• About
• Press
• Programs + Speaking
• Events
• Blogs
• Books
• Tools
• Coaching + Training
• Shop
• Contact

Oh, My Sweet Sixteen. It was a botched surprise party with, I think, a greasy box of Fast Pizza Delivery (FPD). I did pass my Driver's Test. I got marked down for driving too slow. And I remember I got a dental-floss thin gold bracelet in a Mervyn's box from my not-really-my-BF-but-I-did-anything-to-get-his-attention "date." He soon dumped me. Oh, how Super.

But really, turning 16 was the best. Driving. You know, driving. But now that's all changed. I've discovered another kinda sweet 16 standard. My *Super* Sweet Sixteen. You know it. I thought MTV's manufacturing-desire-machine could never get to me. But after two years of watching this show, I too have succumbed to the pressure. Now I'm DEMANDING, with tears streaking through my Mystic Tan, that my father—OK, THE Father—throw me a lavish Super Sweet Sixteen do-over to be THE party of all time. Here's the plan:

The Invites: Oprah passes out my invites from her Wildest Dreams Bus. The invites are contained on a Mac Light that plays a rap video message from dad—the big guy—inviting guests to attend my party. Or else. In the video, Kanye spins beats in the background and Beyonce drops it like it's hot. Among the guests: Barack AND Hillary. Joan of Arc. The Buddha and Miley Cyrus. My BFFs Janell and Heather. Not invited: You. I have all the power, b-yatches. Don't hate.

My outfit: I'm fitted with a hologram coating that displays the retro couture masterpieces of all time. My gown "changes" every 5 mins. including the best-of Audrey Hepburn. Grace Kelly. Jackie O. Marilyn. Carrie B.

The locale: The moon. Heaven is played out. Sorry, DAD. No one has EVER had their Super Sweet 16 on the moon. Holla. Our space shuttle is covered in Swarovski crystals. I take pilot lessons from Neil Armstrong (mortality is not an issue when dad is the O.G., people) so I can fly the shuttle myself. If this doesn't impress my friends, nothing will. But wait, there's more. Once we're at zero gravity, we drink Cristal out of tubes also covered with Swarovski crystals. There is no drinking age outside the atmosphere. CNN has a live feed of the party. North Korea lifts their media ban for this special event. Holla. We'll eat sushi made out of organic ice and air. Every nation will launch nuclear bombs into space in unison so that my guests can enjoy some massive fireworks. Oh, from the moon we'll project my custom logo, C-ME, on to planet Earth for all to witness. While we're at it: Swag bags for all of humanity. I'm sure all those "poor" kids will love the Magnolia cupcakes and LV dog collars for their teacup pups. I'm trill like that. At some point the Martians come by and crown me their ruler. Boring. As the finale, dad creates a new planet called, duh, Courtney. MTV pimps my planet. And as the encore: Oprah passes me the reins. (She is bigger than dad and He gets this.)

Our surprise musical guest...
...is Tupac. He doesn't have to supply a lost joint from beyond the grave because Dad has resurrected him just for my party. (No disrespect. R.I.P.). American Idol skips Season 7 and instead Seacrest names me Your Next American Idol (whatever, he's just trying to have a presence). That said, my present from Madonna, aside from crediting me with her entire career, is all proceeds from her future concert and record sales. I give her a sigh for her quaintness. So she offers up her children. They work for me now. So do Brangelina's brood. They are, like, so cute. I make Shiloh my new pet, but then I forget her on Mars. OMG!

For the after-party we travel through the centuries in a time-machine made from a Hummer limo (so we'll blend in when we get back home—that's class).

The gifts? Back on Earth dad texts the sun and freezes time so me and my friends have the chance to raid Rodeo Drive and Barneys and Paris Fashion Week for whatever we want. Boring. But then I get the best gift of all. Presented in a small, blue Tiffany box—you know the one—is a shiny, one-of-a-kind pink and yellow diamond encrusted locket engraved with my logo. Inside: The entire universe.

And my first act as master of the universe?

To stop the madness.

Comments (0) | by Courtney on June 17

email to a friend | link to this article

This isn't about bashing Miley, Blake, YouTube and company. Many girls love these media stars and the web, right? (And so do many of us!). That said, girls do need help learning to filter what's shaping them and girl culture. Here are some tips I shared on ABC's View From the Bay today to help you make the most of media "buzz" moments to learn more about your daughter and the media world she's living in:

Step No. 1: Get primed on girl culture
Never heard of Perez Hilton or The Hills? It might be time to tune in. Be aware of the media hype and sexy sensationalism that your daughters are marinating in everyday and everywhere. At the same time, know that girls are going to be exposed to media no matter what controls you put in place. The key is staying on top of their media "diet" by checking out the blogs, web sites, magazines, TV shows and films that girls—or their friends—are obsessed with so you are informed enough to have honest conversations with them about hot topics.

Step No. 2: Chat about hot topics
Parents can use media buzz moments like the Miley Cyrus photo controversy to have honest conversations with their daughters about their celebrity role models and how they feel media is affecting them—or not. If you really want to know how media and advertising and online social networks are influencing your daughters, ask open, non-judgmental questions like:
• What did you think about the Miley Cyrus photos?
• If you were in her shoes, what would you have done?
• What do you think about the Gossip Girls ads?
• What do you like or not like about that show?
• What are some reasons you think girls would post fight videos on the web?
• Does this happen with your friends, too? How does it make you feel?
• How are you and your friends affected by what you see in the media?

Step No 3: Talk about the role of role models
One role parents can play is to help girls dig deeper when it comes to who they idealize. Again, don't judge their role models; just ask juicy questions, like: What do you love about (fill in the blank)?
• What about her to do you admire?
• Besides what she's famous for, what is she into or what does she do that you think is positive?
• What kinds of things do you think should make women and girls famous or admired?
• If every girl in the world were to look up to you as a role model, what would you want them to see about the real you?

Step No. 4: Try not to overreact or judge
Many girls not only love media and entertainment, but take it one step further by creating it indie-style and aspiring to work in this field in the future. So if you "put down" their media, they might dismiss and shut you down. So respect and know that they are often just as concerned about the hot button issues as parent are these days. Try not to get too frustrated about "kids today" or focused on completely locking down their media access. Instead, keep asking powerful questions and listening to your daughter's point of view and ideas to make changes. She will feel more empowered, and you'll sleep better at night knowing that she is actively analyzing her world and learning about her likes and dislikes and wants to change.

