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Here is the status quo:

• 1 in every 2 females worldwide has been abused during her lifetime.
• 50% of teens in serious relationships say they've gone against their beliefs to please their partner, including going further sexually than they wanted.
• 1 in 5 teens who’ve been in a serious relationship report being hit, slapped or pushed by a partner.
• 3 out of 10 teen girls become pregnant.
• 1 in 3 students drop out of high school.
• 4 in 10 teen boys have a criminal record.

We believe respect is the remedy. When teens’ self-respect—and respect for others—is going strong, anything is possible. They make healthier choices, create respectful relationships, achieve their goals and become leaders who spread respect for all. To make respect the new status quo, we created the Respect: Keep It Going! Kit. Advocates can use the Kit to partner with teens to lead a respect-building program for 6 to 18 weeks. 

During their “Respect Pod” sessions throughout the program, teens learn to:
• use the Respect Basics to build self-respect and make healthy choices
• value themselves
• follow their passions
• set boundaries and speak up
• listen to their gut and compassionately listen to others
• create relationships based on mutual respect
• get help dealing with disrespect dilemmas, such as peer pressure, dating and domestic violence, bullying, negative body image, the “-isms” and other tough issues
• lead social change to create a better world where all people are respected

The program builds on the themes and activities featured in our popular Respect Rally program, which we’ve led for thousands of teen girls and boys around the United States, as well as the award-winning book that I co-authored: RESPECT: A Girl’s Guide to Getting Respect & Dealing When Your Line Is Crossed (Free Spirit Publishing, 2005). After completing just four sessions of our program, teens report notable outcomes: 

• 98% of 500 teens surveyed understood the difference between respect and disrespect (up from 51% prior to the program)
• 90% of teens respected each other as equals (up from 65%)
• 82% felt equipped to make positive choices and act as role models (up from 42%)
• 94% said they feel more comfortable setting boundaries and speaking up (up from 70%)
• 81% said they will get help when they were disrespected or to achieve their goals (up from 42%)

Pod Sessions are:
• delivered during a 6- to 18-week program (your choice!)
• 60-minutes, experiential and include group discussion
• easily shortened, customized to fit within a wider youth development program and require minimal prep and supplies
• designed using the same activity template to create a consistent experience
• written to be led by teens, adults or co-lead

Also included in the Kit:
• evaluation templates and handouts
• membership to the Respect Connect social network, which includes training webinars, videos for Sessions, tips from other Kit users, a digital copy of the Kit and other resources

LOOK INSIDE!
Click here to view a PDF of the cover, introduction, table of contents, FAQ, session overview, sample session and back cover.

Rights & Permissions

ORDER
$225.00 USD (+ $10 for U.S. shipping)

To order by check, fill out this order form and send a check or money order to:
Respect Rx
1743 Park Avenue #429
San Jose, CA 95126
(415) 315-9707

International Orders
Please email us directly at kit@respectrx.com to place your order and receive a shipping quote.

TRAINING
You can register for tele-coaching or on-site training to help you implement the Kit at your site. To inquire about training and fees, contact us:  415.315.9707 • kit@respectrx.com

PRAISE!

"The Respect: Keep It Going! Kit is extraordinary in its ability to provide fun, low-risk exercises to explore some of the most challenging issues teens face. The lessons are easy to teach and they're full of heart. The Kit gets teens' attention right away. I am excited to work with this curriculum!” —Rachel Simmons, founder of he Girls Leadership Institute and author of Odd Girl Out

“Our faculty was trained to use the Respect: Keep It Going! Kit and we’ve have modified the lessons to use in a 6-week ‘Respect Mini-Series’ during our weekly homeroom meetings. We’re planning on implementing lessons in our homerooms every year as part of a school-wide goal to increase respect among our students.” —Amy Gose, guidance counselor, Blessed Trinity Catholic High School in Georgia

"As a result of the Respect Rx programs, many of the teens will be empowered to make changes that will help them develop into strong people who are confident, capable and self-reliant.”—Robert Lehr, Connecticut Association of Schools and Dove Self-Esteem Fund Partner

“Intuitive and organic, the activities were inspiring and incredibly impactful for the teens and adults alike.” —Leanne Gluck, program manager, Girl Scouts of the USA

"After the program, our students saw themselves as agents of change and developed ways to begin spreading respect locally and globally. If Respect Rallies happened at all schools across the nation, our world as a whole would definitely be impacted positively."
—Stephanie Payes, counselor, KIPP San Jose Collegiate

Product Details
Reading level: Young Adult
Paperback: 143 pages
Publisher: Respect Rx (January 1, 2010)
Language: English
Product Dimensions: 8.5 x 11.5 inches

Comments (0) | by Courtney on February 13

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Two new spots for your listening.

Body Image on HearSay with Cathy Lewis: My friend Courtney Martin is on the show too. I'm came on during the second half of the hour.

Teen & Parent leadership development on Voice America: Learn how you can support the growth of future leaders now by applying RESPECT Rx in today’s challenging environment at work and at home. Co-hosted by my lovely friend and best-selling author Cathy Greenburg.

Comments (0) | by Courtney on December 12

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A brutal fight among girls is caught on video and posted on Facebook. Meanwhile a teen boy is murdered in Chicago and President Obama responds.

If you're scratching your head in disgust about this level of violence among teens—and the online "bragging rights" that follow—good. Now is not the time to get desensitized. Or to give up hope. I work with teens around the country (guys and girls) and they are craving safe, respectful environments to thrive. And, yet, they can't help but notice the communities around them are riddled with violence. Many teens are marinating in violence and aggression and their actions reflect that.

What can we do? Creating a non-violent world is not an overnight process. But it is a process that can start on the inside. No matter your age, start now:

1. Learn the Respect Basics
The Basics are not just about mutual respect and ending violence. They are about our whole lives. From realizing you are worth something (Know You're Valuable) to doing what you love (Follow Your Passions) to reaching out for support when you need it (Get Help). Self-respect and investment is required to grow into a non-violent person who spreads respect for all. I've been there (domestic violence, teen violence). Recovery is possible.

2. Teach the Basics
Whether you are a teen advocate or teen, model the Basics now. You can even lead this free workshop to teach the Basics to others. Download the workshop.

