, that has research and findings about programs that reduce teen pregnancy and STDs. Please check out this guide to bring a program to your area or get linked to an effective one that's already opened shopped. For more on what we need to do about sex ed. see the Rx under Finding 1 above! There are more resources on StayTeen.org.

Listen and learn from gang and drug prevention task forces and organizations in your area: From my life experience, these issues go hand-in-hand with limiting the potential—and lifespan—of Latino youth. Every org is different and has a different tact. So find the one that matches your values. I'm sure we can all connect the dots to how this impacts us all and every family you'll ever meet if you dig deep enough.

Strengthen families: Latina teens are obviously a part of families. I was! We need to be holistic and compassionate with the whole family when we are trying to empower youth. Health care, child care, education, legal assistance, fair wages, drug and alcohol recovery, safety, respect, inclusion in the political system. The list goes and on and on. For starters, look at what is going on in your community to help people living below or barely above the poverty line. Get involved. Get to know your neighbors zip-code wide. My heart always bubbles over when people in my neighborhood get behind a family in need. Our hood is like a United Nations that includes real people too. Yes we have Congresswoman and we also have advocates like me, single moms, day laborers, new immigrants, fifth-generation and beyond, college students, clergy, CEOs—you name it. When s*** hits the fan over here, the neighborhood mobilizes. And along the way another group of neighbors plants flowers and plans BBQs for the whole area. So honor your values. If you're like me, they include viewing all people as equals and as your extended family members. When someone needs extra support, you throw your weight their way.

Latino youth—and all teens—need this now. So let's show them we value them.

Comments (0) | by Courtney on June 16

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Along with our fabulous Respect Rx Groups that are just for girls, may we also suggest: the RESPECT Book Club.

RESPECT Book Clubs are casual, fun and a place to be real with each other and share feelings and issues about self-respect, relationships and making healthy choices. You can create the club just for moms and daughters, girls and their big sisters or woman mentors, or you can modify the format and create a special dads and daughters version!

Some suggestions for getting started:

Step No. 1: Set up your book club. Before your first meeting, you’ll want to:

• Select an appropriate venue for the book club (library, members’ houses, school, etc).

• Recruit a dedicated group of mothers and daughters, for example.

• Pick a recurring date and time for the club to meet.

• Distribute information on how to get the book for those who haven’t already.

• Appoint a moderator to lead the first discussion. After that, rotate!

• Design a way to keep members informed about meeting details and reading assignments, such as an email group or a phone tree.

Step No. 2: Create a Respect Pact. In the spirit of the book, it’s important to set the tone for the group with a Respect Pact. You can design this pact in the group’s first meeting and read it at the beginning of every meeting as ritual. The pact can address:

• How you’ll show each other respect.

• How you’ll share responsibilities and organizational tasks.

• The way that daughters will support their mothers, and vice versa.

• The promise of privacy—what is said during book club meetings stays within the group (no post-club gossip!).

• What resources you’ll approve to be used in the meeting, such as trusted helplines or other books besides RESPECT when you're done reading it.

Step No. 3: Try the sample meeting format: Here’s one suggested way to set up each book club meeting:

• Form a circle with chairs or on the floor.

• Start things off by reading the Respect Pact (see above).

• Each week can focus on one of the 12 chapters in RESPECT. Come to the meeting having read the corresponding content for the week. You can also take turns reading sections of a chapter during the meeting.

• Start off with a discussion round, in which members can share how the content relates to their lives. If you’re reading the book during the meeting, have each person share after they’ve read. Make sure everyone has a chance to share and try to avoid giving advice if a personal issue comes up. Instead, remember that each girl and woman can figure out her own life. Listen, ask open-ended questions but don't try to fix each other.

• Engage the group in an activity, such as one directly from the book. You might do a group activity or a quiet journaling activity. Another option is to agree to do the journaling as an assignment for the next meeting.

• Close the meeting by reading Your Rights together.

xoxo

Comments (0) | by Courtney on June 5

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A new UC Santa Cruz study found that 90% of girls—that's 9 out of 10—report experiencing sexual harassment at least once.

After polling 600 girls between the ages of 12 and 18 from California and Georgia, the study found that sexual harassment was going down in the form of:

**receiving inappropriate and unwanted romantic attention, hearing demeaning gender-related comments
**being teased about appearance
**receiving unwanted physical contact
**being teased, bullied, or threatened with harm by a male

From what I'm told by the teen girls I meet all over the country, this rings all too true. And sadly, the numbers haven't improved from decade-old studies. That said, the total number of instances-per-girl was down according this study. What isn't clear to me is if the researchers looked at girl-on-girl or girl-on-boy harassment—girls, parents and teachers tell me this behavior is on the rise, too. And let's not neglect the fact that the sexualization of girls (and the rest of us) along with girl-bashing is a centerpiece of tons of media and so-called entertainment.

More from the study and tips for girls, parents and girl advocates:

"Sexism remains pervasive in the lives of adolescent girls," said Professor Campbell Leaper, who led the study. "Most girls have experienced all three types of sexism--sexual harassment, sexist comments about their academic abilities, and sexist comments about their athletic abilities."

The study also found that:
• 76 percent of girls said they had received discouraging comments about their abilities in sports.
• 52 percent said they'd received discouraging comments related to their abilities in science, math, or computers--three areas Leaper focused on because of the persistent gender gap in academics.

Leaper's study tries to identify the factors that predict whether girls will recognize their experiences as sexism. Recognizing when sexism occurs is a crucial first step toward overcoming discrimination, she says. “Otherwise, it is more likely that individuals attribute failure to their lack of ability rather than to the obstacles in their environment," adds Leaper.

I agree. Knowing how to call out sexism, objectification and harassment is the first step toward girls breaking through many unhealthy "girl culture" norms that harm girls and hold them back.

Here is a major point from the study:

Girls who had learned about feminism through the media or from people in their lives, including mothers and teachers, were more likely to recognize it than girls who had never heard about feminism. Also, girls who felt pressure from parents to conform to gender stereotypes perceived more sexism than other girls.

We can make an impact. Here are some tips for girls, parents and girl advocates:

Know your rights: We were inspired to write RESPECT in large part because of all the disrespectful stories were were hearing from girls about harassment and bullying. RESPECT Chapters 11 and 12 cover girls' rights, define harassment and inspire girls to create change.

Set boundaries: From gossip to back-stabbing to nasty sexual insults, we all need to work on our boundaries. Here's how to speak up, get help and report harassment. And here are more tips on dealing with "slut" rumors.

Flirting or Hurting? Not sure? Take the quiz to find out.

Spread respect. How does sexism, harassment or girl vs. girl gossip make you feel? Share your experiences with each other. Talk about how these forms of violence—and that's what they are—hurt girls, guys, parents and girl advocates alike. In what ways does this behavior hurt the perpetrators too? How can we make a change in our homes, schools and community? How do our media role models and favorite shows deal with harassment or perpetrate it? And how can we carry ourselves with more respect and respect for others to challenge this unhealthy norm? List 10 things you can do and do them!

Check out some of the amazing projects from Girls For A Change Girl Action Teams for more inspiration:

* The girls of Team 12 are taking a stand against sexual harassment in their community. They have produced a video that depicts several characters experiencing sexual harassment. They believe that by showing what people go through when they are sexually harassed, it will challenge people to rethink how they treat each other. The team also received Yahoo!’s “Purple Act of Kindness” award and were given video and editing equipment to complete their project. The team took a field trip to Yahoo! where a team of professionals taught them video production techniques. The final video will be shown at various schools around EPA and may be featured on Yahoo for Good’s website.

* The girls of Team 29 are also tired of seeing sexual harassment in their communities. They believe that sexual harassment can be reduced by educating people in their community of its detrimental effects. By performing a play and creating a slide show, they illustrated to their peers and community members that the issue affects everyone. They hope that doing this puts them one step closer to eliminating sexual harassment in their community.

* Girl Action Team 5 is fired up about starting a campaign that takes a stand against violence in their community. The team will teach girls about self-awareness and self-esteem--with the desired effect that girls stop being part of creating violence through gossiping and bullying and also stand up against violence in all forms. The team created and presented an original educational campaign that engages 7th and 8th grade girls. The curriculum includes discussions and activities on inner beauty, self-confidence, girl power and supporting beauty in others. They will tie in discussions on beauty and self-esteem and how these relate to violence in the community.

* The girls of Team 24 feel that expressing their personal experiences with sexual harassment will build awareness about the issue. They developed an article to be posted in the opinion section of local Milpitas newspapers describing personal experiences with sexual harassment at school. Their goal is to make people aware that this goes on in a “safe” town like Milpitas and happens to girls as young as 11-13. They are building a community of support which they will use in developing an anti-sexual harassment campaign next year.

Comments (0) | by Courtney on May 22

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In late April, we headed to Connecticut to lead the Connecticut Interscholastic Athletic Conference and Dove Campaign for Real Beauty Self-Esteem Week! Our mission: To inspire and empower the 1,600 girls who attended our Respect Rx assemblies to GET REAL, respect each other and focus on their passions versus outside packaging. And we were JUST as inspired by the truly phenomenal girls we met at seven schools in seven days! HEY GIRLS!!!xoxox

Our journey took us all over the Hartford area—from Southington to Naugatuck to Berlin to Cheshire. At each middle school and high school, we focused on what keeps us from being real and respecting ourselves? Then we got down to boosting our self-respect and supporting each other in getting more real. Girls got out of their seats, spoke up and showed each other that no one is alone when it comes to universal self-esteem issues. Many of us struggle with body image, not fitting in, perfectionism, drama with friends, tough family issues, negative habits and thoughts, addictions or abuse. So many girls came up to us after to get more support and share their own stories.

