• go to The Respect Institute

My parents don't trust or respect me. They seems to think that I must respect them at all times and that respect only goes one way. They yell at me, make consequences more severe than is necessary, and don't let me hang out with my guy friends who have long hair and wear black. How to I get them to respect me and get them to be trustworthy too?

Rx: You're right: Respect should be a two-way street in any relationship. One great way to create more trust with your parents, is to ask them some juicy questions...

Trust and respect are both very important in order to have a healthy relationship with anybody, especially your parents, that is why both you and your parents must work hard to obtain that. If you sit down and talk to your parents (make sure that it is the right time and place to do so) when you are both calm, you can let them know how you feel so they can start to get to you know better. This requires for both you and your parents to keep the communication flowing both directions. So don't let them do all the talking.

For example, ask them:
-What makes you concerned about my guy friends?
-Or what can I do to earn your trust?

Then make some requests about what you want. It never hurts to try! NOT in the heat of the moment, say something like:
-It hurts my feelings when you yell at me. How can we talk this out so we both feel good about it?

Also start to share more with them about your life—let them in. Their tough rules might be coming from a place of love AND fear. If you let them get to know you better, they might trust you more. Like, if you start talking to them about your day and how your friends treat you (with respect, of course!) or what you're passionate about.

Respectful communication takes a lot of time and hard work to establish, but if both your parents and you are willing to build a strong relationship it is definitely worth it!

Also, check out more advice on how to speak up here! and in the Family chapter of RESPECT.

COMMENTS: PLEASE SHARE YOUR "I CAN RELATE" STORIES BELOW AND ANY RESOURCES FOR TEENS WHO ARE IN THIS SITUATION. THANKS!

Comments (3) | by Courtney on September 26

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My dad is in jail for drugs. So much has happened to my family because of him. I want to forgive him but it's hard to go see him. I can't even think about him without crying. I still love him. What should I do?

Rx: First things first [LONG HUG]. One thing I haven't written about too much here, but that I talk to girls a lot about in person, is that I've been exactly where you are right now. My dad was in and out of jail a lot when I was growing up. Before I was born he also did a long stretch in federal prison. All of his arrests were connected to suffering from the disease of alcohol/drug addiction. My dad went through hell in his life—and my mom, me and my sibs got our share too because of it.

My first memory is of my mom holding me up as a human shield to try get my dad to stop beating her—possibly to stop from killing her. I remember that she was covered in blood and cowering on the bed into a corner. I remember the wild look in my father’s eyes as our eyes met. I think he was definately high. I was somewhere around 2-years-old. And my dad did stop. That time.

At the same time, my dad was a beautiful person. He was artistic and giving. He died when I was 25 and he was clean and sober by then. He loved me like nobody's business. If only he'd been loved the same way when he was kid, I'm not sure his life would have been so hard. It's a complicated cycle.

You love your dad. Yet, he's not there for you right now. So I know it hurts. I know you probably have waves of major anger. You can't control what your dad did or where he is now. You'll hopefully find your own path to forgiveness—I can offer that forgiving my dad helped me a lot. But for now: I encourage you to get help for yourself. Because you deserve it. Please take the steps to find a counselor in your area. And check out Alateen, a free, anonymous support group for kids and teens who are dealing with the family disease of addiction. If you're in California, check out Friends Outside for more support and resources. Or ask them for a referral to a similar org in your state. I also found this org: The Center for Children of Incarcerated Parents, which offers therapy and other resources. I like the rights listed here: read them.

Remember: Getting help is a Respect Basic. Have no shame about it. Just reach out. Mostly, don't give up on yourself. You don't have to be "locked up" too. You can express your feelings. You are your own person. You have a mission in life. You have passions. And you can heal. When you get help for yourself, what to do about your dad, whether to see him, etc. will reveal itself to you. You will know. For now, know you are not alone. And know that I am here for you. If you email me directly, we can talk more (courtney[at]respectrx[dot]com).
xoxoxo

COMMENTS: PLEASE SHARE YOUR "I CAN RELATE" STORIES BELOW AND ANY RESOURCES FOR TEENS WHO ARE IN THIS SITUATION. THANKS!

