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Respect Rx is a partner of National Eating Disorders Awareness Week.

FREE BODY RESPECT SESSION
You can download our facilitator's guide for the Body Session from our new Respect: Keep It Going! Kit. You can use the guide to lead teen girls or young women in a powerful respect-building session focused on their bodies. Fill out this form to download the session guide!

Comments (0) | by Courtney on January 21

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Oh, self-care. For many of us that term means "me time." You know: spa days, a good book, bubble baths, yoga, and all that jazz. Self-care is often a list in a magazine of things to surround yourself with that tend to smell fruity or can come down to a swipe of a credit card at the mall.

Now, more than ever, self-care needs to mean so much more. Self-care is actually the ultimate form of self-respect. Maybe it can even save the world? Stay with me...

Because here's the thing I don't always want to admit: When my self-care sucks, my integrity wanes. I cancel on you at the last-minute. I show up half-hearted. I'm more cranky and close-minded. I don't pay attention. I make more messes. I'm not as helpful. That one really sucks because my No. 1 goal in life is to be of service. So self-care is really that important for me. Or I actually get really off track in life. And I want my partners (professional and romantic) to up their self-care too—otherwise everything suffers. We're not fooling anyone (and neither are you).

For me, honest self-care doesn't mean cramming in 50 minutes at the gym in which the whole time I'm thinking about what I'll make for dinner and that the engine light is on in my car and that she had some nerve. So if it's not just about bubble baths and hitting the gym, what does this "self-care" stuff mean?

One of the definitions of care is: "watchful attention." I love this definition. This is where I smell the world-changing potential of real self-care. To this end, I've broken self-care down into a totally scientific process I call S.T.O.P. Try it!

S is for savor...

I can talk fast, connect the dots fast, eat fast, and launch ideas and programs fast. There is nothing wrong with that. My impatience and speed can create positive change.

Savor, on the other hand, makes me think of gooey, homemade macaroni and cheese. Or breathing in salty sea air as the fog spritzes my face. Or lingering in a warm hug from my sweetie. Or letting it sink in when someone says something that really floors me at a Respect Rally (like an 11-year-old girl who said after a visualization that "her Future Self told her to respect herself today to reach her goals tomorrow." Mmmmm....)

Savor is a tantalizing way to say slow down. Do I really want to rush to the bank to check my balance anyway? Do I want to rush to another birthday? Do I want to learn all my lessons today and be bored out of mind for the next 50 years? No. Savor also means I notice that the other forces besides my bright ideas are at play in the universe. Hmmm.

Here's the even more challenging part, though. I'm even attempting to savor walking through my fires. Moving house, fixing busted pipes, using my resources wisely, finishing an intense training program, growing Respect Rx, dark moods, losing contracts, pitching new business, the ending of a 10-year relationship (i.e. divorce), paying taxes, conflicts in new relationships. Savor this stuff? It's worth a try. Because I want to learn my lessons real good to make room for new experiences. I also love that feeling when you look back and can say: I made it through. I was OK. I am OK.

What I've heard and learned: What you resist will just persist. I.e. you could get deadly heart disease eating tons of gooey, homemade macaroni and cheese you never even had the pleasure of tasting. Bummer.

For you:
• What do you want to savor right now?

T is for talk it out...

I wish someone would start Economy Anonymous or Freaked-Out Anonymous or Worst-Mood-Ever Anonymous. As someone who's greatly benefited from the world of "anons" I think we could all use safe spaces to talk stuff out as part of our self-care. And I don't mean just calling your BF and venting. Or supposed problem-solving with your partner at the end of a long day when you're maxed out.

I mean participating in a community where there is a "pact" about honest sharing and deep listening. Where you can say what you need to say; and hear what you need to hear. Whether it be your church, a conference call you set up with friends each week around a theme (my friends and I did this around money), or a support group that has a facilitator or counselor on hand. It's about leaning into others and being leaned on.

For you:
• What would make you feel less alone right now?
• What step will you take to create that support?

O is for opt-out...

This one is simple. Self-care means setting boundaries. Creating a little space around you. Freeing up time to do some "resentment-prevention" work (for me this is where bubble baths, reading, sleep, and running do come in). My sweetie offers this test: If you look at your cat and think he has the best life ever and you would sell your soul to trade places with him, it's time for more self-care of the opting-out flavor. You can also opt-out of "shoulds" that hound you or beliefs that aren't working for you anymore. Whatever it takes to take better care of you.

For you:
• What do you want to opt out of right now?

P is for pause...

When I'm about to intentionally hurl myself down some stairs (or push you down them!), whoa, it's time to pause. Hot-faced irritation and generally hating on myself or others to excess means I need to pause:). I'm a proponent of spreading respect after all—my rep is on the line here! That feeling that I don't want to do my beautiful, fulfilling work because it is feeling like too much "work" means I need to pause. Pausing could be simply asking myself: What do I need right now? Water? To pee? Oxygen anyone?

Pause doesn't mean to retire or not care. It means be where you're at. Or let some stuff marinate before you make the next move. Celebrate for goodness sake. Maybe you need to pause to shine your flashlight on an area of your life that needs more of that watchful attention. After I do a lot of fun, empowering work with people, I've learned to pause. The Google Calendar needs to be color-block free. Then I can resume regular programming with some presence. Savor and Pause are obviously good friends.

Most often, I need to pause before I attempt to go fast again. Because I like going fast. That's me. Fulfillment can't wait! So that's why for me P is for pause because I don't want to reach for another P instead—like Pull the Plug.

For you:
• Where do you need to pause?

Self-care has grown up for me. Bubble baths are nice, but too many dry out my skin:) or they are pointless if I'm just soaking in my worries. Self-care now means self-respect. And it requires daily recommitment. And some days I fail miserably. And that's just another time to S.T.O.P.

When I'm paying "watchful attention," it means I show myself through my actions that I'm a valuable resource. It means I have a healthy respect for what can really be accomplished in a day by this imperfect human being. At its simplest, self-care to me now means that I truly see, smell, chew, taste and give gratitude for my plate of gooey, homemade macaroni and cheese. And life.

For you:
• What would our world gain if you STOPped to take real care of you?
• And how would your world change?

Comments (2) | by Courtney on January 1

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Two new spots for your listening.

Body Image on HearSay with Cathy Lewis: My friend Courtney Martin is on the show too. I'm came on during the second half of the hour.

Teen & Parent leadership development on Voice America: Learn how you can support the growth of future leaders now by applying RESPECT Rx in today’s challenging environment at work and at home. Co-hosted by my lovely friend and best-selling author Cathy Greenburg.

Comments (0) | by Courtney on December 12

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Respect Rx friend and amazing inspiration Sejal Hathi is embodying her mission of "Girls Helping Girls" by giving away three $500 scholarships! Geared at girls 11 to 19 years old, the scholarships are being given away as part of the "Mirror, Mirror" art contest designed to empower girls to redefine real beauty. To enter, girls must submit a visual, written, or video piece that answers the question: "Who is the most beautiful woman to you?" Entries must be in by May 13! For more information, visit: www.sisters4peace.net/blog/sejal/win-college-scholarship-entering-our-art-contest

Comments (0) | by Courtney on April 30

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After facilitating the uniquely ME! Leadership Institute in Atlanta this summer, I had the honor of co-creating with Girl Scouts USA the uniquely ME! program Guide for Facilitators. I wrote the program for high school girls.

Girl Scouts of the USA and the Dove® Self-Esteem Fund collaborated to create uniquely ME!, a program designed to foster self-esteem in girls ages 8-17. The Guide has been created for volunteers and staff in a variety of settings as well as school personnel and other adults interested in facilitating uniquely ME! sessions.

The high school program includes four workshop sessions:
the real you
mind over media
dare to shine
my relationships, myself

You can download the sessions for FREE and use them to lead a program for any teen girls by going to the uniquely ME! web site and clicking the above icon.

Comments (0) | by Courtney on December 10

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Advocate: Claire Mysko, author and co-founder of Inside Beauty
Websites: Inside Beauty, ClaireMysko.com
About: Claire’s outreach program, Inside Beauty, gives girls and women a reality check on the messages they receive from the media and their peers. She works with model and recovered bulimic Magali Amadei to speak at schools and conferences about eating disorder prevention and media literacy. Claire is also the author of You’re Amazing! A No Pressure Guide to Being Your Best Self. She lives in Brooklyn.

Respect Rx: What inspired you to get involved in girl advocacy?
Claire: I suffered with disordered eating for many years, starting in middle school. My work in body image has a lot to do with wanting to use my own personal experience to do something positive. Middle school stands out in my mind as one of the most difficult and challenging times in my life and that’s also when I started my first diet. So I feel very closely connected to that age range. It’s been a wonderful opportunity to write a book targeted at teens and tweens because I think girls need a lot of support at that time.

