Sure, respect is an inside job. Every girl has to commit to finding, building and keeping her self-respect. But we can throw our support a sistah's way. We can encourage her that she’s worth the effort. We can be there for her when disrespect has got her down. That’s what this sisterhood thing is all about, right? Here are 5 ways to help a girl (or woman or friend) invest in her self-respect:

1. Point out her strengths
Forget dishing advice about a how a girl can improve when it comes to her weaknesses. Instead, compliment her on her strengths (she already has many, guaranteed!). Let her know how amazing she is and how impressed you are by her talents and gifts. Highlighting her strengths (daily if necessary) is essential: She might be focusing on what’s wrong with her and not see all that's special about her.

But it’s important not to attach pressure or a prescription to your compliment like: You’re so great at math, you should become an engineer. Here are the colleges you should apply to but they’re very tough to get into, so you should... Instead, plant a seed so she can grow by using her strengths, like: You’re so great at math, do you enjoy it? If the answer is yes: If you want to spend more time flexing your math brain, let me know. Would you want to help me balance the family’s checkbook? It’s an important job and you’d be awesome at it if you’re interested. Whether you’re a parent, coach, supervisor at work, teacher or mentor, give her tons of opportunities to play to her strengths so she can boost her confidence, skills and self-respect along the way.

2. Encourage her passions
You have your dreams, and the girls in your life have theirs (even if they don’t know it yet). Behind every poster child for self-respect is a long list of passions that are being pursued, fulfilled and never ignored. Cheer girls to go after their passions. Coach them about to explore their interests and balance their passions with their responsibilities. Support them however you can—whether it be a ride to lesson they never want to miss, packing them a snack to keep their energy up, or just asking them about their passions and how they make them feel. Share with them the limitless potential we all have. For inspiration, offer examples of your heroes and role models. Ask them who they admire and why. And accept when their passions change. Allow girls the flexibility to grow out passions and into new ones—always encourage them to try new things and that mistakes are lessons in disguise.

3. Tell her she can do it (but don’t always tell her how)
Every girl already is creative, resourceful and whole. The question as her advocate is: How can you draw out her power and gifts? No matter what challenge lies ahead, encourage her that she *can* do it. Then ask—not tell—her how she thinks she can achieve her goal, dream or task. In a supportive way (and when neither of you are frustrated) ask her open-ended questions like: How would you go about getting into that college? or What are some ways you might raise the money to go music camp?

As you take the time to ask powerful questions, her own intelligent plan will unfold. Be patient. This approach can take longer because she is new to exploring options and making action plans. If you hang back but let her know you are there for her, she will likely ask you for some advice and support—and then you can give her the benefit of your wisdom and experience. By telling girls they can do it, and then letting them figure out how, they start to see how smart they are, take more ownership over their plans, and think more deeply about the possible outcomes of their choices.

4. Listen and respect her boundaries
Girls tell me that the No. 1 way they feel respected is when people listen to them. Sounds easy, right? When girls are sharing their feelings, dreams or disappointments, press your lips together, open your ears and lean in. They are giving you a gift. When girls share, it’s the chance to see inside their hearts and pick up clues about how you can support them in becoming who they are supposed to be. When you are truly listening to them (without butting in or offering advice or discounting their feelings because they scare you) they are seeing respect in action. Also, listening to their thoughts and ideas is part of coaching them about how to make self-respecting decisions. It reinforces that they and their feelings count (isn’t this what we all need?).

Girls say they need to be able to talk without fear or judgment. Otherwise, they start to shut out their advocates, stop asking questions and don’t ask for support. So it’s all about listening. Young people have things to teach us too! And when they set boundaries, listen harder than ever before. Because if a girl can’t set boundaries in the safety of her own home, how is she going to enforce her boundaries to protect herself and not be doormat out in the real world? Like if she says: Mom, can you not ask me tons of questions right when I get home from school? Or, It hurts my feelings when you criticize how I do things. Listen and then negotiate an alternative that works for both of you. She’ll feel respected, you’ll feel like you can still positively influence her...and respect will start to rule under your roof.

