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Feeling the need for more respect in your life? Join the club. No, really—join the club! Lots of teen girls we've met are starting Respect Rx Groups at their schools and within their communities and you can too.

A Respect Rx Group is an empowerment group led by girls for girls. It's like a book club-meets-dish session where girls can just be real, share and get support from each other. It's all about getting and giving total respect while working together to change your world—inside AND out!

Keeping reading to find out how to start your own Respect Rx Group! We also have a RESPECT Book Club just for mothers and daughters.

Some suggestions for getting started:

Step No. 1: Find an adult woman sponsor. Ask a trusted woman to sponsor your group to ensure that you feel safe and have someone to turn to for resources and support.

• Ask a parent, teacher or guidance counselor, for example.

• Your sponsor should *not* run the group, but hang out as an observer.

• You can invite her to participate in discussions—it’s up to the group.

• If you need her support or advice, she should stay after to talk with you.

Step No. 2: Create a Respect Pact. Once you have a sponsor, and decide when and where you’ll meet, invite girls for the first group. Get a copy of RESPECT before the first meeting. If you can’t afford one, have each girl pitch in $1 or borrow a copy from you local library. In the first meeting, design your Respect Pact. Read your Respect Pact at the beginning of *every* meeting before you start. These are the agreements you’ll make together about:

How you’ll run the group meetings (such as how you’ll begin and end).

• How you’ll show each other respect. What you’ll do if the pact is not respected.

• How you’ll rotate leadership tasks (see below).

• How you want your sponsor to support the group, like stepping in to facilitate a dialogue if the Respect Pact is broken.

• What resources you’ll use in the meeting, such as trusted helplines or other books besides RESPECT.

• Any other respect rules, like turning off cell phones during the meeting. Two rules that should be in every pact:

1. What is said here, let it stay here (the no gossip rule).

2. No advice during Shares. Each girl should have a set time to share and you shouldn’t give each other advice—just listen. Know that each girl has the solutions inside of her and don't try to fix each other. The #1 way girls say they feel respected is when people listen to them. So try that first.

Step No. 3: Rotate leadership each meeting. Respect Rx Groups are led by and for girls, but there should be no set leader or officers. Always rotate roles at each meeting. At the end of each meeting, decide who will be the Secretary for the next meeting. The secretary reads the Respect Pact and Your Rights and calls on girls for “shares.” She can also pick the passage from RESPECT that you’ll focus on for the meeting. Decide on other roles you’d like for the group.

Step No. 4: Try the sample meeting format. Here’s one suggested way to set up a 1-hour group:

• Set up the chairs in a circle.

• Have the Secretary read the Respect Pact.

• Take turns reading a section from RESPECT. After a girl reads, she can share how the topic relates to her life, or about anything respect-related that’s on her mind. Each share should be 3 or 4 minutes.

• Once every girl has read and shared, do an activity together from the section of the book you’re focusing on. It might be a group activity or a quiet journaling activity—or you can agree to do it before the next meeting on your own. In the next meeting, you can share your journaling assignments.

• Close the meeting by reading Your Rights together.

• Hang out afterwards to get extra support—including from your sponsor!

Disclaimer: Respect Rx Groups are not governed, monitored or overseen by Respect Rx LLC. This is a suggested way to spread RESPECT. Go for it!

Comments (0) | by Courtney on June 6

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Check out the article Gossip Girls (page 234) in the March issue of Teen Vogue. I dish some advice about why we gossip and how to give it up!

