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Check out the article Gossip Girls (page 234) in the March issue of Teen Vogue. I dish some advice about why we gossip and how to give it up!

Comments (0) | by Courtney on February 13

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Yelling with power when you’re feeling threatened by someone isn’t about screaming or raising the pitch of your voice like a desperate victim in a horror movie. Listen to these audio clips to learn how to say NO! with power.

Have you ever heard the way that military officers speak during drills (in real life or in the movies)? Your goal is to yell “NO!” with that kind of power but with a little less “bark.” Think of it like singing opera or cheerleading: You need to yell from your diaphragm—your gut—not from the top of your throat, so you sound forceful and commanding.

To practice, yell “NO!” seriously, loudly, and with conviction. Do it as loud and strong as you can, until you scare yourself or someone in the other room with your assertiveness. (Just warn your family ahead of time that you’re practicing and not being attacked for real.) Here are some examples of what a strong “No!” sounds like, as well as some other important boundaries:

NO!

I said NO!

Leave me alone!

Back off!

If the person persists, yell to alert other people to the situation:

I don't know this man!

This person is bothering me!

This girl is threatening me!

Audio performed by Andrea Vander Pluym, teen self-defense instructor and co-author of RESPECT. Illustration by Catherine LePage © Free Spirit Publishing Inc. 2005.

Comments (0) | by Courtney on October 4

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Why oh why do teens do the "stupid" things they do? Is it hormones? Is it inexperience? Is it too much media? Is it peer pressure? Do they just not give a rat's arse? OR is it their teen brain?

The debate and research continues about WHY we do what we do when we’re teens. From those self-centered actions that drive parents nuts to not thinking about the consequences of our actions to crashing and burning emotionally after a NON-life-ending mistake or misstep.

The Teen Brain Hard at Work—No, Really is the new cover story by Scientific America MIND (August/September 2006). After studying MRIs of some U.S. teens’ brains (among other research) some scientists argue that teens' bad decisions and risky behavior may be the result an “immature prefrontal cortex”—not just rebellion or irresponsibility. In stressful situations a teen's frontal cortex might get overloaded more easily (like when I backed into another car the first day I got my learner’s permit and froze?). One expert goes on to say that teen brains are more vulnerable and it’s more “difficult for them to show self-control.”

On the other hand, another researcher argues in this same article that teens in other countries don’t act out in the same ways as U.S. teens. American culture, more than “teen brain,” influences teens’ decisions, according to Elliot Valenstein, author of Blaming the Brain. He told the magazine: We live in a society where kids are isolated from adults, so they learn from each other. (And that, he says, can be a recipe for trouble.)

In another new study by the University College London Institute of Cognitive Neuroscience, researchers also found that
the area of the brain associated with higher-level thinking, empathy, and guilt is underused by teenagers.

Rx: I know when I was a teen, it seemed like about 75% of my actions fell into the What the H was I thinking? category. I took daily (sometimes criminal) risks that would still make my mom faint if she knew what I’d been up to (even though it was more than a decade ago).

In fact, our “teen brains” inspired us to write RESPECT. We were still struggling with some WHY DID I DO THAT???? choices we’d made as teens and the aftermath for our self-respect. From relationships to personal safety to habits, health and sex, it felt like our teen brains were still running the show in some instances and definitely haunting us in others. We wanted to give girls the big-sis advice we’d never got and solid tips for how to find, keep and spread their amazing-ness.

The truth is teens make head-scratching moves and take heart-stopping risks due to many factors: teen brain, culture, role models, not having their sights set on big and small dreams, lack of support or education in any area you can name, or needing more nurturing on the self-respect front. So when it comes to learning how to make self-respecting choices, The 7 Respect Basics are a good start. Because teen-brain-time is a good time to start trusting your gut, learning to set boundaries, and analyzing mistakes for lessons (vs. letting disrespectful choices or events totally define your habits, potential and future).

MORE INFO
RESPECT Chapter 1: Your Mind

When Time did its 2004 story, Secrets of the Teen Brain, Laurence Steinberg, author of The 10 Basic Principles of Good Parenting, offered these 7 Rules for Parents.

Frontline explored the teen brain, too.

This looks interesting, but I haven’t read it yet: The Primal Teen: What the New Discoveries about the Teenage Brain Tell Us about Our Kids

Comments (0) | by Courtney on September 11

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Girls and women have long come up with cute, sisterly pet names for one another. But do bitch, bi-yatch, slut or ho fall into the category of terms of endearment or back-handed disses?

Here's what I think: How girls and women think and talk about and treat themselves shows the world how we want the world to think and talk about and treat us. And let's be honest, when a friend says: "You bitch (ha, ha, ha)..." there is always a tinge of bitchiness behind it. Maybe this is why parents and girl advocates have been asking me: Does language matter? The answer: How can it not? Certain not-so-choice language has long been weapon No. 1 when it comes to disrespecting and degrading people.

