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GIRLS: Find out if your relationship is booming with respect or if the "diss" has taken over. Take the quiz here!

Comments (0) | by Courtney on February 6

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My husband joined me in my business recently, and seems bent on proving to me that he is competent to run the business now and I am not. He cuts me down at nearly every opportunity and treats me with disrespect in so many subtle ways! I am losing confidence. What to do?

Rx: First, the good news: You already know you deserve better which is a Respect Basic. You know that what your husband is doing is disrespectful and you know your self-respect is on the line. Here are some steps you can take to speak up and make some changes:

Set some boundaries. Mixing business with marriage is never easy. But under all of our roofs—whether we live with roommates, partners, or other family members—we often have to cooperate to pay the bills, make dinner, clean the house, solve problems and plan for tomorrow. To protect your self-respect, for starters, think/journal about how you feel about your husband’s treatment. Also list the boundaries you want to set with him. Start with major disrespect dilemmas at the top of the list (like when he puts you down) and work down the list to the business issues (like what is the clear division of responsibilities going to be at the office?).

Speak up. Next, when you're ready, tell him how his treatment is making you feel [“(I feel (blank) when you (blank) and I want (blank to change in the following ways)”]. You might need more support from a therapist before you can draw the line—especially if underneath it all you feel unsafe around him. You might want to practice what you’ll say by writing it down in your journal. If your husband is someone you can work with on this, come up with mutually agreed upon terms for how you’ll cooperate in the future on the business front. This is easier said than done, I know. So you might also consider going to a marriage counselor who can help you work through these issues together (If he’s acting this way now, is it safe to say some of this behavior was going on before you became co-workers?).

Dig deep. In my own life, I’ve found that not dealing with my stuff (like growing up with family addicts and all the awesome;) stuff that comes along with that sich) messed with my “business” on the homefront. I could be controlling and critical and fearful on the drop of a dime. I needed to get help before I could create more respect in my heart and marriage (for me this has shaped up as therapy and support groups like Al-Anon and lots of open converations with people from my friends to my husband—I’m still working it, believe me!). Are there any Big Hurts that need your attention? E.g. the verbal abuse (and that's what I consider put-downs of any sort) from your husband is something I’d encourage you to get help around asap. Also, think about the consequences if things don’t change on the major issues, like [“If working together is going to cause all this stress on our relationship, and things don’t change, then maybe we shouldn’t work together...”].

Take care of you. In the meantime, each and every day take care of yourself (eat, sleep, have quiet time, walk). Focus on and soak in your passions—this builds your confidence, self-respect and resilience during hard times like these. Lastly, reach out to your sisters. Sisterhood is another respect basic and for good reason: When you are diminished, I am diminished. When you are successful, I am successful. Don’t be embarrassed to go to your girlfriends for shoulders to lean on and ears to bend. You’ll be surprised to learn how they struggle too, and that they will listen with open hearts. If you don’t have close friends, put this high on your list of things to do for you. Take a risk and start creating strong relationships (another basic) and speaking up with your friends about what’s really going on with you (yet another basic). We all need support on the path to respect—and that need never goes away.

Comments (1) | by Courtney on February 2

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First, my bestfriend started going out with my ex. I let it go. Then I met a new guy, and she started cheating with him behind my back. What should I say to my new guy? What should I say to my friend?

Rx: Don’t you mean former friend ? No seriously, let’s talk about the friend first.

I admit: When I was in high school I messed around with a few guys who had girlfriends. I was insecure and didn't have strong boundaries yet. I wasn’t being honest with myself about a lot of things. I was taking scraps of lust (not love) instead of investing in myself. And I was hurting other girls in the process. I can safely say: Your friend is in serious trouble on the inside if she is doing this to you.

But, you need to respect yourself first. So set some boundaries with her. Relationships are built on trust. You can't trust her. Not with your men, but with your heart. She’s not respecting your friendship. Don’t spread rumors about her or cut her down or even cut her off. But do tell her that she hurt you and that you can’t hang around people who hurt you. Let her know that you know she can be a better person and can treat herself better (cheating doesn’t make you feel good deep down).

In your own time, you can think about forgiving her (but it doesn’t mean you need to be friends again). Next, think about what kinds of friends you want to hang with from now on. What kinds of friends would reflect your respect on the inside? How will you treat them? How will they treat you? Picture what this looks like to you: A relationship that’s loaded with respect, trust, and really liking each other for who you are. Speaking up when you hurt each other or have misunderstandings. Listening to each other and really trying to do better when disrespect has gone down.