Comments (0) | by Courtney on February 13

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The Huffington Post has launched an inspiring section, Fearless Voices, this month as part of its Mother-Daughter Campaign with iVillage. I've been loving the posts from women I've longed looked up to--from Rebecca Walker to Naomi Wolf--and finding new women and girls to add to the list. I'm also honored to be a part of the campaign! My mother's day card is here: What I Want For Girls, I Learned From My Mom (including the magic of sisterhood and hair rollers!). CHECK out cool pics of mom and me here:

Comments (0) | by Courtney on May 14

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I have tried to get in with this group of girls, but they don't really seem to like me as much as they do my best friend, "Samantha." She's already in with this group of girls, and she is distancing herself from me even more. She really wants in with them so she can belong somewhere, but she's forgetting that I have the same desire too. I have a few good friends, but I feel like I need Samantha because she has been there for me through tough times and so have I for her. Plus I want to be loved by a lot of people. I feel like a total outcast for not belonging anywhere and I think something is wrong with me for not belonging anywhere, even though I'm generous, thoughtful, kind and friendly.

Rx: There is nothing wrong with wanting to belong. Trust me, we ALL want and need to belong. I remember in 5th grade my BF found a new clique and it killed me—I was the odd girl out for a few months. I thought “What’s wrong with me?” When I realized I was still a cool person with a lot to offer, I got up the nerve to approach new people. I meet a new group of girls who totally *got* me (and my old friends and I reunited too after some forgiveness went down). So here are some steps you can take to find your people and keep your friendship with Samantha going strong:

1. Keep remembering that you’re a great friend (and person). Right now, you’re understandably feeling down because you’re being left out of Samantha’s new group. So this is a perfect time to boost your confidence by giving yourself props (like you did above). You DO have a lot to offer. Take time each day to do at least one thing that you’re passionate about or that makes you proud of yourself. Keep practicing treating people how you want to be treated. Write in your journal about what makes you a good friend and what you’re looking for in friends. This will help you feel stronger in being who you really are. It will also help you find more people to connect with who will LOVE you for you. Samantha and her new friends might not know what they're missing. But if they are leaving you out, it's because of something going on with them. It’s not that anything is wrong with you.

2. Speak up with your BF. It’s good that you are so understanding about Samantha’s desire to fit in. But your needs are important too. Respectful friendships come from having honest heart-to-hearts. (Check out the 10 Tips for Speaking Up here.) Let Samantha know if you’re hurt. Start the conversation with saying how you feel and what you want to change but don’t bag on her, like: I feel sad that we no longer hang out. I know that you have new friends and I’m happy for you. But I’d love it if we could still take our weekly trip to the mall together. Then see what she says. If Samantha decides not to make time for you, it will surely still hurt. She might be scared to stand strong in her self-respect or to do what she wants to do or she might have more things in common with this new group. If Samantha and her friends actually start to be mean to you, try this.

This can be SUPER scary, but if she no longer wants to be friends, at some point, ask her why. If she’s caring about her answer, it might give you some helpful feedback about some things you might change in your other friendships. Or her answer might be thin and you can take it or leave it. No matter what her reasons, remind yourself about your boundaries: If a friend is blowing you off, how does that work for you? You don’t have to grovel for scraps. You can create friendships that are 50-50 and that make you feel stronger and supported, not insecure.

3. Branch out. While you’re still working things out with Samantha, don’t isolate no matter how sad you’re feeling. Now is the time to get out there. Start deepening the bonds with your other friends. Can you join an after-school program where you can meet new girls from all over your town? Can you volunteer somewhere with other girls or guys? Can you take a risk and join a school club on your own to meet new people who have something in common with you? Is there a group that can match you with an inspiring mentor? Think about: What do I care about? How do I want to change my world? What sounds fun? And then go out and do it! You will boost your self-respect because you’re having courage and following your passions (or finding new ones). This way, you’ll start to make new friends from all walks of life. You and Samantha can still hang out, but you’ll have other people to lean on too. Plus, you’ll be getting more comfortable in your own skin and letting your inner bling shine—this is SO attractive to other people. They want to see and know the real you! (And that’s what you want too, right?)