Step No. 5: Empower your daughter to create change
Girls are not blindly going for every advertising trick and media stunt they see. If they could have it their way, what would they be promoting when it comes to TV, magazines and the web? If they are turned off or annoyed by what they see, ask them:
• What do you think causes (the problem they've identified)?
• What are some ideas you have to change this?
• What are some steps you and your friends could take to make a change?

Comments (0) | by Courtney on May 15

email to a friend | link to this article

• 92% of teen girls would like to change something about the way they look
• 86% of the approx. 10 million American girls and women who suffer from an eating disorder report the onset of their condition by age 20
• Just 2% of women think they’re beautiful
• More than 50% of women between ages 18-25 would rather be run over by a truck than be “fat”

Girls and women: We don’t have to let unrealistic ideals diminish our power. We can get REAL instead.

Check out the Getting REAL workshops for girls, college women and moms. And join our Getting REAL new social network.
Colleges: Book this interactive presentation today in conjunction with your campus’ National Eating Disorders Awareness Week or V-Day programs in 2008.

Comments (0) | by Courtney on March 1

email to a friend | link to this article

This headline is sure to drive search engine traffic from sketch types who are looking for porn. And that's exactly the trouble, according to a new report by the American Psychological Association (APA), which concludes that the proliferation of sexualized images of girls and young women in advertising, merchandising, and media is harmful to girls’ self-image and healthy development.

The APA Task Force on the Sexualization of Girls studied droves of research on the content and effects of media aimed toward girls. What they found has been one of the top concerns I've also heard among educators, girl advocates, parents and girls themselves: Girls are being way too sexualized by society. And their family and friends are marinating in this stuff, too, which only adds to the pressure.

Sexualization was defined by the task force as "when a person’s value comes only from her/his sexual appeal or behavior, to the exclusion of other characteristics, and when a person is sexually objectified, e.g., made into a thing for another’s sexual use."

The APA report nails, ahem, one of the reasons we wrote RESPECT in the first place: We were tired of "girl power" being packaged solely in a G-string slathered in baby oil. Girls need counterpoints to this culture to help them develop their real strengths and realize their true worth. They need to have a voice in this arena. And they need to be able to actually own their sexuality and boundaries in a way that doesn't dumb them down, silence them or make them feel like sex and their bodies are a battlefield where they'll always be the biggest loser.

Sexualization and objectification undermines a girl's confidence, makes her uncomfortable in her own skin, and leads to emotional and self-image problems, such as shame and anxiety, the APA report goes on to say. The APA also reports that research links sexualization with three of the most common mental health problems diagnosed in girls and women: eating disorders, low self-esteem, and depression or depressed mood.

Rx: The APA for one calls on parents and girl advocates to improve media literacy skills among girls and talk about the impact of all this sexy media. I agree. That's way we're doing this. It also says, bottom line, that we need to replace these images with ones showing girls in "positive settings—ones that show the uniqueness and competence of girls" and boys. (The APA's web site offers tips for parents--check them out.)

Now no one is saying that we girls can't enjoy our bodies or be stylish. The point of the study is that we are being hit from every angle with phony sex-tart images that actually interfere with our ability to love our bodies and have our own style and define our own sexuality. At worst, we start to act like the one-dimensional images we see and don't even know it. Or these images become girls' aspirations without question or analysis: I heard last week from a group of teens that girls are starting to go out for cheerleading solely as a training camp to help them become future strippers.

Are you so over this? Here's what girls can do right now to stop feeling the pressure to be sex objects:

No. 1: Be picky and be vocal. Girls do constantly complain to me about the pressure put on them by the media to be skinny, sexy, rich and someone else's girl. So girls, for starters, don't stand back soaking in media you think harms you and other girls. See RESPECT, Chapter 4: Your Media for activities and actions you can take to take back the media. When flipping through mags or the channels, talk with your friends about what you don't like. Pick a part what you see and be on the look out for stereotypes and disrespectful images. Ask yourself how you feel about how women and girls are being portrayed (or betrayed). Just talking about it will make your more aware of how it's affecting you. And next talk about how you want to change things--then take steps together. For example, you can all boycott a show that you're just SICK of or write letters to the editor and head-honchos when you don't like what you see. You can blast their blogs with your intelligent comments and calls for change.

No. 2: Start a new trend. What if we and our girlfriends decided NOT to spend all our free time reading celeb magazines, watching sexy reality TV or listening to music that makes it sound like all girls are hos? I know you'd probably feel totally out of the loop if you took this stand. But is this the loop you really want to be stuck in? All "sexy, brainless girls all the time"? If it seems too extreme, try it for a few weeks and spend your free time journaling a lot about your feelings, hopes and dreams instead (we call this a Media Fast in the book). Then see how you feel about yourself and let the results speak for themselves. I thought you'd have to pull the latest celeb weekly out of my cold, dead hand before I'd stop reading gossip rags. (Besides, I claimed, "It's research for my work."). Still, garbage in, garbage out--so I had to make a change. After canceling my subscriptions, I'm OK! I still manage to hear who Jessica Simpson is dating if I care (which I don't!). Instead, I'm spending my free time reading books I've been dying to get through and talking to you:) Another trick to curtail your toxic media consumption: Spend time with your friends empowering other girls like these girls do.

No. 3: Be a REAL model. We all want what I call REAL models. So girls, why don't you take on media and entertainment companies that sell girls down the sexy river? For starters, create MySpace and Facebook profiles that show the real you--not just staged sexpot photos that honestly all start to look alike on my Friends page. Create blogs, YouTube documentaries or magazines that show girls who stand out for more than their looks. Create products--and advertise them--in a way that you feel shows respects women and girls. Before you know it, you'll be stealing traffic and ratings from companies that do nothing but slap sexy wrappers on girls. Also, younger girls look up to you now. You can change the world simply in how you show up for them (as the real self-respecting you, right?).

No. 4: Boost your media immune system. The best way to not fall prey to any toxic media? Get to know the real you. Follow your passions. Speak your mind. Build your confidence by taking risks and succeeding--and trying again when you don't hit the mark. Build up and appreciate your real ASSets (mind, body and soul). Spend time figuring out for yourself what sex and being sexy means to you (try starting here.). In other words, learn and live by the Respect Basics.