One of their fave parts was seeing the Dove film titled "Evolution," which exposes fakery in media by showing a model's transformation from her roll-out-of-bed self to a billboard beauty—all with the help of Photoshop finesse. Even if they'd seen it, the film sparked us all to think about: Then why do we still fall for this stuff?

The video definitely opened up an interesting dialogue with the girls about how media affects us. We also played a game that questions why do we instantly recognize the women from reality TV and celeb magazines versus social change agents like Wangari Maathai or Mayerly Sanchez?

After debunking some beauty myths, we focused on where we want to go. Do we want unrealistic ideals and drama to hold us back? Or do we want to be true to ourselves and follow our passions? Most girls say YES to owning their power! We led the girls through a 15-minute visualization where they got to meet their Future Self. In this activity, girls fast forward five years into the future to see how their Future Self lives. Girls met the woman they'll become. She was most often strong, educated, confident. They envisioned themselves as doctors, record producers, special ed teachers, architects, college students and so much more! It was truly breathtaking to see auditoriums filled with hundreds of girls deeply meditating with eyes closed and mentally designing their futures. (One school principal said in her 25 years of education she'd never heard the overhead lights buzzing in an assembly—thats how engaged the girls were!).

Their Future Self also told them a word to remember and here were some of the words they heard:
Love
Dedication
Smile
Persevere
Faith
Strong
Hope
Brave
It's OK

Many girls even HUGGED themselves when we said to hug their Future Selves:):):) It brings tears our eyes (we know we're cheesy, but seriously it was awesome!).

Even in one hour you (yes, you reader!) can reach a girl and together shift the world a bit. The week was truly one of the most rewarding weeks of our lives. From the girls and educators we met (those who work hard every day to empower teens) to the amazing dream team that made it all possible: Special thanks to Bob Lehr, Steph Ford, Bob Ford, and all the CIAC-CAS school officials who so generously donated their time, space, positive energy and dedication! Also big-time thanks to Ama A. and the Dove team. We can't wait for next year!

xoxoCourt&Jen

P.S. Adults and older teens: You can lead a Dove Real Beauty Workshop for Girls. Check out the free materials!

Comments (0) | by Courtney on May 17

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This isn't about bashing Miley, Blake, YouTube and company. Many girls love these media stars and the web, right? (And so do many of us!). That said, girls do need help learning to filter what's shaping them and girl culture. Here are some tips I shared on ABC's View From the Bay today to help you make the most of media "buzz" moments to learn more about your daughter and the media world she's living in:

Step No. 1: Get primed on girl culture
Never heard of Perez Hilton or The Hills? It might be time to tune in. Be aware of the media hype and sexy sensationalism that your daughters are marinating in everyday and everywhere. At the same time, know that girls are going to be exposed to media no matter what controls you put in place. The key is staying on top of their media "diet" by checking out the blogs, web sites, magazines, TV shows and films that girls—or their friends—are obsessed with so you are informed enough to have honest conversations with them about hot topics.

Step No. 2: Chat about hot topics
Parents can use media buzz moments like the Miley Cyrus photo controversy to have honest conversations with their daughters about their celebrity role models and how they feel media is affecting them—or not. If you really want to know how media and advertising and online social networks are influencing your daughters, ask open, non-judgmental questions like:
• What did you think about the Miley Cyrus photos?
• If you were in her shoes, what would you have done?
• What do you think about the Gossip Girls ads?
• What do you like or not like about that show?
• What are some reasons you think girls would post fight videos on the web?
• Does this happen with your friends, too? How does it make you feel?
• How are you and your friends affected by what you see in the media?

Step No 3: Talk about the role of role models
One role parents can play is to help girls dig deeper when it comes to who they idealize. Again, don't judge their role models; just ask juicy questions, like: What do you love about (fill in the blank)?
• What about her to do you admire?
• Besides what she's famous for, what is she into or what does she do that you think is positive?
• What kinds of things do you think should make women and girls famous or admired?
• If every girl in the world were to look up to you as a role model, what would you want them to see about the real you?

Step No. 4: Try not to overreact or judge
Many girls not only love media and entertainment, but take it one step further by creating it indie-style and aspiring to work in this field in the future. So if you "put down" their media, they might dismiss and shut you down. So respect and know that they are often just as concerned about the hot button issues as parent are these days. Try not to get too frustrated about "kids today" or focused on completely locking down their media access. Instead, keep asking powerful questions and listening to your daughter's point of view and ideas to make changes. She will feel more empowered, and you'll sleep better at night knowing that she is actively analyzing her world and learning about her likes and dislikes and wants to change.

Step No. 5: Empower your daughter to create change
Girls are not blindly going for every advertising trick and media stunt they see. If they could have it their way, what would they be promoting when it comes to TV, magazines and the web? If they are turned off or annoyed by what they see, ask them:
• What do you think causes (the problem they've identified)?
• What are some ideas you have to change this?
• What are some steps you and your friends could take to make a change?

Comments (0) | by Courtney on May 15

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I just met the awesome people behind the new documentary Girls Rock!, which tells the inspiring story of girls who attended the The Rock 'n' Roll Camp for Girls in Portland. At the camp, girls ages 8-18 come from all over the country to learn to rock. The girls form bands, write songs and build community. They bang their heads! Listen to our conversation on KALW's Your Call radio about girl culture and Girls Rock! here.

Please go see the movie (clip below) which opens this weekend! And check out the web site for more screening dates through May. To get inspired, watch the trailer, which, well, rocks! The movie is about the universal struggles girls go through and how the camp is life-changing for this group. (It would be for anyone!) They discover a support network and their strengths. And the girls' creativity and vulnerability just blows me away (as usual!).

What one of the young women, Laura (15), says that just killed me (in a good way). I WANT every girl to make this discovery:

"I've been waiting for so long to finally admit to myself that I'm amazing, and I really am. Everyone is beautiful in their own way and they get even better when they decide to be powerful and they decide to rock."

Girls and girl supporters: check out the rock camps. For example, the Girls Rock! Bay Area is launching this summer and accepting applications through April. The cost is $400 per girl. Financial aid is available to qualifying participants.

Comments (0) | by Courtney on March 7

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This is what can happen when a group of women get together to empower each other. I started ChicksWhoClick more than six years ago (before we had myspace and facebook to play with!). It's a private network of creative and powerful women who know people. And this year, we launched a scholarship! The winner will get cash for college and be invited to the network. Check it out and spread the word! We're hoping to support one ambitious young woman's first year of community college. We needed this kinda support when were starting out and we're only happy to pay it forward.

ChicksWhoClick Scholarship
Are you a young woman between the ages of 17 and 20 who will be entering community college for the 2008-2009 academic year? If so, you may qualify for the ChicksWhoClick (CWC) scholarship!

About CWC
ChicksWhoClick is an international private network of women in media, creative arts, communications and girls' & women's advocacy. CWC was founded in 2002 and consists of an email list, social networking web site and offline networking events. Members of CWC share inside lines on job and project leads, publicize their work, get career advice and contacts, collaborate and support each other's work and goals.

About the scholarship
CWC believes in supporting young women in reaching their potential. We've created a privately funded scholarship to help one young woman pay for her community college education in pursuit of a career in media, journalism, creative arts, communications, or girls' & women's advocacy.

The winner will receive:
• A cash gift-card in the amount of $1,150 to be applied toward your college education
• A membership invitation to CWC to introduce you to a network of mentors and peers who can support you as you pursue your education, future job opportunities and creative paths.

How the winner is chosen:
A CWC panel will review applicant submissions. By July 1, finalists will be contacted for proof of community college enrollment and a brief phone interview. The panel will choose the winner based on a majority vote. Winner will be announced in August 2008. Applicants will be judged on the strength of their essays and the idea those essays contain. Finalists will also be evaluated on interviews.

Qualifications
To qualify, the applicant must:
• Be a young woman between the ages of 17-20 living in the United States.
• Be attending a U.S. community college in fall 2008 or winter 2009.
• Be intent on pursing a degree or career in communications, journalism, new media, creative writing or women's studies.
• Agree to send an update to CWC after the conclusion of the 2008-2009 academic year describing how your education is evolving, how the scholarship has supported you and what's next for you.
• Be prepared to provide proof of enrollment for fall 2008 or winter 2009 semesters.

How to apply
Only electronic submissions will be accepted.

DEADLINE: MAY 1, 2008

Please submit the following materials to Tara Swords, CWC moderator, via email (tara@taraswords.com) by the deadline:

o An essay of 700-800 words telling us your intended field of study, why you are drawn to it, and how this scholarship and support from CWC can help you achieve your goals.

• The following personal information in the body of your email:
o Name, age, mailing address and telephone number
o Name, city and state of the community college you plan to attend and when you will enroll
o Your intended field of study

Good luck!

Comments (0) | by Courtney on February 20

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My friend and body image expert Jess Weiner reminded me that Feb. 24 starts National Eating Disorders Awareness Week so I'm *finally* posting about one of my favorite books of 2007. Perfect Girls, Starving Daughters: The Frightening New Normalcy of Hating Your Body by Courtney E. Martin. This book is required reading for girls and those who care about girls and all the women who were girls once:). Here Courtney and I talk about the book and the "new normal" that we can work to change for girls and for ourselves:

Respect Rx: What can girl advocate or parents do—small or big things—to counteract the "new normal" of girls hating their bodies?
Courtney E. Martin: The most important thing that a girl advocate or parent can do is heal their relationships with their own bodies. So many adults, mothers in particular, become paralyzed trying to figure out the perfect thing to say to their daughters. In truth, the most powerful thing they can communicate is through their own modeling.