As for the guy, if you haven’t already, set the same boundary with him. It's called: breaking up. Say something like: You really hurt me. I don’t give my heart to people who lie to me and hurt me. I’m moving on.

Real Girl Serar has some true-blue advice too: Looks to me like both your boyfriend and "friend" are disrespecting you. You deserve more than that, and looks like you already know what to do. Get on the phone and dump this guy. He’s definitely not worth your time! Respect yourself enough to choose the right people to hang around, people who care about you. Your "friend" may be a great person to hang out with, but it sounds like she’s more interested in her needs than yours. Good luck, girl!!

MORE INFO
See the Friends and Relationships chapters in RESPECT for more on breaking up and how to figure out healthy relationship/friendship rules. Or check out more tips here and here.

Comments (0) | by Courtney on September 1

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I had a boyfriend and he kept ignoring me so I broke up with him. He was really upset and wouldn't talk to anyone so I wrote him a note telling him I am sorry and that I still want to be his friend. He said that he never wanted to talk to me again and that this is the end of our relationship. What should I do?

Rx: First off, you respected yourself by calling things off because the relationship didn't feel good to you. It sounds like your ex-BF was being cold to you *before* you broke up with him, right? So it seems like after the breakup, he's just doing more of the same.

Here's the thing: If he didn't show you tons of care and support before, he probably isn't going to now. That's his problem and is not about you or about how awesome, smart, interesting, caring or inside-and-out beauteous you are. He might have a hard time expressing his true feelings or knowing how to be a great friend. But it's not your job to shape him into a great communicator or caring BF. If you told him how you felt, asked him to stop ignoring you, and he still didn't treat you how you want to be treated, (past or present) then it sounds like you made a really good decision.

So how can you accept your self-respecting decision and move on to greater things? Try these steps:

1. Respect his boundaries. Know that when and if he's ready to be a *respectful* friend to you, he'll reach out. To stay true to yourself, continue to be kind to him from a distance (like don't talk bad about him or spread rumors or start drama if he starts dating someone else).

2. Respect yours, too. Next, think about how you can stick to your boundaries for how you want to be treated in a relationship. Like: I want to go out with a guy who is a good friend to me, who listens to my feelings, and who I can have a good time with. I don't want to date people who treat me like (fill in the blank).

3. Heart/hug you. Even though I know on some level you still want him to be nice to you and acknowledge you (right?) sometimes people can't give us what we want. So ask yourself, how can I give *myself* what I wanted from that relationship? Can you:
...tell yourself you matter?
...tell yourself what is special about you?
...listen to you?
...encourage you to do the things you love or to try new things?
...make new friends who will like you for you and would NEVER ignore you?
...go out and have fun by yourself or with friends or family?
…say "I love you, girl" to yourself and mean it?

4. Branch out. Spend time doing things you love and that build your confidence. Hang with your friends and make it a point *not* to talk about him. Go on long walks and think about (or write in your journal about) who you are and who you want to be. Come up with ideas and goals for how you want to be an amazing respect role model for other girls. Think about how you want to spend your time each day and how you can spend it making yourself proud of YOU!

5. Dig deeper. It will also help to think about why you want a BF in the first place. And check out RESPECT, Chapter 7: Relationships. There is a section devoted to breakups and what to do for yourself after you make a tough decision to end it.

xoxox

Comments (0) | by Courtney on May 17

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Want to know the secret to getting along well with your friends, family and BF/GFs? It's all about R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

Now, a lot of people have different definitions of "respect." Some think you can demand respect, bully it out people, or that you have to be showed respect before you can give it. But actually, true respect starts on the inside. If you care about yourself, believe in yourself, and listen to yourself, you have the makings of some serious self-respect. And when you know how to respect yourself, you've got what it takes to make respect a basic in your relationships.

Knowing how to build mutual respect in relationships is super important. Because when it comes to respect you get what you give. Sometimes, though, disrespect rules relationships. Like when a friend spreads a rumor about you or makes fun of you all the time. Or if your mom loses her cool and yells at you to do your chores instead of just asking. Or when you slam your bedroom door or tell your brother to "shut up!" out of anger. Or often disrespect goes down when people simply don't listen to each other (sound familiar?).