4. Keep soul-searching. When friendships end or change, it’s OK to mourn. You have lost something. Be honest with yourself about how you feel. Take care of you. Let the tears flow if you need to. Eat, sleep, take walks, talk to a family member who will actually listen! Write in your journal. But whatever you do, don’t stop believing that you are a fantabulous person who deserves “L-O-L-O-L-O-V-E”:)

MORE INFO
Check out RESPECT Chapter 6: Friends for more tips on how make your friendships bubble over with respect (and what to do when they don’t).

Comments (0) | by Courtney on September 27

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First, my bestfriend started going out with my ex. I let it go. Then I met a new guy, and she started cheating with him behind my back. What should I say to my new guy? What should I say to my friend?

Rx: Don’t you mean former friend ? No seriously, let’s talk about the friend first.

I admit: When I was in high school I messed around with a few guys who had girlfriends. I was insecure and didn't have strong boundaries yet. I wasn’t being honest with myself about a lot of things. I was taking scraps of lust (not love) instead of investing in myself. And I was hurting other girls in the process. I can safely say: Your friend is in serious trouble on the inside if she is doing this to you.

But, you need to respect yourself first. So set some boundaries with her. Relationships are built on trust. You can't trust her. Not with your men, but with your heart. She’s not respecting your friendship. Don’t spread rumors about her or cut her down or even cut her off. But do tell her that she hurt you and that you can’t hang around people who hurt you. Let her know that you know she can be a better person and can treat herself better (cheating doesn’t make you feel good deep down).

In your own time, you can think about forgiving her (but it doesn’t mean you need to be friends again). Next, think about what kinds of friends you want to hang with from now on. What kinds of friends would reflect your respect on the inside? How will you treat them? How will they treat you? Picture what this looks like to you: A relationship that’s loaded with respect, trust, and really liking each other for who you are. Speaking up when you hurt each other or have misunderstandings. Listening to each other and really trying to do better when disrespect has gone down.

As for the guy, if you haven’t already, set the same boundary with him. It's called: breaking up. Say something like: You really hurt me. I don’t give my heart to people who lie to me and hurt me. I’m moving on.

Real Girl Serar has some true-blue advice too: Looks to me like both your boyfriend and "friend" are disrespecting you. You deserve more than that, and looks like you already know what to do. Get on the phone and dump this guy. He’s definitely not worth your time! Respect yourself enough to choose the right people to hang around, people who care about you. Your "friend" may be a great person to hang out with, but it sounds like she’s more interested in her needs than yours. Good luck, girl!!

MORE INFO
See the Friends and Relationships chapters in RESPECT for more on breaking up and how to figure out healthy relationship/friendship rules. Or check out more tips here and here.

Comments (0) | by Courtney on September 1

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A growing number of young women today are in a constant identity struggle to be viewed as both the hot, desired girl as well as the successful, independent woman, according to a recent study conducted in the U.S. and Canada by global market-research firm Synovate.

Rx: This is exactly what girls told us when we were writing RESPECT, and a struggle we point to again and again in the book. Girls are told they can be anything they want to be. BUT to be “successful” “liked” “wanted” they are also given constant prescriptions about how to package themselves (mostly as objects of desire and the picture of perfection). This mixed message—expectation—does one thing: It distracts young women from living a passion-filled life and reaching their true potential. Am I right, girls?

This latest study of women aged 16 to 25 found they are stressing about the following stuff:

70% said they are not happy with their body.

38% said that they would get plastic surgery if they had the money.

61% said that their biggest fear is not finding a career they love.

69% feel it is important that they make a lot of money when they are older.

39% believe they are growing up too fast.

The report goes on to say:

The need to be attractive through external reinforcement from peers and society is in constant struggle with the need to feel competent and independent through self/internal reinforcement.

Surprisingly, being young doesn't have the same appeal to these women as it used to. The high levels of stress young women are facing in their twenties is causing the majority of them to actually look forward to their thirties in the hopes that they will have what they want out of life by then.

This intense need to live a perfect life can also destroy their ability to accept failure.