What can a girl do to change the tide when body hatred/diets/exercise/fat talk is ALL her friends talk about?
One of the most important lessons I learned in college was that I had to choose my friends just like I chose my classes. This means sometimes taking the embarrassing step of approaching a "friend crush" and telling her how amazing you think she is. Some of my closest friends were women that I did this with and I have never regretted it, no matter how dorky it seemed at the time. You don't have to hang out with toxic people, and most of the time, it is treacherously difficult to change them.

I loved your discussion of "spiritual hunger" and have seen this firsthand. In what ways can girls and women start to truly "fill up" to reach our potential?
I think women need to be still, give themselves time to reflect, read philosophy and spiritual texts, really take the space necessary to contemplate on the idea of "the good life." It is an age-old quest, but one that we have gotten further and further away from the more appearance and consumer focused we become and the faster we move.

In your mind, what could girls and women being doing instead with all the power and time we spend thinking about our bodies? In other words, what kind of impact could we have if this weren't often our main focus?
There's no doubt in my mind that if women harnessed all the energy they now put into their body projects and used it for good, the whole damn world would be changed forever. And perhaps even more important, women's quality of life would simply skyrocket. We deserve to live our best lives, and as long as we are body-focused, we will never be able to do that.

What is the one thing you do every day that supports you in NOT hating your body but appreciating yourself and fulfilling your mission?
I check in with my body and respect its wisdom. If I'm sitting at the computer too long and my back starts stiffening, I remember to honor that, get up, take a walk around the block or get a snack. Simply valuing my body's wisdom in a million little ways is the biggest revolution for me.

Buy the book here. And check out more resources and reads here. Break the perfect mold here. Get REAL here.

Comments (0) | by Courtney on February 20

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Hey girls (and girl advocates)! I wanted to tell you about an amazing summer camp you might want to check out this year. Omega Teen Camp is an empowering and creativity inspiring camp for teens that was founded at the Omega Institute in New York.

I was a guest teacher at the camp last year. During our daily intensives, myself, my assistant teacher (the fabulous Rachel Myrowitz) and a group of passionate teen girls talked about our experiences with self-respect, sisterhood and social change. We also did a social change web—a tool developed by the awesome org Girls For A Change! (see example below).

The girls focused on the Issue: Why do so many girls have a negative body image? Next, they looked at the Effects of having a negative body image and the Causes of negative body image. Then they came up with their own three-fold social change project to impact a root cause of the problem (that girls need more support from each other to feel comfortable in their own skin!).

And they did this all by just spending a few hours a day together during one week! The girls:

...created and led a workshop for other girls at the camp so they could talk about body image, why so many girls hate their bodies, and what they can do about it!

...designed "INNER beauty bands" with positive affirmations. They wore the bands to remind them about how valuable they are and that they deserve respect (especially from themselves).

...hung positive affirmation signs throughout the camp with phrases to inspire their fellow campers to see their inner beauty—not just what was in the mirror.

The girls were so creative, caring and motivated to make changes. I think they were so primed to work together because of the supportive and progressive environment at Omega. I've been so inspired by the girls that I've been telling other girls around the country about their project!

Comments (0) | by Courtney on February 12

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A Phoenix community college student, Kia Smith, founded the Miss CHAMPION pageant, which is all about girls building their self-confidence and recognizing their inner beauty. Forget makeup and fake tans, these 11- to 14-year-old girls participate in team-building exercises, talk about girl culture and share their personal struggles. Read more here...

Comments (0) | by Courtney on May 10

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3 out of 4 girls say they feel pressure to be "super girls" according to Girls Inc.

Girls are feeling the pressure to be perfect on all sides (see the study here). They feel they need to have the PERFECT looks, bods, grades, friends, clothes, cars, accessories, gadgets, sweet 16 parties, BF/GFs, extracurriculars, proms, senior pics, college apps, and the perfect future. Many admit to me that their parents are the ones putting on this perfecto pressure. And BTW, this quest for perfection can cost some serious coin (but who pays?).

Well, I have a confession to make: I'm not perfect and I come from a long line of not-so-perfect people. My mom was a teen mom. My dad was a teen felon. Neither went to college or high school graduation for that matter. Yet, both are my role models for reasons too long to list here. I respect who they are at their cores. And they did "succeed" in my opinion. Both encouraged me to do *my* best, to find my own way and passions, and to leverage my strengths. They encouraged me to get a leg up in life through education (including college). But they didn't do it for me or show me how--and they couldn't really--because I was going into uncharted territory as far as they were concerned.

Primarily, my mom let me make mistakes because, honestly, she didn't have the time or capacity to hover over me. And she let me pay my own price and never covered up for me (to my annoyance most of the time). But when I succeeded I got to totally own that too. My dad has since passed on, but I know he'd be proud of my-not-so-perfect path to personal success. My mom shares in my success through bragging rights and the fact that she doesn't have to loan me money or solve my problems. I know how to keep the lights on in (in many respects).

I guess the point is, girls can succeed without doing everything perfect or by someone else's book. And shouldn't this be our highest ambition for them? They can value themselves based on more than if they get into the best college or have the best stuff or clear skin. But we have to model this for them. Girls can define their own measures of success--especially when we ask what *they* think. And we can start by questioning our own definitions of success as their role models.

In this month's issue of Daughters, I spoke with a woman whose mission and book I admire, Madeline Levine, author of the The Price of Privilege: How Parental Pressure and Material Advantage Are Creating a Generation of Disconnected and Unhappy Kids.

Check out our conversation about how girls and parents can redefine success and break the perfectionist trap for good! Here's an excerpt of my tips:

Spring the “perfect” trap
Having high standards for success can be exhausting, deprive us of fun, and alienate us from our kids. Instead of trying to “do it all perfectly,” try these tactics.

Break the mold. There’s an old saying: “Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?” There is no one “right” way to find success. You’re a unique person with custom-tailored dreams. Explore your passions, expand your horizons, work to your strengths—and encourage your daughter to do the same.

Let go. You can’t control everything—thank goodness! Focus on what you can change (your behavior, your outlook on life and how you care for yourself) and let go of trying to control everything around you, which usually makes you feel out of control anyway. And letting go applies to being overly critical, too. Let yourself (and your daughter) off the hook when it comes to being perfect. Make room for mistakes—remembering that they are the path to important life lessons, and discoveries.

Be real with friends. Nothing drives perfectionism like wanting to keep up with (or one-up) our friends. Instead, be real with your friends about who you are and what you want. Parenting is harder when we isolate ourselves. So spend time with your friends being yourself, talking through your difficulties, and supporting each other’s diverse versions of success.

Get help. When we’re trapped by perfection, it’s impossible to admit that we need help. Yet getting help is a self-respect basic. If you’re struggling, hurting, or feeling aimless, reach out for help. We all need support. Our daughters need to see that asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness, because we all need a helping hand to manage our lives and responsibilities.

Comments (0) | by Courtney on May 3

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Sure, respect is an inside job. Every girl has to commit to finding, building and keeping her self-respect. But we can throw our support a sistah's way. We can encourage her that she’s worth the effort. We can be there for her when disrespect has got her down. That’s what this sisterhood thing is all about, right? Here are 5 ways to help a girl (or woman or friend) invest in her self-respect:

1. Point out her strengths
Forget dishing advice about a how a girl can improve when it comes to her weaknesses. Instead, compliment her on her strengths (she already has many, guaranteed!). Let her know how amazing she is and how impressed you are by her talents and gifts. Highlighting her strengths (daily if necessary) is essential: She might be focusing on what’s wrong with her and not see all that's special about her.

But it’s important not to attach pressure or a prescription to your compliment like: You’re so great at math, you should become an engineer. Here are the colleges you should apply to but they’re very tough to get into, so you should... Instead, plant a seed so she can grow by using her strengths, like: You’re so great at math, do you enjoy it? If the answer is yes: If you want to spend more time flexing your math brain, let me know. Would you want to help me balance the family’s checkbook? It’s an important job and you’d be awesome at it if you’re interested. Whether you’re a parent, coach, supervisor at work, teacher or mentor, give her tons of opportunities to play to her strengths so she can boost her confidence, skills and self-respect along the way.

2. Encourage her passions
You have your dreams, and the girls in your life have theirs (even if they don’t know it yet). Behind every poster child for self-respect is a long list of passions that are being pursued, fulfilled and never ignored. Cheer girls to go after their passions. Coach them about to explore their interests and balance their passions with their responsibilities. Support them however you can—whether it be a ride to lesson they never want to miss, packing them a snack to keep their energy up, or just asking them about their passions and how they make them feel. Share with them the limitless potential we all have. For inspiration, offer examples of your heroes and role models. Ask them who they admire and why. And accept when their passions change. Allow girls the flexibility to grow out passions and into new ones—always encourage them to try new things and that mistakes are lessons in disguise.

3. Tell her she can do it (but don’t always tell her how)
Every girl already is creative, resourceful and whole. The question as her advocate is: How can you draw out her power and gifts? No matter what challenge lies ahead, encourage her that she *can* do it. Then ask—not tell—her how she thinks she can achieve her goal, dream or task. In a supportive way (and when neither of you are frustrated) ask her open-ended questions like: How would you go about getting into that college? or What are some ways you might raise the money to go to music camp?

As you take the time to ask powerful questions, her own intelligent plan will unfold. Be patient. This approach can take longer because she is new to exploring options and making action plans. If you hang back but let her know you are there for her, she will likely ask you for some advice and support—and then you can give her the benefit of your wisdom and experience. By telling girls they can do it, and then letting them figure out how, they start to see how smart they are, take more ownership over their plans, and think more deeply about the possible outcomes of their choices.

