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RESPECT co-author, Courtney Macavinta, blogs for girls and women about how to build your self-respect and spread respect for all! At The Respect Institute she teaches people of all ages how to integrate The Respect Basics into their lives, work and advocacy. More about About Courtney

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respectrx
Abuse + Harm + Violence, Family, Girls

My Dad Is In Jail

Dilemma

My dad is in jail for drugs. So much has happened to my family because of him. I want to forgive him but it's hard to go see him. I can't even think about him without crying. I still love him. What should I do?

Rx: First things first [LONG HUG]. One thing I haven't written about too much here, but that I talk to girls a lot about in person, is that I've been exactly where you are right now. My dad was in and out of jail a lot when I was growing up. Before I was born he also did a long stretch in federal prison. All of his arrests were connected to suffering from the disease of alcohol/drug addiction. My dad went through hell in his life—and my mom, me and my sibs got our share too because of it.

My first memory is of my mom holding me up as a human shield to try get my dad to stop beating her—possibly to stop from killing her. I remember that she was covered in blood and cowering on the bed into a corner. I remember the wild look in my father’s eyes as our eyes met. I think he was definately high. I was somewhere around 2-years-old. And my dad did stop. That time.

At the same time, my dad was a beautiful person. He was artistic and giving. He died when I was 25 and he was clean and sober by then. He loved me like nobody's business. If only he'd been loved the same way when he was kid, I'm not sure his life would have been so hard. It's a complicated cycle.

You love your dad. Yet, he's not there for you right now. So I know it hurts. I know you probably have waves of major anger. You can't control what your dad did or where he is now. You'll hopefully find your own path to forgiveness—I can offer that forgiving my dad helped me a lot. But for now: I encourage you to get help for yourself. Because you deserve it. Please take the steps to find a counselor in your area. And check out Alateen, a free, anonymous support group for kids and teens who are dealing with the family disease of addiction. If you're in California, check out Friends Outside for more support and resources. Or ask them for a referral to a similar org in your state. I also found this org: The Center for Children of Incarcerated Parents, which offers therapy and other resources. I like the rights listed here: read them.

Remember: Getting help is a Respect Basic. Have no shame about it. Just reach out. Mostly, don't give up on yourself. You don't have to be "locked up" too. You can express your feelings. You are your own person. You have a mission in life. You have passions. And you can heal. When you get help for yourself, what to do about your dad, whether to see him, etc. will reveal itself to you. You will know. For now, know you are not alone. And know that I am here for you. If you email me directly, we can talk more (courtney[at]respectrx[dot]com).
xoxoxo

COMMENTS: PLEASE SHARE YOUR "I CAN RELATE" STORIES BELOW AND ANY RESOURCES FOR TEENS WHO ARE IN THIS SITUATION. THANKS!
 

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<< Previous: Girls Rock! The Movie | Next:5 Ways Girls Can Be Leaders >>