What strikes you as the most pressing issue facing girls today?
One of the common issues with body image and disordered eating is perfectionism, and my book is about empowering girls to feel good about who they are. With disordered eating, there are many different factors—media influence, family influence, peer pressure to be thin, and research shows there are some biological components as well. So I don’t think we can say one particular thing causes eating disorders. The solution has to be a holistic approach. There’s so much pressure on girls to be perfect, and a big part of that is tied up with how they feel about their looks. Girls need to have strong support systems, to be able to reach out to the caring adults in their lives, and to approach media messages with a critical eye.

A lot of girls feel that they will be happier if they’re thinner or have the right look. They spend so much time and energy on it and sometimes put their physical health at risk. We have girls skipping meals on a regular basis. I use the term “disordered eating” because I hear many girls say they’re not anorexic—but their approach to food, weight and eating is not healthy. The quality of their lives is impacted by their obsession with food, weight and the desire to fit a physical mold. In magazines, anorexia is always attached to a picture of a very emaciated woman. Yet there are so many people who have problems and you would never know it by looking at them.

What advocacy accomplishment are you most proud of?
What’s most rewarding to me is to be able to hear girls’ experiences and talk to them one-on-one. I interviewed a lot of girls for the book, and being able to give them a forum to express themselves is so important. Once you put these issues on the table and say it’s OK to talk about them, it opens the doors for others and builds connections between girls. Girls find it very comforting to know they’re not alone.

If you could talk to yourself as a young girl, what would you say?
Give yourself a break more often. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You don’t have to be perfect all the time. In fact, that fear of making mistakes is so limiting. There’s such a value in taking healthy risks in life. As I got older, I learned that more. The fear of not being perfect can really rob you of some great experiences and exciting new adventures. You might mess up and you might not be the best at everything all the time, but you can have a lot of fun and learn a lot along the way.

Comments (1) | by Courtney on August 11

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In late April, we headed to Connecticut to lead the Connecticut Interscholastic Athletic Conference and Dove Campaign for Real Beauty Self-Esteem Week! Our mission: To inspire and empower the 1,600 girls who attended our Respect Rx assemblies to GET REAL, respect each other and focus on their passions versus outside packaging. And we were JUST as inspired by the truly phenomenal girls we met at seven schools in seven days! HEY GIRLS!!!xoxox

Our journey took us all over the Hartford area—from Southington to Naugatuck to Berlin to Cheshire. At each middle school and high school, we focused on what keeps us from being real and respecting ourselves? Then we got down to boosting our self-respect and supporting each other in getting more real. Girls got out of their seats, spoke up and showed each other that no one is alone when it comes to universal self-esteem issues. Many of us struggle with body image, not fitting in, perfectionism, drama with friends, tough family issues, negative habits and thoughts, addictions or abuse. So many girls came up to us after to get more support and share their own stories.

One of their fave parts was seeing the Dove film titled "Evolution," which exposes fakery in media by showing a model's transformation from her roll-out-of-bed self to a billboard beauty—all with the help of Photoshop finesse. Even if they'd seen it, the film sparked us all to think about: Then why do we still fall for this stuff?

The video definitely opened up an interesting dialogue with the girls about how media affects us. We also played a game that questions why do we instantly recognize the women from reality TV and celeb magazines versus social change agents like Wangari Maathai or Mayerly Sanchez?

After debunking some beauty myths, we focused on where we want to go. Do we want unrealistic ideals and drama to hold us back? Or do we want to be true to ourselves and follow our passions? Most girls say YES to owning their power! We led the girls through a 15-minute visualization where they got to meet their Future Self. In this activity, girls fast forward five years into the future to see how their Future Self lives. Girls met the woman they'll become. She was most often strong, educated, confident. They envisioned themselves as doctors, record producers, special ed teachers, architects, college students and so much more! It was truly breathtaking to see auditoriums filled with hundreds of girls deeply meditating with eyes closed and mentally designing their futures. (One school principal said in her 25 years of education she'd never heard the overhead lights buzzing in an assembly—thats how engaged the girls were!).

Their Future Self also told them a word to remember and here were some of the words they heard:
Love
Dedication
Smile
Persevere
Faith
Strong
Hope
Brave
It's OK

Many girls even HUGGED themselves when we said to hug their Future Selves:):):) It brings tears our eyes (we know we're cheesy, but seriously it was awesome!).

Even in one hour you (yes, you reader!) can reach a girl and together shift the world a bit. The week was truly one of the most rewarding weeks of our lives. From the girls and educators we met (those who work hard every day to empower teens) to the amazing dream team that made it all possible: Special thanks to Bob Lehr, Steph Ford, Bob Ford, and all the CIAC-CAS school officials who so generously donated their time, space, positive energy and dedication! Also big-time thanks to Ama A. and the Dove team. We can't wait for next year!

xoxoCourt&Jen

P.S. Adults and older teens: You can lead a Dove Real Beauty Workshop for Girls. Check out the free materials!

Comments (0) | by Courtney on May 17

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Why do so many of us hate on our bodies? Is it all the toxic media we digest or a mean comment someone made to us in 3rd grade (or just last week)? So many girls are at odds with their bodies and want to change something—or everything—about the way they look.

Still, your body is where you live—your home sweet home. Your body is here to support you being the real you and fulfilling your dreams. That's why respecting yourself means respecting your body. Try these body image boosters to help you appreciate your body and encourage healthy choices that work for you. Tips featured on uniquely ME!

Comments (0) | by Courtney on March 20

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My friend and body image expert Jess Weiner reminded me that Feb. 24 starts National Eating Disorders Awareness Week so I'm *finally* posting about one of my favorite books of 2007. Perfect Girls, Starving Daughters: The Frightening New Normalcy of Hating Your Body by Courtney E. Martin. This book is required reading for girls and those who care about girls and all the women who were girls once:). Here Courtney and I talk about the book and the "new normal" that we can work to change for girls and for ourselves:

Respect Rx: What can girl advocate or parents do—small or big things—to counteract the "new normal" of girls hating their bodies?
Courtney E. Martin: The most important thing that a girl advocate or parent can do is heal their relationships with their own bodies. So many adults, mothers in particular, become paralyzed trying to figure out the perfect thing to say to their daughters. In truth, the most powerful thing they can communicate is through their own modeling.

What can a girl do to change the tide when body hatred/diets/exercise/fat talk is ALL her friends talk about?
One of the most important lessons I learned in college was that I had to choose my friends just like I chose my classes. This means sometimes taking the embarrassing step of approaching a "friend crush" and telling her how amazing you think she is. Some of my closest friends were women that I did this with and I have never regretted it, no matter how dorky it seemed at the time. You don't have to hang out with toxic people, and most of the time, it is treacherously difficult to change them.

I loved your discussion of "spiritual hunger" and have seen this firsthand. In what ways can girls and women start to truly "fill up" to reach our potential?
I think women need to be still, give themselves time to reflect, read philosophy and spiritual texts, really take the space necessary to contemplate on the idea of "the good life." It is an age-old quest, but one that we have gotten further and further away from the more appearance and consumer focused we become and the faster we move.

In your mind, what could girls and women being doing instead with all the power and time we spend thinking about our bodies? In other words, what kind of impact could we have if this weren't often our main focus?
There's no doubt in my mind that if women harnessed all the energy they now put into their body projects and used it for good, the whole damn world would be changed forever. And perhaps even more important, women's quality of life would simply skyrocket. We deserve to live our best lives, and as long as we are body-focused, we will never be able to do that.

What is the one thing you do every day that supports you in NOT hating your body but appreciating yourself and fulfilling your mission?
I check in with my body and respect its wisdom. If I'm sitting at the computer too long and my back starts stiffening, I remember to honor that, get up, take a walk around the block or get a snack. Simply valuing my body's wisdom in a million little ways is the biggest revolution for me.

Buy the book here. And check out more resources and reads here. Break the perfect mold here. Get REAL here.

Comments (0) | by Courtney on February 20

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A couple of reads/views for girls and women that I've put out lately:

I've been writing about the Respect Basics for Girl Scouts of America's STUDIO 2B web site for teens:
Friendship Rx and Self-Respect 101

Also, check out my tips for girls, parents and women that were featured on ABC's View from the Bay this week:
Girls and Moms Under Pressure

Let me know what you think!
xoxoCourt

Comments (0) | by Courtney on November 9

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Check out this growing photo exhibit of REAL models. First look at the photo and then read the description. What you'll find is that what you see is not what you get. Who we REALly are is so much more powerful than what meets the eye. And when we are REAL, we are real powerful.

Want to be a part of this inspiring photo exhibit?
If so email your photo to:
getreal [at] respectrx [dot] com

Include:
Your first name, age

And complete this sentence in your email submission...
What you *can't* tell about the REAL me from this photo:

This exhibit is part of The Girl's Guide to Getting REAL Tour.