SEE more TIPS here!

llustration by Catherine LePage © Free Spirit Publishing Inc. 2005

Comments (0) | by Courtney on May 13

email to a friend | link to this article

My friend Anastasia Goodstein of Ypulse.com has a new book out: Totally Wired! In the book, she bridges the generational and digital divide by letting adults know what's up with tweens and teens online--and that they don't have to view the Net as something that's going to negatively snare their kids.

Girls For A Change will be hosting one of Anastasia's book signings later this month (and I'm honored to be introducing her at the event!). Details:

Totally Wired: Meet the Author
Monday, April 16
7 p.m.
Books Inc.
1375 Burlingame Avenue
Burlingame, CA

Please come out to meet the author of this well-researched guide for parents (and teens alike)! Check out more about the book here. Also, download the discussion guide for schools, librarians and teachers! PLUS read a Q&A with Anastasia:

How did you become so interested in this topic?
Blogging about teen media and marketing day in and day out means blogging about teens and technology. Since this generation has grown up “totally wired” with the Internet and cell phones, it has not only transformed the way that teens interact media and marketers, but also with each other, their parents and teachers. When MySpace hit its tipping point and the media began to pay attention to this story, I felt like a lot of coverage was helping to create a moral panic amongst parents around what teens and tweens were doing online. I wanted to be “a voice of reason” for parents and give them a balanced view of what teens are really doing – the good (of which there is lots) and the not so good. My hope is that this book can inspire conversations between parents and teens and bridge the growing gap between teens’ actual online lives and their parents’ perception of what teens are doing online.

What was it like interviewing teenagers for the book? And how did you get them to be so honest and open with you?
I have always loved working with teens from my days working with C.I.T.s (counselors in training) at a summer camp to mentoring inner city girls in Boston to the teens I work with locally each week in San Francisco. I also went through some tough teenage years myself, which is why I’m so drawn to this work and this population. I have a lot of empathy for teens and am a good listener. I think if you treat teens as young adults, respect them and validate that what they have to say is important, you will be surprised at how much they open up to you. I actually really enjoyed hearing about how technology has become integrated into their everyday lives and interactions.

Do boys and girls have different tendencies when it comes to online socializing? Are there different things that parents should be concerned about for each?
Girls tend to be more social and communication oriented both online and off. Growing up totally wired gives them more ways to keep these conversations going. They can now text, IM or comment on each other’s blogs or MySpace pages in addition to talking in the halls, at lunch, after school or at home on the phone. All of the research shows girls are more active on social networking sites than boys (although they’re there, too). Boys tend to be more interest driven – listening to music, talking about technology, playing video games or uploading videos. There is also a striking difference in how girls and boys represent themselves with avatars (virtual representations of themselves online). Girls tend to create avatars that look more like them, albeit somewhat enhanced, and spend lots of time and energy dressing them. Boys tend to create avatars more like video game characters and are interested in having do fantastical things or have cool weapons. Parents should talk to both girls and boys about being safe, not giving out too much info online, not talking to virtual strangers, never meeting someone in person unless accompanied by a parent, and treating other teens ethically and respectfully online and off.

What advice do you have for parents who worry that their children are spending too much time on the internet and not enough time developing the social skills that result from in-person interactions?
Parents need to set boundaries with children and teens – even if they protest at the time, I believe they actually want you to do this. Too much of anything is never good – I suggest parents help teens set boundaries around their own internet use. For example, teens may appear to be
masters at multi-tasking, but the reality is that having IM windows popping up and the cell phone buzzing while trying to write a research paper or study, is distracting. Making homework time just about homework and having them log out of IM and turn the phone off, may feel painful, but they’ll actually retain more and get their work done faster – especially if they can socialize afterwards. There are tons of creative and educational activities teens can and should be doing online like writing blogs or uploading their art or creating a podcast or just researching whatever interests them. But I also think it’s important for teens to go outside, be in nature, go to the mall and hang out with their friends in person. Parents and teens need to work together to find the balance between time spent living life online and off. Parents should insist on teens turning off their phones (and leaving them outside the bedroom) after they go to bed. Believe it or not, this is when a lot of teen communication is happening.

Many parents are very fearful of the internet when it comes to their children – are these fears warranted?
All of the crime statistics I’ve read make it clear that children have more to fear from people they know than from strangers. That said, the internet is a virtual public space where adults and children can interact and where children can easily access objectionable content. Parents just need to be actively involved in what their kids are doing online. I interviewed parents who use filtering software for younger children and keep the computer in a central location in the house they can easily check in on to see where their children are surfing. But beyond filters, looking through their browser history or standing over them while they’re online, nothing can replace having a relationship with children and teens. Asking them to show you what sites they love and why, playing a game with them online, and most importantly teaching them values – talk about how it’s easier to say mean things to people online when you can’t see the person’s reaction, teach them what’s appropriate and inappropriate to post online. All the technology in the world can’t replace good parenting.

What are some common mistakes that parents make when trying to curb their children’s internet usage?
The most common mistakes would be relying too heavily on filtering technology – it’s often imperfect and blocks sites parents would be ok with, plus most internet savvy teens can get around it. Mostly, it doesn’t replace talking about sites they might stumble upon. I would also advise not overreacting if you discover your child has done something inappropriate online or posted something inappropriate. Use the opportunity as a teachable moment. It’s fine to restrict access for a time in response to an incident, but attempting to permanently cut it off will only deny teens the opportunity to experience all of the cool stuff that is online.

What is the most important lesson that you hope parents will learn from reading TOTALLY WIRED?
The most important lesson is that the internet is not the “big bad wolf.” It’s a virtual public space where teens are mostly doing what teens do offline – communicating, listening to music, doing homework, etc. But because it is a virtual space with the opportunity to be anonymous, and because of the viral nature of the web, it requires a different set of ground rules. In order to set these ground rules, parents need to become internet literate. They don’t have to learn HTML, but they do need to understand the basic features of a MySpace profile and how it works. There’s probably a teen in his or her bedroom with the door locked who would make a great teacher!