Comments (0) | by Courtney on March 11

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My dad always yells at me and calls me names. It really hurts my feelings but if I yell back I get in even more trouble. My mom doesn't do anything. What should I do?

Rx: First, [hug]. Second, I totally feel for you—I know that it really does hurt so much. What you're dad is doing is called "verbal abuse" and for most if us it leaves deep scars just like physical abuse. You just can't see the wounds as easily, right?

When our family put us down it seems to hurt more than anything in the world because we love them so much (and want them to love us). But the yelling and name-calling can make us feel just the opposite: Like no one loves us. And when this happens, a disrespect spiral starts that can pull you off course from reaching your potential in life. It's hard to make your dreams come true and to be the best you if you don't think you're worthy of love and respect.

So how do you deal when someone who is bigger than you, and has power over you, verbally abuses you? Try these steps to protect you and your self-respect:

Know you don't deserve it. You have a right to feel and be safe. No matter what goes down before your dad tears into you, it's not your fault. He's choosing to deal with his feelings, and probably abuse he suffered, by abusing you. You're not "making" him do it. From your family to loves/crushes to friends to your boss or teacher, **no one** has the right to abuse you. What they're saying isn't the truth about you. You don't (and never) deserve it.

Get help. When you feel ready (and I hope it's soon), tell someone in your life what's going on and how it's making you feel. Is there someone else in your family you can turn to? Can you tell your mom how it's hurting you? If so, ask her to step in and put a stop to what's happening or to sign your whole family up for counseling. Getting help by speaking up is brave. And it's better than what some girls end up doing when they feel like they have no options, like running away or turning to substances to numb the pain or abusing themselves in other ways.

If you can't talk to a friend, family member or trusted adult, please call a helpline. They will help you!

I know you're probably afraid that your dad will get in trouble. Still, you *are* loving your dad by taking care of you. If you get the help you need, lucky for him, there is a chance that he will get help too and you'll be able to forgive him down the line. But if he won't get it or won't stop, you still need to help yourself. A helpline can help you find out how to:
• deal with how the abuse is affecting you.
• take care of yourself.
• find safety (fyi, verbal abuse can escalate to physical abuse).
• take steps so you don't fall into abusive relationships in the future (like many victims of childhood abuse do).
• not become an abuser, too.
• heal and get ongoing support.

Girls being put down and hurt is not the norm any of us should settle for. Please ask for help. You are not alone and you deserve better!

Believe in you. It's true that when someone hurts you, you are weakened by the abuse, and so a lot of times it's harder to take care of and respect yourself. Sometimes you can't see any way out. In these moments, close your eyes and say to yourself: I don't deserve this. I deserve respect. I deserve love. Whatever you say, don't repeat the abuser's venom (NO saying: I'm stupid. I hate myself. I'm nothing. etc.).

And if you have that feeling inside like you want to fight back—do it.

I don't mean acting out violently or returning the insults. I mean, fight for your rights. To fight for your rights means to: get help and seek safety. To invest in your self-respect (like still going after your dreams and passions). To set boundaries (like not letting anyone else in your life—like a boyfriend—hurt your feelings, too). To know that you are *here* and you were meant to be: The world needs you to do your thing! To know that you deserve better. (And you do.)

So don't give up and don't stop seeking help.

Real Girl Monica went through something similar. She says if you feel comfortable, and your dad has heard you out in the past, also try talking to your dad. Remember, speaking up (when your gut says it's safe!) is a Respect Basic. Here's her advice:

I know it's very difficult to stay quiet when your dad is yelling at you. There are so many things you want to say yet if you say them you might get in trouble (believe me I know a thing or two about this). What is happening to you and your dad is exactly what I went through with my dad. What I learned about my dad is he is more understanding when he is in a good mood or calm. So my suggestion is that when you see him in a good mood, just sit down and talk to him. Tell him everything you feel when he yells at you. Tell him his words hurt you. Believe me he'll have second thoughts about hurting your feelings next time. It worked for me and my dad. I hope it works for you too.