Don't feel bad—all relationships have rough spots. There are times when you misunderstand each other and need to check in to keep things running smoothly. Conflicts can feel really uncomfortable but they actually make your friendships and families stronger if you’re all willing to work things out. If you don’t talk about what you need or when you're feelings are hurt, you risk growing further apart.

When tough stuff happens (even when you feel like you never want to talk to the person again!) speaking up is best way to get the respect flowing again. And to keep disrespect from taking over in the first place, be honest with friends and family members (respectfully, of course) about your boundaries and what needs to happen if your line has been crossed. The goal is to have a calm two-way conversation, where everyone gets a chance to have his or her say.

So the next time you need to deal with common disrespect dilemmas—or want to prevent disrespect from taking over your relationships—keep these 10 Rules in mind so you say what you mean, instead of something you’ll regret:

Rule #1: Think ahead of time about what you’re going to say to your friend or family member. What’s bothering you? What happened? How did it make you feel? What would make things better? Before you state your case, think about what you want and why. Say it in your mind first, so it comes out the way you want it to. If you’re nervous, try writing this stuff down and then rehearsing it out-loud in front of the mirror.

Rule #2: Pick a good time. For instance, you don’t want to talk about a hot-button subject with your dad when he just got home from a tough day at work, was stuck in traffic, and now has to fix dinner. And you especially don’t want to start in when you just got busted for something or didn’t fulfill an obligation. If you can, also try not to confront your friends or family members in front of other people. Instead, find a place that feels safe and private. Ask them when they're free to talk in private (but see #9 for an exception to this rule.)

Rule #3: Watch your body language. If your hands are on your hips and you’re sighing, rolling your eyes, pointing fingers, or stomping around, the conversation can quickly turn into an argument.

Rule #4: Focus on how you feel (not on all the things the person has done wrong), so he or she will hear you out instead of getting defensive. Don’t use phrases like that will put your friend/family member on the defensive, like “You always ______!” or “You never ______!” Instead, be specific about what’s bothering you and what you want to change. Like, “I feel ______ when you make comments about my weight. It makes me self-conscious, and I need you to stop.”

Rule #5: Be assertive, which means using a strong, confident voice and making eye contact. Your feelings and needs are important. You want to make sure your boundaries are clear—that the person knows how you feel and what you want. But then be prepared to talk it out and even negotiate a solution.

Rule #6: Make sure you're both tuned in. If it seems like the person isn’t listening to you (like your mom is looking down), or seems uncomfortable (your friend is furrowing his brow), ask a question to loosen things up. Try, “Do you want to talk about this later?” or “How do you feel about things?" If they get defensive, ask them if they'd like more time to think about what you’ve said. Offer to talk about it again later when they're ready.

Rule #7: Listen, too. During a conflict, it often helps to listen more than you talk. When your parents or friends are responding, try not to think only about your next comeback. To show respect, make eye contact and show respect by letting them finish. Don’t interrupt, because if you do, they’ll think you’re not really listening. And let them know they were heard. Try, “I hear what you’re saying. You’re worried about how I spend my time on the weekends.” Or "I didn't know you felt that way, now I understand."

Rule #8: Try to stay calm. During conflicts, most people start showing signs of stress (faster breathing, a pounding heart). This may sound too easy, but right when you feel yourself getting upset, try to focus on your breathing. Even if you still feel your heart racing, the extra oxygen you’re sucking in actually helps your entire body calm down. If your feelings overwhelm you and you start to cry or get really angry, just say you need a minute or ask the person if you can talk again later.

Rule #9: Ask for help. If the friend or family member you’re in conflict with happens to rule your clique or has intimidated you in the past, you might feel more confident if you have someone else close by for support. Your supporter can stand near you, or within earshot, so she can step in if the conversation gets loud or you’re physically threatened. Or you may want to ask the person to help clear up the misunderstanding (like your mom might be able to help out if the conflict is with a sibling) so you can all get back on the path to respect safely.

Rule #10: End the conversation in a way you both feel good about. If your friend or family member says she’s sorry, try to accept her apology gracefully and don’t hold things against her later on. Thank her for listening and let her know that you really appreciate the way she handled herself. Set some joint ground rules for how you'll treat each other in the future.

Creating respect in your relationships does take time and effort. But it's worth it because building strong relationships makes you stronger! Remember, boundaries aren't about keeping people out, they're about letting people in. So know how you want to be treated. And then treat yourself, your friends and family members how you want to be treated. That's Respect 101.