Comments (0) | by Courtney on April 4

email to a friend | link to this article

Did this headline make your heart flutter with hope? Did it make you want to rush to the bottom of this post so you’d find out the secret to happiness? Almost every celeb magazine on the stands in the past few months has run this coverline next to the “after” photos of closely watched stars: Janet Jackson, Britney Spears, the American Idols, and Jessica Simpson.

Celeb glossies aren’t even bothering to slap these canned articles with new headlines. Why should they? They all contain the same prescription—as in restrictive eating, body obsession and yogabosuboxalates exercise regimes—along with kudos to stars for dropping the weight. And nevermind going through the old motions of trying to shape these articles into so-called health stories. Does “How Jessica got THIN for her new man” sound “healthy” to you? Sometimes the stars themselves are not even interviewed for the articles. The magazine just anoints them newly skinny and super successful as a result.

These “celebrity wasting syndrome” stories are not the declarations of independence they claim to be. Rather, they’re proof of the largely mass-media induced Stockholm syndrome in which women and girls are loyal to the get-thin culture that enslaves and harms us. Sometimes we trust these body ideals and take them on as our own. Sometimes we use them to pour alcohol on our growing emotional wounds and deep-seeded feelings that we are not enough. And sometimes we use these celeb weight-loss cover stories as roadmaps to a (dangerous) way of life. At its worst, the THIN quest is passed from mom to daughter and can play out like this riveting documentary uncovers for some of the 5 million people in the U.S. who have *documented* eating disorders.

For me, the stroke of midnight this New Year’s Eve was finally NOT marked with the start of a white-knuckle diet of any sort (and it didn't begin with a thin-media hangover, either). For myself and girls everywhere, I've committed to something more: How to NOT live thin. And I even made it past January 1st.

Not that I don’t want more for myself this year. I want to: keep trusting my gut; remember that everything will be OK; get regular sleep, sunlight, walks, talks; laugh more and vacation more; read something more tantalizing than my bills; hang with my friends more (and remember important things like their b-days and their kids’ b-days); and connect with more mentors and role models.

Because the real me cares about more than how a woman (or myself) “got thin.” I want to know how she got filled up and sustained. I want to know how she honors herself—her true self. I want to know how girls are following their dreams and building new skills and changing their worlds (inside and out). I want to know how that wise woman I admire stopped trying to fit her square peg into a round hole.

And I want to devote my energies to more than spending another 5,840 hours this year racking my brain about how to lose weight, get fit, get noticed, get into that outfit and get love. Because honestly, isn’t that what this “How I Got Thin...” game is all about: Trying to fill the void of deep deprivation many of us feel? Maybe we feel deprived of: basic care * judgment-less living * intimacy * satisfaction at the end of each day that we are doing what we were born to do * the belief that we do matter * safety * the understanding that we are here for a reason * simple pleasures * R&R * joy * being heard...

The women and girls I talk with all the time seem to be mostly deprived (a little or a lot) of the unconditional, yummy love we all deserve—especially from ourselves. So here’s my pitch for girls and women everywhere: Don’t settle for binging on diet articles/content/programs this new year. Go ahead and deprive yourself of this misery. Instead, dig in and feed yourSELF. Live phat not thin. Not sure where to start nibbling? Here are the 3 ways I’m indulging my craving for richer self-respect:

Resolution No. 1: Asking for help
This has to be my favorite Respect Basic right now. You know that thing that is gnawing at you year-after-year or minute-by-minute? That thing that makes you want to bang your head against a wall, cry like a baby, or dig a hole to the center of the earth so you can hide until the next century? Now, if you want *it* to stop eating at you, put it on your plate. Pick something big and juicy—but not unless you’re willing to reach out for support or *it* could swallow you (or already has). Then call a friend. Call a helpline. Call your doctor. Call a therapist or counselor. Or do some Web research and then make that call. Go to a free support group or your place of worship. Just reach out.

Want to hear how I’m getting help for the crazy, invisible soul-eating bacteria that I couldn’t shake by sticking to a “diet” this new year (or ever!)? Right now I’m getting help dealing with having drug and alcohol addiction all around me since childhood. I thought I had it down—the tough-survival-mode-girl thing. Well it wasn’t workin’. And no amount of cupcakes (surprisingly) or control (calorie deprivation; over-achievement; strategic thinking) could make me feel better (or safer).

I’m also getting continued support around what the experts call self-care (i.e. how to be a good mommy to myself). Like, learning to stop typing at noon and eat lunch and get a drink of water and go to the bathroom and stretch and look out the window to daydream for geezuz sake. This might be a nicer thing to do for myself than wait until 8 p.m. to eat my first-ish meal of the day while half-passed out on the couch with razor blades stabbing my lower back and temporary blindness from not leaving my desk for 15 hours. Or it might be good to find helpful ways to feel my feelings, deal with stress and calm myself that don’t involve clawing at a bag of something crunchy (or pushing someone down a flight of stairs). It's all about baby steps. The motto I've learned is: "first things first." So before I conquer the world each day, I'm trying to do two things: eat breakfast and have some quiet time (for breathing, reading, being still).

I also invested in getting some coaching around pursuing some gigantic-feeling goals and taking steps to let my heartfelt passions truly be my guide (including inspiring and connecting with more teen girls and women than ever before!). One last thing: my relationship with money. I’m working on changing my mind about money. Money brings up feelings of scarcity for me. Not because I don’t have enough, but because no matter how much I have, I’m still afraid of $ and using it. On money: I’m reading The Soul of Money and plan to read this and I'm getting some professional advice for the first time.

WHEW. That's a lot of help-getting! So to chime in 2007, here’s how I’m “shapping up." Goodbye, empty diets and body makeover plans (BORING!). Hello, getting much-needed support so I get on with the business of being the real, fulfilled me (BLISS!). So I guess am dropping some weight: The fear and stuck-ness that can weigh down a girl.

Resolution No. 2: Setting more boundaries
Forget being thin. I just don't want to be spread too thin anymore. As a friend told me: I’m saying No to more things, so I can say Yes to the big things. I’m turning down stuff right and left so I can have a little room to accept the things I really want when they come my way—or to have more time to make them happen. So No I can’t write you a 5-page letter of recommendation for the 5th time, but I can send some words of encouragement your way. And No I can’t paint your house, but I can suggest some jazzy colors. And I’d like to chair that committee, but I’m all booked up sitting in my reading chair Tuesday nights. But Yes oh Yes, I can come to your school to talk to girls about how we can spread respect for all. Where do I sign? Another boundary I’m setting: I’m going on another celeb mag fast (see RESPECT page 62). I don’t want to feed the beast anymore (even for “research”).

