Hey all! I'm Courtney Macavinta, co-author of the best-selling book for teen girls RESPECT and founder of Respect Rx, which is devoted to empowering girls, women and their advocates to boost self-respect, sisterhood and social change in their lives—and our world.
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Friends + Sisterhood, Relationships
My BF Cheated With My BFF
First, my bestfriend started going out with my ex. I let it go. Then I met a new guy, and she started cheating with him behind my back. What should I say to my new guy? What should I say to my friend?
Rx: Don’t you mean former friend ? No seriously, let’s talk about the friend first.
I admit: When I was in high school I messed around with a few guys who had girlfriends. I was insecure and didn't have strong boundaries yet. I wasn’t being honest with myself about a lot of things. I was taking scraps of lust (not love) instead of investing in myself. And I was hurting other girls in the process. I can safely say: Your friend is in serious trouble on the inside if she is doing this to you.
But, you need to respect yourself first. So set some boundaries with her. Relationships are built on trust. You can't trust her. Not with your men, but with your heart. She’s not respecting your friendship. Don’t spread rumors about her or cut her down or even cut her off. But do tell her that she hurt you and that you can’t hang around people who hurt you. Let her know that you know she can be a better person and can treat herself better (cheating doesn’t make you feel good deep down).
In your own time, you can think about forgiving her (but it doesn’t mean you need to be friends again). Next, think about what kinds of friends you want to hang with from now on. What kinds of friends would reflect your respect on the inside? How will you treat them? How will they treat you? Picture what this looks like to you: A relationship that’s loaded with respect, trust, and really liking each other for who you are. Speaking up when you hurt each other or have misunderstandings. Listening to each other and really trying to do better when disrespect has gone down.
As for the guy, if you haven’t already, set the same boundary with him. It's called: breaking up. Say something like: You really hurt me. I don’t give my heart to people who lie to me and hurt me. I’m moving on.
Real Girl Serar has some true-blue advice too: Looks to me like both your boyfriend and "friend" are disrespecting you. You deserve more than that, and looks like you already know what to do. Get on the phone and dump this guy. He’s definitely not worth your time! Respect yourself enough to choose the right people to hang around, people who care about you. Your "friend" may be a great person to hang out with, but it sounds like she’s more interested in her needs than yours. Good luck, girl!!
MORE INFO
See the Friends and Relationships chapters in RESPECT for more on breaking up and how to figure out healthy relationship/friendship rules. Or check out more tips here and here.
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