Comments (0) | by Courtney on June 7

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A Phoenix community college student, Kia Smith, founded the Miss CHAMPION pageant, which is all about girls building their self-confidence and recognizing their inner beauty. Forget makeup and fake tans, these 11- to 14-year-old girls participate in team-building exercises, talk about girl culture and share their personal struggles. Read more here...

Comments (0) | by Courtney on May 10

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It's May and this topic is popping up again! Should we reward girls' educational achievements with a nose or boob job? I think you know my answer on this one. And I feel the same way about giving a high school or college grad a new BMW (sorry, girls!). We need to support girls in LEARNING (and earning) how to gain the REAL goods in life: self-respect, living a passion-filled life, being self-sufficient, sisterhood, having healthy relationships, having their voices heard and true self-acceptance (to name a few of my ambitions for girls). Not convinced girls are being sucked into the plastic surgery trend? Think again. One celebrity glossie boasted the coverline "Surprise BOOB JOBS" this week and all the stars featured were under age 26.

Now I went through MAJOR changes from age 18-25 including: going from a C- high school student to a passion-driven honor-roll college student; getting my first real journalism jobs; paying my own big-city rent; going out with all different kinds of guys and then meeting the man who is my husband today; and losing a parent. If I had focused on permanently changing things about my body in order to "find" myself I'd still be lost. And BTW, I do regret the endless hours I did obsess about my butt and diets and so on.

So I think we owe it to girls to inspire them to dig deeper and get to know themselves and to carve out amazing lives (not their faces!) before they take this shortcut. Check out more of my thoughts on this topic here:

MSNBC
KIRO news in Seattle
Tips for parents and girls

Girls and parents: Want to help stop this madness? Bring the The Girl's Guide to Getting REAL Tour to your town!

Comments (0) | by Courtney on May 8

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Next week I'll be heading to Connecticut to present a self-esteem workshop for educators sponsored by Dove in cooperation with the Connecticut Interscholastic Athletic Conference.

The goal of the CIAC workshop is to empower educators with resources and tools (like the 7 Respect Basics) to help them support girls in building their self-esteem. While I'm in town, I'll also be doing an assembly for 275 freshman girls at nearby Southington High School.

I was introduced to Dove through its partner Girl Scouts. Together Dove and the Girls Scouts created the uniquely ME! self-esteem program (and I'm excited that I'll soon be writing articles for the uniquely ME! Web site). It's very inspiring to be a part of the Girl Scouts' and Dove's investment in girls and their role models. Check out Dove's film and the uniquely ME! program here. And if you haven't already, see Dove's new self-esteem spot featuring real girls (get your tissues ready!) which speaks to the heart of why I'm so devoted to empowering and valuing girls (and the girl in me.).

Check out Respect Rx workshops and programs here!

Comments (0) | by Courtney on April 19

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Did this headline make your heart flutter with hope? Did it make you want to rush to the bottom of this post so you’d find out the secret to happiness? Almost every celeb magazine on the stands in the past few months has run this coverline next to the “after” photos of closely watched stars: Janet Jackson, Britney Spears, the American Idols, and Jessica Simpson.

Celeb glossies aren’t even bothering to slap these canned articles with new headlines. Why should they? They all contain the same prescription—as in restrictive eating, body obsession and yogabosuboxalates exercise regimes—along with kudos to stars for dropping the weight. And nevermind going through the old motions of trying to shape these articles into so-called health stories. Does “How Jessica got THIN for her new man” sound “healthy” to you? Sometimes the stars themselves are not even interviewed for the articles. The magazine just anoints them newly skinny and super successful as a result.

These “celebrity wasting syndrome” stories are not the declarations of independence they claim to be. Rather, they’re proof of the largely mass-media induced Stockholm syndrome in which women and girls are loyal to the get-thin culture that enslaves and harms us. Sometimes we trust these body ideals and take them on as our own. Sometimes we use them to pour alcohol on our growing emotional wounds and deep-seeded feelings that we are not enough. And sometimes we use these celeb weight-loss cover stories as roadmaps to a (dangerous) way of life. At its worst, the THIN quest is passed from mom to daughter and can play out like this riveting documentary uncovers for some of the 5 million people in the U.S. who have *documented* eating disorders.

For me, the stroke of midnight this New Year’s Eve was finally NOT marked with the start of a white-knuckle diet of any sort (and it didn't begin with a thin-media hangover, either). For myself and girls everywhere, I've committed to something more: How to NOT live thin. And I even made it past January 1st.

Not that I don’t want more for myself this year. I want to: keep trusting my gut; remember that everything will be OK; get regular sleep, sunlight, walks, talks; laugh more and vacation more; read something more tantalizing than my bills; hang with my friends more (and remember important things like their b-days and their kids’ b-days); and connect with more mentors and role models.

Because the real me cares about more than how a woman (or myself) “got thin.” I want to know how she got filled up and sustained. I want to know how she honors herself—her true self. I want to know how girls are following their dreams and building new skills and changing their worlds (inside and out). I want to know how that wise woman I admire stopped trying to fit her square peg into a round hole.

And I want to devote my energies to more than spending another 5,840 hours this year racking my brain about how to lose weight, get fit, get noticed, get into that outfit and get love. Because honestly, isn’t that what this “How I Got Thin...” game is all about: Trying to fill the void of deep deprivation many of us feel? Maybe we feel deprived of: basic care * judgment-less living * intimacy * satisfaction at the end of each day that we are doing what we were born to do * the belief that we do matter * safety * the understanding that we are here for a reason * simple pleasures * R&R * joy * being heard...

The women and girls I talk with all the time seem to be mostly deprived (a little or a lot) of the unconditional, yummy love we all deserve—especially from ourselves. So here’s my pitch for girls and women everywhere: Don’t settle for binging on diet articles/content/programs this new year. Go ahead and deprive yourself of this misery. Instead, dig in and feed yourSELF. Live phat not thin. Not sure where to start nibbling? Here are the 3 ways I’m indulging my craving for richer self-respect:

Resolution No. 1: Asking for help
This has to be my favorite Respect Basic right now. You know that thing that is gnawing at you year-after-year or minute-by-minute? That thing that makes you want to bang your head against a wall, cry like a baby, or dig a hole to the center of the earth so you can hide until the next century? Now, if you want *it* to stop eating at you, put it on your plate. Pick something big and juicy—but not unless you’re willing to reach out for support or *it* could swallow you (or already has). Then call a friend. Call a helpline. Call your doctor. Call a therapist or counselor. Or do some Web research and then make that call. Go to a free support group or your place of worship. Just reach out.

Want to hear how I’m getting help for the crazy, invisible soul-eating bacteria that I couldn’t shake by sticking to a “diet” this new year (or ever!)? Right now I’m getting help dealing with having drug and alcohol addiction all around me since childhood. I thought I had it down—the tough-survival-mode-girl thing. Well it wasn’t workin’. And no amount of cupcakes (surprisingly) or control (calorie deprivation; over-achievement; strategic thinking) could make me feel better (or safer).

I’m also getting continued support around what the experts call self-care (i.e. how to be a good mommy to myself). Like, learning to stop typing at noon and eat lunch and get a drink of water and go to the bathroom and stretch and look out the window to daydream for geezuz sake. This might be a nicer thing to do for myself than wait until 8 p.m. to eat my first-ish meal of the day while half-passed out on the couch with razor blades stabbing my lower back and temporary blindness from not leaving my desk for 15 hours. Or it might be good to find helpful ways to feel my feelings, deal with stress and calm myself that don’t involve clawing at a bag of something crunchy (or pushing someone down a flight of stairs). It's all about baby steps. The motto I've learned is: "first things first." So before I conquer the world each day, I'm trying to do two things: eat breakfast and have some quiet time (for breathing, reading, being still).

I also invested in getting some coaching around pursuing some gigantic-feeling goals and taking steps to let my heartfelt passions truly be my guide (including inspiring and connecting with more teen girls and women than ever before!). One last thing: my relationship with money. I’m working on changing my mind about money. Money brings up feelings of scarcity for me. Not because I don’t have enough, but because no matter how much I have, I’m still afraid of $ and using it. On money: I’m reading The Soul of Money and plan to read this and I'm getting some professional advice for the first time.

WHEW. That's a lot of help-getting! So to chime in 2007, here’s how I’m “shapping up." Goodbye, empty diets and body makeover plans (BORING!). Hello, getting much-needed support so I get on with the business of being the real, fulfilled me (BLISS!). So I guess am dropping some weight: The fear and stuck-ness that can weigh down a girl.

