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3 out of 4 girls say they feel pressure to be "super girls" according to Girls Inc.

Girls are feeling the pressure to be perfect on all sides (see the study here). They feel they need to have the PERFECT looks, bods, grades, friends, clothes, cars, accessories, gadgets, sweet 16 parties, BF/GFs, extracurriculars, proms, senior pics, college apps, and the perfect future. Many admit to me that their parents are the ones putting on this perfecto pressure. And BTW, this quest for perfection can cost some serious coin (but who pays?).

Well, I have a confession to make: I'm not perfect and I come from a long line of not-so-perfect people. My mom was a teen mom. My dad was a teen felon. Neither went to college or high school graduation for that matter. Yet, both are my role models for reasons too long to list here. I respect who they are at their cores. And they did "succeed" in my opinion. Both encouraged me to do *my* best, to find my own way and passions, and to leverage my strengths. They encouraged me to get a leg up in life through education (including college). But they didn't do it for me or show me how--and they couldn't really--because I was going into uncharted territory as far as they were concerned.

Primarily, my mom let me make mistakes because, honestly, she didn't have the time or capacity to hover over me. And she let me pay my own price and never covered up for me (to my annoyance most of the time). But when I succeeded I got to totally own that too. My dad has since passed on, but I know he'd be proud of my-not-so-perfect path to personal success. My mom shares in my success through bragging rights and the fact that she doesn't have to loan me money or solve my problems. I know how to keep the lights on in (in many respects).

I guess the point is, girls can succeed without doing everything perfect or by someone else's book. And shouldn't this be our highest ambition for them? They can value themselves based on more than if they get into the best college or have the best stuff or clear skin. But we have to model this for them. Girls can define their own measures of success--especially when we ask what *they* think. And we can start by questioning our own definitions of success as their role models.

In this month's issue of Daughters, I spoke with a woman whose mission and book I admire, Madeline Levine, author of the The Price of Privilege: How Parental Pressure and Material Advantage Are Creating a Generation of Disconnected and Unhappy Kids.

Check out our conversation about how girls and parents can redefine success and break the perfectionist trap for good! Here's an excerpt of my tips:

Spring the “perfect” trap
Having high standards for success can be exhausting, deprive us of fun, and alienate us from our kids. Instead of trying to “do it all perfectly,” try these tactics.

Break the mold. There’s an old saying: “Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?” There is no one “right” way to find success. You’re a unique person with custom-tailored dreams. Explore your passions, expand your horizons, work to your strengths—and encourage your daughter to do the same.

Let go. You can’t control everything—thank goodness! Focus on what you can change (your behavior, your outlook on life and how you care for yourself) and let go of trying to control everything around you, which usually makes you feel out of control anyway. And letting go applies to being overly critical, too. Let yourself (and your daughter) off the hook when it comes to being perfect. Make room for mistakes—remembering that they are the path to important life lessons, and discoveries.

Be real with friends. Nothing drives perfectionism like wanting to keep up with (or one-up) our friends. Instead, be real with your friends about who you are and what you want. Parenting is harder when we isolate ourselves. So spend time with your friends being yourself, talking through your difficulties, and supporting each other’s diverse versions of success.

Get help. When we’re trapped by perfection, it’s impossible to admit that we need help. Yet getting help is a self-respect basic. If you’re struggling, hurting, or feeling aimless, reach out for help. We all need support. Our daughters need to see that asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness, because we all need a helping hand to manage our lives and responsibilities.

Comments (0) | by Courtney on May 3

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