I find it promising that some young women look forward to being 30-something and hopefully being old enough to know better. So what do we want young women to know? And what do we big sisters need to show? I say this:

* Organizing your entire life, thoughts, spending, goals, and dreams around maintaining a certain body or beauty ideal weakens girl power. As investments go, over time this strategy will leave you feeling bankrupt and ripped off.

* Real fulfillment comes from: Caring about yourself. Appreciating your uniqueness. Respecting your needs. Exploring your passions. Helping others. Contributing. Questioning anything that doesn’t feel right. Believing in and supporting other women. Learning from rejection and mistakes and moving on. Not seeing yourself as above or below anyone else. Knowing you’re here, you’re special, and you’re in charge of your experience and choices. Doing what you know you should do.

* Getting help is a good thing. When you’re worried about the future, how to succeed, or are struggling with your body image and self-care—ask for help. Talk to a big sister, mentor, mom, aunt, boss, teacher. Call a hotline if you’re really hurting. We’ve all been there. Nobody does this life thing alone. The key to success for any woman? Full-tilt sisterhood.

* Tell the truth. To compete with each other is to lie to each other. We keep up false impressions. We hide who we really are. We buy things we can’t afford. We act smarter than each other. We pretend we don’t bleed. For girls and women to reach their potential, we need to be free to be who we really are. We need to be OK with not being perfect and not being 100% together all the time. Instead of making each other feel inadequate (subtly or not), let’s show and tell each other the REAL truth: We all have what we need on the inside—creativity, love, resourcefulness, strength, peace, confidence, empathy, super-sonic intelligence, and a mission in life. Trust me, it’s true.

Comments (0) | by Courtney on August 11

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My daughter is 10-years-old and is starting to encounter various forms of disrespect from girlfriends (i.e. not talking to her over something trivial, accusing her of something she did not do or making her move a bus seat on a field trip). She is a sweet girl and sensitive too. Some of these interactions lead to tears. How can she protect herself in these relationships, while keeping her sweet nature and self-esteem in check?

I love that you are so tuned into your daughter's true heart—and what's going on in her friendships. Now, here are 4 Friendship Respect Basics you can pass on to your daughter:

1. Be yourself. It takes courage to be yourself, but the risk is worth the reward. Encourage your daughter to stay true to herself and not shy away from what makes her unique, special, and a good friend. Her TRUE friends in life will want her to be herself, too. Ask: How do true friends treat each other? How can you be yourself around your friends?

2. Speak up. Even if you tend to be shy, the secret to great friendships and mutual respect is being able to speak up. And that means everyone can speak up about what feels right or wrong to them. So help your daughter practice setting boundaries. Go through common disrespect dilemmas she might be going through with friends, and have *her* think of what might be a respectful boundary to set. I work with teen girls every week and I find it's best to ask them open-ended questions like, "What would you say to your friend if she dis-invited you to a party?" And their answers (and boundaries) are so right on, like "I'd let her know that it hurt my feelings and ask what was going on. I'd tell her if we're going to stay close friends, we have to talk problems out, not just ignore each other." Ask: What would you do or say if friend did (fill in the blank)?

3. You get what you give. Talk to your daughter about what makes a good friend, how does she treat her friends to show them care and respect, and are there any cases in which she regretted how she treated a friend? Talk through these dilemmas, so she can explore how she is/will be a true friend to others. Her standards for how she'll treat people will help her expect the same in return. Ask: How can we show our friends we care about and respect them?

4. Find your peeps. I've found that girls who join leadership/empowerment/confidence-building after-school programs have stronger more respectful friendships. And the girls are stronger for it, too. Encourage your daughter to make friends outside of school or your neighborhood by joining a girl-focused org. This way she can practice forming strong bonds and friendship "rules" in a mentor-guided, nurturing environment (sometimes this sisterhood stuff falls in between the cracks at school). Ask: What are some activities you'd like to try after school for fun, to learn new stuff or to meet new friends?

>MORE INFO
RESPECT
Check out the Friendship chapter and our Sisterhood Pact on page 93.