4. Listen and respect her boundaries
Girls tell me that the No. 1 way they feel respected is when people listen to them. Sounds easy, right? When girls are sharing their feelings, dreams or disappointments, press your lips together, open your ears and lean in. They are giving you a gift. When girls share, it’s the chance to see inside their hearts and pick up clues about how you can support them in becoming who they are supposed to be. When you are truly listening to them (without butting in or offering advice or discounting their feelings because they scare you) they are seeing respect in action. Also, listening to their thoughts and ideas is part of coaching them about how to make self-respecting decisions. It reinforces that they and their feelings count (isn’t this what we all need?).

Girls say they need to be able to talk without fear or judgment. Otherwise, they start to shut out their advocates, stop asking questions and don’t ask for support. So it’s all about listening. Young people have things to teach us too! And when they set boundaries, listen harder than ever before. Because if a girl can’t set boundaries in the safety of her own home, how is she going to enforce her boundaries to protect herself and not be doormat out in the real world? Like if she says: Mom, can you not ask me tons of questions right when I get home from school? Or, It hurts my feelings when you criticize how I do things. Listen and then negotiate an alternative that works for both of you. She’ll feel respected, you’ll feel like you can still positively influence her...and respect will start to rule under your roof.

5. Respect yourself, too
Respecting ourselves is a life-long practice. Show the girls in your life how it works for you. Learn and live The 7 Respect Basics—from following your passions to listening to your gut.

Show her (even if you’re still working on it) how you take care of and appreciate your mind, body and soul. Show her how you value yourself based on more than what you have or how you look. Show her how you support other women and don’t put them down. Show her how you do things that you love and that enrich your life. Show her your integrity by telling and living your truth. Show her how when you are dealing with disrespect—unhealthy relationships, negative self-talk, too much stress, depression, addictions, etc.—how you’re not afraid to get help. Show her how you surround yourself with people who respect themselves and want you to be yourself. Show her that she doesn’t have to be perfect and how to learn from mistakes instead of letting them define her. Show her that you are forgiving of yourself and others. Show her how to treat people equally and not violate others' rights. Show her that even if we’re not always set up for success, that true respect starts on the inside.

If you work toward loving and respecting yourself and others in her presence, she will learn how to do it too. Mission accomplished.

Comments (0) | by Courtney on November 8

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Sure, respect is an inside job. Every girl has to commit to finding, building and keeping her self-respect. But we can throw our support a sistah's way. We can encourage her that she’s worth the effort. We can be there for her when disrespect has got her down. That’s what this sisterhood thing is all about, right? Here are 5 ways to help a girl (or woman or friend) invest in her self-respect:

1. Point out her strengths
Forget dishing advice about a how a girl can improve when it comes to her weaknesses. Instead, compliment her on her strengths (she already has many, guaranteed!). Let her know how amazing she is and how impressed you are by her talents and gifts. Highlighting her strengths (daily if necessary) is essential: She might be focusing on what’s wrong with her and not see all that's special about her.

But it’s important not to attach pressure or a prescription to your compliment like: You’re so great at math, you should become an engineer. Here are the colleges you should apply to but they’re very tough to get into, so you should... Instead, plant a seed so she can grow by using her strengths, like: You’re so great at math, do you enjoy it? If the answer is yes: If you want to spend more time flexing your math brain, let me know. Would you want to help me balance the family’s checkbook? It’s an important job and you’d be awesome at it if you’re interested. Whether you’re a parent, coach, supervisor at work, teacher or mentor, give her tons of opportunities to play to her strengths so she can boost her confidence, skills and self-respect along the way.

2. Encourage her passions
You have your dreams, and the girls in your life have theirs (even if they don’t know it yet). Behind every poster child for self-respect is a long list of passions that are being pursued, fulfilled and never ignored. Cheer girls to go after their passions. Coach them about to explore their interests and balance their passions with their responsibilities. Support them however you can—whether it be a ride to lesson they never want to miss, packing them a snack to keep their energy up, or just asking them about their passions and how they make them feel. Share with them the limitless potential we all have. For inspiration, offer examples of your heroes and role models. Ask them who they admire and why. And accept when their passions change. Allow girls the flexibility to grow out passions and into new ones—always encourage them to try new things and that mistakes are lessons in disguise.

3. Tell her she can do it (but don’t always tell her how)
Every girl already is creative, resourceful and whole. The question as her advocate is: How can you draw out her power and gifts? No matter what challenge lies ahead, encourage her that she *can* do it. Then ask—not tell—her how she thinks she can achieve her goal, dream or task. In a supportive way (and when neither of you are frustrated) ask her open-ended questions like: How would you go about getting into that college? or What are some ways you might raise the money to go to music camp?

As you take the time to ask powerful questions, her own intelligent plan will unfold. Be patient. This approach can take longer because she is new to exploring options and making action plans. If you hang back but let her know you are there for her, she will likely ask you for some advice and support—and then you can give her the benefit of your wisdom and experience. By telling girls they can do it, and then letting them figure out how, they start to see how smart they are, take more ownership over their plans, and think more deeply about the possible outcomes of their choices.

4. Listen and respect her boundaries
Girls tell me that the No. 1 way they feel respected is when people listen to them. Sounds easy, right? When girls are sharing their feelings, dreams or disappointments, press your lips together, open your ears and lean in. They are giving you a gift. When girls share, it’s the chance to see inside their hearts and pick up clues about how you can support them in becoming who they are supposed to be. When you are truly listening to them (without butting in or offering advice or discounting their feelings because they scare you) they are seeing respect in action. Also, listening to their thoughts and ideas is part of coaching them about how to make self-respecting decisions. It reinforces that they and their feelings count (isn’t this what we all need?).

Girls say they need to be able to talk without fear or judgment. Otherwise, they start to shut out their advocates, stop asking questions and don’t ask for support. So it’s all about listening. Young people have things to teach us too! And when they set boundaries, listen harder than ever before. Because if a girl can’t set boundaries in the safety of her own home, how is she going to enforce her boundaries to protect herself and not be doormat out in the real world? Like if she says: Mom, can you not ask me tons of questions right when I get home from school? Or, It hurts my feelings when you criticize how I do things. Listen and then negotiate an alternative that works for both of you. She’ll feel respected, you’ll feel like you can still positively influence her...and respect will start to rule under your roof.

5. Respect yourself, too
Respecting ourselves is a life-long practice. Show the girls in your life how it works for you. Learn and live The 7 Respect Basics—from following your passions to listening to your gut.

Show her (even if you’re still working on it) how you take care of and appreciate your mind, body and soul. Show her how you value yourself based on more than what you have or how you look. Show her how you support other women and don’t put them down. Show her how you do things that you love and that enrich your life. Show her your integrity by telling and living your truth. Show her how when you are dealing with disrespect—unhealthy relationships, negative self-talk, too much stress, depression, addictions, etc.—how you’re not afraid to get help. Show her how you surround yourself with people who respect themselves and want you to be yourself. Show her that she doesn’t have to be perfect and how to learn from mistakes instead of letting them define her. Show her that you are forgiving of yourself and others. Show her how to treat people equally and not violate others' rights. Show her that even if we’re not always set up for success, that true respect starts on the inside.

If you work toward loving and respecting yourself and others in her presence, she will learn how to do it too. Mission accomplished.

Comments (0) | by Courtney on November 8

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My 13-year-old daugher is rude, mean and disrespectful to EVERYONE. She won't follow house rules and laughed off a class we took about family communication. She doesn't care about anyone else's feelings. I'm seriously at the point of wanting to disown her.

Rx: I can tell from your short note that you're frustrated and your daughter is probably angry. You both seem hurt. Even without knowing more details, I can offer you this: Don't give up on her. The world needs her to reach her potential (and the same goes for you).

Let's back up. No doubt, most teens are pulling away and asserting their independence. The problem for parents: Sometimes this comes off as straight-up rudeness or downright ugliness or all-out rebellion. (Oh, my mom could tell you some stories). Still, I have higher ambitions for your daughter and have seen teens be some of the most caring, giving humans on the planet. So we have room for growth here. Here are some next steps you can try to get on the path to mutual respect:

1. Get help
Getting help is a Respect Basic. It's great that you took a class together (even if she didn't go for it right away). Don't give up. Please seek out a family therapist in your area as well as someone your daughter can see on her own (many offer sliding scales). Your daughter sounds more than angst-y, she sounds angry. The question is: Why? If something has happened that's making her feel angry, she needs help asap. She needs a safe place to express herself and get support. Also, you need support. Do you have any unhealed wounds that you need to finally face so you can have the life you deserve and create respect in your family? Do you need help working through your anger at your daughter, too? Do you need more communication tools? A qualified family counselor can help you each work through your pain points, learn how to express anger in less damaging ways, learn how to take care of yourselves, and can help mediate so you can have conversations where you both feel heard and respected. Try the American Psychological Association, your family doctor or school guidance counselor for a referral.

2. Listen closely
It's tough that you're at the point of wanting to push your daughter away. But, please try to open up your heart to her again. Think of her as she was as a baby. She (as are you) is a loveable, amazing person. She's trying to find her voice and power. And though she seems to be doing it in a destructive way, one thing is clear: She needs you. She needs to feel your love. She needs to feel heard. She needs healthy boundaries. And she is still only 13—she is still a kid and she is still your responsibility. Think about what you've been through. Has anyone ever given up on you? What do you wish would have happened instead? Try to soften your walls if you can because she needs a soft place to fall right now. In fact, tell her you're not giving up on her because you love her and watch her face soften (even if it's microscopic) when you do. (See more speaking up tips here).

