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Girls and women have long come up with cute, sisterly pet names for one another. But do bitch, bi-yatch, slut or ho fall into the category of terms of endearment or back-handed disses?

Here's what I think: How girls and women think and talk about and treat themselves shows the world how we want the world to think and talk about and treat us. And let's be honest, when a friend says: "You bitch (ha, ha, ha)..." there is always a tinge of bitchiness behind it. Maybe this is why parents and girl advocates have been asking me: Does language matter? The answer: How can it not? Certain not-so-choice language has long been weapon No. 1 when it comes to disrespecting and degrading people.

So is it OK for women and girls to call each other negative names even it's just a joke, or done "to take back the power" of the insult? I believe in free speech for all, but calling each other these names just doesn't smell like sisterhood to me. If you have a young woman in your life who you'd like to encourage to speak to herself and other girls with less bite—and more respect—try these tips (and take them to heart yourself):

Put it in context. Talk to your daughter/young women about topics such as women’s history, sexism, racism, and intolerance. Let her know how derogatory names have been used historically to repress and degrade people. Watch a movie on this topic and discuss it together. Describe emotional and verbal abuse, and talk about how insults such as “bitch” and “whore” are used to hurt females.

Foster self-respect. Help your daughter value and respect herself by not letting anyone—including herself—put her down. Teach her how to set boundaries and speak up when her line is crossed.

Promote sisterhood. Tell her that when one girl is put down, slammed, or held back, all girls are hurt. Foster a spirit of sisterhood in your daughters by discouraging them from competing with and harming other girls. Give them tips for shutting down the rumor mill—such as setting a boundary with the instigator—when a girl is being targeted with a “slut” rumor.

Ask questions. Ask her what message it sends to guys when girls put each other down. Note that words have power even when they are used in jest. Help them come up with other clever names for their girlfriends that are endearing, not hurtful.

Set the tone. Don’t allow anyone in your home to degrade women or girls. And don’t use the words yourself—ever.

Set the rules. From the Internet to the dinner table, make your boundaries clear for acceptable language under your roof. And think of a creative punishment when the line is crossed, like having your daughter volunteer with an organization that is fighting for equality or against hate crimes and the mistreatment of people.

Spread respect at school. Encourage your daughter/young women to spread respect at her school by making sure the sexual harassment rules are being enforced, setting up respect contracts in her classes, not tolerating disrespectful treatment of girls, and reporting all harassment.

Read more of my tips in the May issue of Daughters.

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT WOMEN OR GIRLS CALLING EACH OTHER BITCH, HO, OR SLUT? Is this is a case of friend or foe? COMMENT BELOW AND ENTER TO WIN A RESPECT T-SHIRT!

Comments (2) | by Courtney on May 31

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