Comments (0) | by Courtney on July 12

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Girls and women have long come up with cute, sisterly pet names for one another. But do bitch, bi-yatch, slut or ho fall into the category of terms of endearment or back-handed disses?

Here's what I think: How girls and women think and talk about and treat themselves shows the world how we want the world to think and talk about and treat us. And let's be honest, when a friend says: "You bitch (ha, ha, ha)..." there is always a tinge of bitchiness behind it. Maybe this is why parents and girl advocates have been asking me: Does language matter? The answer: How can it not? Certain not-so-choice language has long been weapon No. 1 when it comes to disrespecting and degrading people.

So is it OK for women and girls to call each other negative names even it's just a joke, or done "to take back the power" of the insult? I believe in free speech for all, but calling each other these names just doesn't smell like sisterhood to me. If you have a young woman in your life who you'd like to encourage to speak to herself and other girls with less bite—and more respect—try these tips (and take them to heart yourself):

Put it in context. Talk to your daughter/young women about topics such as women’s history, sexism, racism, and intolerance. Let her know how derogatory names have been used historically to repress and degrade people. Watch a movie on this topic and discuss it together. Describe emotional and verbal abuse, and talk about how insults such as “bitch” and “whore” are used to hurt females.

Foster self-respect. Help your daughter value and respect herself by not letting anyone—including herself—put her down. Teach her how to set boundaries and speak up when her line is crossed.

Promote sisterhood. Tell her that when one girl is put down, slammed, or held back, all girls are hurt. Foster a spirit of sisterhood in your daughters by discouraging them from competing with and harming other girls. Give them tips for shutting down the rumor mill—such as setting a boundary with the instigator—when a girl is being targeted with a “slut” rumor.

Ask questions. Ask her what message it sends to guys when girls put each other down. Note that words have power even when they are used in jest. Help them come up with other clever names for their girlfriends that are endearing, not hurtful.

Set the tone. Don’t allow anyone in your home to degrade women or girls. And don’t use the words yourself—ever.

Set the rules. From the Internet to the dinner table, make your boundaries clear for acceptable language under your roof. And think of a creative punishment when the line is crossed, like having your daughter volunteer with an organization that is fighting for equality or against hate crimes and the mistreatment of people.

Spread respect at school. Encourage your daughter/young women to spread respect at her school by making sure the sexual harassment rules are being enforced, setting up respect contracts in her classes, not tolerating disrespectful treatment of girls, and reporting all harassment.

Read more of my tips in the May issue of Daughters.

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT WOMEN OR GIRLS CALLING EACH OTHER BITCH, HO, OR SLUT? Is this is a case of friend or foe? COMMENT BELOW AND ENTER TO WIN A RESPECT T-SHIRT!

Comments (2) | by Courtney on May 31

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Want to know the secret to getting along well with your friends, family and BF/GFs? It's all about R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

Now, a lot of people have different definitions of "respect." Some think you can demand respect, bully it out people, or that you have to be showed respect before you can give it. But actually, true respect starts on the inside. If you care about yourself, believe in yourself, and listen to yourself, you have the makings of some serious self-respect. And when you know how to respect yourself, you've got what it takes to make respect a basic in your relationships.

Knowing how to build mutual respect in relationships is super important. Because when it comes to respect you get what you give. Sometimes, though, disrespect rules relationships. Like when a friend spreads a rumor about you or makes fun of you all the time. Or if your mom loses her cool and yells at you to do your chores instead of just asking. Or when you slam your bedroom door or tell your brother to "shut up!" out of anger. Or often disrespect goes down when people simply don't listen to each other (sound familiar?).

Don't feel bad—all relationships have rough spots. There are times when you misunderstand each other and need to check in to keep things running smoothly. Conflicts can feel really uncomfortable but they actually make your friendships and families stronger if you’re all willing to work things out. If you don’t talk about what you need or when you're feelings are hurt, you risk growing further apart.