MORE INFO>
RESPECT Chapter 9: Dealing with Abuse

Comments (0) | by Courtney on February 25

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The Huffington Post has launched an inspiring section, Fearless Voices, this month as part of its Mother-Daughter Campaign with iVillage. I've been loving the posts from women I've longed looked up to--from Rebecca Walker to Naomi Wolf--and finding new women and girls to add to the list. I'm also honored to be a part of the campaign! My mother's day card is here: What I Want For Girls, I Learned From My Mom (including the magic of sisterhood and hair rollers!). CHECK out cool pics of mom and me here:

Comments (0) | by Courtney on May 14

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My 13-year-old daugher is rude, mean and disrespectful to EVERYONE. She won't follow house rules and laughed off a class we took about family communication. She doesn't care about anyone else's feelings. I'm seriously at the point of wanting to disown her.

Rx: I can tell from your short note that you're frustrated and your daughter is probably angry. You both seem hurt. Even without knowing more details, I can offer you this: Don't give up on her. The world needs her to reach her potential (and the same goes for you).

Let's back up. No doubt, most teens are pulling away and asserting their independence. The problem for parents: Sometimes this comes off as straight-up rudeness or downright ugliness or all-out rebellion. (Oh, my mom could tell you some stories). Still, I have higher ambitions for your daughter and have seen teens be some of the most caring, giving humans on the planet. So we have room for growth here. Here are some next steps you can try to get on the path to mutual respect:

1. Get help
Getting help is a Respect Basic. It's great that you took a class together (even if she didn't go for it right away). Don't give up. Please seek out a family therapist in your area as well as someone your daughter can see on her own (many offer sliding scales). Your daughter sounds more than angst-y, she sounds angry. The question is: Why? If something has happened that's making her feel angry, she needs help asap. She needs a safe place to express herself and get support. Also, you need support. Do you have any unhealed wounds that you need to finally face so you can have the life you deserve and create respect in your family? Do you need help working through your anger at your daughter, too? Do you need more communication tools? A qualified family counselor can help you each work through your pain points, learn how to express anger in less damaging ways, learn how to take care of yourselves, and can help mediate so you can have conversations where you both feel heard and respected. Try the American Psychological Association, your family doctor or school guidance counselor for a referral.

2. Listen closely
It's tough that you're at the point of wanting to push your daughter away. But, please try to open up your heart to her again. Think of her as she was as a baby. She (as are you) is a loveable, amazing person. She's trying to find her voice and power. And though she seems to be doing it in a destructive way, one thing is clear: She needs you. She needs to feel your love. She needs to feel heard. She needs healthy boundaries. And she is still only 13—she is still a kid and she is still your responsibility. Think about what you've been through. Has anyone ever given up on you? What do you wish would have happened instead? Try to soften your walls if you can because she needs a soft place to fall right now. In fact, tell her you're not giving up on her because you love her and watch her face soften (even if it's microscopic) when you do. (See more speaking up tips here).

3. Make a pact
Obviously the communication is not respectful around your house these days. Without yelling or blowing up, start to cooperatively set the boundaries for how communication will go down in your house. Most important: set the tone and model respectful behavior for your daughter. Better yet start the conversation this way: ASK her how she wants to be treated, thinks she should treat others, and to come up with some family rules for respect that you can all discuss. This will boost her self-respect a bit and make her proud when you praise her ideas. Then really do discuss it and come up with some new standards together. Decide together what will happen when the Family Respect Pact is broken. Let her know you're going to work on improving too. It's probably not just her who needs to shape up, right? You should all be honest about how the disrespect has made you feel (say "I feel____when (this happens) and I want (state how things need to change)." Come to some agreements, but make clear that you are going to be a respect leader/role model in the house from now on and your boundaries are firm.

