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My 13-year-old daugher is rude, mean and disrespectful to EVERYONE. She won't follow house rules and laughed off a class we took about family communication. She doesn't care about anyone else's feelings. I'm seriously at the point of wanting to disown her.

Rx: I can tell from your short note that you're frustrated and your daughter is probably angry. You both seem hurt. Even without knowing more details, I can offer you this: Don't give up on her. The world needs her to reach her potential (and the same goes for you).

Let's back up. No doubt, most teens are pulling away and asserting their independence. The problem for parents: Sometimes this comes off as straight-up rudeness or downright ugliness or all-out rebellion. (Oh, my mom could tell you some stories). Still, I have higher ambitions for your daughter and have seen teens be some of the most caring, giving humans on the planet. So we have room for growth here. Here are some next steps you can try to get on the path to mutual respect:

1. Get help
Getting help is a Respect Basic. It's great that you took a class together (even if she didn't go for it right away). Don't give up. Please seek out a family therapist in your area as well as someone your daughter can see on her own (many offer sliding scales). Your daughter sounds more than angst-y, she sounds angry. The question is: Why? If something has happened that's making her feel angry, she needs help asap. She needs a safe place to express herself and get support. Also, you need support. Do you have any unhealed wounds that you need to finally face so you can have the life you deserve and create respect in your family? Do you need help working through your anger at your daughter, too? Do you need more communication tools? A qualified family counselor can help you each work through your pain points, learn how to express anger in less damaging ways, learn how to take care of yourselves, and can help mediate so you can have conversations where you both feel heard and respected. Try the American Psychological Association, your family doctor or school guidance counselor for a referral.

2. Listen closely
It's tough that you're at the point of wanting to push your daughter away. But, please try to open up your heart to her again. Think of her as she was as a baby. She (as are you) is a loveable, amazing person. She's trying to find her voice and power. And though she seems to be doing it in a destructive way, one thing is clear: She needs you. She needs to feel your love. She needs to feel heard. She needs healthy boundaries. And she is still only 13—she is still a kid and she is still your responsibility. Think about what you've been through. Has anyone ever given up on you? What do you wish would have happened instead? Try to soften your walls if you can because she needs a soft place to fall right now. In fact, tell her you're not giving up on her because you love her and watch her face soften (even if it's microscopic) when you do. (See more speaking up tips here).

3. Make a pact
Obviously the communication is not respectful around your house these days. Without yelling or blowing up, start to cooperatively set the boundaries for how communication will go down in your house. Most important: set the tone and model respectful behavior for your daughter. Better yet start the conversation this way: ASK her how she wants to be treated, thinks she should treat others, and to come up with some family rules for respect that you can all discuss. This will boost her self-respect a bit and make her proud when you praise her ideas. Then really do discuss it and come up with some new standards together. Decide together what will happen when the Family Respect Pact is broken. Let her know you're going to work on improving too. It's probably not just her who needs to shape up, right? You should all be honest about how the disrespect has made you feel (say "I feel____when (this happens) and I want (state how things need to change)." Come to some agreements, but make clear that you are going to be a respect leader/role model in the house from now on and your boundaries are firm.

4. Trigger her passions
What does your daughter care about? What’s her secret talent? What does she love to do? What is she good at? Now is the time to explore her passions (or unearth them). Your daughter is drowning in negativity and she needs some positive feedback. And doing what you love—finding your bliss—helps respect grow on the inside. And that helps respect grow on the outside (as in respecting others more). Tap into her passions and tap into your praise for her. Even though you still aren't getting along well, can you start to spend time together doing new things that can build her confidence (and appreciation for your love and support)? Can she join an after-school program where she has no baggage and where she can start new, meet people, and build her skills and self-respect? Whatever she likes to do (or used to like to do) ENCOURAGE it with all you have.

I hope these ideas are a good start. Just remember: You and your daughter need each other—whether you can stand each other right now or not. And you are both worth endless investment on the self-respect front.

MORE INFO
RESPECT, Chapter 5: Family
http://www.coolcommunication.com

Comments (3) | by Courtney on October 16

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