When tough stuff happens (even when you feel like you never want to talk to the person again!) speaking up is best way to get the respect flowing again. And to keep disrespect from taking over in the first place, be honest with friends and family members (respectfully, of course) about your boundaries and what needs to happen if your line has been crossed. The goal is to have a calm two-way conversation, where everyone gets a chance to have his or her say.

So the next time you need to deal with common disrespect dilemmas—or want to prevent disrespect from taking over your relationships—keep these 10 Rules in mind so you say what you mean, instead of something you’ll regret:

Rule #1: Think ahead of time about what you’re going to say to your friend or family member. What’s bothering you? What happened? How did it make you feel? What would make things better? Before you state your case, think about what you want and why. Say it in your mind first, so it comes out the way you want it to. If you’re nervous, try writing this stuff down and then rehearsing it out-loud in front of the mirror.

Rule #2: Pick a good time. For instance, you don’t want to talk about a hot-button subject with your dad when he just got home from a tough day at work, was stuck in traffic, and now has to fix dinner. And you especially don’t want to start in when you just got busted for something or didn’t fulfill an obligation. If you can, also try not to confront your friends or family members in front of other people. Instead, find a place that feels safe and private. Ask them when they're free to talk in private (but see #9 for an exception to this rule.)

Rule #3: Watch your body language. If your hands are on your hips and you’re sighing, rolling your eyes, pointing fingers, or stomping around, the conversation can quickly turn into an argument.

Rule #4: Focus on how you feel (not on all the things the person has done wrong), so he or she will hear you out instead of getting defensive. Don’t use phrases like that will put your friend/family member on the defensive, like “You always ______!” or “You never ______!” Instead, be specific about what’s bothering you and what you want to change. Like, “I feel ______ when you make comments about my weight. It makes me self-conscious, and I need you to stop.”

Rule #5: Be assertive, which means using a strong, confident voice and making eye contact. Your feelings and needs are important. You want to make sure your boundaries are clear—that the person knows how you feel and what you want. But then be prepared to talk it out and even negotiate a solution.

Rule #6: Make sure you're both tuned in. If it seems like the person isn’t listening to you (like your mom is looking down), or seems uncomfortable (your friend is furrowing his brow), ask a question to loosen things up. Try, “Do you want to talk about this later?” or “How do you feel about things?" If they get defensive, ask them if they'd like more time to think about what you’ve said. Offer to talk about it again later when they're ready.

Rule #7: Listen, too. During a conflict, it often helps to listen more than you talk. When your parents or friends are responding, try not to think only about your next comeback. To show respect, make eye contact and show respect by letting them finish. Don’t interrupt, because if you do, they’ll think you’re not really listening. And let them know they were heard. Try, “I hear what you’re saying. You’re worried about how I spend my time on the weekends.” Or "I didn't know you felt that way, now I understand."

Rule #8: Try to stay calm. During conflicts, most people start showing signs of stress (faster breathing, a pounding heart). This may sound too easy, but right when you feel yourself getting upset, try to focus on your breathing. Even if you still feel your heart racing, the extra oxygen you’re sucking in actually helps your entire body calm down. If your feelings overwhelm you and you start to cry or get really angry, just say you need a minute or ask the person if you can talk again later.

Rule #9: Ask for help. If the friend or family member you’re in conflict with happens to rule your clique or has intimidated you in the past, you might feel more confident if you have someone else close by for support. Your supporter can stand near you, or within earshot, so she can step in if the conversation gets loud or you’re physically threatened. Or you may want to ask the person to help clear up the misunderstanding (like your mom might be able to help out if the conflict is with a sibling) so you can all get back on the path to respect safely.

Rule #10: End the conversation in a way you both feel good about. If your friend or family member says she’s sorry, try to accept her apology gracefully and don’t hold things against her later on. Thank her for listening and let her know that you really appreciate the way she handled herself. Set some joint ground rules for how you'll treat each other in the future.