3. Make a pact
Obviously the communication is not respectful around your house these days. Without yelling or blowing up, start to cooperatively set the boundaries for how communication will go down in your house. Most important: set the tone and model respectful behavior for your daughter. Better yet start the conversation this way: ASK her how she wants to be treated, thinks she should treat others, and to come up with some family rules for respect that you can all discuss. This will boost her self-respect a bit and make her proud when you praise her ideas. Then really do discuss it and come up with some new standards together. Decide together what will happen when the Family Respect Pact is broken. Let her know you're going to work on improving too. It's probably not just her who needs to shape up, right? You should all be honest about how the disrespect has made you feel (say "I feel____when (this happens) and I want (state how things need to change)." Come to some agreements, but make clear that you are going to be a respect leader/role model in the house from now on and your boundaries are firm.

4. Trigger her passions
What does your daughter care about? What’s her secret talent? What does she love to do? What is she good at? Now is the time to explore her passions (or unearth them). Your daughter is drowning in negativity and she needs some positive feedback. And doing what you love—finding your bliss—helps respect grow on the inside. And that helps respect grow on the outside (as in respecting others more). Tap into her passions and tap into your praise for her. Even though you still aren't getting along well, can you start to spend time together doing new things that can build her confidence (and appreciation for your love and support)? Can she join an after-school program where she has no baggage and where she can start new, meet people, and build her skills and self-respect? Whatever she likes to do (or used to like to do) ENCOURAGE it with all you have.

I hope these ideas are a good start. Just remember: You and your daughter need each other—whether you can stand each other right now or not. And you are both worth endless investment on the self-respect front.

MORE INFO
RESPECT, Chapter 5: Family
http://www.coolcommunication.com

Comments (3) | by Courtney on October 16

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Dr. Madeline Levine has been a practicing clinical psychologist in affluent Marin County for 25 years. Now she’s written a book about how some teens are coming up empty despite having tons of opportunities and resources—and the pricey goods to go with them. In The Price of Privilege: How Parental Pressure and Material Advantage Are Creating a Generation of Disconnected and Unhappy Kids, Levine writes about what’s she’s finding among so-called privileged youth:

When a bright, personable fifteen-year-old girl, from a loving and financially comfortable family, came into her office with the word empty carved into her left forearm, Levine was startled. This girl and her message seemed to embody a disturbing pattern Levine had been observing. Her teenage patients were bright, socially skilled, and loved by their affluent parents. But behind a veneer of achievement and charm, many of these teens suffered severe emotional problems. What was going on?

Numerous studies show that privileged adolescents are experiencing epidemic rates of depression, anxiety disorders, and substance abuse—rates that are higher than those of any other socioeconomic group of young people in this country. The various elements of a perfect storm—materialism, pressure to achieve, perfectionism, disconnection—are combining to create a crisis in America's culture of affluence.

This culture is as unmanageable for parents—mothers in particular—as it is for their children. While many privileged kids project confidence and know how to make a good impression, alarming numbers lack the basic foundation of psychological development: an authentic sense of self. Even parents often miss the signs of significant emotional problems in their "star" children.

I'm almost done with this read and have to say: Ms. Levine hits on something that I have seen and felt among young women, my peers, and, well, it seems like almost everyone. What happens when you don’t learn how to trust yourself, be resourceful and do your thing (whatever that may be)? What happens when you measure your worth based on what’s on the outside (looks, possessions, status, fitting in with—or being on top of—the crowd)? Levine’s main concern is that the privileged kids she studied aren’t becoming autonomous. They don’t know themselves at all. Worse: There is no "self" there to know. They also are consumed by materialism—valuing people and themselves based on what they have, not who they are deep down.

But what Levine is talking about is not just “poor little rich girl” stuff. Maybe you've felt it (are living it) too. I call them self-respect-busting MYTHS. Believing these myths often adds up to feeling broke on the self-respect front and can rob us of our true potential:

Your goal in life and efforts should be focused on getting the best, most expensive, magazine-mentioned stuff—from your handbag to your home to that five-star wedding bought on credit. It’s important to stand out in *these* ways.
+
You should fixate on remaining young and thin (ever so discretely).
+
Success is scarce—you need to fight everyone for it. Or if someone else is successful, they stole your spot!
+
To feel good is not only to look good but to (secretly) feel above other people (especially your “friends”).
+
You need to keep up with the Jones’? Forget that. It’s about being first-to-market and miles ahead of the Jones’. The Jones’ can eat your dust (and be jealous of you while choking on said dust).
+
You have to strive to win big and collect impressive victories during every waking minute: Just won American Idol today? So, what’s next tomorrow?
+
Not that you’d say it out loud, but you deserve better than others—or know better than others. You also feel entitled to what your parents have or to be able to buy your parents 5x over.
+
Even when you get what you (think you) want, you should still want more, better, the best.
+
To be somebody means to have all attention on you as if you’re walking down a 24/7 red carpet with bulbs flashing.
+
To be somebody really means everybody wants to be you.
=
Not Blinged-Out Life but The Big Empty (Doesn’t it?)

Rx: Believe me, I still struggle with some of these self-respect-busting myths. Like the occasional: You’re nobody till Oprah loves you (and invites you on her show). Honestly, though, we don’t have to operate this way. Having self-respect, feeling valuable (but not more so than others), and knowing that you have a mission in life (and having the resourcefulness to get on with it!) is a PRIVILEGE we should all enjoy.

Anyone who knows me knows that on paper I didn’t come from a life of traditional privilege. (i.e. Single mom who started out as a teen mom and worked her way up without a high school diploma; domestic violence and addictions under my roof; father who’d done serious time; knowing what “one paycheck from the street” meant before most kids start collecting an allowance. And no, I didn’t get an allowance.)

But I feel so privileged so to speak. Especially when I feel the pain the teens I connect with are going through (whether they’ve been given every opportunity or are struggling to survive). Why? Because my parents and older siblings made me feel loved and special because I was, well, just me (no additives, no upgrades, no pressure). My parents had no real plan laid out for me, or money to back up my plans when I made them (which I did resent sometimes—“it’s not fair!”).

However, many of the teens I’m meeting are living another extreme: They are either seemingly handed everything and their life plans or have no skills, internal resources, or healthy self-respect. OR they are getting little-to-no support, and though they might have a lot of heart they have no help in learning how to survive and find their own successes. Um, they all have cel phones.

All I can say is that I got some character-building basics from my family that served me well before we ever came up with the 7 Respect Basics. The lessons were: You’re responsible for you. You’re responsible for who you choose to hang with. Educate yourself so you can solve problems and have an impact. If you don’t know how to do something: ask. Treat people how you want to be treated—clean up your act when you don’t. Pitch in to help people when they’re down. You need to pay your bills and honor your commitments. So if you need money, make it, but don’t be greedy, self-centered or wasteful. Less is more. Speak out against injustice—always. Appreciate what you have. What counts most is being a good person. It’s your life. And my favorite: I never promised you a rose garden... All this with a healthy dose of boundaries (though not always, I had to learn to trust my gut and protect myself, too).

What I didn’t get: a credit card or a cookie-cutter formula for success. The result: Coming up with my own brand of success feels so much better (and achievable!). Thanks to this privileged guidance, I’ve found that when I really feel sparkly, gorgeous, and good it’s when I’m striving for something that’s hard to buy and requires no competitive edge: To be compassionate and helpful and non-harmful. To do what I know I should do. To follow my dreams. In fact, life is really booming when I’m not obsessing about what’s outside of the true me or competing to “get mine” (again: possessions, looks, status, being right, riches, rewards, notoriety). I’m not sure how this stacks up to living a life of traditional privilege, but I sure don’t feel like I’m living on Empty here.

After reading Levine’s book, it just confirms why I believe we need to change the expectations and marks of success. We need to change it for ourselves, and we definitely need to change it for the young people we’re guiding, mentoring, parenting. Let’s make the definition of success something like this:
* When you uncover your deep-down-inside bling and let it shine…
* When you respect yourself and others and fight for respect for all…
* When you feel connected to and equal to and care about everyone else on the planet…
* When you make your time here count in the way you were meant too—in a way that brings out your bliss (whatever that may be)…
* When you're also on your own timeline...
* When you feel happy to work hard at something you love or to support something you love...
* When you know how to make self-respecting decisions, appreciate your mind, body, and soul, and love Ms. (or Mr.) You…
* When you’re not afraid but empowered…

Sounds so perfect and quite the privilege! Operating from this flavor of POV, you can still put food on the table and survive and even succeed beyond your wildest dreams (which is what privilege-wielding parents really want for their kids, right?). You will know what it feels like to be really full and spilling over with yumminess to offer the world. But the difference is you won’t care if the Jones’ see you serving up your royal feast of a life on paper plates or fine china.

BRING OUT YOUR REAL BLING
Here are a few more quick nuggets to chew on:

Girls
• Think about what matters to you. No matter what life someone else is trying to carve out for you, keep trying new things and digging up your passions. Only you can really know how *you* want to spend your time on this planet. Only you can figure out what you have to offer (and you do have many amazing gifts and blessings to offer, trust me!).
• Get involved. Honestly, it feels good (and can pull you out of a slump) to contribute to your neighborhood, school, community, planet. Think about something you care about or that makes you mad. Then start to use all your fabulous powers, talents and gifts to make a change or make a difference. You’ll learn about yourself, feel less lonely, and start to see how awesome you are (and why we all need you to do your thing: you’re that important to the world!). It's important to feel connected to the world around you; to know you belong just because you're here (one love, girls!).
• Question everything. Do you think that some people deserve more than others or are better than everyone else? Why? Do you need to be rich and good-looking to matter? What do you think makes people feel truly valued and happy? What does it mean to “be somebody”? What kind of person do you want to be (hint: the answer should have nothing to do with your “lifestyle”)? What do you want out of life right now that you’re afraid to go after or even talk about?
• SEE RESPECT Part 1: Respect on the Inside.