Adapted from RESPECT: A Girl's Guide to Getting Respect & Dealing When Your Line Is Crossed. Copyright © 2005, Courtney Macavinta and Andrea Vander Pluym. For use with permission from Free Spirit Publishing. For more information, contact Amy Dillahunt, 612-338-2068, dillahunt@freespirit.com. Illustration by Catherine LePage © Free Spirit Publishing Inc. 2005.

Comments (0) | by Courtney on May 12

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I have not had a long-term boyfriend. All of my friends have. I just want someone to hold me and be with me. I love that feeling that you get from a boy who cares about and wants to be with you (I have never really gotten that but I want it). I have a friend who always has boys around her and it hurts me because I'm with her all the time. No one pays attention to me. It makes me feel like crying.

Rx: I've so been there! You want to be noticed and loved and you don't want to be left out. There's nothing wrong with that. The question is, how can you get what you really need?

There is this thing called "validation" and we all need it. When you're validated, it's like 100% confirmation that you matter and mean something to the world. Hey, I'm the first to admit that I used to look to guys (or how they looked at me) to get validated. But to be honest, getting attention from boys—or being hooked up with one—never filled that empty space in my heart.

Even though many of us LOVE, LOVE boys, to feel really special as a girl, it has nothing to do with guys (though we're often sold that in love stories, right?). Feeling like the queens we are has nothing to do with boys' reactions to us or being "chosen" or being in a relationship. Feeling loveable has *everything* to do with you. (This is really good news!!!)

The secret to always feeling loveable is to love the one you're with (you!). This will get you through those dark moments when you feel like crying (oh, sweetie!), or when you feel like your friend is the flava of the year.

The real secret to self-respect and feeling cared about is giving yourself what you need.

When no one is paying attention to you, know that you deserve some extra TLC. Can your mom or dad take you to lunch? Can your big sis or aunt go to the beach with you so you can catch up? Can your girls cheer you on as you do something you love or try something new? Can your BFF listen whole-heartedly as you tell her what you just told me? This is the kind of yummy attention you can eat up and that fills you up for life (vs. a guy's fleeting attention when you're feeling lonely).

I know you're an amazing girl because you're here on planet Earth! So for right now, spend some time discovering all your hidden talents, passions, opinions and what you have to offer the world. This will boost your confidence and make you stronger. And interestingly enough, passionate self-respecting people are really attractive. All kinds of people will be drawn to you and want to know you better. They will know there "is just something about that girl!" And it will be your radiant-self-respecting-girl-on-a-mission vibe.

Now, don't get me wrong. I know you're at a natural point in life when we girls start to like/love/crush on people (sometimes around the clock). Our brain can feel like it's drenched in Love Potion No. 9. It seems like nothing matters but finding a BF/GF or talking about finding a BF/GF or crying over breaking up with a BF/GF.

Still, if you go looking for attention when your self-respect is low, you often get the opposite: sucky attention. You're more easily hurt. People might use you. You're more likely to go against your boundaries to please someone. You might get physical before you're ready because you're desperate for someone to care about you.

But when your self-respect is booming, and you meet a really cool self-respecting guy (they're out there!), it won't be like that. You'll get to know each other super well. You'll care about each other. You'll honor each other's boundaries. You won't stomp on each other's feelings. You'll admire, trust and respect each other. You won't turn to each other for attention that's missing in your life, but to have FUN and FRIENDSHIP.

I want your life to be rich, totally blinged out from top to bottom. So when you're feeling down, don't settle for cheap attention. Invest in your self-respect and give yourself the real thing: True l-o-v-e for y-o-u.

Real Girl Serar can totally relate and has this to add: I was the same way once. I was craving a boyfriend. Then I realized that I'm going to have the rest of my life to find that someone.

When were 15 (like you), we you should be working on who we want to be, what we want to do, and just focusing on ourselves as a whole. It might seem hard, especially with your friend getting attention. But remember one thing: If you are your own person, and don't care what anyone thinks of you, people will respect you for it. And people will also start to notice you.

Boys are something definitely not worth crying over. Trust me, I’ve had my share. I just had to break up with this guy who I really, really liked because it was getting too serious. The whole time I was thinking, I’m too young for this kind of commitment. And I still believe that I did the right thing. Girls at our age are more mature than boys, and want different things from a relationship. You can’t always trust that just because a guy wants to be with you that he loves you and that you'll feel better about yourself. It doesn't usually work that way.