3. Stand for Respect
Bystanders perpetrate violence—period. And when were in groups as teens, we can freeze and watch violence vs. stepping up. Trust Your Gut and be safe, but also Set A Boundary and Speak Up! (all Basics). When you see something going down, put down the video camera (you know this doesn't feel right) and Get Help.

4. Get Help
We commit violence because we feel powerless, want power, are angry and have been hurt in the past. When violence is committed against us, we feel powerless, want power, are angry and we are hurt. Whether you are the victim or the perpetrator, you need help. To become a non-violent leader, we must heal our wounds not pound our fists. It's hard. It takes time. But we are all worth it. Help & Resources.

5. Make Changes
Parents and advocates: Check in with yourself. How are you modeling respect? When are you violent yourself (with words or actions or self-talk)? What message from you are your teens marinating in right now? Get the help you need to build the respect in your heart and around you for the sake of the teens you are shaping. And lets all be honest about the violence our teens are swimming in (media, neighborhood, school).
We need to partner with them to create change. Ask them tonight:
• What kinds of violence are seeing around you?
• What causes violence?
• How does it impact you?
• What can we do to make a change together? (fyi, see Girls For A Change's new action kit for women)

Respect is a choice we have to make together. Lets do this!

xoxoCourt

Comments (0) | by Courtney on October 2

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The same week the story broke, tween idol Jamie Lynn Spears became a mom after a reportedly unplanned pregnancy. And according to The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy, recent data shows that the teen birth rate is on the rise for the first time in 15 years. Case in point: A recent study by the CDC found that condom use is down among teens and first-time sex for those under age 13 is on the rise and one in four teenage girls has a sexually transmitted disease.

Though there is now dispute about whether the Gloucester pact was real, with 17 girls pregnant at one school--and teen pregnancy on the rise in general--does it matter if there was a pact (my longer take on this here)? For parents, the question becomes: What do your teens know about teen pregnancy and how can you all play a role in prevention? Before you start in about the facts or your values about sex and pregnancy, try asking your teens what they think to truly get the conversation going. It also shows that you respect that they are young adults with their own ideas and values--and if they feel you aren't judging them it keeps the door open so they can come to you for advice and support.

Here are some talking points for parents (as featured on ABC's View From the Bay). And GIRLS, there's no rule that says you can't start the conversation with your parents, friends and, of course, anyone you're considering hooking up with in ANY way. Get yapping will ya?

Tip #1: Get informed
Explore web sites like The National Campaign and PPFA to learn the facts about teen pregnancy and to get tips and resources for parents. Sign up for their news alerts to stay on top of trends and hot topics that will be great conversation-starters with your girls.

Tip #2: Ask your teens what *they* think causes teen pregnancy (and the STDs that can come with unprotected sex, too)
These hot-button media stories are a great launching point to ask your sons and daughters what they know about pregnancy prevention. Ask them questions like: "What do you think led those 17 girls in Massachusetts or Jamie Lynn to get pregnant at young ages?" Don't settle for answers like "They were stupid idiots!" Ask them Juicy Questions to inspire them to dig deeper. And ask open-ended questions that encourage them to think about these issues for themselves and see their responsibility in making self-respecting choices. Ask them questions like:
* What are reasons you think people have unprotected sex or sex at a young age?
* What could have prevented those pregnancies?
* What are the downsides of teen or unplanned pregnancy?
* If someone plans to get pregnant at a young age, what do you think they're wanting?
* Who influences you and your friends' decisions around sex and pregnancy/STD prevention?
* In a relationship, who's responsible for taking steps to prevent pregnancy and STDs? Do you see any differences in how guys and girls are taught to prevent pregnancy and STDs?
* For you personally, what's the best way to prevent pregnancy and STDs?

Tip #3: Ask them about their goals and how you can help
Most teen parents face numerous extra challenges. They have lower completion rates of high school or struggle to make ends meet long-term or many girls end up being single parents. According to The National Campaign: "Simply put, if more children in this country were born to parents who are ready and able to care for them, we would see a significant reduction in a host of social problems in the United States, from school failure and crime to child abuse and neglect."

One teen pregnancy prevention tact is to support your teens in designing a future they choose versus one they fall into by accident. Vision Board anyone? Ask them questions like:
* If you could have it your way, where do you see yourself in five years? What's your life like and what are you doing?
* What do you need to do to make this happen?
* What people or resources can help you reach your goals (including pregnancy/STD prevention)?
* How can I support you in making your goals happen? What advice or resources do you want from me?
* How can I make you feel more comfortable coming to me for help if you're struggling with a decision or make a mistake (which happens to everyone)?

Tip #4: Be honest
If you feel there are gaps in your teens' sex education, offer them info they need to make choices that keep them safe, healthy and on the track they want to be on. Be honest about what you've learned and wish you'd know when you were younger. Try not to be in denial: Almost half (48%) of high school teens say they have had sex. Teen pregnancy isn't the only issue. Unplanned pregnancy for 20-somethings is also an issue (Three-quarters of unplanned pregnancies—2.3 million—were to women 29 and younger.). So get them thinking about what they want, how they can make choices that support their goals, and how to include you as part of their trusted support network.

You don't have to ask all these questions at once! Ask when issues arise or you feel yourself getting fearful about what might happen to them. Empower them to start make choices based on what they really want in life vs. feeling powerless or aimless. In general when you start shifting from advising and telling to asking Juicy Questions, your relationship with your teens can stay open as they become self-sufficient adults.

Comments (0) | by Courtney on June 30

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National, state and local YRBS studies are conducted every two years among high school students throughout the United States. These surveys monitor health risk behaviors that lead to unintentional injuries and violence; tobacco, alcohol and other drug use; and sexual behaviors that can lead to unintended pregnancy or sexually transmitted diseases, including HIV infection. The surveys also monitor high school students’ dietary behaviors, physical inactivity, and the prevalence of obesity and asthma. More than 14,000 U.S. high school students participated in the 2007 National YRBS.

What did the CDC find after looking at the 2007 data? Today's high school students are less likely to engage in many health risk behaviors than high school students in the early 1990s. I'm glad to know that many teens are not taking a page from me and my friends' book (hi, class of 1992—glad we made it out alive!). In all seriousness, though, there are still some real rough spots. Especially when it comes to Latino youth, under-age-13 sex and condom use.