Resolution No. 2: Setting more boundaries
Forget being thin. I just don't want to be spread too thin anymore. As a friend told me: I’m saying No to more things, so I can say Yes to the big things. I’m turning down stuff right and left so I can have a little room to accept the things I really want when they come my way—or to have more time to make them happen. So No I can’t write you a 5-page letter of recommendation for the 5th time, but I can send some words of encouragement your way. And No I can’t paint your house, but I can suggest some jazzy colors. And I’d like to chair that committee, but I’m all booked up sitting in my reading chair Tuesday nights. But Yes oh Yes, I can come to your school to talk to girls about how we can spread respect for all. Where do I sign? Another boundary I’m setting: I’m going on another celeb mag fast (see RESPECT page 62). I don’t want to feed the beast anymore (even for “research”).

Resolution No. 3: Being more honest
By default, being honest is a Respect Basic. It’s everything. To respect yourself is to be honest about who you are, what’s OK (and so not OK) with you, and what you believe in. Being honest also goes back to the first thing: Admitting when you need help. To keep boosting my self-respect—and start getting past some annoyingly repetitive hurdles—I’ve had to be super honest with myself of late. No spin allowed. In fact, I’m scared of what I’ll say next. [Like: I was up until 1 a.m. writing this post vs. sleeping—help!] But it’s a good thing. Because over the years I’ve put up a lot of fronts (i.e. I don’t need help. I’m right. I’m working out all my problems—wait, what problems?).

To have a beautiful life, airbrushing over the truth won’t do. Sometimes you need to start on the path to self-respect by admitting any ugly truths to yourself—including when you're being deprived of what *it* is you really need. (One hint: following your passions!) And usually *it* is inside you all along just waiting to be found (or remembered).

PS: Still hungry for those magazine diet secrets? Check out this and this instead.

HOW DID YOU GET PHAT? COMMENT BELOW TO ENTER WIN A FREE COPY OF RESPECT.

Comments (1) | by Courtney on January 24

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Have you seen the Dove Campaign for Real Beauty commercials where an already lovely model is transformed and Photoshop-ped into a polished poster girl? The Dove film, dubbed Evolution, ends with the tagline: "No wonder our perception of beauty is distorted." But it doesn't have to be. And Dove itself has developed fabulous workshops for girls, young women and parents that anyone can download, lead or just work through on your own time. Being that it's Love Your Body Day, take a break and get the goods here:

Respect Rx workshops and programs

Dove Self-Esteem Fund Workshops: Body Talk, true you workbook, uniquely ME! (great for younger girls) and body image exercises.

And check out more body-respect building tips and activities here.

Your body + mind + soul = YOU.
So love the one you're with, girls.

Comments (0) | by Courtney on October 18

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Audrey Brashich knows the women's media world inside and out. She has been an intern, editor, freelancer and writer for magazines such as Sassy, Jump, YM, Seventeen, Elle Girl, Cosmo Girl, Teen People, Girls Life, Lucky, Mademoiselle, Elegant Bride, Shape, Ms. and others. She's also been a teen model.

In her new book All Made Up: A Girl's Guide to Seeing Through Celebrity Hype and Celebrating Real Beauty, Audrey blows the lid of all that smoke that's been blown up our you-know-whats about what is "beautiful" (and what isn't). She talked to Respect Rx about being a teen model, what she's learned about real beauty, and so-called It Girls (Can you say: Paris Hilton or Linsday Lohan?):

Respect Rx: When you were a teen, why did you want to be a model?
Audrey: I wanted to be a model for all the obvious reasons: the fame, glamour, preferential treatment that's showered on women who have that look and label. I heard the way guys talked about models...the way everyone in a room took notice of a girl if someone said 'Oh I heard she's a model." It didn't matter if she worked for a local newspaper or was on the cover of Vogue. Labels like model, actress, celebrity, pop star etc. get noticed...and I wanted that for myself, too.

What did you learn about that world that you want every girl to know now?
That there's absolutely NOTHING wrong with wanting to be pretty or liking magazines, movies, pop music etc. BUT that we all need to ask why these things are so important in our country. Like, why are we on a first-name basis with women who entertain us or who fit a certain beauty standard. But yet we can't name women who are changing the world? THAT'S what I want to get everyone thinking about.

What are the top five myths that we learn from teen and celebrity magazines?
Myth No. 1: That we should pay attention to every little "flaw" or "imperfection" we have like the size of the pores on our face or whether or not we get a few razor bumps. Remember the Maybelline slogan from a few years ago that went along with their Great Lash Mascara? It went "Maybe She's Born With It... Maybe It's Maybelline" and all the commercials were showed a model with enviable long eye lashes. That always made me think "Oh come ON! NOW we have to worry about the fact that our EYE LASHES aren't as perfect as the next girl's?!" I mean please. Just think about how different the world would be if we all spent less time being trained to worry about scrutinizing, plucking, tanning, manicuring, waxing etc our bodies and spent more time on saving the environment or trying to solve the world's AIDS crisis.

Myth No. 2: That the women in magazines (and on reality TV shows, sitcoms, movies etc) deserve all the recognition they get. Sure, some celebs work really hard to get where they are, but where are they ultimately? They're just entertaining us. I bet if you made a list of the most important professions out there, you'd probably include things like doctor, teacher, human rights activist, etc. So then why aren't any of those women in the public eye???

Myth No. 3: That celebrities have the best lives. It's true: they get to go to the Oscars and we don't. They get tons of free stuff and we don't. But they also have to worry day and night about what they eat, how they look, how they act. They got stalked by paparazzi; reporters go through their trash trying to find out private gossip and there's ALWAYS a new "It Girl" coming up behind them who is going to be BIG competition.

Myth No. 4: That looking like a model/actress/pop star etc is the only way to be considered beautiful and successful. Copying a celebrity look doesn't make you more beautiful…it makes you less of YOU because it compromises your individuality.

Myth No. 5: That there's only fluff and garbage in teen and celebrity magazines. Now hear me out on this one: As conflicted as teen and fashion magazines might be, there is often really good content buried alongside all the images and ads. Most of the articles are well-researched and well-written. They also contain comments top top experts, noted authors and government officials. And all that's good stuff. So go ahead and look at all the fashion pages and ads, but remember those are there to get you to buy products and imply that a certain look (which might not be yours) is beautiful.

As for celebrity magazines...OK, there's not really much good about them EXCEPT that it is pretty refreshing to check them out from time to time and see that stars really look like real people (bad hair, messy sweatpants etc) at least some of the time.

How can girls respect their real beauty?
First step is to get educated about how the media—and the manufacturers that hire them—works. Because those companies have a REALLY big financial stake in defining what's beautiful. I mean hello?! They sell cosmetics and diet products and new clothing every season. So OF COURSE they promote a definition of beauty that requires all those things. They'd be out of a job otherwise!

But what girls need to know is that it's not our bodies that need to be changed (and liposuction-ed, toned, etc) but the standards that we try to hold them to. Our inner and OUTER beauty is right there and it's perfect the way it is. It’s the definitions of what's beautiful that we've got to work on.

MORE INFO
Check out Audrey's blog: Don't Believe the Hype

Common Sense wrote about a new site I checked out that engages teen girls in some serious deep-thinking about media through fun games like writing your own advice colum: My Pop Studio

Learn how to take back your media—check out RESPECT, Chapter 4: Your Media

Comments (1) | by Courtney on September 13

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Alcohol and drugs at a teenage house party? About 80% of parents surveyed by Columbia University say it's not so. But teens say: So true! And then some...

Columbia University's The National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse took a look at teen partying and access to drugs in a recent study. The findings?

• 1/3 of all teens, and nearly 1/2 of 17-year olds, go to house parties where parents are present and teens are drinking, smoking marijuana, or using cocaine, Ecstasy or prescription drugs.

• 80% of parents surveyed by Columbia (I guess those who weren't invited to the party) don’t think drugs and alcohol are on tap are parties their teens attend.

• 99% of parents say they would not be willing to serve alcohol at their teen’s party. BUT 28% of teen partygoers have been at parties at a home where parents were present and teens were drinking alcohol. Hmmm...

• Here's another head-scratcher: Only 12% of parents see drugs as their teen’s greatest concern. BUT twice as many teens (27%) say drugs are their greatest concern.

I almost had to file some of this study's revelations under DUH! Then I thought back to the Great Con of Mom of 1990-1992. This was the time period in high school where I made underage drinking one of my favorite pastimes (next to cheerleading practice and school dances). It also was on many levels the worst time of my life. Many regrets, heartbreak and trauma also went down thanks to my hard-partying ways.

But my mom, despite being pretty hip, didn't have a clue that I was on a never-ending party circuit for a while there. Especially because I always managed to do things like get to my grocery store bagging gig at 7 a.m. every Saturday.