So is it OK for women and girls to call each other negative names even it's just a joke, or done "to take back the power" of the insult? I believe in free speech for all, but calling each other these names just doesn't smell like sisterhood to me. If you have a young woman in your life who you'd like to encourage to speak to herself and other girls with less bite—and more respect—try these tips (and take them to heart yourself):

Put it in context. Talk to your daughter/young women about topics such as women’s history, sexism, racism, and intolerance. Let her know how derogatory names have been used historically to repress and degrade people. Watch a movie on this topic and discuss it together. Describe emotional and verbal abuse, and talk about how insults such as “bitch” and “whore” are used to hurt females.

Foster self-respect. Help your daughter value and respect herself by not letting anyone—including herself—put her down. Teach her how to set boundaries and speak up when her line is crossed.

Promote sisterhood. Tell her that when one girl is put down, slammed, or held back, all girls are hurt. Foster a spirit of sisterhood in your daughters by discouraging them from competing with and harming other girls. Give them tips for shutting down the rumor mill—such as setting a boundary with the instigator—when a girl is being targeted with a “slut” rumor.

Ask questions. Ask her what message it sends to guys when girls put each other down. Note that words have power even when they are used in jest. Help them come up with other clever names for their girlfriends that are endearing, not hurtful.

Set the tone. Don’t allow anyone in your home to degrade women or girls. And don’t use the words yourself—ever.

Set the rules. From the Internet to the dinner table, make your boundaries clear for acceptable language under your roof. And think of a creative punishment when the line is crossed, like having your daughter volunteer with an organization that is fighting for equality or against hate crimes and the mistreatment of people.

Spread respect at school. Encourage your daughter/young women to spread respect at her school by making sure the sexual harassment rules are being enforced, setting up respect contracts in her classes, not tolerating disrespectful treatment of girls, and reporting all harassment.

Read more of my tips in the May issue of Daughters.

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT WOMEN OR GIRLS CALLING EACH OTHER BITCH, HO, OR SLUT? Is this is a case of friend or foe? COMMENT BELOW AND ENTER TO WIN A RESPECT T-SHIRT!

Comments (2) | by Courtney on May 31

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Want to know the secret to getting along well with your friends, family and BF/GFs? It's all about R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

Now, a lot of people have different definitions of "respect." Some think you can demand respect, bully it out people, or that you have to be showed respect before you can give it. But actually, true respect starts on the inside. If you care about yourself, believe in yourself, and listen to yourself, you have the makings of some serious self-respect. And when you know how to respect yourself, you've got what it takes to make respect a basic in your relationships.

Knowing how to build mutual respect in relationships is super important. Because when it comes to respect you get what you give. Sometimes, though, disrespect rules relationships. Like when a friend spreads a rumor about you or makes fun of you all the time. Or if your mom loses her cool and yells at you to do your chores instead of just asking. Or when you slam your bedroom door or tell your brother to "shut up!" out of anger. Or often disrespect goes down when people simply don't listen to each other (sound familiar?).

Don't feel bad—all relationships have rough spots. There are times when you misunderstand each other and need to check in to keep things running smoothly. Conflicts can feel really uncomfortable but they actually make your friendships and families stronger if you’re all willing to work things out. If you don’t talk about what you need or when you're feelings are hurt, you risk growing further apart.

When tough stuff happens (even when you feel like you never want to talk to the person again!) speaking up is best way to get the respect flowing again. And to keep disrespect from taking over in the first place, be honest with friends and family members (respectfully, of course) about your boundaries and what needs to happen if your line has been crossed. The goal is to have a calm two-way conversation, where everyone gets a chance to have his or her say.

So the next time you need to deal with common disrespect dilemmas—or want to prevent disrespect from taking over your relationships—keep these 10 Rules in mind so you say what you mean, instead of something you’ll regret:

Rule #1: Think ahead of time about what you’re going to say to your friend or family member. What’s bothering you? What happened? How did it make you feel? What would make things better? Before you state your case, think about what you want and why. Say it in your mind first, so it comes out the way you want it to. If you’re nervous, try writing this stuff down and then rehearsing it out-loud in front of the mirror.

Rule #2: Pick a good time. For instance, you don’t want to talk about a hot-button subject with your dad when he just got home from a tough day at work, was stuck in traffic, and now has to fix dinner. And you especially don’t want to start in when you just got busted for something or didn’t fulfill an obligation. If you can, also try not to confront your friends or family members in front of other people. Instead, find a place that feels safe and private. Ask them when they're free to talk in private (but see #9 for an exception to this rule.)

Rule #3: Watch your body language. If your hands are on your hips and you’re sighing, rolling your eyes, pointing fingers, or stomping around, the conversation can quickly turn into an argument.

Rule #4: Focus on how you feel (not on all the things the person has done wrong), so he or she will hear you out instead of getting defensive. Don’t use phrases like that will put your friend/family member on the defensive, like “You always ______!” or “You never ______!” Instead, be specific about what’s bothering you and what you want to change. Like, “I feel ______ when you make comments about my weight. It makes me self-conscious, and I need you to stop.”

Rule #5: Be assertive, which means using a strong, confident voice and making eye contact. Your feelings and needs are important. You want to make sure your boundaries are clear—that the person knows how you feel and what you want. But then be prepared to talk it out and even negotiate a solution.