Interesting Finding #1: First-time teen sex is down among white and black teens. HIV/AIDS prevention education is up. But the survey also found an increase from 2005 to 2007 in the percentage of teens having sex before age 13. Among sexually active teens, 61.5% reported using a condom during their most recent intercourse, down from 62.8% in 2005 and 63% in 2003.

Rx: Sex isn't about will you or won't you. Come on! Teens deserve our respect and that means comprehensive sexual education including communication skills and how to use condoms and birth control and how to get tested for and prevent STDs and how to talk to some supportive adults before you jump into the hook-up pool.

GIRLS: A good start is The 7 Questions, then read everything here, then find a trusted adult to go over your options with...Here's a hint: Your mom. Planned Parenthood staff. I know, I know not everyone has a mom like my mom—she was a real straight shooter that one. Probably because she had a kid her junior year in high school. She gave us comprehensive sex ed. at home, in the car, at the dinner table, in front of the TV. I probably told my friends about The Pill and Waiting Til You're Ready and Boys Who Want to Get A Notch on Their Belt when I was 8. So I knew the facts. But with my self-respect on the fritz, I still needed to talk to my mom and reach out for support. I made a lot of mistakes because I didn't reach out. So think about it: Who can you turn to for a honest conversation or two or 500?

Interesting Finding #2:

Hispanic students remain at greater risk for certain health related behaviors and have not matched the progress made over time by black students and white students in reducing some sexual risk behaviors. Hispanic students were more likely than either black students or white students to attempt suicide, use cocaine, heroin or ecstasy, ride with a driver who had been drinking alcohol, or go 24 hours or more without eating in an effort to lose weight. Hispanic students were also more likely than both black students and white students to say they did not go to school on occasion because of safety concerns, were offered or sold illegal drugs on school property or drank alcohol on school property.

Rx: I'm Latina. Not that I need to say that for permission to speak. But look, I see this going on with the girls I work with and in my community and in my family. Of course, it's not the whole story and I don't have all the answers. But I will say this: We need more self-respect-building investment in our Latino youth. Like all teens I want to see Latinos having real opportunity to thrive (jobs, college, family planning, free speech, equal rights, a vision for their life and the ability to make it happen) vs. being left behind and disregarded (prison, unplanned teen pregnancy, restricted rights, gangs, profiling and families being destroyed by addiction, deportation, and the list goes on and on). This doesn't just happen in the Latino community, but this study does confirm that we are struggling big time.

Some action items for advocates (and girls)...

Partner with Latino youth to make changes: Organizations like Girls For A Change don't try to "fix" Latina girls, they ask them what needs fixing. The innovative ideas that girls share spark social change projects that the girls themselves lead and complete. So take GFC's lead and find a way to partner with teens to change the status quo! They have the ideas and you can provide the coaching and network to help them see it through. Along the way, their self-respect and vision for themselves grows. You'll grow too. We need to call ALL teens up to leadership. Especially those who are struggling and who fall under this study's concerning findings. They are invaluable assets. Please invite them to the problem-solving table.

Invest: Back organizations like Eastside Heroes. They are sending kids to college, feeding hard-working parents in need and giving hope and role models to lots of kids where I live. Just one man started this organization and is making a powerful impact. Also in California, teens can apply for the Chicano Latino Youth Leadership Program. Then there is the CCNMA, which gave me two scholarships that enabled me to transfer to San Francisco State University and ultimately become the first person in my family to graduate from college. I was just reminded of this and just sent them a check myself today (really, I just licked the stamp)! Or donate to another scholarship organization that enables kids who have NO resources to complete their education and become self-aware, visionary leaders in our society. College isn't the only way to break these cycles, but it's a darn good start.

Prevent teen pregnancy and STDs: I just met the National Campaign's Latino Initiative team in D.C. and they are working to prevent teen and unplanned pregnancy from a place of respect and care. Read the research, check out the recommendations and get involved. The National Campaign also published a guide, Emerging Answers 2007, that has research and findings about programs that reduce teen pregnancy and STDs. Please check out this guide to bring a program to your area or get linked to an effective one that's already opened shopped. For more on what we need to do about sex ed. see the Rx under Finding 1 above! There are more resources on StayTeen.org.

Listen and learn from gang and drug prevention task forces and organizations in your area: From my life experience, these issues go hand-in-hand with limiting the potential—and lifespan—of Latino youth. Every org is different and has a different tact. So find the one that matches your values. I'm sure we can all connect the dots to how this impacts us all and every family you'll ever meet if you dig deep enough.

Strengthen families: Latina teens are obviously a part of families. I was! We need to be holistic and compassionate with the whole family when we are trying to empower youth. Health care, child care, education, legal assistance, fair wages, drug and alcohol recovery, safety, respect, inclusion in the political system. The list goes and on and on. For starters, look at what is going on in your community to help people living below or barely above the poverty line. Get involved. Get to know your neighbors zip-code wide. My heart always bubbles over when people in my neighborhood get behind a family in need. Our hood is like a United Nations that includes real people too. Yes we have Congresswoman and we also have advocates like me, single moms, day laborers, new immigrants, fifth-generation and beyond, college students, clergy, CEOs—you name it. When s*** hits the fan over here, the neighborhood mobilizes. And along the way another group of neighbors plants flowers and plans BBQs for the whole area. So honor your values. If you're like me, they include viewing all people as equals and as your extended family members. When someone needs extra support, you throw your weight their way.

Latino youth—and all teens—need this now. So let's show them we value them.

Comments (0) | by Courtney on June 16

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Along with our fabulous Respect Rx Groups that are just for girls, may we also suggest: the RESPECT Book Club.

RESPECT Book Clubs are casual, fun and a place to be real with each other and share feelings and issues about self-respect, relationships and making healthy choices. You can create the club just for moms and daughters, girls and their big sisters or woman mentors, or you can modify the format and create a special dads and daughters version!

Some suggestions for getting started:

Step No. 1: Set up your book club. Before your first meeting, you’ll want to:

• Select an appropriate venue for the book club (library, members’ houses, school, etc).

• Recruit a dedicated group of mothers and daughters, for example.

• Pick a recurring date and time for the club to meet.

• Distribute information on how to get the book for those who haven’t already.

• Appoint a moderator to lead the first discussion. After that, rotate!

• Design a way to keep members informed about meeting details and reading assignments, such as an email group or a phone tree.