4. Trigger her passions
What does your daughter care about? What’s her secret talent? What does she love to do? What is she good at? Now is the time to explore her passions (or unearth them). Your daughter is drowning in negativity and she needs some positive feedback. And doing what you love—finding your bliss—helps respect grow on the inside. And that helps respect grow on the outside (as in respecting others more). Tap into her passions and tap into your praise for her. Even though you still aren't getting along well, can you start to spend time together doing new things that can build her confidence (and appreciation for your love and support)? Can she join an after-school program where she has no baggage and where she can start new, meet people, and build her skills and self-respect? Whatever she likes to do (or used to like to do) ENCOURAGE it with all you have.

I hope these ideas are a good start. Just remember: You and your daughter need each other—whether you can stand each other right now or not. And you are both worth endless investment on the self-respect front.

MORE INFO
RESPECT, Chapter 5: Family
http://www.coolcommunication.com

Comments (3) | by Courtney on October 16

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My almost 10-year-old daughter and I have a very close relationship. Recently she and I have begun yelling. Or rather, I'm yelling and she's being obnoxious and sassy. She has to have the last word on everything. It's usually in response to me asking her to pick up her shoes or something similar. Today it was: "I'm sorry I'm not perfect...I'm not like you!" Ooooooo. Then I yell at her to "Just do it!" So, its not feeling respectful. Any suggestions?

It sounds to me like you have a very intelligent daughter who is doing her best to establish her independence now (vs. waiting for her teen years). Am I right? My mom could surely sympathize. When I was a girl, I also found my voice at an early age:). The trouble was, my comments/views/observations also came with a dash or two (or 200) of sass. So many times, when my mom and I were "talking" sparks would fly! (And, uh, this occured during my first jobs, too, because I hadn't learned how to control my sass-fire).

As a busy parent, I'm sure you feel like you don't have a lot of wiggle room each day. Like when you want your daughter to her chores, I'm guessing you pretty much need it done now (without the back-talk, please!).

The thing is, the No. 1 way that girls tell me they feel respected is when people listen to them. Is it possible your daughter is really vying to be listened to more closely? Like, maybe what she really wants is your attention, or to have her feelings and opinions validated? Does she feel like she can't negotiate with you? My mom used to say, "It's my way or the highway!" and I definatley took that as a challenge. Or, if a lot of your interactions center around "taking care of business," she could be using those openings to lash out a bit or to try to gain some power.

To get the respect flowing again, you (and your daughter) can try a couple of things:

1. ENCOURAGE HER TO OPEN UP. When you're not in the heat of the moment, remind her that you are there for her if she ever needs to talk about *anything.* Let her know that when she needs you, you will always be there to listen (and then do make the time/space to do that).

2. SHARE YOUR TRUE FEELINGS. Clear the air about some of your recent run-ins. Try letting her know how your arguments are making you feel. And try to apologize for any behavior/harsh words that you regret. Don't wallow in guilt that you're doing things "wrong." If your daughter is like most girls I meet, an apology goes a LONG way and she'll be forgiving. Let her know that sometimes you have to set boundaries for her to protect her. Also, let her know that how you will remain close is if you both work on talking to each with more respect (and that you're willing to work on it with her).

3. SET THE TONE. Next, ask her how she thinks you two can talk to each other with more respect. She'll have a lot of great ideas. Then come up with a Respect Pact by talking about: What is our definition of respect? How will we respect each other? What will we do if conversation starts to turn into a fight? How can we make requests of each other that are clear but respectful? (See page 72 of RESPECT for more ideas). She'll be more likely to follow "respect rules" that she's taken the lead to set. Sign and post your Respect Pact on the fridge. Check in each day/week to ask each other how it's going and what is working and what you both still need to work on.