Creating respect in your relationships does take time and effort. But it's worth it because building strong relationships makes you stronger! Remember, boundaries aren't about keeping people out, they're about letting people in. So know how you want to be treated. And then treat yourself, your friends and family members how you want to be treated. That's Respect 101.

Adapted from RESPECT: A Girl's Guide to Getting Respect & Dealing When Your Line Is Crossed. Copyright © 2005, Courtney Macavinta and Andrea Vander Pluym. For use with permission from Free Spirit Publishing. For more information, contact Amy Dillahunt, 612-338-2068, dillahunt@freespirit.com. Illustration by Catherine LePage © Free Spirit Publishing Inc. 2005.

Comments (0) | by Courtney on May 12

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I have this good guy friend who my parents don't like. They have requested that I don't talk to or see this guy. I don't want to forget about him, but I don't want my parents mad at me either. So what should I do?

Rx: When I was a young*er* woman, sadly I was often the friend who parents wanted to background check (I swear, that's changed!). So I know that sometimes, people get a bad rap. Still, I can tell you respect your parents because you actually care what they think. And that's going to carry you far when negotiating about your friendship with The Guy.

For starters do some more digging around and find out why your parents aren't into The Guy. Are they judging him unfairly based on where he comes from or how he looks? Or did you break a rule *together* and now they're blaming him? Get to the truth. Ask your parents what's up when you're not upset. (Use these tips to get the conversation going.)

Here's a secret: Listen more than you talk. Act like Oprah and ask your parents probing questions like: I understand you don’t want me hanging around The Guy, can you tell me more about your concerns? What about him makes you worry? Did he disrespect you in some way? Are there any reasons you don't trust me right now?

Then think about your friendship. Is The Guy is good for you? Do you have mutual respect for one another? Is he the kinda of friend who makes you want to be a better person? Does he accept you? If not, do your parents have a point? On the other hand, if you said "yes" to every question, go back to your parents and explain what he means to you. Ask for their trust in *you* (because you only plan on surrounding yourself with self-respecting people, right?). Set some new boundaries together. Like can he come over and hang out while your parents are home so they can get to know him better?

And keep your promises: Like if you two crossed some line that is not cool with your parents, make sure they know that you won't do it again. Keep negotiating until your parents feel comfortable and the trust and respect is booming again.

More Rx from Real Girl Serar: The same thing happened to me once. Two years ago I was very close with this guy from school. He was a really good friend of mine and we would spend hours talking on the phone each day. I think it was because my parents were afraid that I’d start liking him and my crush would take over that they didn’t really want me to be around him much. They had never met him, but already were quick to pass judgment. I basically never got to see him and would stop talking about him completely so I wouldn’t have to hear about it each time. It was painful, but our friendship never faded. That summer he moved to California and we’ve been close ever since.

I think that when you reach a certain age, you are old enough to decide who you want to/will be friends with. So your parents can’t always tell you who you’re going to like or not, or what you’re going to do with your life. If your friend means a lot to you, stick to your heart but also listen to what you’re gut tells you. Sometimes we can act blindly when we’re too caught up with someone.

When it comes to respecting your parents' wishes, think about the fact that they always have your best interest in mind. When you’re ready to talk to your parents about your friend, remember that for them to trust your judgment they need to see the most important thing ever: maturity. Talking about how mature you are is one thing, but what really matters is when you practice what you preach. Show them you can balance your social life with your other priorities, show them you’re ready to be an adult, and they’ll show you the respect you deserve.

Comments (2) | by Courtney on March 10

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My bestfriend sometimes acts all weird and mean to me and I don't know why. Should I say something to her?

Rx: Definitely. True friends don’t change how they feel about you depending on a situation, mood they’re in, or who’s around. Sure everyone has a bad day sometimes. But respecting yourself means speaking up about your feelings and not letting it slide when a friend hurts you. Take these steps:

1. Gut check. Sisterhood is all about standing by each other. In respectful friendships, friends let you be yourself and are on your side, honest and invested in your friendship (meaning, she’ll really care if she's been hurting you and will want to work things out). And being a good friend on your part means giving your friend the chance to improve—not just cutting her off or turning other girls against her. Think about: How do you want your friends to treat you and vice versa? Is this girl sliding past your boundaries? What about her treatment feels wrong to you?