Step No. 2: Create a Respect Pact. In the spirit of the book, it’s important to set the tone for the group with a Respect Pact. You can design this pact in the group’s first meeting and read it at the beginning of every meeting as ritual. The pact can address:

• How you’ll show each other respect.

• How you’ll share responsibilities and organizational tasks.

• The way that daughters will support their mothers, and vice versa.

• The promise of privacy—what is said during book club meetings stays within the group (no post-club gossip!).

• What resources you’ll approve to be used in the meeting, such as trusted helplines or other books besides RESPECT when you're done reading it.

Step No. 3: Try the sample meeting format: Here’s one suggested way to set up each book club meeting:

• Form a circle with chairs or on the floor.

• Start things off by reading the Respect Pact (see above).

• Each week can focus on one of the 12 chapters in RESPECT. Come to the meeting having read the corresponding content for the week. You can also take turns reading sections of a chapter during the meeting.

• Start off with a discussion round, in which members can share how the content relates to their lives. If you’re reading the book during the meeting, have each person share after they’ve read. Make sure everyone has a chance to share and try to avoid giving advice if a personal issue comes up. Instead, remember that each girl and woman can figure out her own life. Listen, ask open-ended questions but don't try to fix each other.

• Engage the group in an activity, such as one directly from the book. You might do a group activity or a quiet journaling activity. Another option is to agree to do the journaling as an assignment for the next meeting.

• Close the meeting by reading Your Rights together.

xoxo

Comments (0) | by Courtney on June 5

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A new UC Santa Cruz study found that 90% of girls—that's 9 out of 10—report experiencing sexual harassment at least once.

After polling 600 girls between the ages of 12 and 18 from California and Georgia, the study found that sexual harassment was going down in the form of:

**receiving inappropriate and unwanted romantic attention, hearing demeaning gender-related comments
**being teased about appearance
**receiving unwanted physical contact
**being teased, bullied, or threatened with harm by a male

From what I'm told by the teen girls I meet all over the country, this rings all too true. And sadly, the numbers haven't improved from decade-old studies. That said, the total number of instances-per-girl was down according this study. What isn't clear to me is if the researchers looked at girl-on-girl or girl-on-boy harassment—girls, parents and teachers tell me this behavior is on the rise, too. And let's not neglect the fact that the sexualization of girls (and the rest of us) along with girl-bashing is a centerpiece of tons of media and so-called entertainment.

More from the study and tips for girls, parents and girl advocates:

"Sexism remains pervasive in the lives of adolescent girls," said Professor Campbell Leaper, who led the study. "Most girls have experienced all three types of sexism--sexual harassment, sexist comments about their academic abilities, and sexist comments about their athletic abilities."

The study also found that:
• 76 percent of girls said they had received discouraging comments about their abilities in sports.
• 52 percent said they'd received discouraging comments related to their abilities in science, math, or computers--three areas Leaper focused on because of the persistent gender gap in academics.

Leaper's study tries to identify the factors that predict whether girls will recognize their experiences as sexism. Recognizing when sexism occurs is a crucial first step toward overcoming discrimination, she says. “Otherwise, it is more likely that individuals attribute failure to their lack of ability rather than to the obstacles in their environment," adds Leaper.

I agree. Knowing how to call out sexism, objectification and harassment is the first step toward girls breaking through many unhealthy "girl culture" norms that harm girls and hold them back.

Here is a major point from the study:

Girls who had learned about feminism through the media or from people in their lives, including mothers and teachers, were more likely to recognize it than girls who had never heard about feminism. Also, girls who felt pressure from parents to conform to gender stereotypes perceived more sexism than other girls.

We can make an impact. Here are some tips for girls, parents and girl advocates:

Know your rights: We were inspired to write RESPECT in large part because of all the disrespectful stories were were hearing from girls about harassment and bullying. RESPECT Chapters 11 and 12 cover girls' rights, define harassment and inspire girls to create change.

Set boundaries: From gossip to back-stabbing to nasty sexual insults, we all need to work on our boundaries. Here's how to speak up, get help and report harassment. And here are more tips on dealing with "slut" rumors.

Flirting or Hurting? Not sure? Take the quiz to find out.

Spread respect. How does sexism, harassment or girl vs. girl gossip make you feel? Share your experiences with each other. Talk about how these forms of violence—and that's what they are—hurt girls, guys, parents and girl advocates alike. In what ways does this behavior hurt the perpetrators too? How can we make a change in our homes, schools and community? How do our media role models and favorite shows deal with harassment or perpetrate it? And how can we carry ourselves with more respect and respect for others to challenge this unhealthy norm? List 10 things you can do and do them!

Check out some of the amazing projects from Girls For A Change Girl Action Teams for more inspiration:

* The girls of Team 12 are taking a stand against sexual harassment in their community. They have produced a video that depicts several characters experiencing sexual harassment. They believe that by showing what people go through when they are sexually harassed, it will challenge people to rethink how they treat each other. The team also received Yahoo!’s “Purple Act of Kindness” award and were given video and editing equipment to complete their project. The team took a field trip to Yahoo! where a team of professionals taught them video production techniques. The final video will be shown at various schools around EPA and may be featured on Yahoo for Good’s website.

* The girls of Team 29 are also tired of seeing sexual harassment in their communities. They believe that sexual harassment can be reduced by educating people in their community of its detrimental effects. By performing a play and creating a slide show, they illustrated to their peers and community members that the issue affects everyone. They hope that doing this puts them one step closer to eliminating sexual harassment in their community.

* Girl Action Team 5 is fired up about starting a campaign that takes a stand against violence in their community. The team will teach girls about self-awareness and self-esteem--with the desired effect that girls stop being part of creating violence through gossiping and bullying and also stand up against violence in all forms. The team created and presented an original educational campaign that engages 7th and 8th grade girls. The curriculum includes discussions and activities on inner beauty, self-confidence, girl power and supporting beauty in others. They will tie in discussions on beauty and self-esteem and how these relate to violence in the community.

* The girls of Team 24 feel that expressing their personal experiences with sexual harassment will build awareness about the issue. They developed an article to be posted in the opinion section of local Milpitas newspapers describing personal experiences with sexual harassment at school. Their goal is to make people aware that this goes on in a “safe” town like Milpitas and happens to girls as young as 11-13. They are building a community of support which they will use in developing an anti-sexual harassment campaign next year.