4. HIT THE PAUSE BUTTON. When things start to heat up between you two, model respect by taking a deep breath and trying your best to keep your cool. Let her know that you're going to take a 1- to 5-minute break to collect your thoughts (to try to avoid the yelling spiral). This can seem time consuming, but getting in a fight is a time-suck, too. If the disagreement is about a big tough topic, consider taking a longer break. Maybe you can both go back to your rooms and write a letter about how you feel and what you want (you can include this tactic in your Respect Pact).

5. TAKE INVENTORY. Another helpful exercise is to look at your communication style in all of your relationships. What's working? What's not? What needs to change? If you find areas where improvement is needed, take steps to add more respect to all your relationships (and share with your daughter why you did this and how it's making your life better). The good news is, you're her No. 1 role model across the board—including when it comes to speaking up and listening with respect.

No matter what, keep trying to build more mutual respect because you and your daughter deserve it. My mom and I are still working on it—she's still learning that she's not the boss of me and I'm still learning that sighs and eye-rolls aren't a legit form of communication!

Comments (1) | by Courtney on May 26

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Want to know the secret to getting along well with your friends, family and BF/GFs? It's all about R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

Now, a lot of people have different definitions of "respect." Some think you can demand respect, bully it out people, or that you have to be showed respect before you can give it. But actually, true respect starts on the inside. If you care about yourself, believe in yourself, and listen to yourself, you have the makings of some serious self-respect. And when you know how to respect yourself, you've got what it takes to make respect a basic in your relationships.

Knowing how to build mutual respect in relationships is super important. Because when it comes to respect you get what you give. Sometimes, though, disrespect rules relationships. Like when a friend spreads a rumor about you or makes fun of you all the time. Or if your mom loses her cool and yells at you to do your chores instead of just asking. Or when you slam your bedroom door or tell your brother to "shut up!" out of anger. Or often disrespect goes down when people simply don't listen to each other (sound familiar?).

Don't feel bad—all relationships have rough spots. There are times when you misunderstand each other and need to check in to keep things running smoothly. Conflicts can feel really uncomfortable but they actually make your friendships and families stronger if you’re all willing to work things out. If you don’t talk about what you need or when you're feelings are hurt, you risk growing further apart.

When tough stuff happens (even when you feel like you never want to talk to the person again!) speaking up is best way to get the respect flowing again. And to keep disrespect from taking over in the first place, be honest with friends and family members (respectfully, of course) about your boundaries and what needs to happen if your line has been crossed. The goal is to have a calm two-way conversation, where everyone gets a chance to have his or her say.

So the next time you need to deal with common disrespect dilemmas—or want to prevent disrespect from taking over your relationships—keep these 10 Rules in mind so you say what you mean, instead of something you’ll regret:

Rule #1: Think ahead of time about what you’re going to say to your friend or family member. What’s bothering you? What happened? How did it make you feel? What would make things better? Before you state your case, think about what you want and why. Say it in your mind first, so it comes out the way you want it to. If you’re nervous, try writing this stuff down and then rehearsing it out-loud in front of the mirror.

Rule #2: Pick a good time. For instance, you don’t want to talk about a hot-button subject with your dad when he just got home from a tough day at work, was stuck in traffic, and now has to fix dinner. And you especially don’t want to start in when you just got busted for something or didn’t fulfill an obligation. If you can, also try not to confront your friends or family members in front of other people. Instead, find a place that feels safe and private. Ask them when they're free to talk in private (but see #9 for an exception to this rule.)

Rule #3: Watch your body language. If your hands are on your hips and you’re sighing, rolling your eyes, pointing fingers, or stomping around, the conversation can quickly turn into an argument.

Rule #4: Focus on how you feel (not on all the things the person has done wrong), so he or she will hear you out instead of getting defensive. Don’t use phrases like that will put your friend/family member on the defensive, like “You always ______!” or “You never ______!” Instead, be specific about what’s bothering you and what you want to change. Like, “I feel ______ when you make comments about my weight. It makes me self-conscious, and I need you to stop.”

