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I have tried to get in with this group of girls, but they don't really seem to like me as much as they do my best friend, "Samantha." She's already in with this group of girls, and she is distancing herself from me even more. She really wants in with them so she can belong somewhere, but she's forgetting that I have the same desire too. I have a few good friends, but I feel like I need Samantha because she has been there for me through tough times and so have I for her. Plus I want to be loved by a lot of people. I feel like a total outcast for not belonging anywhere and I think something is wrong with me for not belonging anywhere, even though I'm generous, thoughtful, kind and friendly.

Rx: There is nothing wrong with wanting to belong. Trust me, we ALL want and need to belong. I remember in 5th grade my BF found a new clique and it killed me—I was the odd girl out for a few months. I thought “What’s wrong with me?” When I realized I was still a cool person with a lot to offer, I got up the nerve to approach new people. I meet a new group of girls who totally *got* me (and my old friends and I reunited too after some forgiveness went down). So here are some steps you can take to find your people and keep your friendship with Samantha going strong:

1. Keep remembering that you’re a great friend (and person). Right now, you’re understandably feeling down because you’re being left out of Samantha’s new group. So this is a perfect time to boost your confidence by giving yourself props (like you did above). You DO have a lot to offer. Take time each day to do at least one thing that you’re passionate about or that makes you proud of yourself. Keep practicing treating people how you want to be treated. Write in your journal about what makes you a good friend and what you’re looking for in friends. This will help you feel stronger in being who you really are. It will also help you find more people to connect with who will LOVE you for you. Samantha and her new friends might not know what they're missing. But if they are leaving you out, it's because of something going on with them. It’s not that anything is wrong with you.

2. Speak up with your BF. It’s good that you are so understanding about Samantha’s desire to fit in. But your needs are important too. Respectful friendships come from having honest heart-to-hearts. (Check out the 10 Tips for Speaking Up here.) Let Samantha know if you’re hurt. Start the conversation with saying how you feel and what you want to change but don’t bag on her, like: I feel sad that we no longer hang out. I know that you have new friends and I’m happy for you. But I’d love it if we could still take our weekly trip to the mall together. Then see what she says. If Samantha decides not to make time for you, it will surely still hurt. She might be scared to stand strong in her self-respect or to do what she wants to do or she might have more things in common with this new group. If Samantha and her friends actually start to be mean to you, try this.

This can be SUPER scary, but if she no longer wants to be friends, at some point, ask her why. If she’s caring about her answer, it might give you some helpful feedback about some things you might change in your other friendships. Or her answer might be thin and you can take it or leave it. No matter what her reasons, remind yourself about your boundaries: If a friend is blowing you off, how does that work for you? You don’t have to grovel for scraps. You can create friendships that are 50-50 and that make you feel stronger and supported, not insecure.

3. Branch out. While you’re still working things out with Samantha, don’t isolate no matter how sad you’re feeling. Now is the time to get out there. Start deepening the bonds with your other friends. Can you join an after-school program where you can meet new girls from all over your town? Can you volunteer somewhere with other girls or guys? Can you take a risk and join a school club on your own to meet new people who have something in common with you? Is there a group that can match you with an inspiring mentor? Think about: What do I care about? How do I want to change my world? What sounds fun? And then go out and do it! You will boost your self-respect because you’re having courage and following your passions (or finding new ones). This way, you’ll start to make new friends from all walks of life. You and Samantha can still hang out, but you’ll have other people to lean on too. Plus, you’ll be getting more comfortable in your own skin and letting your inner bling shine—this is SO attractive to other people. They want to see and know the real you! (And that’s what you want too, right?)

4. Keep soul-searching. When friendships end or change, it’s OK to mourn. You have lost something. Be honest with yourself about how you feel. Take care of you. Let the tears flow if you need to. Eat, sleep, take walks, talk to a family member who will actually listen! Write in your journal. But whatever you do, don’t stop believing that you are a fantabulous person who deserves “L-O-L-O-L-O-V-E”:)

MORE INFO
Check out RESPECT Chapter 6: Friends for more tips on how make your friendships bubble over with respect (and what to do when they don’t).

Comments (0) | by Courtney on September 27

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