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A girl at school is telling everyone that I'm a slut because I'm going out with her ex-boyfriend. It feels like everyone is turning against me.

Rx: First, let's break down the anatomy of a "slut" rumor, which we all know is one of the top weapons girls (and guys) use to take someone down. Usually when a girl is called a slut or "ho," it’s, uh, not meant as a compliment. And the rumors (like that a girl has given the whole football sexual favors, has diseases or does threesomes) can be damaging beyond the classroom.

So is spreading slut rumors just girls being girls? No way. It's disrespect taking over when our self-respect has gone into hiding (we've all been there!). When a girl calls another girl a slut, numerous fear factors could be at work, like:

Taboo sexuality. A girl’s sexuality has long been a hush-hush topic. Some have been brought up to think that a girl should stay pure or hold out until marriage, and they label girls sluts as punishment for not being virgins or for simply being viewed as desirable. Society also seems to get uncomfortable with the fact that females do have desire. And that’s why attacking a girl by calling her a slut can be considered such a slam. Whether girls are sexually active or not, if someone thinks sexuality/sexual thoughts are bad then calling someone a slut is the same as saying you're WAY bad, wrong, dirty or worthless. See how that works?

Insecurity and competition. Some girls are afraid that sexy or pretty girls will take all the guys and so they make the first defensive move by tarnishing the girls' reputations. Some are afraid their boyfriends will dump them for a so-called slut because it's a common belief that all that boys want is sex and more sex. It's not always true. But that's what movies, videos and TV shows (and the actions of some of the boys we know) tend to make us believe. If a girl doesn't want to "give it up" but another girl does so freely, then sometimes the logic follows that the boyfriend will dump the virgin for the sexually experienced girl. Then jealousy takes over and rumors fly.

There are also the girls who call girls sluts for revenge for one thing or another, throwing the name around for reasons that have nothing to do with sex at all. A girl might be different from the in-crowd or dress in a revealing fashion or in a way that calls attention to her. Or maybe a girl’s body filled in when all of her female classmates were still shopping in the little girl’s section. She might be confident in herself and her talents, which girls with low self-respect find intimidating and so they label her a slut. Girls admit that they spread nasty rumors when they are feeling insecure and competitive.

Judgment. So you know for a fact—you have witnesses and sworn testimony—that a girl in your history class has slept with five guys in five days. That makes her a card-carrying slut in your book. Before you start gossiping or hurling insults, stop and ask yourself: If it were true, why would she do that anyway?

Although a girl's sexuality is her business, numerous studies show that teen girls who have frequent sexual encounters that lack trust and real intimacy are more likely to have been sexually abused as children, have low self-worth and are in more danger of getting STDs or becoming pregnant. So before you get all superior, remember that a girl could be labeled a slut because she’s misunderstood or being unfairly judged. Or she could be hurting or confused so don't kick her when she's down. (Remember, she's your sistah by another motha!)

If any of these scenarios sound familiar, here's what you can do to burn down the rumor mill:

Build your self-respect. When you care about yourself, have goals, do stuff you love, don't talk down to yourself, have supportive friends, and know you're super special *just* because you are here on planet Earth—you are stronger in the face of bad situations. You are less likely to live up to a nasty rumor, take it to heart, or to take bad treatment without fighting for your rights. And you're really less likely to need to hurt other girls to make yourself feel better.

Is your self-respect running low? Make a list of all the amazing things you want to do with your life and time. Now get started! Or answer this question: I respect myself because: (list 10 reasons). RESPECT also offers tons of ways you can invest in you. Keep thinking of your self-respect like a bank account. If you don't make deposits then you'll be too broke to pay your respects to yourself and others.

Set those boundaries. If you're sick of being the star of the "rumor of the week," go to the source if you feel comfortable. Tell the person how the rumor is hurting you, like: "We used to be friends, and it hurts my feelings that you're saying stuff behind my back. I want you to stop, and for us to work things out." And keep believing in yourself and hanging out with people who know the real you and who will set the record straight when the rumor comes their way.

Get help. If the rumors don't stop and you're afraid to go to school, talk to your parents or another trusted adult (like a school or helpline counselor at 1-800-839-4ERA) about your options. If the situation is totally out of hand, do you want to report it? (Trust your gut, but please do report it!) Do you need support in making new friends? Are you being physically threatened and need protection right away? Do you want to switch schools? If you're in danger or are shutting down, again, trust your gut and reach out for help.

Report it. If your school receives federal funds it has to have an anti-harassment policy (and sexual rumors are a form of harassment). If the person doesn't stop or is still harassing others, get ready to report it. Sexual harassment won't stop unless we all take a stand against it. Take these steps to report it.

Spread respect. Have you ever spread a rumor or watched girls fight at school? How about spreading some respect instead. Whenever you don't like what's going down in your world—change it and change yourself for the better!
• When you gotta problem with someone, be real and tell her how you feel. Give your friends a chance to improve before you cut them off and out of your group.
• Don't call others names like "slut," "ho," "bitch" or anything degrading—it sends the message to the world that it's OK to disrespect girls and it's not.
• Get together with other kids and make your school's anti-harassment policy known. Set the tone for how you want your school (world) to be by holding a Respect Day. This might sound cheesy, but you can fight for equal rights by raising awareness. Read more about the civil rights movement if you're not yet convinced:).
• If your school doesn't have a harassment policy, lead the charge to create one just like these teens.
• Start, join or promote after-school programs that give you and your friends skills and boost your self-respect. Ask for more mentoring programs. Invite cool speakers to your school. In other words, help build everyone's self-respect (especially the "mean" girls!).

And the last step to help end the rumor mill (and all the drama that comes with it) practice using the F-word…(it's not what you think!).

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RESPECT Chapters 11 and 12

RESPECT co-author Andrea Vander Pluym contributed to this post.

Comments (0) | by Courtney on February 22

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