2. Speak up. When you know how you feel, do tell your friend what's up. It doesn't have to be a dramatic showdown, though. Focus on how you feel (if you want her to listen, don't go off on her about her "crimes" against you). Try something like, "We need to talk. It makes me feel bad that sometimes we have so much fun and you’re nice to me, and then other times you ignore me or hurt my feelings. If we’re going to stay friends, we need to treat each other with respect, always."

3. Stay true to you. When you set boundaries along these lines, you actually become closer to your friends because you're being honest about your feelings and what's right for you. If they care about you they'll totally listen and your friendship will get even stronger. And if your friend blows you off, think about if she's the kind of *friend* you really want. Don't you deserve better? If you need to break up with her, check out Chapter 6 of RESPECT for more tips. If you want to make new friends who appreciate you more, consider joining an after-school org that is all about building sisterhood.

Comments (0) | by Courtney on February 4

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ORGS + WEB SITES
Boys and Girls Clubs of America (BGCA)
404-487-5700
www.bgca.org
With locations nationwide, BGCA offers confidence-building programs focused on your future, character, leadership, health, athletics, and the arts.

Girls' Circle Association
707-794-9477
www.girlscircle.com
Facilitates Girls' Circles, which are support groups for girls age 9 to 18 years that strengthen their self-respect by maintaining a connection with peers and adult women in their communities.

Girls For A Change (GFC)
408-515-8147
www.girlsforachange.org
Matches women mentors with girls who develop social change projects to transform their communities, learn leadership skills, and strengthen their sisterhood.

Girls Inc.
800-374-4475
www.girlsinc.org
Dedicated to inspiring all girls to be strong, smart, and bold, and to prepare them to lead successful, independent, and fulfilling lives. The Web site has a great reading list and resources. Check out the Girls' Bill of Rights.

Girl Scouts of the U.S.A.
800-478-7248
www.girlscouts.org
With chapters nationwide, the Girls Scouts helps girls ages 5 to 17 build self-worth, values, leadership skills, and a bunch of other important skills through meetings, activities, trips and, volunteer work.

International Order of Rainbow Girls
918-423-1328
www.iorg.org
This nondenominational organization helps girls ages 11 to 20 build leadership and speaking skills and promotes confidence, sisterhood, and charity. Girls are elected to office by their peers to run the local chapters' meetings, business, and events, which include dances, fundraisers, and extended trips.

YMCA
www.ymca.com
The largest nonprofit community service organization in America, working to meet the health and social service needs of 18.9 million men, women, and children in 10,000 communities in the United States. Ys are for people of all faiths, races, abilities, ages, and incomes. The YMCA's strength is in the people it brings together.

YWCA
800-YWCA-US1 (800-992-2871)
www.ywca.org
With more than 25 million members around the globe, the organization's mission is to "eliminate racism and empower women." The YWCA provides safe places for women and girls, builds strong girl leaders, and advocates for women's rights and civil rights in Congress.

BOOKS
How to Say No and Keep Your Friends: Peer Pressure Reversal for Teens and Preteens
by Sharon Scott
Keep that respect flowing by learning to set boundaries with your friends.

Odd Girl Speaks Out: Girls Write About Bullies, Cliques, Popularity, and Jealousy
by Rachel Simmons
Poems, songs, confessions, and essays from girls about in-fighting among girls and how to stop it.

Teen Girlfriends: Celebrating the Good Times, Getting Through the Hard Times
by Julia DeVillers
A look at why our friendships are so important and how to keep them healthy and strong.

llustration by Catherine LePage © Free Spirit Publishing Inc. 2005

Comments (0) | by Courtney on December 30

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