5. Respect yourself, too
Respecting ourselves is a life-long practice. Show the girls in your life how it works for you. Learn and live The 7 Respect Basics—from following your passions to listening to your gut.

Show her (even if you’re still working on it) how you take care of and appreciate your mind, body and soul. Show her how you value yourself based on more than what you have or how you look. Show her how you support other women and don’t put them down. Show her how you do things that you love and that enrich your life. Show her your integrity by telling and living your truth. Show her how when you are dealing with disrespect—unhealthy relationships, negative self-talk, too much stress, depression, addictions, etc.—how you’re not afraid to get help. Show her how you surround yourself with people who respect themselves and want you to be yourself. Show her that she doesn’t have to be perfect and how to learn from mistakes instead of letting them define her. Show her that you are forgiving of yourself and others. Show her how to treat people equally and not violate others' rights. Show her that even if we’re not always set up for success, that true respect starts on the inside.

If you work toward loving and respecting yourself and others in her presence, she will learn how to do it too. Mission accomplished.

Comments (0) | by Courtney on November 8

email to a friend | link to this article

Real Girl Serar explores what's so special about being herself. And so can you.

Got to page 21 in RESPECT to complete The Real You activity in your journal. Here's Serar's journal entry. She rocks and so do you!

I am unique because: there is no one else in the world like me.

My secret talents are: singing and dancing (sometimes I’m too shy !)

I feel best about myself when: I have a positive attitude and am ready to take on the world.

The things I like most about myself are: I’m strong willed and can do anything I set my mind to.

I’m worth respecting because: I give others the respect they deserve.

Activity adapted from Respect: A Girl’s Guide to Getting Respect and Dealing When Your Line Is Crossed by Courtney Macavinta and Andrea Vander Pluym © 2005. Used with permission of Free Spirit Publishing Inc., Minneapolis, MN; 1-866-703-7322; www.freespirit.com. All rights reserved. © Free Spirit Publishing Inc. 2005

Comments (0) | by Courtney on September 11

email to a friend | link to this article

Dr. Madeline Levine has been a practicing clinical psychologist in affluent Marin County for 25 years. Now she’s written a book about how some teens are coming up empty despite having tons of opportunities and resources—and the pricey goods to go with them. In The Price of Privilege: How Parental Pressure and Material Advantage Are Creating a Generation of Disconnected and Unhappy Kids, Levine writes about what’s she’s finding among so-called privileged youth:

When a bright, personable fifteen-year-old girl, from a loving and financially comfortable family, came into her office with the word empty carved into her left forearm, Levine was startled. This girl and her message seemed to embody a disturbing pattern Levine had been observing. Her teenage patients were bright, socially skilled, and loved by their affluent parents. But behind a veneer of achievement and charm, many of these teens suffered severe emotional problems. What was going on?

Numerous studies show that privileged adolescents are experiencing epidemic rates of depression, anxiety disorders, and substance abuse—rates that are higher than those of any other socioeconomic group of young people in this country. The various elements of a perfect storm—materialism, pressure to achieve, perfectionism, disconnection—are combining to create a crisis in America's culture of affluence.

This culture is as unmanageable for parents—mothers in particular—as it is for their children. While many privileged kids project confidence and know how to make a good impression, alarming numbers lack the basic foundation of psychological development: an authentic sense of self. Even parents often miss the signs of significant emotional problems in their "star" children.

I'm almost done with this read and have to say: Ms. Levine hits on something that I have seen and felt among young women, my peers, and, well, it seems like almost everyone. What happens when you don’t learn how to trust yourself, be resourceful and do your thing (whatever that may be)? What happens when you measure your worth based on what’s on the outside (looks, possessions, status, fitting in with—or being on top of—the crowd)? Levine’s main concern is that the privileged kids she studied aren’t becoming autonomous. They don’t know themselves at all. Worse: There is no "self" there to know. They also are consumed by materialism—valuing people and themselves based on what they have, not who they are deep down.