My mom wanted to believe I was trustworthy and that I had some darned common sense. She too believed that I was out late studying or at parties where were watching videos and eating pizza (not downing 40s). I was a clever talker and kept my act together for the most part. But WHY did my mom, who was a former-70s-party-girl and teen mom and who had raised three wild teens before me, possibly think I was so innocent? Now that it’s 15 years or so later and I'm not afraid of my mom:), I just had to ask. Here's the *exclusive* interview:

Me: Why on earth did you think I was NOT partying in high school?
Mom: I just really trusted you. I thought you’d tell me if you drank. And you were such a Ra-Ra, student council, cheerleader, Mayor’s Council type. I trusted you and respected you. There were never any signs. You were very sneaky. And your sister kept low-profile, too. You, girls!

Me: Do you think you should have talked more to me about what would happen if I drank or did drugs? Or even ask me if I was doing that stuff or what I thought of it?
Mom: Well, your father [they were divorced] was an alcoholic and you didn’t like that, so I though it would deter you from drinking [and it did once I learned from my mistakes]. Still, if you’d called me up drunk, I wouldn’t have approved, so you couldn’t have called me for help. I wouldn’t have said: “I’ll come and get you.” I would have said, “DON’T DRINK, you should be the designated driver!” Now I think: What if she got killed? She should have been able to call me if she was in trouble. I think it might be a form of protection. You love your kids so much that you’re in denial. You block it out because it scares you.

Me: What is your advice for today’s parents who either let their kids party in plain view, or don’t think their kids are going to parties where people are really partying?
Mom: Look closer. Pay attention. Take a whiff. And be honest if you suspect something—not reject them or yell at them—but don't ignore it. Because drugs can kill your kids [our family, sadly, has suffered from the tragedies of serious drug addictions]. You need to be their parents, not their friends. You can have a relationship with them but don’t try to be “cool.”

You were always my daughter first, but I didn’t consider you a friend until you were adult. Still, I should have checked things more and asked more questions. Like: What did you do at the party? Who was there? Parents should be more observant. Be awake—I was always asleep when you came home, I should have waited up for you. I didn’t know a lot of your friends' parents and I should have. I should have gotten to know all your friends’ parents. We parents would have talked more then and I would have known: If their kids were doing it, you were too. And…have dinner together every night.

Me: Wow, sounds like a lot to stay on top of. Now wonder you just wanted to go to sleep and pretend I was at a peace ralley 'til 2 a.m.:)
Mom: Well, I should have paid closer attention that's for sure. You were still the kid and I was the parent.

Me: You mean I didn't know everything?
Mom: No!

Well those are my mom’s words of wisdom. Now, here’s mine: Girls experiment. Girls get pressured. Girls are sold partying as a way of life. Girls (sometimes) just want to have fun. There’s no point denying that temptation and opportunity lurks. Or that teen brain might mean that we don’t always think everything through. I sure didn’t. And not having a strong sense of self, big dreams, and personal boundaries did mean that my choices about drinking—and while drinking—added up to a lot of no good for me. Luckily I figured it out pretty quickly. By the time I headed to college—with my big dream of being a journalist—I had quit binge drinking and left behind all the nightmares that come with it. (Though some of the regrets and scars are still with me.)

So what’s the solution here for teens and their parents? I asked my BFF, who I’ve known since I was 11, why she never was an out-of-control party girl when we were teens. Her answer (and I didn’t egg her on): I had self-respect. I couldn't agree more.

MORE INFO
Wanna make more self-respecting choices or start a dialogue w. girls in your life? Check out RESPECT, Chapter 3: Your Body.

Need help with drug or alcohol abuse? Go here.

Comments (1) | by Courtney on September 13

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Sexually experienced teens with higher levels of depressive symptoms are more likely to engage in risky sexual behavior, a new University of California, San Francisco study shows.

Rx: The study's lead author Dr. Jocelyn A. Lehrer told Reuters Health, and I agree, that: "The study findings underscore that it is important for parents to be familiar with signs of depression among adolescent boys and girls. In addition to providing strong and consistent emotional support to their teens, it is important for parents to encourage and actively support their teens in seeking mental health care when needed."

We know that when we are hurting or struggling, the self-respect boosting move is to get help (that's why it's Respect Basic No. 7). And when it comes to sex, having negative or not-so-fulfilling experiences also leads to depression: Girls can fall into major disrepsect spirals in the sexual arena when we are feeling down about ourselves, exploited, or like no one cares about us.

And the depression-sex connection made by the UCSF study is just another reason we need to offer teens well-rounded Sex Ed that covers:
• the mind-body-soul (not just will you or won't you)
• their options
• communication skills
• building internal resources and self-respect
• how to make healthy choices for YOU, based on your values and needs
• how to take responsibility for your health
• what to do when it doesn't feel right across the board and how to set new boundaries, get support, bounce back

Young adults (all of us?) need more holistic support when it comes to taking care of themselves and making decisions about sex (and everything before and after). This is especially critical when you consider that half of all new HIV infections in the United States occur in people under 25 years of age.

Here are some tools you can use when it comes to the depression-sex connection:

Dealing with Depression

Sex: The 7 Questions

Help! Mental Health

Comments (0) | by Courtney on July 12

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Chalk last week up to one of the most amazing experiences I've ever had! I was invited to La Crosse, Wisconsin by Options Clinic to speak to hundreds of health-care providers, teen educators, guidance counselors, parents and (of course) girls. The topic? How teens can make self-respecting decisions so they can REACH their potential in life. (And that is what this respect stuff is *really* all about!)

All of the events were organized by Options Clinic, a remarkable organization that provides boys, girls, women and men with information, resources and health care services like annual exams and pregnancy and STI (sexually-transmitted infections) testing. Options' name speaks for itself. Most of the time Options Clinic staff are out in the community educating people about their options and how to make healthy choices. And this valuable education is not just about dealing with sexual choices, but any choice.

So the Options team and I are so on the same page! And it was SO fulfilling to partner with Options to empower girls and women throughout their region, and during this month's national campaign to prevent teen pregnancy. (Scroll down to hear to my keynote speech at Options' annual meeting and my Wisconsin Public Radio interviews).

Options Clinic has been open for 34 years and it was really inspiring—an honor—to support its work. In Wisconsin, it's actually illegal for anyone under age 18 to have sex. So even getting into schools to talk about risk factors and how to make self-respecting choices is a major challenge. But Options still makes it happen because they want every person to have a happy, healthy, full life.

We tell girls that getting help is a Respect Basic. So I'm grateful that when they do have questions about relationships and sex that they have a place like Options to go to or call. Or when they do want to avoid unplanned pregnancies or STIs that they get to spend time with the knowledgeable, compassionate Options' nurse practitioners, who I was also honored to meet (some have been there almost 20 years!).

One of the high points of the trip was leading workshops for more than 100 high school and middle school girls. Options made the girls feel so special with gift bags, journals and good eats—and they even got an hour or two off school to come bask themselves in respect (no small feat to plan).

The girls and I talked about how disrespect creeps into our lives, but how true respect starts on the inside. I also heard devastating stories of the kinds of disrespect that girls everywhere are still going through—child abuse, sexual abuse, neglect, eating disorders, cutting (self—mutilation) and other hurtful scenarios that can hold people back for life.

These amazing girls were already fighting for respect in their lives. We talked about how they can keep respecting themselves and doing what's right for them no matter what (i.e. learning and living The 7 Respect Basics). Like believing that they all matter. Knowing they can lean on their sisters. Finding support when they need it. Boosting their respect quota every minute by doing things like: following their passions, trusting their gut, setting boundaries, and talking to themselves with respect.

Here is what one smart, beauteous 14-year-old had to say about the Options-sponsored workshop:

I was one of the girls at your Respect event in La Crosse. I just wanted to tell you that I think you are an amazing woman that made me look at a lot of things differently (for the better!). I'll be honest with you and say that I at first went to your event with my school's guidance counselors to get a free day off of school. As soon as I saw my surroundings, I knew that this was going to be something I wanted to know and listen to. With my experience with events like yours, there was always the beautiful model-like person pretty much saying, "You have to respect yourself, your body and mind." And it just didn't seem so "realistic" coming from someone like that. I saw that you were the author of this book and thought, "Wow, that woman is beautiful, inside and out. I can tell she respects herself including her environment and surroundings and now she's helping other girls to do the same, and that makes her beautiful." The fact that you were so laid back and honest made me comfortable in listening to things being said by you and my peers and it made me comfortable in realizing, life isn't perfect nor is anyone. Everyone has their flaws and that makes us what we are and gives us our own personalities. I just want to simply say thank-you for what you're doing for the female gender today and I hope your wise words, feelings, and outlooks get out to each and every person in the world.

Well if this is not a reason to get up in the morning and keep spreading respect, I don't know what is. The local TV news stations also interviewed girls and many said the whole day made them feel like they were not alone (mission accomplished!). For those of you who have donated books to girls in the past or who support girls in other ways—thank you (we are doing a real GOOD thing!).