Rule #5: Be assertive, which means using a strong, confident voice and making eye contact. Your feelings and needs are important. You want to make sure your boundaries are clear—that the person knows how you feel and what you want. But then be prepared to talk it out and even negotiate a solution.

Rule #6: Make sure you're both tuned in. If it seems like the person isn’t listening to you (like your mom is looking down), or seems uncomfortable (your friend is furrowing his brow), ask a question to loosen things up. Try, “Do you want to talk about this later?” or “How do you feel about things?" If they get defensive, ask them if they'd like more time to think about what you’ve said. Offer to talk about it again later when they're ready.

Rule #7: Listen, too. During a conflict, it often helps to listen more than you talk. When your parents or friends are responding, try not to think only about your next comeback. To show respect, make eye contact and show respect by letting them finish. Don’t interrupt, because if you do, they’ll think you’re not really listening. And let them know they were heard. Try, “I hear what you’re saying. You’re worried about how I spend my time on the weekends.” Or "I didn't know you felt that way, now I understand."

Rule #8: Try to stay calm. During conflicts, most people start showing signs of stress (faster breathing, a pounding heart). This may sound too easy, but right when you feel yourself getting upset, try to focus on your breathing. Even if you still feel your heart racing, the extra oxygen you’re sucking in actually helps your entire body calm down. If your feelings overwhelm you and you start to cry or get really angry, just say you need a minute or ask the person if you can talk again later.

Rule #9: Ask for help. If the friend or family member you’re in conflict with happens to rule your clique or has intimidated you in the past, you might feel more confident if you have someone else close by for support. Your supporter can stand near you, or within earshot, so she can step in if the conversation gets loud or you’re physically threatened. Or you may want to ask the person to help clear up the misunderstanding (like your mom might be able to help out if the conflict is with a sibling) so you can all get back on the path to respect safely.

Rule #10: End the conversation in a way you both feel good about. If your friend or family member says she’s sorry, try to accept her apology gracefully and don’t hold things against her later on. Thank her for listening and let her know that you really appreciate the way she handled herself. Set some joint ground rules for how you'll treat each other in the future.

Creating respect in your relationships does take time and effort. But it's worth it because building strong relationships makes you stronger! Remember, boundaries aren't about keeping people out, they're about letting people in. So know how you want to be treated. And then treat yourself, your friends and family members how you want to be treated. That's Respect 101.

Adapted from RESPECT: A Girl's Guide to Getting Respect & Dealing When Your Line Is Crossed. Copyright © 2005, Courtney Macavinta and Andrea Vander Pluym. For use with permission from Free Spirit Publishing. For more information, contact Amy Dillahunt, 612-338-2068, dillahunt@freespirit.com. Illustration by Catherine LePage © Free Spirit Publishing Inc. 2005.

Comments (0) | by Courtney on May 12

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I have this good guy friend who my parents don't like. They have requested that I don't talk to or see this guy. I don't want to forget about him, but I don't want my parents mad at me either. So what should I do?

Rx: When I was a young*er* woman, sadly I was often the friend who parents wanted to background check (I swear, that's changed!). So I know that sometimes, people get a bad rap. Still, I can tell you respect your parents because you actually care what they think. And that's going to carry you far when negotiating about your friendship with The Guy.

For starters do some more digging around and find out why your parents aren't into The Guy. Are they judging him unfairly based on where he comes from or how he looks? Or did you break a rule *together* and now they're blaming him? Get to the truth. Ask your parents what's up when you're not upset. (Use these tips to get the conversation going.)

Here's a secret: Listen more than you talk. Act like Oprah and ask your parents probing questions like: I understand you don’t want me hanging around The Guy, can you tell me more about your concerns? What about him makes you worry? Did he disrespect you in some way? Are there any reasons you don't trust me right now?

