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Hey all! I'm Courtney Macavinta, co-author of the best-selling book for teen girls RESPECT and founder of Respect Rx, which is devoted to empowering girls, women and their advocates to boost self-respect, sisterhood and social change in their lives—and our world.
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Advocates, Friends + Sisterhood, Parents

My Daughter's Friends Are Disrespectful

Dilemma

My daughter is 10-years-old and is starting to encounter various forms of disrespect from girlfriends (i.e. not talking to her over something trivial, accusing her of something she did not do or making her move a bus seat on a field trip). She is a sweet girl and sensitive too. Some of these interactions lead to tears. How can she protect herself in these relationships, while keeping her sweet nature and self-esteem in check?

I love that you are so tuned into your daughter's true heart—and what's going on in her friendships. Now, here are 4 Friendship Respect Basics you can pass on to your daughter:

1. Be yourself. It takes courage to be yourself, but the risk is worth the reward. Encourage your daughter to stay true to herself and not shy away from what makes her unique, special, and a good friend. Her TRUE friends in life will want her to be herself, too. Ask: How do true friends treat each other? How can you be yourself around your friends?

2. Speak up. Even if you tend to be shy, the secret to great friendships and mutual respect is being able to speak up. And that means everyone can speak up about what feels right or wrong to them. So help your daughter practice setting boundaries. Go through common disrespect dilemmas she might be going through with friends, and have *her* think of what might be a respectful boundary to set. I work with teen girls every week and I find it's best to ask them open-ended questions like, "What would you say to your friend if she dis-invited you to a party?" And their answers (and boundaries) are so right on, like "I'd let her know that it hurt my feelings and ask what was going on. I'd tell her if we're going to stay close friends, we have to talk problems out, not just ignore each other." Ask: What would you do or say if friend did (fill in the blank)?

3. You get what you give. Talk to your daughter about what makes a good friend, how does she treat her friends to show them care and respect, and are there any cases in which she regretted how she treated a friend? Talk through these dilemmas, so she can explore how she is/will be a true friend to others. Her standards for how she'll treat people will help her expect the same in return. Ask: How can we show our friends we care about and respect them?

4. Find your peeps. I've found that girls who join leadership/empowerment/confidence-building after-school programs have stronger more respectful friendships. And the girls are stronger for it, too. Encourage your daughter to make friends outside of school or your neighborhood by joining a girl-focused org. This way she can practice forming strong bonds and friendship "rules" in a mentor-guided, nurturing environment (sometimes this sisterhood stuff falls in between the cracks at school). Ask: What are some activities you'd like to try after school for fun, to learn new stuff or to meet new friends?

>MORE INFO
RESPECT
Check out the Friendship chapter and our Sisterhood Pact on page 93.

 

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<< Previous: Take Action: Respect for All | Next:Does Teen Depression = Risky Sex? >>