Resolution No. 3: Being more honest
By default, being honest is a Respect Basic. It’s everything. To respect yourself is to be honest about who you are, what’s OK (and so not OK) with you, and what you believe in. Being honest also goes back to the first thing: Admitting when you need help. To keep boosting my self-respect—and start getting past some annoyingly repetitive hurdles—I’ve had to be super honest with myself of late. No spin allowed. In fact, I’m scared of what I’ll say next. [Like: I was up until 1 a.m. writing this post vs. sleeping—help!] But it’s a good thing. Because over the years I’ve put up a lot of fronts (i.e. I don’t need help. I’m right. I’m working out all my problems—wait, what problems?).

To have a beautiful life, airbrushing over the truth won’t do. Sometimes you need to start on the path to self-respect by admitting any ugly truths to yourself—including when you're being deprived of what *it* is you really need. (One hint: following your passions!) And usually *it* is inside you all along just waiting to be found (or remembered).

PS: Still hungry for those magazine diet secrets? Check out this and this instead.

HOW DID YOU GET PHAT? COMMENT BELOW TO ENTER WIN A FREE COPY OF RESPECT.

Comments (1) | by Courtney on January 24

email to a friend | link to this article

The media and parents alike have, ugh, caught on to the fact that teens are hanging out (and often letting it all hang out) on community sites like MySpace.

Rx: For the parents out there, honestly, MySpace is really nothing new. The same way teens use chat rooms, IM, email groups or message boards, they congregate on MS to talk and make new friends. This used to be called: AOL. I actually have my own space on MySpace (even my BFF from second grade found me on MS!). So MySpace does offer what sites like Classmates, don’t—a *free* casual place to host your public blog/diary, stay in touch with friends and, if you're in a band, to promote your latest CD to fans.

Teens say they like MySpace because it's raw and undercover—in the technical sense. They can tweak their pages by swapping secret html tips. And there's not a major polished, commercial wrapper around "their space" (though that's changing everyday). But a MS profile is no different than the other blank canvases they personalize—from their worn metal locker doors to bedroom walls and binder covers. And, let's face it, until about two months ago most parents had no clue about MySpace (so hot). If MS loses its cache with teens (as some are predicting) those heading to college will no doubt relocate their digital dorm rooms to places like Facebook.

Still it's true that it's really easy on MySpace (and other sites like it) to get caught up in disrespect dilemmas. Girls especially want to get ranked "hot" and put up racy photos that can help them stand out. Like they do elsewhere online, sexual predators are trolling MS to meet and harm minors. And like they do elsewhere, some teens are using MS to harass each other. Like spreading rumors in their blogs or posting nasty comments on each other's pages.

So here's some advice for teens and parents when it comes to navigating the wild world of social networking sites:

TEENS, if I were you, here's what I would do to have fun on MS without losing your self-respect:

Honor thy-fabulous-self. If you respect yourself you don't degraded yourself or sell yourself cheap for attention. So think about not putting anything on MS that you don't want to haunt you. You will make your mark in life, but how do you want to do it? Do you want to carry yourself like someone who will be written about in the noble history books someday, or someone who will be ridiculed on E! Hollywood True Story?

Here's the deal: If you wouldn't walk around school topless, maybe you shouldn't go full frontal or bare all on the Internet. If you wouldn't talk like a foul-mouthed sailor in the flesh, maybe you should use some restraint online. And if you want people to like you for you (even though you might still be figuring out who that is) don't front on MS like you're a porn star, criminal or pimp. Even if you're just playing, that disrespectful representation of the one-and-only-you is connected to your name and picture. Once this stuff is online, it can stick around (and to you) 4-EVER!

Protect your ID. OK, so while I want you to always be yourself, please don't expose yourself on the Net—in some cases you should be mysterious. This means, keep your lips sealed about your home address, phone number, and other details that could help creepy and dangerous people track you down in person. Think about setting your privacy settings to only allow people who you REALLY know to contact you on MS or make it so you have to approve new Friends.

Don't cross the line. If you've got a beef with a friend or someone from school, be real and talk to them about it in person (try this). Don't take up your issue or feud on your MS profile, or by bashing people in comments on their profile. It only increases the drama, makes it hard to take back when you cool off. And threatening people online—it's documented!—ups your chances of getting busted for crossing a line (remember, parents, teachers and cops can read MS, too!) If you want your parents (a.k.a. your Internet service providers) to trust you online, let them know that you read MS's safety tips and won't abuse the system (Umm, I think this proactive effort on your part will impress them—I mean if you can handle the Internet, what about that driver's license test?)

PARENTS, I don't blame you for being a bit freaked by sites like MS (and the thought of your kid being exposed in disrespectful ways). Here are some tips for giving your kids their space, while keeping them safe:

Get a tour. Check out MS FAQ for parents. Then ask your kids to give you a tour of MySpace so you know how it works and how they're using it. If they actually agree to show you around, then I suggest being super cool and not viewing their personal MS profile without permission or searching for it behind their backs (which could feel to them like reading their journal). If they let you see their profile, they are including you in their life (like that Net access you provide them, it's quite the privilege so appreciate it!).

Set some boundaries. Talk to them about respecting other people and your policy for how they should behave online—after all you pay the ISP bill. Go over some general safety tips (check out wiredsafety.org). If they break the rules, let them know what will happen (just like you'd do if they abused your car or home.). I talk to teens non-stop and they admit that when their parents set boundaries, deep down they do feel cared about (even if at the same time they are PO'd about the limits.) Also talk with them about how to resolve conflicts honestly and in-person (vs. blowing up anonymously online)—this is a skill they need in general.

Build the trust, explain choices. I guess you can add MS to the 1 million other ways your kid can make or break your trust, right? Think about how respectful the communication is under your roof right now. Have you set the stage for them to respect your computer-usage rules? You could also put some parental tech controls in place if you're super concerned, like software that blocks them from giving out their home address. However, where there's a will there's a way and they will get around these blocks (I live at too ate won fore mane streat) or they can always access MS from a friend's house. So try building overall (mutual respect). Show them how respectful negotiation works and how to make smart choices (Like what kinds of pics would it be OK for them to post on MS? What should they consider before they post something? Should they let strangers add them as "friends" or only people they know?) The bottom line: If your kid has proven they can be trusted, apply the same parental-sniff-tests to MS.