Then think about your friendship. Is The Guy is good for you? Do you have mutual respect for one another? Is he the kinda of friend who makes you want to be a better person? Does he accept you? If not, do your parents have a point? On the other hand, if you said "yes" to every question, go back to your parents and explain what he means to you. Ask for their trust in *you* (because you only plan on surrounding yourself with self-respecting people, right?). Set some new boundaries together. Like can he come over and hang out while your parents are home so they can get to know him better?

And keep your promises: Like if you two crossed some line that is not cool with your parents, make sure they know that you won't do it again. Keep negotiating until your parents feel comfortable and the trust and respect is booming again.

More Rx from Real Girl Serar: The same thing happened to me once. Two years ago I was very close with this guy from school. He was a really good friend of mine and we would spend hours talking on the phone each day. I think it was because my parents were afraid that I’d start liking him and my crush would take over that they didn’t really want me to be around him much. They had never met him, but already were quick to pass judgment. I basically never got to see him and would stop talking about him completely so I wouldn’t have to hear about it each time. It was painful, but our friendship never faded. That summer he moved to California and we’ve been close ever since.

I think that when you reach a certain age, you are old enough to decide who you want to/will be friends with. So your parents can’t always tell you who you’re going to like or not, or what you’re going to do with your life. If your friend means a lot to you, stick to your heart but also listen to what you’re gut tells you. Sometimes we can act blindly when we’re too caught up with someone.

When it comes to respecting your parents' wishes, think about the fact that they always have your best interest in mind. When you’re ready to talk to your parents about your friend, remember that for them to trust your judgment they need to see the most important thing ever: maturity. Talking about how mature you are is one thing, but what really matters is when you practice what you preach. Show them you can balance your social life with your other priorities, show them you’re ready to be an adult, and they’ll show you the respect you deserve.

Comments (2) | by Courtney on March 10

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WEB SITES + ORGS
http://www.motherlessdaughtersbiz.com is a support group for girls and women who've lost their mothers based on Hope Edelman's amazing book Motherless Daughters: The Legacy of Loss.

The Children's Rights Council
301-559-3120
www.gocrc.com
This national organization helps kids have meaningful and safe contact with both parents and extended family.
GirlMom
www.girlmom.com
Community forums, articles, and encourage-ment for teen moms.

Stepfamily Network
www.stepfamily.net
Get support and advice on dealing with stepparents.

BOOKS
Bradshaw On: The Family
by John Bradshaw
This is considered one of the most classic books for understanding family dynamics and ways that we're affected by our upbringing. The author hosted a feature series on PBS on the subject.

Bringing Up Parents: The Teenager's Handbook
by Alex J. Packer
Tips for how teens can resolve conflicts, create trust, and improve their relationships with parents.

Cool Communication: From Conflict to Cooperation for Parents and Kids
by Andrea Frank Henkart and Journey Henkart
A mother and her teen daughter write about keeping it real with great communication skills. This is a must-have book if you want to have a mutually respectful relationship with your parents. You can also visit their Web site at www.coolcommunication.com.

Dads and Daughters: How to Inspire, Understand, and Support Your Daughter
by Joe Kelly
If your dad isn't spending enough time with you or you just aren't relating, you'll both appreciate this book. Or, check out the Web site at: www.dadsanddaughters.org.

Daughters: The Newsletter for Parents of Girls
www.daughters.com
Tell your parents about this Web site, where they can sign up to receive a bi-monthly newsletter that features tips for how to raise strong, self-confident daughters.

How Rude! Handbook Of Family Manners For Teens
by Alex J. Packer
This book has tips to help you show your family members respect and keep the peace.

The Grieving Teen: A Guide for Teenagers and Their Friends
by Helen Fitzgerald
This book includes FAQs that teens have about grief, followed by a What You Can Do section. The topics covered include death from AIDS, post-traumatic stress disorder, Internet support, and more.

llustration by Catherine LePage © Free Spirit Publishing Inc. 2005

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