For right now, don’t worry about finding a guy that will like you. Once you like yourself for who you really are, everyone else—including boys—will do the same.

More Info >
RESPECT Chapter 7: Relationships

Comments (1) | by Courtney on March 16

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Girls who have significant symptoms of depression as teens are 86% more likely than their peers to become victims of abuse from a boyfriend or husband as young women, according to a UC San Francisco study published in the March issue of the Archives of Pediatrics & Adolescent Medicine.

Rx: There are so many tough things we go through as teen girls that can lead to disrespect and abuse later in life. Now (no surprise) we can add teen depression to the list.

This is why Getting Help is a Respect Basic. Every girl needs to know how to ask for help whenever she needs it. And you need to know that when you get help you're respecting and standing for yourself (that there's nothing wrong with you). And when our friends, sisters and daughters don't ask for help, we need to trust our guts and reach out with open arms and open ears when they might need us most (like if they are sinking into deep depression).

The thing is, dating violence is already out of control in teen relationships: 57% of U.S. teens know friends who have experienced physical, sexual or verbal abuse in their BF/GF relationships. Abuse is the darkest form of disrespect and it derails young women's lives and potential. It's a world crisis that we can't ignore: 1 in 3 females worldwide have been abused in some way.

So when we add the risk factor that girls who are significantly depressed as teens are more vulnerable to abuse later on, it's time to step in and take action:

Dealing with depression. There are so many respect connections here. For example, girls who experiment with drugs, alcohol and sex are two to three times more likely to become depressed than those who don't (was totally true for me when I was teen). So first, let's focus on helping girls learn how to make choices that pass their gut checks and honor their boundaries (see RESPECT Chapters 1 & 2).

But not all depression is brought on by past choices or abuse—many teens are hit with clinical depression. So know the signs of depression. Also get help. Call you doctor or get help here, here or here if you or someone you know is depressed.

Know the cycle of abuse. Even if a girl isn't depressed, she could still be abused at some point (and if she wasn't depressed before, well now she will be). She might be berated and called names by her BF/GF. She might be slapped, hit, kicked or bitten by her BF/GF. She might be threatened with a knife or gun. She might be raped by someone she is dating or married to.

So one way to help any girl (including yourself) break the cycle is to know what to look for. Check out Love is Not Abuse or Break the Cycle to learn about the cycle of abuse, which goes something like this:
Tension builds and the abuser is verbally abusive ->
He explodes and beats up or rapes his girlfriend ->
He says he feels bad, is sorry or even buys his GF presents ->
She's afraid to leave or beaten down emotionally and stays ->
It starts all over again…

Spread respect. Let other girls or your daughters or other women know about the depression-abuse connection. Tell them about the cycle of abuse. Support them by letting them know their choices if they need help in any way. Listen real hard. (If you are forceful and bossy, they often feel attacked again—by you).

Mentor for or sign up for powerful after-school programs that boost girls self-respect (like these). Also, stay on top of the Violence Against Women Act (VAWA). It was just re-authorized by Congress is supposed to fund more dating violence prevention programs for teens as well as anti-stalking measures. But overall funding was slashed. So we need to keep asking for what we need, and we need laws like VAWA on our side. (That is, until person is safe from abuse.)

You can do it!
Here's a project you can take on today to create social change. You can order—for FREE—these helpline cards and hand them out to anyone and everyone. They're cute, small and can fit in your wallet (and they come in English and Spanish). Teens I mentor through Girls For A Change handed out more than 1,000 of these cards to guys and girls at in just a few weeks!

Comments (0) | by Courtney on March 9

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My boyfriend and I have been going out for six months and he says he loves me and wants to have sex. How do I know if I'm really ready?

Rx: The answer is different for everyone. But I do know that deciding whether or not to be sexually active is not just a question of will you or won't you? Actually, I think there are at least 7 Questions you should ask yourself (for starters!). And not just the first time, but every time you consider getting intimate, physical or letting someone near your most sacred space (body and mind and heart—a.k.a. You!).

Chapter 9 in RESPECT is really juicy and covers everything about the sex-respect connection. It's 20 pages because this is a HUGE topic. I hope you'll read it from cover-to-cover because anything in the sex-o-sphere (from intercourse to oral sex to touching to making out to major snuggling) *without* respect is always risky.