You can also be a part of this social change partnership with Options Clinic. Like all nonprofits, they need fiscal support and they are also renovating their super old but well-loved and well-utilized space in order to serve more people. Please contribute whatever you can. We might only be able to talk the talk sometimes, but Options is walking the walk for us everyday. So if you're inclined, please give Options some legs: donate today!

Audio files and press from Options Clinic events
Keynote: Helping girls and women reach their potential (MP3)

Wisconsin Public Radio: Newsmaker interview (MP3)

Katherine Dunn show (WPR) interview: Teens and sexual choices (Real Audio)

La Crosse Tribune: Dealing with Prom Night Pressures

WANT to plan a Respect Day for teens? Click here!

Comments (0) | by Courtney on May 5

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Dove asked 3,300 girls and women ages 15 to 64 from around the world what they thought of their bodies and beauty. The answer? 92% of teen girls would like to change *something* about the way they look. And when girls don't love their bodies, what do many think will "fix" it? Plastic surgery. More than 1/4 of the teen girls surveyed said they are considering cosmetic surgery.

I've been asked recently why girls think plastic surgery is a viable option to make themselves feel better. Uh, might this trend have something to do with plastic-TV? From Extreme Makeover to I Want a Famous Face to Dr. 90210, nipping and tucking are coming across as a totally mainstream option for girls who don't like what they see in the mirror. Celebrities—many girls' top models—seem to celebrate when they've gotten a facelift, breast implants or Botox.

It's as if plastic surgery is now being thought of like a trip to the beauty salon. Girls are picking up on this attitude: Hey, if you don't like how you look—or *who* you are—you can easily recreate yourself with an extreme makeover (forget just getting a new outfit or haircut).

Parents are even giving cosmetic surgery as a graduation gifts. According to the American Society for Plastic Surgeons, the number of girls under 18 who got cosmetic surgery was 80,896 in 2004, compared to 13,314 in 1992. This is not including "non-invasive" procedures like Botox or chemical peels, which brings the overall number up to 326,233.

The organization is quick to note that most girls are getting nose jobs (almost 52,000). But in 2004, nearly 4,000 got breast implants and 3,200 got lipsuction (compared to 978 and 472, respectively, in 1992). And a quick whirl around teen community sites reveals that's what lot of girls really want or feel they need to do based on outside pressure:

"Today me and my mom went to a plastic surgery office because my mom wants to get her nose fixed and stuff. I've always been the chunky girl. The 'cute but she's a fat girl.' You know what I mean. So my mom is willing to give me permission for lipo..."

Rx: To look good is to feel good? We can't sell girls this bill of goods. You know the pitch: To be "happy" or "confidant" or "liked," you have to look a certain way (even if it means going under the knife to make it happen). This concept is truly barbaric. It not only encourages girls to hack into their bodies at a young age—before they're even done growing!—but it does nothing to improve their self-respect (and makes their low self-worth even lower when surgery doesn't "solve" their problems). How about instead, the girls of the world get the universal message that:

A. You are here, so you rock and deserve to be appreciated (and respected) as-is.

B. Liking yourself takes time. You have to devote energy to getting to know *you*, following your passions, learning from your mistakes/rejection, and surrounding yourself with encouraging people to build up your confidence and belief in yourself.

C. Invest in yourself—and take care of yourself—so you can accomplish your mission in life. In other words, don't throw money down the drain on cosmetic surgery (and, no, I'm not talking about breast reductions or reconstructive surgery after an accident.) What are more worthy investments? Educate yourself, make healthy choices that nuture you, explore your talents and spirituality, practice speaking your mind, fight for your rights, help other people, become a leader…for starters!

Hey, if you want to freshen up with some lipstick and a cute outfit along the way, fine (enjoy!). But shortcuts and cutting yourself up does not add up to true respect on the inside. If you get the urge to drastically change your body, look at what's *really* making you unsatisfied, instead.

Like I have a good friend who thought she needed breast implants (and her boyfriend thought she'd look "hot," too). But deep down, she really needed to get something else off her chest: Her relationship was unhealthy and rocky, and her career was in a lull. She needed to make changes, but it wasn't to her body. Eventually she dumped the guy, lobbied for a promotion, started hanging out with her friends more—I haven't heard a thing about that boob job since.

Check out these self-respect boosters—they're better than Botox!
1. The Dove Self-Esteem Fund, which we're honored to be a part of through the Real Beauty Book Club, offers tons of great tips for both girls and parents here.

2. See my latest Respect Rx body-respect tips here .

3. RESPECT, Chapters 2 and 3, also has many activities(*), including:
• The real you: Make a list of what's special about you and keep it in your wallet, purse or backpack. Why are you unique? What are your talents? What do you like most about yourself? Pull it out when you're hatin' on your body or think you need to "change."
• Passions list: Make a lit of all things you want to try or love doing. And for the next month, work one of your passions into your schedule each week. How do you feel now?
• Take a risk: To boost your confidence, try something that you've been afraid to tackle. It could be just talking to someone new, or going out for a team or job or entering yourself into an election. Start small (where deep down you know you can do it!).
• Record your body thoughts: Keep a journal of how often you think negative thoughts about yourself for one week. Add up the minutes. The next week, spend the same amout of time volunteering or helping someone in need. Compare the weeks. What's the difference in how you felt about yourself?

4. And if someone else is putting down your body, here's how to set a boundary.

Still wondering "what's real beauty?" Take a peek in the mirror—you're looking at it!

(*) Activities adapted from Respect: A Girl’s Guide to Getting Respect and Dealing When Your Line Is Crossed by Courtney Macavinta and Andrea Vander Pluym © 2005. Used with permission of Free Spirit Publishing Inc., Minneapolis, MN; 1-866-703-7322; www.freespirit.com. All rights reserved.

Comments (0) | by Courtney on April 1

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The Girl Scouts of the USA asked 2,060 girls (along with 461 boys and 599 mothers) what they think it means to be "healthy." The New Normal? What Girls Say about Healthy Living, starts with the statement that "child and adolescent obesity and weight control are among today’s top public health concerns." The study aims to find out girls' attitudes about health and body image to gain some insight into obesity statistics and assumptions.

For most of us, the study's findings are not exactly shocking. Still, it's yet more confirmation that as girls and woman we are still measuring ourselves based on (surprise!) our appearance. So we have a choice to make: Are we willing to do what it takes to start weighing ourselves (and others) based on our *real* substance—as in our minds, hearts, souls—instead?

Here's a recap of some of the study's findings, along with a little body Rx we can all swallow:

• For most girls, being healthy has more to do with appearing "normal" and feeling accepted than maintaining good diet and exercise habits.

• On one hand girls are told to be happy the way they are, and on the other hand, they are given the message that being "overweight" is unhealthy and unattractive.

• The more physically active girls are, the greater their self-esteem and the more satisfied they are with their weight, regardless of how much they weigh. Yet 40% of girls ages 11-17 say they do not play sports because they do not feel skilled or competent and 23% do not think their bodies look good.

• Girls’ view physical and emotional health as closely connected. For example, more than a third of girls ages 11–17 reported eating more when they are “stressed out” and overweight girls are more than twice as likely as girls who are not overweight to report eating more in times of stress. Because girls also tend to be more prone to stress and worry than boys, they are more susceptible to overeating.

• Meal skipping, particularly breakfast and lunch, is not uncommon among girls and occurs more frequently as they grow older. More than 60% of teenage girls skip breakfast at least once a week and nearly 20% skip it every day.

• A mother’s weight, body image, attitude, and health habits are strong indicators of whether her daughter is overweight, satisfied with her body, and physically active. Girls look to their mothers for advice on healthy living. A daughter’s dissatisfaction with her weight is greater if her mother is also dissatisfied with her own weight, in spite of how much a daughter actually weighs.

Rx: No matter where you are on the body image or weight scale, being the true you comes down to seeing your body as more than a billboard to get attention, acceptance, or love from other people. Let's all start here: Look at your body in terms of how it will help you serve your purpose in life and meet your goals. You only have one body to cart around that great brain and wise soul of yours, and that’s why treating your body with respect is a must:

1. Take care of you. It took me awhile to really believe this one: Your mind and body are one in the same. You can't love you and then hate your bod.

To really take care of you, you gotta take ownership of your body. It's your home. And this means you gotta listen to your body. This is something we've been so programmed *not* to do even though it's totally natural, smart and respectful! So when you're tired: rest. When you're in pain: listen and investigate. When you're stressed: seek real calm (vs. numbing yourself). When you're restless: move. When you're at risk: protect yourself. When you're hungry: eat food that sustains and nurtures you. When you're thirsty: drink stuff that actually quenches your thirst. When you or someone else is hurting your body: get help. In other words, take care of your body out of love and respect (not to win any contests).

