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Want to know the secret to getting along well with your friends, family and BF/GFs? It's all about R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

Now, a lot of people have different definitions of "respect." Some think you can demand respect, bully it out people, or that you have to be showed respect before you can give it. But actually, true respect starts on the inside. If you care about yourself, believe in yourself, and listen to yourself, you have the makings of some serious self-respect. And when you know how to respect yourself, you've got what it takes to make respect a basic in your relationships.

Knowing how to build mutual respect in relationships is super important. Because when it comes to respect you get what you give. Sometimes, though, disrespect rules relationships. Like when a friend spreads a rumor about you or makes fun of you all the time. Or if your mom loses her cool and yells at you to do your chores instead of just asking. Or when you slam your bedroom door or tell your brother to "shut up!" out of anger. Or often disrespect goes down when people simply don't listen to each other (sound familiar?).

Don't feel bad—all relationships have rough spots. There are times when you misunderstand each other and need to check in to keep things running smoothly. Conflicts can feel really uncomfortable but they actually make your friendships and families stronger if you’re all willing to work things out. If you don’t talk about what you need or when you're feelings are hurt, you risk growing further apart.

When tough stuff happens (even when you feel like you never want to talk to the person again!) speaking up is best way to get the respect flowing again. And to keep disrespect from taking over in the first place, be honest with friends and family members (respectfully, of course) about your boundaries and what needs to happen if your line has been crossed. The goal is to have a calm two-way conversation, where everyone gets a chance to have his or her say.

So the next time you need to deal with common disrespect dilemmas—or want to prevent disrespect from taking over your relationships—keep these 10 Rules in mind so you say what you mean, instead of something you’ll regret:

Rule #1: Think ahead of time about what you’re going to say to your friend or family member. What’s bothering you? What happened? How did it make you feel? What would make things better? Before you state your case, think about what you want and why. Say it in your mind first, so it comes out the way you want it to. If you’re nervous, try writing this stuff down and then rehearsing it out-loud in front of the mirror.

Rule #2: Pick a good time. For instance, you don’t want to talk about a hot-button subject with your dad when he just got home from a tough day at work, was stuck in traffic, and now has to fix dinner. And you especially don’t want to start in when you just got busted for something or didn’t fulfill an obligation. If you can, also try not to confront your friends or family members in front of other people. Instead, find a place that feels safe and private. Ask them when they're free to talk in private (but see #9 for an exception to this rule.)

Rule #3: Watch your body language. If your hands are on your hips and you’re sighing, rolling your eyes, pointing fingers, or stomping around, the conversation can quickly turn into an argument.

Rule #4: Focus on how you feel (not on all the things the person has done wrong), so he or she will hear you out instead of getting defensive. Don’t use phrases like that will put your friend/family member on the defensive, like “You always ______!” or “You never ______!” Instead, be specific about what’s bothering you and what you want to change. Like, “I feel ______ when you make comments about my weight. It makes me self-conscious, and I need you to stop.”

Rule #5: Be assertive, which means using a strong, confident voice and making eye contact. Your feelings and needs are important. You want to make sure your boundaries are clear—that the person knows how you feel and what you want. But then be prepared to talk it out and even negotiate a solution.

Rule #6: Make sure you're both tuned in. If it seems like the person isn’t listening to you (like your mom is looking down), or seems uncomfortable (your friend is furrowing his brow), ask a question to loosen things up. Try, “Do you want to talk about this later?” or “How do you feel about things?" If they get defensive, ask them if they'd like more time to think about what you’ve said. Offer to talk about it again later when they're ready.

Rule #7: Listen, too. During a conflict, it often helps to listen more than you talk. When your parents or friends are responding, try not to think only about your next comeback. To show respect, make eye contact and show respect by letting them finish. Don’t interrupt, because if you do, they’ll think you’re not really listening. And let them know they were heard. Try, “I hear what you’re saying. You’re worried about how I spend my time on the weekends.” Or "I didn't know you felt that way, now I understand."

Rule #8: Try to stay calm. During conflicts, most people start showing signs of stress (faster breathing, a pounding heart). This may sound too easy, but right when you feel yourself getting upset, try to focus on your breathing. Even if you still feel your heart racing, the extra oxygen you’re sucking in actually helps your entire body calm down. If your feelings overwhelm you and you start to cry or get really angry, just say you need a minute or ask the person if you can talk again later.

Rule #9: Ask for help. If the friend or family member you’re in conflict with happens to rule your clique or has intimidated you in the past, you might feel more confident if you have someone else close by for support. Your supporter can stand near you, or within earshot, so she can step in if the conversation gets loud or you’re physically threatened. Or you may want to ask the person to help clear up the misunderstanding (like your mom might be able to help out if the conflict is with a sibling) so you can all get back on the path to respect safely.

Rule #10: End the conversation in a way you both feel good about. If your friend or family member says she’s sorry, try to accept her apology gracefully and don’t hold things against her later on. Thank her for listening and let her know that you really appreciate the way she handled herself. Set some joint ground rules for how you'll treat each other in the future.

Creating respect in your relationships does take time and effort. But it's worth it because building strong relationships makes you stronger! Remember, boundaries aren't about keeping people out, they're about letting people in. So know how you want to be treated. And then treat yourself, your friends and family members how you want to be treated. That's Respect 101.

Adapted from RESPECT: A Girl's Guide to Getting Respect & Dealing When Your Line Is Crossed. Copyright © 2005, Courtney Macavinta and Andrea Vander Pluym. For use with permission from Free Spirit Publishing. For more information, contact Amy Dillahunt, 612-338-2068, dillahunt@freespirit.com. Illustration by Catherine LePage © Free Spirit Publishing Inc. 2005.

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