But what Levine is talking about is not just “poor little rich girl” stuff. Maybe you've felt it (are living it) too. I call them self-respect-busting MYTHS. Believing these myths often adds up to feeling broke on the self-respect front and can rob us of our true potential:

Your goal in life and efforts should be focused on getting the best, most expensive, magazine-mentioned stuff—from your handbag to your home to that five-star wedding bought on credit. It’s important to stand out in *these* ways.
+
You should fixate on remaining young and thin (ever so discretely).
+
Success is scarce—you need to fight everyone for it. Or if someone else is successful, they stole your spot!
+
To feel good is not only to look good but to (secretly) feel above other people (especially your “friends”).
+
You need to keep up with the Jones’? Forget that. It’s about being first-to-market and miles ahead of the Jones’. The Jones’ can eat your dust (and be jealous of you while choking on said dust).
+
You have to strive to win big and collect impressive victories during every waking minute: Just won American Idol today? So, what’s next tomorrow?
+
Not that you’d say it out loud, but you deserve better than others—or know better than others. You also feel entitled to what your parents have or to be able to buy your parents 5x over.
+
Even when you get what you (think you) want, you should still want more, better, the best.
+
To be somebody means to have all attention on you as if you’re walking down a 24/7 red carpet with bulbs flashing.
+
To be somebody really means everybody wants to be you.
=
Not Blinged-Out Life but The Big Empty (Doesn’t it?)

Rx: Believe me, I still struggle with some of these self-respect-busting myths. Like the occasional: You’re nobody till Oprah loves you (and invites you on her show). Honestly, though, we don’t have to operate this way. Having self-respect, feeling valuable (but not more so than others), and knowing that you have a mission in life (and having the resourcefulness to get on with it!) is a PRIVILEGE we should all enjoy.

Anyone who knows me knows that on paper I didn’t come from a life of traditional privilege. (i.e. Single mom who started out as a teen mom and worked her way up without a high school diploma; domestic violence and addictions under my roof; father who’d done serious time; knowing what “one paycheck from the street” meant before most kids start collecting an allowance. And no, I didn’t get an allowance.)

But I feel so privileged so to speak. Especially when I feel the pain the teens I connect with are going through (whether they’ve been given every opportunity or are struggling to survive). Why? Because my parents and older siblings made me feel loved and special because I was, well, just me (no additives, no upgrades, no pressure). My parents had no real plan laid out for me, or money to back up my plans when I made them (which I did resent sometimes—“it’s not fair!”).

However, many of the teens I’m meeting are living another extreme: They are either seemingly handed everything and their life plans or have no skills, internal resources, or healthy self-respect. OR they are getting little-to-no support, and though they might have a lot of heart they have no help in learning how to survive and find their own successes. Um, they all have cel phones.

All I can say is that I got some character-building basics from my family that served me well before we ever came up with the 7 Respect Basics. The lessons were: You’re responsible for you. You’re responsible for who you choose to hang with. Educate yourself so you can solve problems and have an impact. If you don’t know how to do something: ask. Treat people how you want to be treated—clean up your act when you don’t. Pitch in to help people when they’re down. You need to pay your bills and honor your commitments. So if you need money, make it, but don’t be greedy, self-centered or wasteful. Less is more. Speak out against injustice—always. Appreciate what you have. What counts most is being a good person. It’s your life. And my favorite: I never promised you a rose garden... All this with a healthy dose of boundaries (though not always, I had to learn to trust my gut and protect myself, too).