2. Be a body role model. When we're advocates for other girls and women, it rubs off on us in a really permanent way (the kinda tattoo you never want to get rid of). So to start loving your body, show other girls the love. Around younger girls, don't say you're fat, ugly or anything else downright mean about yourself. Change the world for the better by *not* talking the Language of Fat. Don't size each other up based on your size. Compliment a girl's character, choices, accomplishments and ideas (not just how cute she looks in pair of jeans). Make body choices that show your sisters that you *truly* love yourself (like not depriving yourself of what you need and making your health a priority). Don't be afraid to try new sports or activities, which also shows other girls that it's OK not to be perfect all the time (remember, being active boosts your self-respect either way).

Moms, if you want to transform your daughters' lives in a really amazing way: stop hating, abusing or putting down your body. They're watching and learning (just like we did!).

3. Go on a fast. As in a media fast. If there is one thing that can persuade the most self-respecting girl to slide into disrespecting her body, it's twisted advice and body ideals. And yes, sorry, we are influenced by what we watch and read (and hear from friends who are watching, reading, and listening to unhealthy media). So as much as I love celebrity gossip mags and MTV like the rest of you, ditch 'em for awhile. When you're no longer marinating your brain in a sea of size 0s, diet tips, or body-obsessed "role" models, you'll get some much-needed clarity. And this goes back to what the Girl Scouts study is all about: What does being healthy mean to girls? You need the space to be the real you—without interruption or outside pressure—to truly fund out.

More info >
RESPECT Chapter 2, Your Body: Find out how to make respectful body choices and 13 more ways to boost your body respect.
Help! Body image and health resources.
101 Ways to Help Your Daughter Love Her Body

Comments (0) | by Courtney on March 27

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Girls who have significant symptoms of depression as teens are 86% more likely than their peers to become victims of abuse from a boyfriend or husband as young women, according to a UC San Francisco study published in the March issue of the Archives of Pediatrics & Adolescent Medicine.

Rx: There are so many tough things we go through as teen girls that can lead to disrespect and abuse later in life. Now (no surprise) we can add teen depression to the list.

This is why Getting Help is a Respect Basic. Every girl needs to know how to ask for help whenever she needs it. And you need to know that when you get help you're respecting and standing for yourself (that there's nothing wrong with you). And when our friends, sisters and daughters don't ask for help, we need to trust our guts and reach out with open arms and open ears when they might need us most (like if they are sinking into deep depression).

The thing is, dating violence is already out of control in teen relationships: 57% of U.S. teens know friends who have experienced physical, sexual or verbal abuse in their BF/GF relationships. Abuse is the darkest form of disrespect and it derails young women's lives and potential. It's a world crisis that we can't ignore: 1 in 3 females worldwide have been abused in some way.

So when we add the risk factor that girls who are significantly depressed as teens are more vulnerable to abuse later on, it's time to step in and take action:

Dealing with depression. There are so many respect connections here. For example, girls who experiment with drugs, alcohol and sex are two to three times more likely to become depressed than those who don't (was totally true for me when I was teen). So first, let's focus on helping girls learn how to make choices that pass their gut checks and honor their boundaries (see RESPECT Chapters 1 & 2).

But not all depression is brought on by past choices or abuse—many teens are hit with clinical depression. So know the signs of depression. Also get help. Call you doctor or get help here, here or here if you or someone you know is depressed.

Know the cycle of abuse. Even if a girl isn't depressed, she could still be abused at some point (and if she wasn't depressed before, well now she will be). She might be berated and called names by her BF/GF. She might be slapped, hit, kicked or bitten by her BF/GF. She might be threatened with a knife or gun. She might be raped by someone she is dating or married to.

So one way to help any girl (including yourself) break the cycle is to know what to look for. Check out Love is Not Abuse or Break the Cycle to learn about the cycle of abuse, which goes something like this:
Tension builds and the abuser is verbally abusive ->
He explodes and beats up or rapes his girlfriend ->
He says he feels bad, is sorry or even buys his GF presents ->
She's afraid to leave or beaten down emotionally and stays ->
It starts all over again…

Spread respect. Let other girls or your daughters or other women know about the depression-abuse connection. Tell them about the cycle of abuse. Support them by letting them know their choices if they need help in any way. Listen real hard. (If you are forceful and bossy, they often feel attacked again—by you).

Mentor for or sign up for powerful after-school programs that boost girls self-respect (like these). Also, stay on top of the Violence Against Women Act (VAWA). It was just re-authorized by Congress is supposed to fund more dating violence prevention programs for teens as well as anti-stalking measures. But overall funding was slashed. So we need to keep asking for what we need, and we need laws like VAWA on our side. (That is, until person is safe from abuse.)

You can do it!
Here's a project you can take on today to create social change. You can order—for FREE—these helpline cards and hand them out to anyone and everyone. They're cute, small and can fit in your wallet (and they come in English and Spanish). Teens I mentor through Girls For A Change handed out more than 1,000 of these cards to guys and girls at in just a few weeks!

Comments (0) | by Courtney on March 9

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Hey everyone it's Fat-Free Friday! As we cap off National Eating Disorders Awareness Week, take action by trying to stop speaking in the Language of Fat. Jessica Weiner, a NEDA ambassador and the author of Do I Look Fat in This?, says this means saying NO to:

• calling yourself or others fat.
• thinking in terms of weight, diet, food and fat.
• idealizing unrealistic imagery in the media.
• saying "Do I look fat In this?"

Read my interview with Jess and find how to WIN a free copy of her book here:

Q. What are girls and women really saying when we say "I feel fat!"?
Jessica: As girls in our culture we're often taught to be in competition and look at ourselves as enemies vs. friends. And we're taught to be in competition with our bodies and to try and look better than each other. At the same time, it's easy for us to bond over the size of our butt, thighs or bellies. Why? Because it's easier to try and control those things vs. why someone doesn't like us, or why our relationship isn't working our, or why we're frustrated with our family.

Q. If our friends or family are always talking about their weight and "being fat," how can we take action?
If you stop speaking the Language of Fat, it plants a seed that tells the girls in your life that it's not OK to talk like this. It's rewarding when you create a fat-free talk zone. You can love each other and not bond over your dislike of your bodies.

If you're hanging out with friends, mom or grandma and they're talking the Language of Fat, speak up. Try saying, "Fat is not really a feeling. What's really going on?" You don't have to try to change them, but speak up for you—silence equals consent.

Also, watch your own body talk, and watch the media you absorb. Monitor your thoughts so you're not buying into the hype. It sends a strong message when someone likes the skin they're in and cares about themselves. To be a role model, start with yourself.

Q. If girls and women stop talking the Language of Fat then what can we talk about instead?
Talk about your feelings before you talk about fat. Did you see a great movie lately? Don't just talk about how pretty the actress was, but what the movie had to say or how it made you feel. Talk about what makes you you. Do you love soccer? How do you feel about how girls are being treated around the world?

It's easier to go into a bathroom at school and talk about how ugly you feel vs. how poorly you did on a test. It can be more vulnerable to put yourself out there and talk about your real feelings or problems. But friendships are about being real and honest. We crave that and sometimes settle for the fat talk because it's the easy way out.

It wouldn't be real or fair to say I don’t have these thoughts sometimes, too. I'm still a girl in the world. What we can all do is try make sure our friendships are of substance and that we treat ourselves with loving words and action.

More Info>
• Read the Your Body and Your Media IQ chapters in RESPECT
• Try this!
• Get Help!
• RESPECT is a part of Dove's Real Beauty Book Club. Submit your review here!

Want to WIN a copy of Jessica's book? SUBMIT a comment below and tell me how you respect your body here or your fat-free talk story! Five readers will get a copy of the book and winning entries will be posted on Respect Rx.

Comments (2) | by Courtney on March 3

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Back in the day, I frantically cut off the bottoms of my knee socks to fashion myself some homemade leg warmers so that I could try to lose weight doing one of those morning workout shows. I "felt" fat and like I needed to get rid of my affliction. My poor mom, she was afflicted too. Like other women, she was on the cabbage soup diet or NutriSystem or these B-12 shots her doctor used to give her to go with her boiled chicken breasts. And like many young women marinating in this don't-eat-or-be-eaten culture, I started using the number on the scale as the main yardstick to measure whether I was worth a damn. The thing is, when I say young woman, I mean I was pretty young—a third-grade student to be exact.

This is the kind of story National Eating Disorders Awareness Week aims to help girls and women rewrite. And my friend Jessica Weiner, an ambassador for NEDA, offers a place for us to start in her new book, Do I Look Fat in This?