The thing is, being "ready" for sex is really not about sex at all. Making sexual choices—like all choices—comes down to having The 7 Respect Basics down. It's about:
…knowing yourself (super well) inside and out.
…loving yourself.
…trusting your gut.
…being comfortable with yourself and in your skin.
…knowing and sticking to your boundaries and values.
…feeling confident to speak up about what you need and want.
…being truthful about your feelings.
…knowing how create mutually respectful relationships.
…getting support and good info to help you make smart decisions.

Sounds like a lot more than jumping under the covers or diving into the hook-up pool, doesn't it? If you can remember two things before you run out and read the RESPECT Sex chapter:), remember this:
• Whether you're going to have sex or kiss or anything in between is always a choice—your choice.
• Sex is always connected to respect.

Even still, a lot of us girls and women have sex for reasons or due to circumstances that just don't add up to respect. So before you even think about going there (again, not just the first time but every time), start by asking yourself The 7 Questions:

1. What are your beliefs and values?
Your values are your code in life. Every person's code is different. Your code relates to your goals, upbringing, standards for you how you want to be treated, and what kind of person you want to be. So thinking about what sex means to you and how you want it to be a part of your life—or not—will help you decide your boundaries.

Like, what kind of relationship do you want to be in before you get intimate? Do you want to be at a certain point in your life before you have sex? What are your familial, cultural or spiritual values about sex and relationships? See pages 123 and 131 in RESPECT for more questions you can explore to get in touch with your beliefs and values about sex.

"Too many sexual things happen in spur of the moment. I want to be really good friends with the person, to be committed and I would want my parents to know that I was in a relationship with him/her. Overall trust is important," Phoebe, 15.

2. What are your boundaries?
You need to know your boundaries before you hook up with anyone in any way. Why? Because boundaries are not just about keeping people out, they're about letting people in. In relationships we use boundaries to let people know how we feel and how we want to be treated and what's OK with us (and what's so not OK!).

The other thing is: You need a foundation before you can safely test the limits of any activity. Like you wouldn’t be able to climb Mount Everest just because you went on your first hike last week, right? So before you get casual about sex—like many girls tell me they're doing these days and so did I before I made the respect connection—take it seriously first. You’re too valuable to treat yourself casually. You also need to know how you feel about the other forms of physical intimacy, such as kissing and touching. Even with more experience, you still might decide that casual sex (not being in a relationship with partners or one-night stands or group sex) is not right for you because it doesn’t build your self-respect but tears it down.

In the heat of the moment it can be hard to decide your boundaries or you can be swayed by pressure to do stuff you hadn't planned on doing. So think about what is appropriate for you when it comes to getting intimate *before* that day ever comes. What is safe, comfortable and doesn't go against your values?

Letting your boundaries be known can also help you avoid being pressured. If you let your BF/GF/crushes know your beliefs and values about sex, they'll know your boundaries from the get-go (and if they pressure you to do otherwise that's totally disrespectful). When you don't know your boundaries, you also might make choices that don't pass your gut checks, and that leave you feeling regretful or hurt. Knowing your boundaries also helps keep you safe. You'll always know where your line is and go at a pace that's right for you.

"More and more girls are thinking of sex casually—the downside is that aren’t always respecting their bodies or acknowledging that sex is a bond or a connection that’s intimate. So they feel like something is missing and it is," Jasmine, 16.

3. What do you know about your body?
Your body is where you live. Before you let someone into your space, get to know it yourself. Sex Ed. comes in all shapes and sizes. But having self-respect is all about educating yourself so you can make good choices. So get information from multiple, reliable sources about how your body works and what can happen if you become sexually active and what's the deal with all those feelings you might be having for the first time.

Here are some hints: Get involved with your health care. Read books and ask your parents (they do know this stuff!), big sister or doctor about your reproductive system (the stuff on the inside), genitalia (the stuff on the outside) and the sexual response cycle (those feelings and tingles all over). Check out Help! for more resources.

4. Do you know the risks?
Being sexually active comes with physical risks (e.g. you can get sexually transmitted diseases or you can get pregnant) and emotional ones (e.g. your self-worth or feelings can get hurt, you can feel vulnerable, you can have questions about your sexual identity and so on...). When it comes to the nuts-and-bolts, you need to know the facts, like:

• What are STDS and how can you prevent them? For instance, teens represent more than half of new HIV cases worldwide. And kids getting ghonorrea—in their throats—is on the rise due to unprotected oral sex (yikes!).

• What's your partner's status? Have you both been tested for all STDs? Have you both been treated if you were infected in the past? And do you know what to do to prevent contracting or spreading STDs that stay with you like HIV, HPV and herpes? (Don't know what those terms mean? Look 'em up...)