What I didn’t get: a credit card or a cookie-cutter formula for success. The result: Coming up with my own brand of success feels so much better (and achievable!). Thanks to this privileged guidance, I’ve found that when I really feel sparkly, gorgeous, and good it’s when I’m striving for something that’s hard to buy and requires no competitive edge: To be compassionate and helpful and non-harmful. To do what I know I should do. To follow my dreams. In fact, life is really booming when I’m not obsessing about what’s outside of the true me or competing to “get mine” (again: possessions, looks, status, being right, riches, rewards, notoriety). I’m not sure how this stacks up to living a life of traditional privilege, but I sure don’t feel like I’m living on Empty here.

After reading Levine’s book, it just confirms why I believe we need to change the expectations and marks of success. We need to change it for ourselves, and we definitely need to change it for the young people we’re guiding, mentoring, parenting. Let’s make the definition of success something like this:
* When you uncover your deep-down-inside bling and let it shine…
* When you respect yourself and others and fight for respect for all…
* When you feel connected to and equal to and care about everyone else on the planet…
* When you make your time here count in the way you were meant too—in a way that brings out your bliss (whatever that may be)…
* When you're also on your own timeline...
* When you feel happy to work hard at something you love or to support something you love...
* When you know how to make self-respecting decisions, appreciate your mind, body, and soul, and love Ms. (or Mr.) You…
* When you’re not afraid but empowered…

Sounds so perfect and quite the privilege! Operating from this flavor of POV, you can still put food on the table and survive and even succeed beyond your wildest dreams (which is what privilege-wielding parents really want for their kids, right?). You will know what it feels like to be really full and spilling over with yumminess to offer the world. But the difference is you won’t care if the Jones’ see you serving up your royal feast of a life on paper plates or fine china.

BRING OUT YOUR REAL BLING
Here are a few more quick nuggets to chew on:

Girls
• Think about what matters to you. No matter what life someone else is trying to carve out for you, keep trying new things and digging up your passions. Only you can really know how *you* want to spend your time on this planet. Only you can figure out what you have to offer (and you do have many amazing gifts and blessings to offer, trust me!).
• Get involved. Honestly, it feels good (and can pull you out of a slump) to contribute to your neighborhood, school, community, planet. Think about something you care about or that makes you mad. Then start to use all your fabulous powers, talents and gifts to make a change or make a difference. You’ll learn about yourself, feel less lonely, and start to see how awesome you are (and why we all need you to do your thing: you’re that important to the world!). It's important to feel connected to the world around you; to know you belong just because you're here (one love, girls!).
• Question everything. Do you think that some people deserve more than others or are better than everyone else? Why? Do you need to be rich and good-looking to matter? What do you think makes people feel truly valued and happy? What does it mean to “be somebody”? What kind of person do you want to be (hint: the answer should have nothing to do with your “lifestyle”)? What do you want out of life right now that you’re afraid to go after or even talk about?
• SEE RESPECT Part 1: Respect on the Inside.