Comments (0) | by Courtney on May 22

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In late April, we headed to Connecticut to lead the Connecticut Interscholastic Athletic Conference and Dove Campaign for Real Beauty Self-Esteem Week! Our mission: To inspire and empower the 1,600 girls who attended our Respect Rx assemblies to GET REAL, respect each other and focus on their passions versus outside packaging. And we were JUST as inspired by the truly phenomenal girls we met at seven schools in seven days! HEY GIRLS!!!xoxox

Our journey took us all over the Hartford area—from Southington to Naugatuck to Berlin to Cheshire. At each middle school and high school, we focused on what keeps us from being real and respecting ourselves? Then we got down to boosting our self-respect and supporting each other in getting more real. Girls got out of their seats, spoke up and showed each other that no one is alone when it comes to universal self-esteem issues. Many of us struggle with body image, not fitting in, perfectionism, drama with friends, tough family issues, negative habits and thoughts, addictions or abuse. So many girls came up to us after to get more support and share their own stories.

One of their fave parts was seeing the Dove film titled "Evolution," which exposes fakery in media by showing a model's transformation from her roll-out-of-bed self to a billboard beauty—all with the help of Photoshop finesse. Even if they'd seen it, the film sparked us all to think about: Then why do we still fall for this stuff?

The video definitely opened up an interesting dialogue with the girls about how media affects us. We also played a game that questions why do we instantly recognize the women from reality TV and celeb magazines versus social change agents like Wangari Maathai or Mayerly Sanchez?

After debunking some beauty myths, we focused on where we want to go. Do we want unrealistic ideals and drama to hold us back? Or do we want to be true to ourselves and follow our passions? Most girls say YES to owning their power! We led the girls through a 15-minute visualization where they got to meet their Future Self. In this activity, girls fast forward five years into the future to see how their Future Self lives. Girls met the woman they'll become. She was most often strong, educated, confident. They envisioned themselves as doctors, record producers, special ed teachers, architects, college students and so much more! It was truly breathtaking to see auditoriums filled with hundreds of girls deeply meditating with eyes closed and mentally designing their futures. (One school principal said in her 25 years of education she'd never heard the overhead lights buzzing in an assembly—thats how engaged the girls were!).

Their Future Self also told them a word to remember and here were some of the words they heard:
Love
Dedication
Smile
Persevere
Faith
Strong
Hope
Brave
It's OK

Many girls even HUGGED themselves when we said to hug their Future Selves:):):) It brings tears our eyes (we know we're cheesy, but seriously it was awesome!).

Even in one hour you (yes, you reader!) can reach a girl and together shift the world a bit. The week was truly one of the most rewarding weeks of our lives. From the girls and educators we met (those who work hard every day to empower teens) to the amazing dream team that made it all possible: Special thanks to Bob Lehr, Steph Ford, Bob Ford, and all the CIAC-CAS school officials who so generously donated their time, space, positive energy and dedication! Also big-time thanks to Ama A. and the Dove team. We can't wait for next year!

xoxoCourt&Jen

P.S. Adults and older teens: You can lead a Dove Real Beauty Workshop for Girls. Check out the free materials!

Comments (0) | by Courtney on May 17

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This isn't about bashing Miley, Blake, YouTube and company. Many girls love these media stars and the web, right? (And so do many of us!). That said, girls do need help learning to filter what's shaping them and girl culture. Here are some tips I shared on ABC's View From the Bay today to help you make the most of media "buzz" moments to learn more about your daughter and the media world she's living in:

Step No. 1: Get primed on girl culture
Never heard of Perez Hilton or The Hills? It might be time to tune in. Be aware of the media hype and sexy sensationalism that your daughters are marinating in everyday and everywhere. At the same time, know that girls are going to be exposed to media no matter what controls you put in place. The key is staying on top of their media "diet" by checking out the blogs, web sites, magazines, TV shows and films that girls—or their friends—are obsessed with so you are informed enough to have honest conversations with them about hot topics.

Step No. 2: Chat about hot topics
Parents can use media buzz moments like the Miley Cyrus photo controversy to have honest conversations with their daughters about their celebrity role models and how they feel media is affecting them—or not. If you really want to know how media and advertising and online social networks are influencing your daughters, ask open, non-judgmental questions like:
• What did you think about the Miley Cyrus photos?
• If you were in her shoes, what would you have done?
• What do you think about the Gossip Girls ads?
• What do you like or not like about that show?
• What are some reasons you think girls would post fight videos on the web?
• Does this happen with your friends, too? How does it make you feel?
• How are you and your friends affected by what you see in the media?

Step No 3: Talk about the role of role models
One role parents can play is to help girls dig deeper when it comes to who they idealize. Again, don't judge their role models; just ask juicy questions, like: What do you love about (fill in the blank)?
• What about her to do you admire?
• Besides what she's famous for, what is she into or what does she do that you think is positive?
• What kinds of things do you think should make women and girls famous or admired?
• If every girl in the world were to look up to you as a role model, what would you want them to see about the real you?

Step No. 4: Try not to overreact or judge
Many girls not only love media and entertainment, but take it one step further by creating it indie-style and aspiring to work in this field in the future. So if you "put down" their media, they might dismiss and shut you down. So respect and know that they are often just as concerned about the hot button issues as parent are these days. Try not to get too frustrated about "kids today" or focused on completely locking down their media access. Instead, keep asking powerful questions and listening to your daughter's point of view and ideas to make changes. She will feel more empowered, and you'll sleep better at night knowing that she is actively analyzing her world and learning about her likes and dislikes and wants to change.

Step No. 5: Empower your daughter to create change
Girls are not blindly going for every advertising trick and media stunt they see. If they could have it their way, what would they be promoting when it comes to TV, magazines and the web? If they are turned off or annoyed by what they see, ask them:
• What do you think causes (the problem they've identified)?
• What are some ideas you have to change this?
• What are some steps you and your friends could take to make a change?

Comments (0) | by Courtney on May 15

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• 92% of teen girls would like to change something about the way they look
• 86% of the approx. 10 million American girls and women who suffer from an eating disorder report the onset of their condition by age 20
• Just 2% of women think they’re beautiful
• More than 50% of women between ages 18-25 would rather be run over by a truck than be “fat”

Girls and women: We don’t have to let unrealistic ideals diminish our power. We can get REAL instead.