Advocates
• Re-think success. Whether you’re a parent or mentor, think about how you can encourage young people to become who they are supposed to be. How can they be resourceful? How can they be more DIY? How can they measure their own success vs. always worrying about how they measure up to everyone else? A good place to start is to look at what you value about yourself and others. What do you think really matters in life? Are these standards filling you up or making you feel empty?
• Reveal the many options and that you don’t know all the answers. Life is not one-size-fits-all. Can you share your experience as one example of how to do this “life thing,” but also admit that your way is not the only way? Teens need to have their eyes opened to the possibilities in life, not be clamped down by having to follow some perfect plan for success (there is no such thing). Let them know it’s OK to make mistakes. That’s how we learn. Offer them tips on how to bounce back after a painful mistake and take responsibility and set new boundaries (this is where your guidance and support is SO needed).
• Show them how to earn a really charmed life. How do you get real privileges in life? You earn them. Show teens ways to earn their way through life, how to open doors, how to make choices that show they respect themselves and others, how to deal with rejection, how to celebrate and use their gifts (and I don't mean birthday gifts!). Also show them the payoffs you feel when you care about and respect others as much as yourself. And invest in the real you. Are you hung up trying to make your life seem perfect or on par with your peers from the outside looking in? Do you only feel like you matter when your body or lifestyle is a certain way? Do you feel like your true self is not showing up and running the show? Question everything. How can you lay down values or habits that don't make you feel respect on the inside?
• Drop the judgments. Judgment (of ourself and others) can be at the root of why we over-shop, gossip, try to one-up others, or obsess about our weight or posessions--we often are trying to fill the voids that we feel when we aren't "as good" as others. Judgments are what make us mean:) Judgments are what make us rigid in our views of what a really awesome life looks and feels like. Judgment can also be how we try to establish that we're different or special (but you already are special, trust me!). I totally struggle with this one too. I sometimes "can't believe" what other people are doing. But the only way to sidestep the respect-busting competition and really connect with others is to let go of judgments about them. The less judgmental you are about others, the less you judge yourself and the easier it can be to just be you (And we need to model this for our girls!).
• Listen. Teens say the No. 1 way they feel respected is when people listen to them. So listen up about what they are struggling with—or even what’s missing. Like if a young person seems hopeless or has no concern for other people, what’s going on? Also, don’t provide advice 24/7. Instead ask them what they think they should do. Finally, start letting them drive. As in their own lives.

P.S. In addition to RESPECT, Free Spirit offers tons of other character-building books, which you can find here
and here.

Comments (0) | by Courtney on August 23

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My daughter is 10-years-old and is starting to encounter various forms of disrespect from girlfriends (i.e. not talking to her over something trivial, accusing her of something she did not do or making her move a bus seat on a field trip). She is a sweet girl and sensitive too. Some of these interactions lead to tears. How can she protect herself in these relationships, while keeping her sweet nature and self-esteem in check?

I love that you are so tuned into your daughter's true heart—and what's going on in her friendships. Now, here are 4 Friendship Respect Basics you can pass on to your daughter:

1. Be yourself. It takes courage to be yourself, but the risk is worth the reward. Encourage your daughter to stay true to herself and not shy away from what makes her unique, special, and a good friend. Her TRUE friends in life will want her to be herself, too. Ask: How do true friends treat each other? How can you be yourself around your friends?

2. Speak up. Even if you tend to be shy, the secret to great friendships and mutual respect is being able to speak up. And that means everyone can speak up about what feels right or wrong to them. So help your daughter practice setting boundaries. Go through common disrespect dilemmas she might be going through with friends, and have *her* think of what might be a respectful boundary to set. I work with teen girls every week and I find it's best to ask them open-ended questions like, "What would you say to your friend if she dis-invited you to a party?" And their answers (and boundaries) are so right on, like "I'd let her know that it hurt my feelings and ask what was going on. I'd tell her if we're going to stay close friends, we have to talk problems out, not just ignore each other." Ask: What would you do or say if friend did (fill in the blank)?

3. You get what you give. Talk to your daughter about what makes a good friend, how does she treat her friends to show them care and respect, and are there any cases in which she regretted how she treated a friend? Talk through these dilemmas, so she can explore how she is/will be a true friend to others. Her standards for how she'll treat people will help her expect the same in return. Ask: How can we show our friends we care about and respect them?

4. Find your peeps. I've found that girls who join leadership/empowerment/confidence-building after-school programs have stronger more respectful friendships. And the girls are stronger for it, too. Encourage your daughter to make friends outside of school or your neighborhood by joining a girl-focused org. This way she can practice forming strong bonds and friendship "rules" in a mentor-guided, nurturing environment (sometimes this sisterhood stuff falls in between the cracks at school). Ask: What are some activities you'd like to try after school for fun, to learn new stuff or to meet new friends?

>MORE INFO
RESPECT
Check out the Friendship chapter and our Sisterhood Pact on page 93.

Comments (0) | by Courtney on July 12

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My almost 10-year-old daughter and I have a very close relationship. Recently she and I have begun yelling. Or rather, I'm yelling and she's being obnoxious and sassy. She has to have the last word on everything. It's usually in response to me asking her to pick up her shoes or something similar. Today it was: "I'm sorry I'm not perfect...I'm not like you!" Ooooooo. Then I yell at her to "Just do it!" So, its not feeling respectful. Any suggestions?

It sounds to me like you have a very intelligent daughter who is doing her best to establish her independence now (vs. waiting for her teen years). Am I right? My mom could surely sympathize. When I was a girl, I also found my voice at an early age:). The trouble was, my comments/views/observations also came with a dash or two (or 200) of sass. So many times, when my mom and I were "talking" sparks would fly! (And, uh, this occured during my first jobs, too, because I hadn't learned how to control my sass-fire).

As a busy parent, I'm sure you feel like you don't have a lot of wiggle room each day. Like when you want your daughter to her chores, I'm guessing you pretty much need it done now (without the back-talk, please!).

The thing is, the No. 1 way that girls tell me they feel respected is when people listen to them. Is it possible your daughter is really vying to be listened to more closely? Like, maybe what she really wants is your attention, or to have her feelings and opinions validated? Does she feel like she can't negotiate with you? My mom used to say, "It's my way or the highway!" and I definatley took that as a challenge. Or, if a lot of your interactions center around "taking care of business," she could be using those openings to lash out a bit or to try to gain some power.

To get the respect flowing again, you (and your daughter) can try a couple of things:

1. ENCOURAGE HER TO OPEN UP. When you're not in the heat of the moment, remind her that you are there for her if she ever needs to talk about *anything.* Let her know that when she needs you, you will always be there to listen (and then do make the time/space to do that).

2. SHARE YOUR TRUE FEELINGS. Clear the air about some of your recent run-ins. Try letting her know how your arguments are making you feel. And try to apologize for any behavior/harsh words that you regret. Don't wallow in guilt that you're doing things "wrong." If your daughter is like most girls I meet, an apology goes a LONG way and she'll be forgiving. Let her know that sometimes you have to set boundaries for her to protect her. Also, let her know that how you will remain close is if you both work on talking to each with more respect (and that you're willing to work on it with her).

3. SET THE TONE. Next, ask her how she thinks you two can talk to each other with more respect. She'll have a lot of great ideas. Then come up with a Respect Pact by talking about: What is our definition of respect? How will we respect each other? What will we do if conversation starts to turn into a fight? How can we make requests of each other that are clear but respectful? (See page 72 of RESPECT for more ideas). She'll be more likely to follow "respect rules" that she's taken the lead to set. Sign and post your Respect Pact on the fridge. Check in each day/week to ask each other how it's going and what is working and what you both still need to work on.

4. HIT THE PAUSE BUTTON. When things start to heat up between you two, model respect by taking a deep breath and trying your best to keep your cool. Let her know that you're going to take a 1- to 5-minute break to collect your thoughts (to try to avoid the yelling spiral). This can seem time consuming, but getting in a fight is a time-suck, too. If the disagreement is about a big tough topic, consider taking a longer break. Maybe you can both go back to your rooms and write a letter about how you feel and what you want (you can include this tactic in your Respect Pact).

5. TAKE INVENTORY. Another helpful exercise is to look at your communication style in all of your relationships. What's working? What's not? What needs to change? If you find areas where improvement is needed, take steps to add more respect to all your relationships (and share with your daughter why you did this and how it's making your life better). The good news is, you're her No. 1 role model across the board—including when it comes to speaking up and listening with respect.

No matter what, keep trying to build more mutual respect because you and your daughter deserve it. My mom and I are still working on it—she's still learning that she's not the boss of me and I'm still learning that sighs and eye-rolls aren't a legit form of communication!

Comments (1) | by Courtney on May 26

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The Girl Scouts of the USA asked 2,060 girls (along with 461 boys and 599 mothers) what they think it means to be "healthy." The New Normal? What Girls Say about Healthy Living, starts with the statement that "child and adolescent obesity and weight control are among today’s top public health concerns." The study aims to find out girls' attitudes about health and body image to gain some insight into obesity statistics and assumptions.

For most of us, the study's findings are not exactly shocking. Still, it's yet more confirmation that as girls and woman we are still measuring ourselves based on (surprise!) our appearance. So we have a choice to make: Are we willing to do what it takes to start weighing ourselves (and others) based on our *real* substance—as in our minds, hearts, souls—instead?

Here's a recap of some of the study's findings, along with a little body Rx we can all swallow:

• For most girls, being healthy has more to do with appearing "normal" and feeling accepted than maintaining good diet and exercise habits.

• On one hand girls are told to be happy the way they are, and on the other hand, they are given the message that being "overweight" is unhealthy and unattractive.

• The more physically active girls are, the greater their self-esteem and the more satisfied they are with their weight, regardless of how much they weigh. Yet 40% of girls ages 11-17 say they do not play sports because they do not feel skilled or competent and 23% do not think their bodies look good.