• How can you get pregnant and what's the deal with contraception? Did you know you can get pregnant on your period or if a guy pulls out or even if you use a condom or if you skip a birth control pill? You can also get free contraceptive advice and birth control from many clinics nationwide. Before you get physical, you need to know your options. And you need to have a talk with any partner about your mutual responsibilities and what you'll do if you get pregnant (this is a good time to check back in with your values and beliefs). Check out Help! to find more info about the risks.

"When I had unprotected sex I feel like I disrespected myself because I wasn’t taking care of myself," Katy, 14.

5. Can you speak up and be honest?
Kissing can feel so nice. Being touched by a BF/GF can feel exciting. But intimacy and sex aren’t just about chemistry and turn-ons—they are forms of communication. That said, you also need to use words, too!

You have to be honest with yourself about what you expect. And you have to be honest with your partner. If you can't be honest about your boundaries, what you want, and what you need, then hold off. And if your relationship isn't loaded with trust, respect and admiration, put on the brakes. Because you and your partner need to be able to talk about EVERYTHING, like: your feelings, beliefs, values, boundaries, needs, health, STD status, and how you will share responsibility when it comes to risk factors (for starters!). Like you need to be able to:
• say "no" and be heard.
• say "stop" and be heard.
• be honest about your feelings (and what you're feeling on the physical front).
• set boundaries without feeling like you need to apologize for what you want or make it seem like it’s only a suggestion.
• communicate your feelings or ask for what you need without having to giggle, smile or avoid eye contact when you're talking.

(Hmmm…these basics apply to any relationship, actually!)

So you can see, when it comes to sex, you just can't let your body do all the talking. And if you have to lie—to yourself, people you really care about (like your parents) or to your partner—about your sexual activity or what feels right (or wrong) then it's time for a gut check about your choices. Remember, it's never to late to slow down until you think about it more.

"You should be able to not have sex but still be able to care about each other strongly and talk about everything!" Sarah, 15.

6. Are you being pressured?
I mean is everybody really doing it? And if they are, what's that got to do with Ms. You and your fabulously self-respecting boundaries? Nothing. If you are pressured to do anything you don't want to do—and you've made that clear—the people who are pushing are not being good friends to you. Period. Same goes for sex.

When you have doubts, listen to gut and speak up. Because healthy relationships are based on mutual admiration, trust, honest communication and respect. If you’ve been honest about your feelings, then no one should hound you for sex or set deadlines for you.

Don’t feel like you have to promise to be ready by some date on a calendar, like the prom or a school holiday. You don't have to follow the examples you see in the media either (like people cementing their relationships by doing it). And when you say no to sexual intercourse, don't feel like you have to give a "consolation prize" by getting physical in some other way. (See RESPECT for tons of sample boundaries you can use!).

Someone who deserves your trust, respect, and love won't want to have sex with you if it's not what you want. Always put your self-respect first: you are your partner for life.

"In many groups at school, it’s the norm to have sex and if you don't it’s considered a 'bad' relationship. People treat it like it’s nothing special or amazing," Brooke, 15.

7. Are you emotionally ready?
Just because your body feels ready to go, are your heart and head ready too? Many girls and young women say that their first sexual experiences sucked real bad and led to a lot of heartache later on. (And I can second that emotion.) If you’re not ready—or have sex for the wrong reasons such as being pressured—you can get caught in disrespect loop that leads to repeat unsatisfying hook-ups and low self-respect.

To know if you're emotionally ready, check back in with those Respect Basics. How much do you respect yourself? Are your relationships—with friends, family, BF/GFs—booming with respect? Do you totally value and trust yourself? Where are you getting your ideas about sex? Hopefully not from movies or TV in which life on the screen is not like the real thing.

Being emotionally ready for something as big as sex, will take some time. Everyone learns and matures and different rates, and sex definately doesn't speed up the process.

And what if it doesn't feel right? The basics come in here too. Sometimes girls have sex and afterwards feel a mix of negative emotions. Like let's say you had am empty-feeling sexual experience and now you label yourself something mean, like "I'm a slut." This is a sign you need some support, to set new boundaries, and to invest in your self-respect before you get back out there.

Think about questions like: Are you getting physical to find love? Do you want to be accepted? Are you starving for attention? Has something happened in the past that is leading to this disrespectful behavior now? How did you feel before you had sex? Or what feeling were you maybe trying to cover up/relieve?