Encourage face-time. It's not OK to do any one thing 24/7 (except breathe!). So encourage your kids to have an offline social life so they can have more balance, more fun, and know what it's like to be liked for more than their snappy MySpace profile. Seeing friends in person is a good thing. A life where the only laughter comes in the form of "LOL" and causes RSI by age 18 is a bad thing. If you don't like how your kids are spending their time online, expose them to offline activities like volunteering, travel, political action, or after-school orgs that build skills and self-respect.

Trust your gut. My young friends will hate me for saying this, but consider putting your home computer in your space. Don't worry, kids still know how to engineer some privacy (POS=parent over shoulder). But if they are being harassed, pursued by a creep, or touching up a nude photo of themselves, well, you'll catch a glimpse of what's happening. Ask your kids to come to you whenever they feel threatened—including online. Let them know that you're not going to freak out or cause a scene but that you want them to feel safe and that you're on their side. If you think something abusive or illegal is going down, talk to them about it and report it to MS, your ISP and the cops.

Comments (0) | by Courtney on October 10

email to a friend | link to this article

Audrey Brashich knows the women's media world inside and out. She has been an intern, editor, freelancer and writer for magazines such as Sassy, Jump, YM, Seventeen, Elle Girl, Cosmo Girl, Teen People, Girls Life, Lucky, Mademoiselle, Elegant Bride, Shape, Ms. and others. She's also been a teen model.

In her new book All Made Up: A Girl's Guide to Seeing Through Celebrity Hype and Celebrating Real Beauty, Audrey blows the lid of all that smoke that's been blown up our you-know-whats about what is "beautiful" (and what isn't). She talked to Respect Rx about being a teen model, what she's learned about real beauty, and so-called It Girls (Can you say: Paris Hilton or Linsday Lohan?):

Respect Rx: When you were a teen, why did you want to be a model?
Audrey: I wanted to be a model for all the obvious reasons: the fame, glamour, preferential treatment that's showered on women who have that look and label. I heard the way guys talked about models...the way everyone in a room took notice of a girl if someone said 'Oh I heard she's a model." It didn't matter if she worked for a local newspaper or was on the cover of Vogue. Labels like model, actress, celebrity, pop star etc. get noticed...and I wanted that for myself, too.

What did you learn about that world that you want every girl to know now?
That there's absolutely NOTHING wrong with wanting to be pretty or liking magazines, movies, pop music etc. BUT that we all need to ask why these things are so important in our country. Like, why are we on a first-name basis with women who entertain us or who fit a certain beauty standard. But yet we can't name women who are changing the world? THAT'S what I want to get everyone thinking about.

What are the top five myths that we learn from teen and celebrity magazines?
Myth No. 1: That we should pay attention to every little "flaw" or "imperfection" we have like the size of the pores on our face or whether or not we get a few razor bumps. Remember the Maybelline slogan from a few years ago that went along with their Great Lash Mascara? It went "Maybe She's Born With It... Maybe It's Maybelline" and all the commercials were showed a model with enviable long eye lashes. That always made me think "Oh come ON! NOW we have to worry about the fact that our EYE LASHES aren't as perfect as the next girl's?!" I mean please. Just think about how different the world would be if we all spent less time being trained to worry about scrutinizing, plucking, tanning, manicuring, waxing etc our bodies and spent more time on saving the environment or trying to solve the world's AIDS crisis.

Myth No. 2: That the women in magazines (and on reality TV shows, sitcoms, movies etc) deserve all the recognition they get. Sure, some celebs work really hard to get where they are, but where are they ultimately? They're just entertaining us. I bet if you made a list of the most important professions out there, you'd probably include things like doctor, teacher, human rights activist, etc. So then why aren't any of those women in the public eye???

Myth No. 3: That celebrities have the best lives. It's true: they get to go to the Oscars and we don't. They get tons of free stuff and we don't. But they also have to worry day and night about what they eat, how they look, how they act. They got stalked by paparazzi; reporters go through their trash trying to find out private gossip and there's ALWAYS a new "It Girl" coming up behind them who is going to be BIG competition.

Myth No. 4: That looking like a model/actress/pop star etc is the only way to be considered beautiful and successful. Copying a celebrity look doesn't make you more beautiful…it makes you less of YOU because it compromises your individuality.

Myth No. 5: That there's only fluff and garbage in teen and celebrity magazines. Now hear me out on this one: As conflicted as teen and fashion magazines might be, there is often really good content buried alongside all the images and ads. Most of the articles are well-researched and well-written. They also contain comments top top experts, noted authors and government officials. And all that's good stuff. So go ahead and look at all the fashion pages and ads, but remember those are there to get you to buy products and imply that a certain look (which might not be yours) is beautiful.

As for celebrity magazines...OK, there's not really much good about them EXCEPT that it is pretty refreshing to check them out from time to time and see that stars really look like real people (bad hair, messy sweatpants etc) at least some of the time.

How can girls respect their real beauty?
First step is to get educated about how the media—and the manufacturers that hire them—works. Because those companies have a REALLY big financial stake in defining what's beautiful. I mean hello?! They sell cosmetics and diet products and new clothing every season. So OF COURSE they promote a definition of beauty that requires all those things. They'd be out of a job otherwise!

But what girls need to know is that it's not our bodies that need to be changed (and liposuction-ed, toned, etc) but the standards that we try to hold them to. Our inner and OUTER beauty is right there and it's perfect the way it is. It’s the definitions of what's beautiful that we've got to work on.

MORE INFO
Check out Audrey's blog: Don't Believe the Hype

Common Sense wrote about a new site I checked out that engages teen girls in some serious deep-thinking about media through fun games like writing your own advice colum: My Pop Studio

Learn how to take back your media—check out RESPECT, Chapter 4: Your Media

Comments (1) | by Courtney on September 13

email to a friend | link to this article

When we talk about "respect for girls" some people think we're talking about the "battle of the sexes." No way! We started our fight for respect with girls, because of what we'd seen on the frontlines as, well, girls. But the fight for respect for girls is really the fight for respect for all. Because we're all the same (ONE LOVE, people!). And when one person is hurt or degraded or treated like less-than-equal--i.e. disrespected--it's a hit on all of us.