• Girls’ view physical and emotional health as closely connected. For example, more than a third of girls ages 11–17 reported eating more when they are “stressed out” and overweight girls are more than twice as likely as girls who are not overweight to report eating more in times of stress. Because girls also tend to be more prone to stress and worry than boys, they are more susceptible to overeating.

• Meal skipping, particularly breakfast and lunch, is not uncommon among girls and occurs more frequently as they grow older. More than 60% of teenage girls skip breakfast at least once a week and nearly 20% skip it every day.

• A mother’s weight, body image, attitude, and health habits are strong indicators of whether her daughter is overweight, satisfied with her body, and physically active. Girls look to their mothers for advice on healthy living. A daughter’s dissatisfaction with her weight is greater if her mother is also dissatisfied with her own weight, in spite of how much a daughter actually weighs.

Rx: No matter where you are on the body image or weight scale, being the true you comes down to seeing your body as more than a billboard to get attention, acceptance, or love from other people. Let's all start here: Look at your body in terms of how it will help you serve your purpose in life and meet your goals. You only have one body to cart around that great brain and wise soul of yours, and that’s why treating your body with respect is a must:

1. Take care of you. It took me awhile to really believe this one: Your mind and body are one in the same. You can't love you and then hate your bod.

To really take care of you, you gotta take ownership of your body. It's your home. And this means you gotta listen to your body. This is something we've been so programmed *not* to do even though it's totally natural, smart and respectful! So when you're tired: rest. When you're in pain: listen and investigate. When you're stressed: seek real calm (vs. numbing yourself). When you're restless: move. When you're at risk: protect yourself. When you're hungry: eat food that sustains and nurtures you. When you're thirsty: drink stuff that actually quenches your thirst. When you or someone else is hurting your body: get help. In other words, take care of your body out of love and respect (not to win any contests).

2. Be a body role model. When we're advocates for other girls and women, it rubs off on us in a really permanent way (the kinda tattoo you never want to get rid of). So to start loving your body, show other girls the love. Around younger girls, don't say you're fat, ugly or anything else downright mean about yourself. Change the world for the better by *not* talking the Language of Fat. Don't size each other up based on your size. Compliment a girl's character, choices, accomplishments and ideas (not just how cute she looks in pair of jeans). Make body choices that show your sisters that you *truly* love yourself (like not depriving yourself of what you need and making your health a priority). Don't be afraid to try new sports or activities, which also shows other girls that it's OK not to be perfect all the time (remember, being active boosts your self-respect either way).

Moms, if you want to transform your daughters' lives in a really amazing way: stop hating, abusing or putting down your body. They're watching and learning (just like we did!).

3. Go on a fast. As in a media fast. If there is one thing that can persuade the most self-respecting girl to slide into disrespecting her body, it's twisted advice and body ideals. And yes, sorry, we are influenced by what we watch and read (and hear from friends who are watching, reading, and listening to unhealthy media). So as much as I love celebrity gossip mags and MTV like the rest of you, ditch 'em for awhile. When you're no longer marinating your brain in a sea of size 0s, diet tips, or body-obsessed "role" models, you'll get some much-needed clarity. And this goes back to what the Girl Scouts study is all about: What does being healthy mean to girls? You need the space to be the real you—without interruption or outside pressure—to truly fund out.

More info >
RESPECT Chapter 2, Your Body: Find out how to make respectful body choices and 13 more ways to boost your body respect.
Help! Body image and health resources.
101 Ways to Help Your Daughter Love Her Body

Comments (0) | by Courtney on March 27

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The Boys & Girls Clubs of America released its Youth Report To America—a national survey of 46,000 young people ages 13 to 18. From the Iraq war to violence in schools to education and the pursuit of the "American Dream" the report is a revealing look at the hopes, dreams and concerns of teens.

One of the coolest things about this survey is that is was developed and conducted by teens—so the respondents were probably a tad bit more truthful. The nine-page report is loaded with interesting stats, here's what stood out for me:

• Only one in three teens polled (33%) believe that knowledge is a key to success—that seems low to me! Still, nearly 74% think college is necessary to meet their career goals.

• More than 57% of all respondents say their children will have more challenges than they have. I think every generation can feel this way, but feeling hopeless can lead to inaction. And that leads to the next point…

• When asked "What things can make life better for future generations?" almost 40% said finishing school (smart!). But only 22% said being involved in their communities and JUST 13% said pushing for equal opportunities for everyone.

We can't settle for this disconnect. We need to help all teens see the power of social change and how fighting for all people's rights is the same as standing for yourself (it's their world!). We can start by letting them know that they have rights. Read on for their views on racial harmony which do indicate a strong desire for equality for all.

• More than 1 in 3 youth stated that their relationship with their parents/guardians was most important to them. And 44% admitted that their guardians had more influence over their decisions than their friends (who came in second at 19%). Shocked? Don’t be. Even though teens are pushing for more independence, they tell me they still crave care (even from a distance) and boundaries (even if they don't always like 'em) from their parents. It's simple: It makes them feel safe. They're not totally ready to have the whole weight of the world on their shoulders…

• And the No. 1 way teens say their relationships with adults can be improved? Listening to one another!

When we wrote RESPECT every girl we interviewed said the same thing. And boy don't we all know it. If we all open our big fat ears, the respect will really start to flow. Instead of advising or telling each other what to do, we can all act like good reporters, instead. This means listening close to each other and asking powerful open-ended questions. Teens want to have their say—and they deserve it. Speaking up is a Respect Basic (so is listening up!).

• Speaking of listening, this whole section is worth a close read:

What is the biggest problem in your community?
Crime: 29.88%
Peer pressure: 25.74%
Teen pregnancy: 18.71%
Lack of jobs: 16.07%
Other (drugs, gangs, all of the above): 9.59%
(The teen girls I work with every week through Girls For A Change say the *exact* same thing. In fact, their social change project this year was tie between trying to keep their local middle school little sisters from getting into gangs vs. getting pregnant. After many heart-to-hearts, they decided to develop a teen pregnancy prevention program for girls ages 12 to 14!)

What causes teens the greatest stress?
Peer pressure/fitting in: 37.00%
School: 25.47%
Relationships: 19.24%
Violence: 11.35%
Other (school, money, all of the above): 6.94%

What is your greatest fear?
Going to war: 26.72%
Not graduating from high school: 25.69%
Losing a good friend: 19.46%
Not getting a job: 15.90%
Other (dying, losing loved one, God): 12.23%

What is the No. 1 problem facing teens in America?
Drugs/Alcohol: 39.69%
Lack of security/violence: 21.05%
Race relations: 15.96%
Poverty: 14.91%
Other (peer pressure, sex/teen pregnancy, all of the above): 8.38%

• Like generations before, they are worried about violence and race relations. They say ending racism and creating harmony among all people will reduce conflict, unite our country and strengthen communities.

• Here's my favorite. More than 69% feel that one of those responsibilities that Americans have is to vote. And when asked "What is your idea of the American dream?" Personal happiness won by a landslide at 41%.

Now they didn't say having a massive Super Sweet 16 party, iPods or being famous, OK? Young adults totally get it that deep down, having a mission in life and following your passions is the real deal. And living the dream starts with having respect on the inside, creating strong relationships, and spreading respect for all people. They spoke, let's listen. And lend our support.

Comments (0) | by Courtney on March 18

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Girls who have significant symptoms of depression as teens are 86% more likely than their peers to become victims of abuse from a boyfriend or husband as young women, according to a UC San Francisco study published in the March issue of the Archives of Pediatrics & Adolescent Medicine.

Rx: There are so many tough things we go through as teen girls that can lead to disrespect and abuse later in life. Now (no surprise) we can add teen depression to the list.

This is why Getting Help is a Respect Basic. Every girl needs to know how to ask for help whenever she needs it. And you need to know that when you get help you're respecting and standing for yourself (that there's nothing wrong with you). And when our friends, sisters and daughters don't ask for help, we need to trust our guts and reach out with open arms and open ears when they might need us most (like if they are sinking into deep depression).

The thing is, dating violence is already out of control in teen relationships: 57% of U.S. teens know friends who have experienced physical, sexual or verbal abuse in their BF/GF relationships. Abuse is the darkest form of disrespect and it derails young women's lives and potential. It's a world crisis that we can't ignore: 1 in 3 females worldwide have been abused in some way.

So when we add the risk factor that girls who are significantly depressed as teens are more vulnerable to abuse later on, it's time to step in and take action:

Dealing with depression. There are so many respect connections here. For example, girls who experiment with drugs, alcohol and sex are two to three times more likely to become depressed than those who don't (was totally true for me when I was teen). So first, let's focus on helping girls learn how to make choices that pass their gut checks and honor their boundaries (see RESPECT Chapters 1 & 2).

But not all depression is brought on by past choices or abuse—many teens are hit with clinical depression. So know the signs of depression. Also get help. Call you doctor or get help here, here or here if you or someone you know is depressed.

Know the cycle of abuse. Even if a girl isn't depressed, she could still be abused at some point (and if she wasn't depressed before, well now she will be). She might be berated and called names by her BF/GF. She might be slapped, hit, kicked or bitten by her BF/GF. She might be threatened with a knife or gun. She might be raped by someone she is dating or married to.

So one way to help any girl (including yourself) break the cycle is to know what to look for. Check out Love is Not Abuse or Break the Cycle to learn about the cycle of abuse, which goes something like this:
Tension builds and the abuser is verbally abusive ->
He explodes and beats up or rapes his girlfriend ->
He says he feels bad, is sorry or even buys his GF presents ->
She's afraid to leave or beaten down emotionally and stays ->
It starts all over again…

Spread respect. Let other girls or your daughters or other women know about the depression-abuse connection. Tell them about the cycle of abuse. Support them by letting them know their choices if they need help in any way. Listen real hard. (If you are forceful and bossy, they often feel attacked again—by you).