Advocates
• Re-think success. Whether you’re a parent or mentor, think about how you can encourage young people to become who they are supposed to be. How can they be resourceful? How can they be more DIY? How can they measure their own success vs. always worrying about how they measure up to everyone else? A good place to start is to look at what you value about yourself and others. What do you think really matters in life? Are these standards filling you up or making you feel empty?
• Reveal the many options and that you don’t know all the answers. Life is not one-size-fits-all. Can you share your experience as one example of how to do this “life thing,” but also admit that your way is not the only way? Teens need to have their eyes opened to the possibilities in life, not be clamped down by having to follow some perfect plan for success (there is no such thing). Let them know it’s OK to make mistakes. That’s how we learn. Offer them tips on how to bounce back after a painful mistake and take responsibility and set new boundaries (this is where your guidance and support is SO needed).
• Show them how to earn a really charmed life. How do you get real privileges in life? You earn them. Show teens ways to earn their way through life, how to open doors, how to make choices that show they respect themselves and others, how to deal with rejection, how to celebrate and use their gifts (and I don't mean birthday gifts!). Also show them the payoffs you feel when you care about and respect others as much as yourself. And invest in the real you. Are you hung up trying to make your life seem perfect or on par with your peers from the outside looking in? Do you only feel like you matter when your body or lifestyle is a certain way? Do you feel like your true self is not showing up and running the show? Question everything. How can you lay down values or habits that don't make you feel respect on the inside?
• Drop the judgments. Judgment (of ourself and others) can be at the root of why we over-shop, gossip, try to one-up others, or obsess about our weight or posessions--we often are trying to fill the voids that we feel when we aren't "as good" as others. Judgments are what make us mean:) Judgments are what make us rigid in our views of what a really awesome life looks and feels like. Judgment can also be how we try to establish that we're different or special (but you already are special, trust me!). I totally struggle with this one too. I sometimes "can't believe" what other people are doing. But the only way to sidestep the respect-busting competition and really connect with others is to let go of judgments about them. The less judgmental you are about others, the less you judge yourself and the easier it can be to just be you (And we need to model this for our girls!).
• Listen. Teens say the No. 1 way they feel respected is when people listen to them. So listen up about what they are struggling with—or even what’s missing. Like if a young person seems hopeless or has no concern for other people, what’s going on? Also, don’t provide advice 24/7. Instead ask them what they think they should do. Finally, start letting them drive. As in their own lives.

P.S. In addition to RESPECT, Free Spirit offers tons of other character-building books, which you can find here
and here.

Comments (0) | by Courtney on August 23

email to a friend | link to this article

RESPECT has tons of journaling activities to help you find out what respect really means to you. Here Real Girl Serar, 17, gives us a sneak a peek into her journal as she picks her brain about who she is, what she wants, and how to respect herself like nobody's business:

1. What does respect mean to you?

Respect to me is just giving and getting what you deserve. It’s about appreciating other people and loving the person you are. Respect shows when you are confident in yourself and secure in everything that you do. Respect is the basis of any relationship, whether with family or friends, or even your boyfriend. Respecting the people in your life is one of the best things you could do...you’ll find that your relationships are based off of love and honesty rather than superficial fixations.

2. How are you getting and giving respect?

I definitely have a great deal of respect for the people in my life. Without respect, life at home would be complete and utter chaos. Not only am I learning how to respect others from my parents, they’re also learning about respecting me ! It takes a while to sort out a rocky relationship with your folks, but I know that my parents are doing everything they can to hear me out and appreciate my opinions and what I have to say. That means the world to me.

3. Name the people in your life you most respect. Why do you admire them?

Definitely my parents. They’ve both been through so much as kids at a young age. They’re just incredible. They have so much respect for others and they have the kindest hearts--it really shows.

4. Are all of Your Rights being honored by you and those around you? If so, how? If not, why?

Not necessarily. I wouldn’t be able to pinpoint every time this happens, but there always going to be people who could care less about respecting you. Sometimes they are trying to take advantage of you, other times they’re just being ruthless. But whatever the case, you just have to make sure that you know your boundaries and are willing to speak up if your gut tells you to do so.

5. Think about some disrespectful situations you’ve dealt with recently. How did you handle things? What could you have done differently? What might happen next time?

It was with a guy. Sometimes you think you know someone and just as you’re getting to know them (or not) the nasty side creeps up on you. He had absolutely no respect for me at all. How can you really tell from the beginning that this guy is a player if you’re caught up in his game? Next time, I’m not going to stick up for people I don’t know, and I’m also going to listen to my gut and go with what it says. I deserve more than that. And there’s no way I’m letting anyone push my boundaries again.

MORE INFO
Go to RESPECT Chapter 1: Page 17 to find this activity.