That's why I did a double-take when I saw this tidbit in the recent LA Times special report/poll, Underwhelmed by it All, about 12- to 24-year-olds' POV about media:

When it comes to the content of their entertainment, those surveyed tended to be quite tolerant of violence, gross-out humor and swearing in movies.

Yet a surprisingly high number of teenage boys (58%) and even more teenage girls (74%) said they were offended by material they felt disrespected women and girls.

The report went on to say that only 40% of guys ages 18 to 24 are offended by material that disrespects women (hey!). Still that a large number of teen boys dissed the practice of dissing girls reinforces that this respect business is a two-way street. I know it sounds all group-huggish, but we can't truly respect ourselves if we don't think everyone on our block and planet deserves the same. So go boys-who-fight-for-respect-girls-and-vice-versa!

Speaking of which: Want to take back your media? Check out the MEDIA section. Plus, find tons of tools to question what you're ingesting and to change your media diet inRESPECT, Chapter 4.

Comments (0) | by Courtney on August 14

email to a friend | link to this article

Teens who listened to lots of super-sex beats were twice as likely to jump into the hook-up pool sooner in life compared those who listened to little or no sexually explicit music, according to a new study by Rand Corp. published in the August issue of Pediatrics.

Rx: Didn't our grandparents blame Elvis for inciting teen "hanky panky" too? True for many kids, media and entertainment is like a third parent (or primary caretaker for some). It's influential as this latest report aims to prove. And the potrayal of how sex goes down in any form of media does set up expectations for teens.

But what drives any of us to take the plunge into sexual activity as teens is a bit stronger than what's playing on the car radio while we're getting steamy in the backseat. If only making self-respecting choices about sex (and everything in between) was as simple as changing our favorite soundtrack. Teens are more complex than that--aren't we all?

Before we scour teens' iPods for all the answers about their sexual feelings, beliefs or choices, let's start by offering them The 7 Questions. Their answers will help them make the real sex-respect connection (and it's no doubt a more personal decision than picking songs for their playlists).

Do you think the music teens listen to prompts sexual behavior? Post a comment and enter to WIN a free copy of RESPECT!

Comments (0) | by Courtney on August 7

email to a friend | link to this article

Ah, prom night. Nothing has changed since I was a teen except, uh, that now there's not just Seventeen and Teen prom issues—there are tons of entire magazines and Web sites devoted just to the big dance. And now the cost of some dresses could buy you a car or a semester at college. And the parties? Can you say "Cancun Spring Break" preview?

So how can you be yourself, not buckle under the pressure to spend boatloads of money AND make self-respecting choices after prom when the real party begins?

First, a confession: I went to four proms during my high school career. I think I spent more time thinking about prom, angling for dates for prom, working to save money to buy stuff for prom (my parents were po'), and getting ready for prom than I actually did studying. For real. I spent so much time planning and primping just so I couldn't (umm…) look like, act like, and have fun being, well, the real me.

Like I spent hours:
…putting on Lee Press-Ons.
…getting a perm for one prom (after BEGGING my mom) because my hair was naturally straight.
…finding the perfect dress to stand out and look better than everyone else.
…binge dieting and exercising to lose weight before prom.
…doing my makeup.
…waiting in line to get my photo taken.
…crying when the photo didn't look perfect.
…worrying about whether I would get pressured into a thing or two after prom.
…doing that thing or two and regretting until it I was at least 25.

Time spent having fun at prom: ZERO (honestly)

OK, but I want the girls of the world to have fun at prom (and every other day of your life). To dance in a circle like you do at the regular school dances with big smiles on your faces and not caring who's looking at you. To not spend your college fund or lose your self-respect to impress at prom.

Self-respect is all about being yourself, at all times, period. Prom presents some challenges to the repect-o-sphere, though. That's why I don't want you to follow my lead from back in the day. Instead follow these do's and don'ts:

DO take action and get involved in planning the event so it's a fun-respect-filled night for all (including affordable, safe, funky, and inclusive!)

DO be yourself.

DO go as yourself just glammed up (if you like) but not made over or in disguise.

DO have fun.

DO create great memories w. your friends not empty celeb red-carpet photo ops.

DO treat your body with respect. Don't starve, abuse, poison or put you in harm's way for prom. (It's supposed to be fun not a war zone!!).

DON'T go if you don't feel like it.

DON'T feel like you need a date—you can go with your girls.

DON'T spend more time or money getting ready than you will actually spend dancing, laughing, or feeling fabulous!

DO dance.

DO have a plan for after-prom parties so you can stick to your boundaries. Use the buddy system so you don't get stuck somewhere or with someone scary.

DO take fun camera-phone pics or Poloroids. If you like, skip the long line, cheesy backdrops, stiff smile and hefty price-tag for the professional prom photos.

DON'T lie to your parents about your prom doings and risk losing other privileges that you value more than one little night like graduation/grad night, summer fun or their trust and respect.

DON'T feel like you need to hook up with anyone. If you're not ready for kissing or having sex—or anything in between—with your date: don't. And let him/her know it ain't happening ahead of time. If that's his/her requirement for a date, tell him/her to email me for some schoolin! Or just say: "It's a dance, not an arranged marriage." Remember, when it comes to sex/hooking up, check out The 7 Questions so you can always put you and your self-respect first.

DON'T measure your worth based on your prom get-up/plan. Your are so amazing, talented, and have so much in store for yourself—can one dance really define you? Only if it's the happy dance you do every morning of your life because you're Ms. You!

DO be aware of what could be driving your prom fantasies. Kate Pavao, senior editor at one of my favorite sister sites, Common Sense, has this to say about prom media madness:

Talk about a mixed message: The April edition of Teen Vogue features a big article on out-of-control proms, which blames the media—specifically movies—for the increased pressure on teens to buy expensive dresses, snag hot dates, have extravagant after-parties, and make prom night the best night of their lives.

Of course this article is just part of the magazine’s prom package, set among pages of prom dresses—one of which costs over $400—and even an article about getting skin in perfect dance-night condition, starting a month ahead of time.