Mentor for or sign up for powerful after-school programs that boost girls self-respect (like these). Also, stay on top of the Violence Against Women Act (VAWA). It was just re-authorized by Congress is supposed to fund more dating violence prevention programs for teens as well as anti-stalking measures. But overall funding was slashed. So we need to keep asking for what we need, and we need laws like VAWA on our side. (That is, until person is safe from abuse.)

You can do it!
Here's a project you can take on today to create social change. You can order—for FREE—these helpline cards and hand them out to anyone and everyone. They're cute, small and can fit in your wallet (and they come in English and Spanish). Teens I mentor through Girls For A Change handed out more than 1,000 of these cards to guys and girls at in just a few weeks!

Comments (0) | by Courtney on March 9

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Are unsupervised teens more likely to have sex right after school?

Not exactly, says a new study by Indiana University School of Medicine Adolescent Medicine researchers. Teen girls reported they were twice as likely to have sex in the evenings as after school. That said, the study followed just 106 girls between the ages of 14 and 18.

Other research by the National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy shows that teens do in fact like to hook up when their parents are still at work. Around 30% said their first sexual experience occurred during school hours or between the hours of 3 p.m. and 5 p.m. Most have sex in their home or at a friend's house.

So, what's the respect connection? This is just another reason to reinvest in after-school programs. And another reason to keep revealing for kids the real benefits of getting the most out of school (i.e. not cutting class). Besides learning, I'm big on talking to girls about using school as space to learn how to: be in charge of themselves, negotiate, and set and achieve goals.

Teens who are involved in after-school programs are often too busy to get busy after school. And when girls are involved in activities that show them how to set and achieve goals, lead, build sisterhood, and increase their confidence, all those skills will come into play to when it comes to making self-respecting choices about sex (ah ha moment!).

Girls, check out Help! for some great respect-boosting after-school programs in your area.

Parents, tons of studies and a new book are proving that you do have a major influence over whether or not your kids will become sexually active at a young age or before they're ready. Need some help starting the conversation? Talk them about The 7 Questions.

Comments (0) | by Courtney on March 5

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This might feel impossible to believe sometimes, but when people have disrespected you—even in the worst way—you still have tons of power. Why? Because respect is always within reach because true respect starts on the inside. You also have the power to use the F-word.

As in, forgiveness.

Here's the deal: When someone is awful or abusive, many girls say that they stay angry—for a really long time (I've been there!). Some women say they are still angry about what happened to them 5, 10, 20 or 40 years ago. And that anger isn't hurting the person(s) who disrespected us. When you stay angry with people, you're the one who feels it and suffers—not them! And when you're PO'd all the time (even when it's totally justified) it can block you from meeting your potential because you feel like a victim or want revenge or just can't stop thinking about it.

But you don't want to let those people or events keep running your life or busting up your self-respect, right? No way. To break this cycle (which is like violence in your heart and mind), start by getting help. No matter what's happened, there are people who care about you, who can support you, and who can help you heal even the deepest wound.

Then when you're ready, consider forgiveness. Now forgiving doesn't mean forgetting or excusing or becoming friends again. To forgive means to let go of the anger (a.k.a. resentment) you're holding. For example, many victims of really terrible crimes (or family members of victims) say forgiveness helps them keep healing their pain everyday. Without forgiveness, they find it hard to even think about anything but the crime.

So how do you forgive?

Think about a time when you blew it and hurt someone or yourself. Unfortunately, it feels like I have millions of these examples: I was rude to my mom. I gossiped about someone and she found out. I was really mean to a girl in school. I was short with my sweetie. I called myself a name. I made the same "mistake" for the 100th time.

When you feel like you messed up, are you hard on yourself? Do you still think you're a jerk months and months later? Do you talk down to yourself? Or even worse, do you keep disrespecting yourself and others the same way you did when this whole so-angry-at-yourself torture started?

Now that you know all about The 7 Respect Basics and Your Rights, then you understand than when we disrespect ourselves and others it's because we're not feelin' the love (or respect)—from the inside and outside. Bouncing back from so-called mistakes, learning from them and forgiving yourself is a big part of being self-respecting. Forgiveness is also the secret ingredient to bringing about peace (in you, your home, your life and around the world).

So start by having compassion for yourself. You deserve it. When disrespect has taken over, think about what you learned, why you made certain choices, and what you want to do differently in the future. Apologize to you, and start to move on (because when we don't forgive we get so super stuck!).

When you've practiced forgiving yourself, then try it out on others. Let's say someone has been downright dirty to you, can you forgive? Think about what could be going down that would lead the person to acting so disrespectful or abusive. Like, is he being treated that way home? Does she hate herself or abuse herself? Has he/she been abused by someone else? Did he get pushed around for years and is now on the defensive? If it's not possible to drum up compassion, then try the next step...

Even if the person has acted like your worst enemy, think about what your anger is doing to you. You don’t have to forgive the person in person. (Hey, I don't want to see people who did bad stuff to me—especially if they're not sorry. I need my boundaries.). But you can forgive in your heart.

When it comes to using the F-word, just remember, you're in charge of you. Even when people don't forgive you, instead of feeling bad forever and ever, you can forgive them for not forgiving you (ha!). People say the truth will set you free? Well, so can forgiveness.

More Info >
Quotes on forgiveness | RESPECT Chapter 2: Learn From Mistakes

llustration by Catherine LePage © Free Spirit Publishing Inc. 2005

Comments (0) | by Courtney on February 2

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Find out five ways you can boost your daughter's self-respect in Quick & Simple magazine. Click here read my tips!. (Girls, check it out and get the scoop for yourself!)

Comments (0) | by Courtney on February 1

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RESPECT was written for girls, but the book can teach all teens (and adults) how to build mutual respect. Here's how to use the book in the classroom or workshops for teens:

1. Build Self-Respect
Use The 7 Respect Basics to show teens how respect is connected to everything—from their choices to how they feel about themselves to their future success.

2. Foster Mutual Respect
Help students set higher standards for how to give and get respect using the do's and don'ts in Chapter 1. Also, work with students to create respect pacts for their classrooms (see Chapters 6 and 11).

3. Encourage Healthy Choices
Mentor teens about how to make self-respecting choices that honor their values, gut instincts, and boundaries. Chapters 1 through 3 and 8 are perfect for class discussions on how the mind-body connection contributes to a teen’s overall success and sense of self-worth.

4. Teach Media Literacy
Have a class discussion about media myths and stereotypes that fuel disrespect and gender inequality. Use activities from the "Take Back the Media" section in Chapter 4.

5. Promote Equal Rights
Advance equality and self-respect starting with a discussion of "Your Rights" and "Inside the –isms" (see Chapter 1). "REtroSPECT" sidebars throughout the book are also handy civil rights summaries that are great for kick-starting broader discussions.

6. End Sexual Harassment and Bullying
Set the tone for mutual respect by discussing with students the effects sexual harassment and bullying. Inform students about your school’s anti-harassment policy. Chapter 11 offers steps students can take to report harassment and to promote a safe learning environment for all.

7. Raise Awareness About Abuse and Dating Violence
Use the clear definitions and examples of abuse in Chapter 9, to discuss the effects of abuse and how students can get help, report crimes, or support a friend. Also discuss the difference between disrespectful and healthy relationships as described in Chapters 5 and 7.

8. Sponsor Self-Defense
To decrease violence, bullying and abuse, help teens learn how to de-escalate situations, how to defend themselves, and how to get help. Share the tips and strategies in Chapter 10. Also use the evidence presented to lobby your school to teach self-defense techniques in P.E. class.

9. Inspire Political Action
Using Chapter 12, you can show teens how to take action to spread respect and become future leaders. Teachers can supplement government and history lesson plans with activities listed in "Make Your Voice Heard" such as how to write letters to lawmakers or start a campaign for change.

10. Advocate Getting Help
Referencing "Help!" sidebars throughout the book, you can encourage teens to get help when it comes to dating violence, eating disorders, abuse, harassment, or everyday dilemmas they're going through. Teach students how to find reliable support and resources using the "More Info" section (page 204) as a guide.

Print PDF version

To learn more about school workshops, go to >
Events + Workshops

llustration by Catherine LePage © Free Spirit Publishing Inc. 2005

Comments (0) | by Courtney on February 1

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Here's something I learned and live to tell you: Respect is your birthright! It's connected to everything from how you treat yourself, to the choices you make, to who you are and will become. And no matter what you're going through—like dealing with your feelings and body image, family, friends, BFs/GFs, and disrespect dilemmas like sexual harassment or abuse—respect is always the remedy. So how do you get the respect you deserve? It starts by knowing your rights.

You have a RIGHT to:

• Feel like you belong and are an equal

• Figure out what you need and take care of yourself

• Listen to your true feelings

• Speak your mind, change your mind, and question the world around you

• Be different from your family, your friends, and media ideals and images

• Feel and be safe

• Become independent

• Follow your passions and be the real you

Ready to claim your rights? Check out RESPECT to learn all about how getting respect—and fighting disrespect—can change your life forever (in a really good way).

Adapted from Respect: A Girl’s Guide to Getting Respect and Dealing When Your Line Is Crossed by Courtney Macavinta and Andrea Vander Pluym © 2005. Used with permission of Free Spirit Publishing Inc., Minneapolis, MN; 1-866-703-7322; www.freespirit.com. All rights reserved.Illustration by Catherine LePage © Free Spirit Publishing Inc. 2005

Comments (0) | by Courtney on January 31

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