Check out the Getting REAL workshops for girls, college women and moms. And join our Getting REAL new social network.
Colleges: Book this interactive presentation today in conjunction with your campus’ National Eating Disorders Awareness Week or V-Day programs in 2008.

Comments (0) | by Courtney on March 1

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Dr. Madeline Levine has been a practicing clinical psychologist in affluent Marin County for 25 years. Now she’s written a book about how some teens are coming up empty despite having tons of opportunities and resources—and the pricey goods to go with them. In The Price of Privilege: How Parental Pressure and Material Advantage Are Creating a Generation of Disconnected and Unhappy Kids, Levine writes about what’s she’s finding among so-called privileged youth:

When a bright, personable fifteen-year-old girl, from a loving and financially comfortable family, came into her office with the word empty carved into her left forearm, Levine was startled. This girl and her message seemed to embody a disturbing pattern Levine had been observing. Her teenage patients were bright, socially skilled, and loved by their affluent parents. But behind a veneer of achievement and charm, many of these teens suffered severe emotional problems. What was going on?

Numerous studies show that privileged adolescents are experiencing epidemic rates of depression, anxiety disorders, and substance abuse—rates that are higher than those of any other socioeconomic group of young people in this country. The various elements of a perfect storm—materialism, pressure to achieve, perfectionism, disconnection—are combining to create a crisis in America's culture of affluence.

This culture is as unmanageable for parents—mothers in particular—as it is for their children. While many privileged kids project confidence and know how to make a good impression, alarming numbers lack the basic foundation of psychological development: an authentic sense of self. Even parents often miss the signs of significant emotional problems in their "star" children.

I'm almost done with this read and have to say: Ms. Levine hits on something that I have seen and felt among young women, my peers, and, well, it seems like almost everyone. What happens when you don’t learn how to trust yourself, be resourceful and do your thing (whatever that may be)? What happens when you measure your worth based on what’s on the outside (looks, possessions, status, fitting in with—or being on top of—the crowd)? Levine’s main concern is that the privileged kids she studied aren’t becoming autonomous. They don’t know themselves at all. Worse: There is no "self" there to know. They also are consumed by materialism—valuing people and themselves based on what they have, not who they are deep down.

But what Levine is talking about is not just “poor little rich girl” stuff. Maybe you've felt it (are living it) too. I call them self-respect-busting MYTHS. Believing these myths often adds up to feeling broke on the self-respect front and can rob us of our true potential:

Your goal in life and efforts should be focused on getting the best, most expensive, magazine-mentioned stuff—from your handbag to your home to that five-star wedding bought on credit. It’s important to stand out in *these* ways.
+
You should fixate on remaining young and thin (ever so discretely).
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Success is scarce—you need to fight everyone for it. Or if someone else is successful, they stole your spot!
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To feel good is not only to look good but to (secretly) feel above other people (especially your “friends”).
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You need to keep up with the Jones’? Forget that. It’s about being first-to-market and miles ahead of the Jones’. The Jones’ can eat your dust (and be jealous of you while choking on said dust).
+
You have to strive to win big and collect impressive victories during every waking minute: Just won American Idol today? So, what’s next tomorrow?
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Not that you’d say it out loud, but you deserve better than others—or know better than others. You also feel entitled to what your parents have or to be able to buy your parents 5x over.
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Even when you get what you (think you) want, you should still want more, better, the best.
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To be somebody means to have all attention on you as if you’re walking down a 24/7 red carpet with bulbs flashing.
+
To be somebody really means everybody wants to be you.
=
Not Blinged-Out Life but The Big Empty (Doesn’t it?)

Rx: Believe me, I still struggle with some of these self-respect-busting myths. Like the occasional: You’re nobody till Oprah loves you (and invites you on her show). Honestly, though, we don’t have to operate this way. Having self-respect, feeling valuable (but not more so than others), and knowing that you have a mission in life (and having the resourcefulness to get on with it!) is a PRIVILEGE we should all enjoy.

Anyone who knows me knows that on paper I didn’t come from a life of traditional privilege. (i.e. Single mom who started out as a teen mom and worked her way up without a high school diploma; domestic violence and addictions under my roof; father who’d done serious time; knowing what “one paycheck from the street” meant before most kids start collecting an allowance. And no, I didn’t get an allowance.)

But I feel so privileged so to speak. Especially when I feel the pain the teens I connect with are going through (whether they’ve been given every opportunity or are struggling to survive). Why? Because my parents and older siblings made me feel loved and special because I was, well, just me (no additives, no upgrades, no pressure). My parents had no real plan laid out for me, or money to back up my plans when I made them (which I did resent sometimes—“it’s not fair!”).

However, many of the teens I’m meeting are living another extreme: They are either seemingly handed everything and their life plans or have no skills, internal resources, or healthy self-respect. OR they are getting little-to-no support, and though they might have a lot of heart they have no help in learning how to survive and find their own successes. Um, they all have cel phones.

All I can say is that I got some character-building basics from my family that served me well before we ever came up with the 7 Respect Basics. The lessons were: You’re responsible for you. You’re responsible for who you choose to hang with. Educate yourself so you can solve problems and have an impact. If you don’t know how to do something: ask. Treat people how you want to be treated—clean up your act when you don’t. Pitch in to help people when they’re down. You need to pay your bills and honor your commitments. So if you need money, make it, but don’t be greedy, self-centered or wasteful. Less is more. Speak out against injustice—always. Appreciate what you have. What counts most is being a good person. It’s your life. And my favorite: I never promised you a rose garden... All this with a healthy dose of boundaries (though not always, I had to learn to trust my gut and protect myself, too).

What I didn’t get: a credit card or a cookie-cutter formula for success. The result: Coming up with my own brand of success feels so much better (and achievable!). Thanks to this privileged guidance, I’ve found that when I really feel sparkly, gorgeous, and good it’s when I’m striving for something that’s hard to buy and requires no competitive edge: To be compassionate and helpful and non-harmful. To do what I know I should do. To follow my dreams. In fact, life is really booming when I’m not obsessing about what’s outside of the true me or competing to “get mine” (again: possessions, looks, status, being right, riches, rewards, notoriety). I’m not sure how this stacks up to living a life of traditional privilege, but I sure don’t feel like I’m living on Empty here.