True, there are dresses at lower price points, and the magazine does show girls bargain shopping or going vintage. But teen magazines’ prom packages make it obvious that it’s not just the movies building the prom pressure, setting up the big night to be a big disappointment—and a big expense.

Now we're not saying to boycott prom and every magazine spread that comes with it. Instead, filter your media so you aren't manipulated into disrespecting yourself by not being yourself. Common Sense says to ask yourself (or your daughter) these questions. Time to break out your journal:

• Is prom an important enough event to warrant so many magazine pages? What do these packages do to your expectations for the night? Do you think the reality can ever live up to the fantasy that magazines present?

• How do you feel about yourself after seeing teens model glamorous prom dresses and fancy hair styles? Do you notice yourself thinking about your own body or looks more after reading these packages? Does it leave you wanting to spend more money on makeup and accessories to make the night perfect? (This might be a good time to talk about how magazine models have stylists -- and are airbrushed, too.)

• If you were editing a teen magazine, and putting together a prom package, what, if anything, would you do differently? If an editor was really concerned about out-of-control proms, is it enough to write an article about it, or would you feature some other content?

• What do magazines have to gain by promoting lots of prom-related products? Can you find any crossovers between products that are mentioned in editorial and those that are in the advertisements?

• Thinking beyond magazines, what are some other ways that we build up prom in our culture? Do you think children's fairy tales like Cinderella, or even more modern princesses, like Dora the Explorer, are also responsible for building expectations? What are some other ways girls are encouraged to fantasize about being the belle of the ball?

(Parents for more help dealing with prom, check out another fave sister site, Daughters.org for some tips.)

More Info >
RESPECT Chapter 4: Your Media IQ

What's your plan for prom? How will you keep the respect booming? OR tell us your past prom horror story and what you would do differently now. First five commenters WIN a free RESPECT baby-T.

Comments (0) | by Courtney on April 25

email to a friend | link to this article

ORGS + WEB SITES
Angelfire
www.angelfire.com
Learn how to build your own Web site and host it for free. This site has everything you need to get started, including a step-by-step beginner's guide.

Bamboozled
www.bamboozled.org
Teen-produced site that aims to combat the negative stereotypes of youth by creatively, intelligently, and honestly portraying their lives.

Blogger
www.blogger.com
A blog gives you your own voice on the Web. Learn how to create your own blog so you can publish your thoughts, writing, or stories about the real lives of girls.

BeyondMedia Education
773-973-3367
www.beyondmedia.org
Equips girls with the skills to document and communicate their stories, serve as educators and role models for others, influence public policy, and generate social transformation.

Bust magazine
www.bust.com
With the tagline "women who have something to get off their chests," Bust is fiercely busts down female stereotypes and is a bold alternative to mainstream magazines. Check out the Girl Wide Web section for links to more girl-centric zines.

Center for Media Literacy
310-581-0260
www.medialit.org
Nonprofit educational organization that provides leadership, public education, professional development, and educational resources nationally. Works to help citizens, especially the young, develop critical thinking and media-production skills needed to live fully in the 21st century media culture.

Culture of Modeling
www.cultureofmodeling.com
Helps girls think about where their interest in modeling comes from and discusses the reality behind these body role models.

Femina
www.femina.com
A directory of female friendly sites on the WebÑincludes everything from girl organizations to right groups.

Global Action Project
(212) 59-9577
www.global-action.org
Media arts and leadership training for young people living around the world, who get the tools and training to create thought-provoking media on local and international issues that concern them.

The Girls, Women + Media Project
www.mediaandwomen.org
Examines how pop culture and media represent, affect, employ, and serve girls, and how you can take action to promote responsibility and respect. Plus, the site includes tons of resources to learn more about girls and the media.

Just Think
(415) 561-2900
www.justthink.org
Teaches teens to understand, evaluate, and create media messages, and how you can impact local and global communities with your own media.

Listen Up!
212-725-7000
www.pbs.org/merrow/listenup
A youth media network that connects young video producers to resources, support, and projects in the field to help create an authentic youth voice in the media.

Media Watch

Get info on challenging abusive and biased images commonly found in the media.

Media Awareness Network
www.media-awareness.ca
A watchdog group for media stereotyping. Go to the Media Issues section and check out Stereotyping and then the Girls and Women category for some really interesting articles that'll make you angry.

National Council for Research on Women
212-785.7335
www.ncrw.org
Supporting women and girls in how they're represented in media, trends and studies around the world. Check out the MisInformation Clearinghouse and their links under Resources.

Wellesley College
www.wellesley.edu/Health/BodyImage
Go to the "what you can do" section for tips on how to protest fashion companies that use dangerously thin girls in their ads. The site even has a sample complaint letter.

Wiretap
415-284-1420
www.alternet.org/wiretapmag
An independent news source by and for socially conscious youth.

Women's ENews
www.womensenews.org
Covers local and global news about issues affecting the lives of girls and women.

Youth Entertainment Studios (YES)
757-545-8766
www.yesamerica.org
Gives teens a safe place to develop their own media, including music, video, Web, and print.

Youth Radio
youthradio.org/index.shtml
Gives teens hands-on training to learn the basics of broadcasting.

BOOKS
Branded:The Buying and Selling of Teenagers
by Alissa Quart
How companies bombard teens with marketing that "saps them of individuality and imagination" to get them to not only buy products, but be products.

Can't Buy My Love: How Advertising Changes the Way We Think and Feel Deadly Persusasion: Why Women and Girls Must Fight the Addictive Power of Advertising
by Jean Kilbourne
Both books expose how advertising negatively shapes the way girls and women feel about themselves, what they want, and the way they treat themselves. See the author's Web site for more resources: www.jeankilbourne.com.

Ms. Magazine
www.msmagazine.com
Launched in 1971, Ms. was founded by feminist icons such as Gloria Steinem and Pat Carbine. Today the magazine is still outspoken and doesn't just write about girls' and women's struggles for equality and political power, but leads them to take action.

Teen Voices magazine
www.teenvoices.com
This magazine, written by and for teen girls, is all about building respect from the inside out. Visit the Web site to learn about how to contribute an article.

Where the Girls Are: Growing Up Female with the Mass Media
by Susan J. Douglas
A look at how American media has portrayed women over the past 50 years.

llustration by Catherine LePage © Free Spirit Publishing Inc. 2005

Comments (0) | by Courtney on December 30

email to a friend | link to this article