Even if your self-respect and relationship are going strong, some girls want to wait to venture into sexual territory because they have amazing goals they don't want sidetracked by getting pregnant, for example. Others just want to have fun with their friends and build their self-respect without dealing with answering *all* these questions right now.

You might be inexperienced but you're smart beyond imagination. So when in doubt, always do what you know is right for you (when it comes to everything!).

The final word? If you're not ready and willing to explore The 7 Questions, or to make The 7 Respect Basics a part of your life and choices, then I guess I do have a simple answer for you after all. Are you ready to have sex? Not yet…

More Info >
Help!

Adapted from Respect: A Girl’s Guide to Getting Respect and Dealing When Your Line Is Crossed by Courtney Macavinta and Andrea Vander Pluym © 2005. Used with permission of Free Spirit Publishing Inc., Minneapolis, MN; 1-866-703-7322; www.freespirit.com. All rights reserved.

Comments (0) | by Courtney on March 3

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ORGS + WEB SITES
American Social Health Association (ASHA)
www.ashastd.org
Provides clear instructions for how to use both female and male condoms, and facts about STDs. Recommended by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC).

Out Proud
www.outproud.org
The Web site for the National Coalition for Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual & Transgender Youth has everything you need to explore, gain confidence in, and build respect for your sexual identity. Includes a comprehensive, searchable reading list.

Planned Parenthood Federation of America (PPFA)
800-230-7526
www.plannedparenthood.org
Nationwide, PPFA provides comprehensive reproductive and complementary health care services in settings that preserve and protect the privacy and rights of girls. You can call the 800 number to ask questions or schedule an appointment with a clinic near you. Their Web site offers reliable information about sex, pregnancy, and more.

Scarleteen
www.scarleteen.com
Offers big-sister advice on relationships, sexuality, sexual intimacy, building trust, communicating, and strategies for appreciating your body.

Sex, Etc.
www.sxetc.org
The name pretty much says it all. Written by teens for teens (and sponsored by Rutgers University) this site provides practical sex info and covers many other topics, including relationships, emotional health, and abuse. Check out "The Roadmap: A Teen Guide to Changing Your School's Sex Ed."

Sexuality Information & Education Council of the United States (SIECUS)
212-819-9770
www.siecus.org
A diverse clearinghouse for information about sexuality education, sexual health, and sexual rights programs.

Teen Wire
www.teenwire.com
Offers great advice on family matters, friendships, relationships, and sexual choices and health. Sponsored by Planned Parenthood Federation of America.

When Love Hurts
www.dvirc.org.au/whenlove/index.htm
A teen girl's online guide to creating respectful romantic relationships. Includes true stories, abuse and respect checklists, and advice on how to break up.

BOOKS
Changing Bodies, Changing Lives: A Book for Teens on Sex and Relationships
by Ruth Bell
Written by the authors of the classic book that your mom probably read, Our Bodies, Ourselves, this book thoroughly covers relationships, sex, and sexuality—the emotional and physical issues and risks.

The Teen Survival Guide To Dating & Relating: Real-World Advice on Guys, Girls, Growing Up, and Getting Along
by Annie Fox
How to know if you're ready to date and how to deal with all the related dating dilemmas.

GLBTQ: The Survival Guide for Queer and Questioning Teens
by Kelly Huegel
Advice, true stories, and resources for exploring gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender relationships, dating, and more.

The Go Ask Alice Book of Answers: A Guide to Good Physical, Sexual, and Emotional Health
by Columbia University's Health Education Program
Based on the popular Web site by the same name, get answers to questions about your body, sex, and emotional well-being.

The Real Truth About Teens and Sex
by Sabrina Weill
A top editor at major teen magazines for more than a decade, Sabrina has earned the trust of millions of teens across the country. Through thousands of letters, e-mails, and interviews, and now in an exclusive nationwide survey, teens have confided in her, voicing their questions, fears, and concerns-and providing front-line reports on what really goes on at parties, at school, before parents get home from work, online, and elsewhere.

Slut! Growing Up Female with a Bad Reputation
by Leora Tanenbaum
Get behind the real meaning of how girls and others are using the word "slut"—and what to do about it.

Look It Up: Web Search Terms
"teen relationships" + advice
"safe sex"
sex + education + teens + .org
teen + sexuality + .org

Comments (0) | by Courtney on December 29

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