Jess' book is an action-oriented guide to deciphering the second language that most women on the planet speak: The Language of Fat. She points out (accurately) that fat is not a feeling (though we often seem to chalk it up that way). For the sake of our self-respect—and to meet our true potential in life—she wants us to not only name our real feelings but to stop spending all our mobile minutes fat-talking.

You know what I mean. Do you and your girlfriends always seem to circle back to talking about your behinds, points, or South Beach (and I'm *not* talking about Miami). I've heard women who can't stop talking with alarm about how large their tummies are getting. And these precious, amazing beauties are pregnant! Jess' book made me *feel* how much it actually hurts when *myself* and other women still use those dusty old yardsticks (scale, inches, dress size) to measure our worth. Talk about fuzzy math.

I've been weaning off fat-talk for some time now (starting when we wrote RESPECT). I mean when I saw the legacy being passed on to bright young girls (like studies in which they say they'd rather lose their arms than be fat!), I became determined that we could all talk about more impassioned topics. The economy, disaster relief, war, employment law, after-school programs, world peace, or the horror of Super Sweet 16, anyone?

However, in honor of NEDA Week, I'm committed to cleaning up my language—for good. In addition to actually treating my body (my home) with extra loving respect this week, I'm going to acknowledge my sisters (and self) based on more solid metrics: Like what a great mom you are. Your hard-working drive. Your big brain. Your big heart. Your big ears (because you're such a good listener). Your crazy-life juggling skills. Your problem-solving chops. Your genius insights. Your pure existence.

If you can't go on a total fat-talk fast this week, try this: When you have the urge to use the word "fat" or "pounds" or "weight," instead replace it with the word "smart." Like:
I feel SO smart.
How many smart grams does that have?
Do I look smart in this?
Mmmm, that dessert looks so smartening.
I can't believe how smart I am getting!
I can't eat another bite or I'll get smart. (Oh, in that case you should have seconds!).
No one loves me because I'm too smart. (Not likely)
I'll do that when I lose some smarts. (Unless you mean playing on the freeway, just go for it!)
I lost five smarts. (Hurry, get them back.)
You look great, have you lost some smarts? (GAWD, you'd never actually say that to a friend, right?)
I'm so over-smart. (That can't possibly be a bad thing).

All right women of the world, when it comes to our bodies (our selves), let's try harder to love the one we're with. And if you need more support in building your body respect (or know someone who does), check out the Help! section for more resources.

Comments (0) | by Courtney on February 28

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Part of respecting yourself means figuring out what you need. That might mean getting help in a situation that's dangerous, or digging deeper for more information on a subject. This section is full of resources to help you do some major exploring or to get help.

HELPLINES
Al-Anon/Alateen
888-4AL-ANON (888-425-2666)
www.al-anon-alateen.org
Support for families and friends of alcoholics. Use the Web site to find a local chapter near you or look it up in the phone book.

National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders
847-831-3438
www.anad.org
Helpline open Monday through Friday 9 A.M. to 5 P.M. (CST). Web site is loaded with information about eating disorders and treatment referrals for your area.

National Substance Abuse Helpline
800-DRUG-HELP (800-378-4435)
A confidential helpline for help with questions or concerns related to substance abuse.

SAFE (Self-Abuse Finally Ends)
800-DONT-CUT (800-366-8288)
Get referrals to local programs that can help girls who self-injure or cut.

ORGS + WEB SITES
About Face
www.about-face.org
Check out the Make Changes section for advice on how to improve your body image and speaking up to companies that promote dangerous body ideals.

The Body Positive
510-548-0101
www.thebodypositive.org
Teaches girls how to develop a better body image and healthy relationships with food.

Club Drugs
www.clubdrugs.org
Learn about the latest club drugs and the negative effects they can have on your mind and body. A service of the National Institute on Drug Abuse.

Girls on the Run
704-376-9817
www.girlsontherun.org
With chapters nationwide, this organization helps educate and prepare girls age 8 to 13 for a lifetime of self-respect and healthy living through a 12-week running and mentoring program.

gURL
www.gurl.com
Find out how your brain and body work—including dealing with tough emotions, health, sex, relationships, and body choices.

National Drug Hotline
800-662-4357
A confidential helpline for help with drug- and alcohol-related issues.

National Eating Disorders Association
206-382-3587
www.nationaleatingdisorders.org
Get information on all forms of eating disorders and treatment, and get referrals for doctors, counselors, nutritionists, and facilities in your area.

SelfHarm
www.selfharm.org
Information about self-mutilation, including support groups, true stories of survival, and getting help.

Students Against Destructive Decisions (SADD)
www.saddonline.com
From alcohol abuse to whether you go without a seatbelt, this Web site covers some of the ways teens can make destructive decisions and what they can do take care of themselves.

Teen Health
www.teenhealth.org
Articles, answers, facts, and advice on everything related to your health—physical, mental, and sexual.

WebMD
www.webmd.com
If there's one Web site that has it all about your mind and body, it's WebMD. Using its search engine, you can find excellent information on anything from depression, to emergency contraception, to self-injury. When searching, be sure to check out the WebMD Search Results first (before you go clicking around links provided by sponsors).

Women's Sports Foundation
800-227-3988
www.womenssportsfoundation.org
Find out about every sport under the sun and how to get involved, and learn about athletic scholarships. Check out the GoGirlGo! section to read about girl sports stars

BOOKS + MAGAZINES
Adios, Barbie: Young Women Write About Body Image and Identity by Ophira Edut
A celebration of the fact that female bodies come in all shapes, sizes, and colors. Plus, stories of body outlaws who don't conform to unhealthy norms.

Am I Thin Enough Yet?: The Cult of Thinness and the Commercialization of Identity by Sharlene Hesse-Biber
How schools, pop culture, and the health and fitness industry all undermine young women's self-confidence by telling her that her body is more important than her mind.

The Beauty Myth: How Images of Beauty Are Used Against Women by Naomi Wolf
Journalist Naomi Wolf argues that women's insecurities are made worse and then exploited by the cosmetic, diet, and plastic surgery industries. And then girls spend all their time obsessing over their looks instead of other important issues, like self-respect.

Bodily Harm: The Breakthrough Healing Program for Self-Injurers by Karen Conterio and Wendy Lader
A good overview of the growing problem of self-mutilation among girls and women.

The Body Project: An Intimate History of American Girls by Joan Jacobs Brumberg
Starting with a statistic that 53 percent of girls are dissatisfied with their bodies, the book looks at "why?" Brumberg combs through girls' diaries dating from 1830 to the present day and explains why now more than ever girls' main projects are their bodies.

Buzzed: The Straight Facts about the Most Used and Abused Drugs from Alcohol to Ecstasy by Cynthia Kuhn, et. al.
Learn about the effects and risks of drug use so you can make healthy body choices.

Deal With It! A Whole New Approach to Body, Brain, and Life as a Gurl by Esther Drill, Heather McDonald, and Rebecca Odes
The ultimate guide for all things girls have to deal with, from understanding feelings to sex and how your body is changing. It'll suck you in because it's so cool, straightforward, and real, and because it has tons of resource listings and illustrations.

Easy for You to Say: Q & As for Teens Living with Chronic Illness or Disability by Miriam Kaufman
Written in a Q&A format, this book tackles the concerns of teens with chronic illness or disability. Subjects include, family, sexuality, friends, and dating.

New Mobility magazine
www.newmobility.com
This progressive magazine and its Web site are the leading resources for disability culture and lifestyle issues. Online you can research a number of disability topics or join the message board.

Phenomenal Woman: Four Poems Celebrating Women by Maya Angelou
Four inspirational and empowering poems, including "Phenomenal Woman," about loving the female form.

The Right Moves to Getting Fit and Feeling Great by Tina Schwager and Michele Schuerger
Learn how to eat and exercise in self-respecting ways so you can take care of your body, mind and soul.

A Very Hungry Girl: How I Filled Up on Life and How You Can, Too! by Jessica Weiner
A personal look at how all girls want to be loved, feel worthy, and fit in. Find out how Jessica figured this out for herself amid a long battle with eating disorders and low self-esteem.

When Nothing Matters Anymore: A Survival Guide for Depressed Teens by Bev Cobain, R.N.,C.
A book for teens on how to recognize depression, get help and stay well.

101 Ways to Help Your Daughter Love Her Body by Brenda Lane Richardson and Elane Rehr
Great advice for your parents to help them help you build body respect. Buy this book for them now!

Adapted from Respect: A Girl’s Guide to Getting Respect and Dealing When Your Line Is Crossed by Courtney Macavinta and Andrea Vander Pluym © 2005. Used with permission of Free Spirit Publishing Inc., Minneapolis, MN; 1-866-703-7322; www.freespirit.com. All rights reserved. Illustrations by Catherine LePage © Free Spirit Publishing Inc. 2005

Comments (0) | by Courtney on January 1

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