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My almost 10-year-old daughter and I have a very close relationship. Recently she and I have begun yelling. Or rather, I'm yelling and she's being obnoxious and sassy. She has to have the last word on everything. It's usually in response to me asking her to pick up her shoes or something similar. Today it was: "I'm sorry I'm not perfect...I'm not like you!" Ooooooo. Then I yell at her to "Just do it!" So, its not feeling respectful. Any suggestions?

It sounds to me like you have a very intelligent daughter who is doing her best to establish her independence now (vs. waiting for her teen years). Am I right? My mom could surely sympathize. When I was a girl, I also found my voice at an early age:). The trouble was, my comments/views/observations also came with a dash or two (or 200) of sass. So many times, when my mom and I were "talking" sparks would fly! (And, uh, this occured during my first jobs, too, because I hadn't learned how to control my sass-fire).

As a busy parent, I'm sure you feel like you don't have a lot of wiggle room each day. Like when you want your daughter to her chores, I'm guessing you pretty much need it done now (without the back-talk, please!).

The thing is, the No. 1 way that girls tell me they feel respected is when people listen to them. Is it possible your daughter is really vying to be listened to more closely? Like, maybe what she really wants is your attention, or to have her feelings and opinions validated? Does she feel like she can't negotiate with you? My mom used to say, "It's my way or the highway!" and I definatley took that as a challenge. Or, if a lot of your interactions center around "taking care of business," she could be using those openings to lash out a bit or to try to gain some power.

To get the respect flowing again, you (and your daughter) can try a couple of things:

1. ENCOURAGE HER TO OPEN UP. When you're not in the heat of the moment, remind her that you are there for her if she ever needs to talk about *anything.* Let her know that when she needs you, you will always be there to listen (and then do make the time/space to do that).

2. SHARE YOUR TRUE FEELINGS. Clear the air about some of your recent run-ins. Try letting her know how your arguments are making you feel. And try to apologize for any behavior/harsh words that you regret. Don't wallow in guilt that you're doing things "wrong." If your daughter is like most girls I meet, an apology goes a LONG way and she'll be forgiving. Let her know that sometimes you have to set boundaries for her to protect her. Also, let her know that how you will remain close is if you both work on talking to each with more respect (and that you're willing to work on it with her).

3. SET THE TONE. Next, ask her how she thinks you two can talk to each other with more respect. She'll have a lot of great ideas. Then come up with a Respect Pact by talking about: What is our definition of respect? How will we respect each other? What will we do if conversation starts to turn into a fight? How can we make requests of each other that are clear but respectful? (See page 72 of RESPECT for more ideas). She'll be more likely to follow "respect rules" that she's taken the lead to set. Sign and post your Respect Pact on the fridge. Check in each day/week to ask each other how it's going and what is working and what you both still need to work on.

4. HIT THE PAUSE BUTTON. When things start to heat up between you two, model respect by taking a deep breath and trying your best to keep your cool. Let her know that you're going to take a 1- to 5-minute break to collect your thoughts (to try to avoid the yelling spiral). This can seem time consuming, but getting in a fight is a time-suck, too. If the disagreement is about a big tough topic, consider taking a longer break. Maybe you can both go back to your rooms and write a letter about how you feel and what you want (you can include this tactic in your Respect Pact).

5. TAKE INVENTORY. Another helpful exercise is to look at your communication style in all of your relationships. What's working? What's not? What needs to change? If you find areas where improvement is needed, take steps to add more respect to all your relationships (and share with your daughter why you did this and how it's making your life better). The good news is, you're her No. 1 role model across the board—including when it comes to speaking up and listening with respect.

No matter what, keep trying to build more mutual respect because you and your daughter deserve it. My mom and I are still working on it—she's still learning that she's not the boss of me and I'm still learning that sighs and eye-rolls aren't a legit form of communication!

Comments (1) | by Courtney on May 26

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