Questions adapted from Respect: A Girl’s Guide to Getting Respect and Dealing When Your Line Is Crossed by Courtney Macavinta and Andrea Vander Pluym © 2005. Used with permission of Free Spirit Publishing Inc., Minneapolis, MN; 1-866-703-7322; www.freespirit.com. All rights reserved. © Free Spirit Publishing Inc. 2005

Comments (0) | by Courtney on August 14

email to a friend | link to this article

A growing number of young women today are in a constant identity struggle to be viewed as both the hot, desired girl as well as the successful, independent woman, according to a recent study conducted in the U.S. and Canada by global market-research firm Synovate.

Rx: This is exactly what girls told us when we were writing RESPECT, and a struggle we point to again and again in the book. Girls are told they can be anything they want to be. BUT to be “successful” “liked” “wanted” they are also given constant prescriptions about how to package themselves (mostly as objects of desire and the picture of perfection). This mixed message—expectation—does one thing: It distracts young women from living a passion-filled life and reaching their true potential. Am I right, girls?

This latest study of women aged 16 to 25 found they are stressing about the following stuff:

70% said they are not happy with their body.

38% said that they would get plastic surgery if they had the money.

61% said that their biggest fear is not finding a career they love.

69% feel it is important that they make a lot of money when they are older.

39% believe they are growing up too fast.

The report goes on to say:

The need to be attractive through external reinforcement from peers and society is in constant struggle with the need to feel competent and independent through self/internal reinforcement.

Surprisingly, being young doesn't have the same appeal to these women as it used to. The high levels of stress young women are facing in their twenties is causing the majority of them to actually look forward to their thirties in the hopes that they will have what they want out of life by then.

This intense need to live a perfect life can also destroy their ability to accept failure.

I find it promising that some young women look forward to being 30-something and hopefully being old enough to know better. So what do we want young women to know? And what do we big sisters need to show? I say this:

* Organizing your entire life, thoughts, spending, goals, and dreams around maintaining a certain body or beauty ideal weakens girl power. As investments go, over time this strategy will leave you feeling bankrupt and ripped off.

* Real fulfillment comes from: Caring about yourself. Appreciating your uniqueness. Respecting your needs. Exploring your passions. Helping others. Contributing. Questioning anything that doesn’t feel right. Believing in and supporting other women. Learning from rejection and mistakes and moving on. Not seeing yourself as above or below anyone else. Knowing you’re here, you’re special, and you’re in charge of your experience and choices. Doing what you know you should do.

* Getting help is a good thing. When you’re worried about the future, how to succeed, or are struggling with your body image and self-care—ask for help. Talk to a big sister, mentor, mom, aunt, boss, teacher. Call a hotline if you’re really hurting. We’ve all been there. Nobody does this life thing alone. The key to success for any woman? Full-tilt sisterhood.

* Tell the truth. To compete with each other is to lie to each other. We keep up false impressions. We hide who we really are. We buy things we can’t afford. We act smarter than each other. We pretend we don’t bleed. For girls and women to reach their potential, we need to be free to be who we really are. We need to be OK with not being perfect and not being 100% together all the time. Instead of making each other feel inadequate (subtly or not), let’s show and tell each other the REAL truth: We all have what we need on the inside—creativity, love, resourcefulness, strength, peace, confidence, empathy, super-sonic intelligence, and a mission in life. Trust me, it’s true.

Comments (0) | by Courtney on August 11

email to a friend | link to this article

Chalk last week up to one of the most amazing experiences I've ever had! I was invited to La Crosse, Wisconsin by Options Clinic to speak to hundreds of health-care providers, teen educators, guidance counselors, parents and (of course) girls. The topic? How teens can make self-respecting decisions so they can REACH their potential in life. (And that is what this respect stuff is *really* all about!)

All of the events were organized by Options Clinic, a remarkable organization that provides boys, girls, women and men with information, resources and health care services like annual exams and pregnancy and STI (sexually-transmitted infections) testing. Options' name speaks for itself. Most of the time Options Clinic staff are out in the community educating people about their options and how to make healthy choices. And this valuable education is not just about dealing with sexual choices, but any choice.