After reading Levine’s book, it just confirms why I believe we need to change the expectations and marks of success. We need to change it for ourselves, and we definitely need to change it for the young people we’re guiding, mentoring, parenting. Let’s make the definition of success something like this:
* When you uncover your deep-down-inside bling and let it shine…
* When you respect yourself and others and fight for respect for all…
* When you feel connected to and equal to and care about everyone else on the planet…
* When you make your time here count in the way you were meant too—in a way that brings out your bliss (whatever that may be)…
* When you're also on your own timeline...
* When you feel happy to work hard at something you love or to support something you love...
* When you know how to make self-respecting decisions, appreciate your mind, body, and soul, and love Ms. (or Mr.) You…
* When you’re not afraid but empowered…

Sounds so perfect and quite the privilege! Operating from this flavor of POV, you can still put food on the table and survive and even succeed beyond your wildest dreams (which is what privilege-wielding parents really want for their kids, right?). You will know what it feels like to be really full and spilling over with yumminess to offer the world. But the difference is you won’t care if the Jones’ see you serving up your royal feast of a life on paper plates or fine china.

BRING OUT YOUR REAL BLING
Here are a few more quick nuggets to chew on:

Girls
• Think about what matters to you. No matter what life someone else is trying to carve out for you, keep trying new things and digging up your passions. Only you can really know how *you* want to spend your time on this planet. Only you can figure out what you have to offer (and you do have many amazing gifts and blessings to offer, trust me!).
• Get involved. Honestly, it feels good (and can pull you out of a slump) to contribute to your neighborhood, school, community, planet. Think about something you care about or that makes you mad. Then start to use all your fabulous powers, talents and gifts to make a change or make a difference. You’ll learn about yourself, feel less lonely, and start to see how awesome you are (and why we all need you to do your thing: you’re that important to the world!). It's important to feel connected to the world around you; to know you belong just because you're here (one love, girls!).
• Question everything. Do you think that some people deserve more than others or are better than everyone else? Why? Do you need to be rich and good-looking to matter? What do you think makes people feel truly valued and happy? What does it mean to “be somebody”? What kind of person do you want to be (hint: the answer should have nothing to do with your “lifestyle”)? What do you want out of life right now that you’re afraid to go after or even talk about?
• SEE RESPECT Part 1: Respect on the Inside.

Advocates
• Re-think success. Whether you’re a parent or mentor, think about how you can encourage young people to become who they are supposed to be. How can they be resourceful? How can they be more DIY? How can they measure their own success vs. always worrying about how they measure up to everyone else? A good place to start is to look at what you value about yourself and others. What do you think really matters in life? Are these standards filling you up or making you feel empty?
• Reveal the many options and that you don’t know all the answers. Life is not one-size-fits-all. Can you share your experience as one example of how to do this “life thing,” but also admit that your way is not the only way? Teens need to have their eyes opened to the possibilities in life, not be clamped down by having to follow some perfect plan for success (there is no such thing). Let them know it’s OK to make mistakes. That’s how we learn. Offer them tips on how to bounce back after a painful mistake and take responsibility and set new boundaries (this is where your guidance and support is SO needed).
• Show them how to earn a really charmed life. How do you get real privileges in life? You earn them. Show teens ways to earn their way through life, how to open doors, how to make choices that show they respect themselves and others, how to deal with rejection, how to celebrate and use their gifts (and I don't mean birthday gifts!). Also show them the payoffs you feel when you care about and respect others as much as yourself. And invest in the real you. Are you hung up trying to make your life seem perfect or on par with your peers from the outside looking in? Do you only feel like you matter when your body or lifestyle is a certain way? Do you feel like your true self is not showing up and running the show? Question everything. How can you lay down values or habits that don't make you feel respect on the inside?
• Drop the judgments. Judgment (of ourself and others) can be at the root of why we over-shop, gossip, try to one-up others, or obsess about our weight or posessions--we often are trying to fill the voids that we feel when we aren't "as good" as others. Judgments are what make us mean:) Judgments are what make us rigid in our views of what a really awesome life looks and feels like. Judgment can also be how we try to establish that we're different or special (but you already are special, trust me!). I totally struggle with this one too. I sometimes "can't believe" what other people are doing. But the only way to sidestep the respect-busting competition and really connect with others is to let go of judgments about them. The less judgmental you are about others, the less you judge yourself and the easier it can be to just be you (And we need to model this for our girls!).
• Listen. Teens say the No. 1 way they feel respected is when people listen to them. So listen up about what they are struggling with—or even what’s missing. Like if a young person seems hopeless or has no concern for other people, what’s going on? Also, don’t provide advice 24/7. Instead ask them what they think they should do. Finally, start letting them drive. As in their own lives.

P.S. In addition to RESPECT, Free Spirit offers tons of other character-building books, which you can find here
and here.

Comments (0) | by Courtney on August 23

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My daughter is 10-years-old and is starting to encounter various forms of disrespect from girlfriends (i.e. not talking to her over something trivial, accusing her of something she did not do or making her move a bus seat on a field trip). She is a sweet girl and sensitive too. Some of these interactions lead to tears. How can she protect herself in these relationships, while keeping her sweet nature and self-esteem in check?

I love that you are so tuned into your daughter's true heart—and what's going on in her friendships. Now, here are 4 Friendship Respect Basics you can pass on to your daughter:

1. Be yourself. It takes courage to be yourself, but the risk is worth the reward. Encourage your daughter to stay true to herself and not shy away from what makes her unique, special, and a good friend. Her TRUE friends in life will want her to be herself, too. Ask: How do true friends treat each other? How can you be yourself around your friends?

2. Speak up. Even if you tend to be shy, the secret to great friendships and mutual respect is being able to speak up. And that means everyone can speak up about what feels right or wrong to them. So help your daughter practice setting boundaries. Go through common disrespect dilemmas she might be going through with friends, and have *her* think of what might be a respectful boundary to set. I work with teen girls every week and I find it's best to ask them open-ended questions like, "What would you say to your friend if she dis-invited you to a party?" And their answers (and boundaries) are so right on, like "I'd let her know that it hurt my feelings and ask what was going on. I'd tell her if we're going to stay close friends, we have to talk problems out, not just ignore each other." Ask: What would you do or say if friend did (fill in the blank)?