Rule #6: Make sure you're both tuned in. If it seems like the person isn’t listening to you (like your mom is looking down), or seems uncomfortable (your friend is furrowing his brow), ask a question to loosen things up. Try, “Do you want to talk about this later?” or “How do you feel about things?" If they get defensive, ask them if they'd like more time to think about what you’ve said. Offer to talk about it again later when they're ready.

Rule #7: Listen, too. During a conflict, it often helps to listen more than you talk. When your parents or friends are responding, try not to think only about your next comeback. To show respect, make eye contact and show respect by letting them finish. Don’t interrupt, because if you do, they’ll think you’re not really listening. And let them know they were heard. Try, “I hear what you’re saying. You’re worried about how I spend my time on the weekends.” Or "I didn't know you felt that way, now I understand."

Rule #8: Try to stay calm. During conflicts, most people start showing signs of stress (faster breathing, a pounding heart). This may sound too easy, but right when you feel yourself getting upset, try to focus on your breathing. Even if you still feel your heart racing, the extra oxygen you’re sucking in actually helps your entire body calm down. If your feelings overwhelm you and you start to cry or get really angry, just say you need a minute or ask the person if you can talk again later.

Rule #9: Ask for help. If the friend or family member you’re in conflict with happens to rule your clique or has intimidated you in the past, you might feel more confident if you have someone else close by for support. Your supporter can stand near you, or within earshot, so she can step in if the conversation gets loud or you’re physically threatened. Or you may want to ask the person to help clear up the misunderstanding (like your mom might be able to help out if the conflict is with a sibling) so you can all get back on the path to respect safely.

Rule #10: End the conversation in a way you both feel good about. If your friend or family member says she’s sorry, try to accept her apology gracefully and don’t hold things against her later on. Thank her for listening and let her know that you really appreciate the way she handled herself. Set some joint ground rules for how you'll treat each other in the future.

Creating respect in your relationships does take time and effort. But it's worth it because building strong relationships makes you stronger! Remember, boundaries aren't about keeping people out, they're about letting people in. So know how you want to be treated. And then treat yourself, your friends and family members how you want to be treated. That's Respect 101.

Adapted from RESPECT: A Girl's Guide to Getting Respect & Dealing When Your Line Is Crossed. Copyright © 2005, Courtney Macavinta and Andrea Vander Pluym. For use with permission from Free Spirit Publishing. For more information, contact Amy Dillahunt, 612-338-2068, dillahunt@freespirit.com. Illustration by Catherine LePage © Free Spirit Publishing Inc. 2005.

Comments (0) | by Courtney on May 12

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A boundary is a line—usually an invisible line you set that you don’t want others to cross. Your boundaries are defined by your personal limits, values, and life experiences.

If you’re in a situation that makes you feel uncomfortable or if someone does something to you that you don’t like, your line has been crossed. The boundaries you set can affect how a person talks to you, how someone treats you, how someone might touch you, and so much more. Here are some examples of situations and boundaries you might try:

Feelings. If you feel like someone’s trying to censor your emotions, try saying, “I’m really upset and need a few minutes to myself. I hope you understand,” or “Can you hang out with me and not say anything for a few minutes? I don’t really want advice right now. Just having you here is helping.”

Criticisms. Many people don’t hold back—they just let their words fly, especially when it comes to criticism. When people who are supposed to love you (like family and friends) are harsh, their words tend to hurt (and stick). The same goes for you if you’re dishing out criticism. If someone harshly criticizes you, filter it. Here’s how: First, try not to take immediate offense. Stop and ask yourself, “Is there some truth to that?” Feedback from other people helps you grow. So, in your mind, take the good (“Do I need to work on ______?”) but leave the bad (“The way she said that was rude. She didn’t need to say ______”). Next, tell the person how you feel. Try, “I appreciate your concern, but the way you said it hurt my feelings. Next time, could you try to tell me what I need to work on without saying ______?”

Teasing. Even when friends are "just teasing," it can really hurt. Set a boundary by sharing how you feel (not on everything your friend has done wrong), so she’s more likely to hear you out. Try, “I feel really hurt when you tease me in front of other people, even if you think you’re just joking around.

Pressures. Life is full of people pressures, especially those that come from friends and family. If a friend pressures you to do things you don’t want to do and then lays a guilt trip on you if you refuse, your friend isn’t listening to your boundaries, and she’s stepping on your rights.Set your boundary again in a firm voice, saying, “I told you that I don’t want to do _____. Please respect my reasons, even if you don’t agree with them.” You could add, “You’re not going to change my mind by making me feel guilty. Please don’t pressure me this way.”

Adapted from Respect: A Girl’s Guide to Getting Respect and Dealing When Your Line Is Crossed by Courtney Macavinta and Andrea Vander Pluym © 2005. Used with permission of Free Spirit Publishing Inc., Minneapolis, MN; 1-866-703-7322; www.freespirit.com. All rights reserved. llustration by Catherine LePage © Free Spirit Publishing Inc. 2005

Comments (0) | by Courtney on January 31

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