3. You get what you give. Talk to your daughter about what makes a good friend, how does she treat her friends to show them care and respect, and are there any cases in which she regretted how she treated a friend? Talk through these dilemmas, so she can explore how she is/will be a true friend to others. Her standards for how she'll treat people will help her expect the same in return. Ask: How can we show our friends we care about and respect them?

4. Find your peeps. I've found that girls who join leadership/empowerment/confidence-building after-school programs have stronger more respectful friendships. And the girls are stronger for it, too. Encourage your daughter to make friends outside of school or your neighborhood by joining a girl-focused org. This way she can practice forming strong bonds and friendship "rules" in a mentor-guided, nurturing environment (sometimes this sisterhood stuff falls in between the cracks at school). Ask: What are some activities you'd like to try after school for fun, to learn new stuff or to meet new friends?

>MORE INFO
RESPECT
Check out the Friendship chapter and our Sisterhood Pact on page 93.

Comments (0) | by Courtney on July 12

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My almost 10-year-old daughter and I have a very close relationship. Recently she and I have begun yelling. Or rather, I'm yelling and she's being obnoxious and sassy. She has to have the last word on everything. It's usually in response to me asking her to pick up her shoes or something similar. Today it was: "I'm sorry I'm not perfect...I'm not like you!" Ooooooo. Then I yell at her to "Just do it!" So, its not feeling respectful. Any suggestions?

It sounds to me like you have a very intelligent daughter who is doing her best to establish her independence now (vs. waiting for her teen years). Am I right? My mom could surely sympathize. When I was a girl, I also found my voice at an early age:). The trouble was, my comments/views/observations also came with a dash or two (or 200) of sass. So many times, when my mom and I were "talking" sparks would fly! (And, uh, this occured during my first jobs, too, because I hadn't learned how to control my sass-fire).

As a busy parent, I'm sure you feel like you don't have a lot of wiggle room each day. Like when you want your daughter to her chores, I'm guessing you pretty much need it done now (without the back-talk, please!).

The thing is, the No. 1 way that girls tell me they feel respected is when people listen to them. Is it possible your daughter is really vying to be listened to more closely? Like, maybe what she really wants is your attention, or to have her feelings and opinions validated? Does she feel like she can't negotiate with you? My mom used to say, "It's my way or the highway!" and I definatley took that as a challenge. Or, if a lot of your interactions center around "taking care of business," she could be using those openings to lash out a bit or to try to gain some power.

To get the respect flowing again, you (and your daughter) can try a couple of things:

1. ENCOURAGE HER TO OPEN UP. When you're not in the heat of the moment, remind her that you are there for her if she ever needs to talk about *anything.* Let her know that when she needs you, you will always be there to listen (and then do make the time/space to do that).

2. SHARE YOUR TRUE FEELINGS. Clear the air about some of your recent run-ins. Try letting her know how your arguments are making you feel. And try to apologize for any behavior/harsh words that you regret. Don't wallow in guilt that you're doing things "wrong." If your daughter is like most girls I meet, an apology goes a LONG way and she'll be forgiving. Let her know that sometimes you have to set boundaries for her to protect her. Also, let her know that how you will remain close is if you both work on talking to each with more respect (and that you're willing to work on it with her).

3. SET THE TONE. Next, ask her how she thinks you two can talk to each other with more respect. She'll have a lot of great ideas. Then come up with a Respect Pact by talking about: What is our definition of respect? How will we respect each other? What will we do if conversation starts to turn into a fight? How can we make requests of each other that are clear but respectful? (See page 72 of RESPECT for more ideas). She'll be more likely to follow "respect rules" that she's taken the lead to set. Sign and post your Respect Pact on the fridge. Check in each day/week to ask each other how it's going and what is working and what you both still need to work on.

4. HIT THE PAUSE BUTTON. When things start to heat up between you two, model respect by taking a deep breath and trying your best to keep your cool. Let her know that you're going to take a 1- to 5-minute break to collect your thoughts (to try to avoid the yelling spiral). This can seem time consuming, but getting in a fight is a time-suck, too. If the disagreement is about a big tough topic, consider taking a longer break. Maybe you can both go back to your rooms and write a letter about how you feel and what you want (you can include this tactic in your Respect Pact).

5. TAKE INVENTORY. Another helpful exercise is to look at your communication style in all of your relationships. What's working? What's not? What needs to change? If you find areas where improvement is needed, take steps to add more respect to all your relationships (and share with your daughter why you did this and how it's making your life better). The good news is, you're her No. 1 role model across the board—including when it comes to speaking up and listening with respect.

No matter what, keep trying to build more mutual respect because you and your daughter deserve it. My mom and I are still working on it—she's still learning that she's not the boss of me and I'm still learning that sighs and eye-rolls aren't a legit form of communication!

Comments (1) | by Courtney on May 26

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Are unsupervised teens more likely to have sex right after school?

Not exactly, says a new study by Indiana University School of Medicine Adolescent Medicine researchers. Teen girls reported they were twice as likely to have sex in the evenings as after school. That said, the study followed just 106 girls between the ages of 14 and 18.

Other research by the National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy shows that teens do in fact like to hook up when their parents are still at work. Around 30% said their first sexual experience occurred during school hours or between the hours of 3 p.m. and 5 p.m. Most have sex in their home or at a friend's house.

So, what's the respect connection? This is just another reason to reinvest in after-school programs. And another reason to keep revealing for kids the real benefits of getting the most out of school (i.e. not cutting class). Besides learning, I'm big on talking to girls about using school as space to learn how to: be in charge of themselves, negotiate, and set and achieve goals.

Teens who are involved in after-school programs are often too busy to get busy after school. And when girls are involved in activities that show them how to set and achieve goals, lead, build sisterhood, and increase their confidence, all those skills will come into play to when it comes to making self-respecting choices about sex (ah ha moment!).

Girls, check out Help! for some great respect-boosting after-school programs in your area.

Parents, tons of studies and a new book are proving that you do have a major influence over whether or not your kids will become sexually active at a young age or before they're ready. Need some help starting the conversation? Talk them about The 7 Questions.

Comments (0) | by Courtney on March 5

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Find out five ways you can boost your daughter's self-respect in Quick & Simple magazine. Click here read my tips!. (Girls, check it out and get the scoop for yourself!)

Comments (0) | by Courtney on February 1

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