So the Options team and I are so on the same page! And it was SO fulfilling to partner with Options to empower girls and women throughout their region, and during this month's national campaign to prevent teen pregnancy. (Scroll down to hear to my keynote speech at Options' annual meeting and my Wisconsin Public Radio interviews).

Options Clinic has been open for 34 years and it was really inspiring—an honor—to support its work. In Wisconsin, it's actually illegal for anyone under age 18 to have sex. So even getting into schools to talk about risk factors and how to make self-respecting choices is a major challenge. But Options still makes it happen because they want every person to have a happy, healthy, full life.

We tell girls that getting help is a Respect Basic. So I'm grateful that when they do have questions about relationships and sex that they have a place like Options to go to or call. Or when they do want to avoid unplanned pregnancies or STIs that they get to spend time with the knowledgeable, compassionate Options' nurse practitioners, who I was also honored to meet (some have been there almost 20 years!).

One of the high points of the trip was leading workshops for more than 100 high school and middle school girls. Options made the girls feel so special with gift bags, journals and good eats—and they even got an hour or two off school to come bask themselves in respect (no small feat to plan).

The girls and I talked about how disrespect creeps into our lives, but how true respect starts on the inside. I also heard devastating stories of the kinds of disrespect that girls everywhere are still going through—child abuse, sexual abuse, neglect, eating disorders, cutting (self—mutilation) and other hurtful scenarios that can hold people back for life.

These amazing girls were already fighting for respect in their lives. We talked about how they can keep respecting themselves and doing what's right for them no matter what (i.e. learning and living The 7 Respect Basics). Like believing that they all matter. Knowing they can lean on their sisters. Finding support when they need it. Boosting their respect quota every minute by doing things like: following their passions, trusting their gut, setting boundaries, and talking to themselves with respect.

Here is what one smart, beauteous 14-year-old had to say about the Options-sponsored workshop:

I was one of the girls at your Respect event in La Crosse. I just wanted to tell you that I think you are an amazing woman that made me look at a lot of things differently (for the better!). I'll be honest with you and say that I at first went to your event with my school's guidance counselors to get a free day off of school. As soon as I saw my surroundings, I knew that this was going to be something I wanted to know and listen to. With my experience with events like yours, there was always the beautiful model-like person pretty much saying, "You have to respect yourself, your body and mind." And it just didn't seem so "realistic" coming from someone like that. I saw that you were the author of this book and thought, "Wow, that woman is beautiful, inside and out. I can tell she respects herself including her environment and surroundings and now she's helping other girls to do the same, and that makes her beautiful." The fact that you were so laid back and honest made me comfortable in listening to things being said by you and my peers and it made me comfortable in realizing, life isn't perfect nor is anyone. Everyone has their flaws and that makes us what we are and gives us our own personalities. I just want to simply say thank-you for what you're doing for the female gender today and I hope your wise words, feelings, and outlooks get out to each and every person in the world.

Well if this is not a reason to get up in the morning and keep spreading respect, I don't know what is. The local TV news stations also interviewed girls and many said the whole day made them feel like they were not alone (mission accomplished!). For those of you who have donated books to girls in the past or who support girls in other ways—thank you (we are doing a real GOOD thing!).

You can also be a part of this social change partnership with Options Clinic. Like all nonprofits, they need fiscal support and they are also renovating their super old but well-loved and well-utilized space in order to serve more people. Please contribute whatever you can. We might only be able to talk the talk sometimes, but Options is walking the walk for us everyday. So if you're inclined, please give Options some legs: donate today!

Audio files and press from Options Clinic events
Keynote: Helping girls and women reach their potential (MP3)

Wisconsin Public Radio: Newsmaker interview (MP3)

Katherine Dunn show (WPR) interview: Teens and sexual choices (Real Audio)

La Crosse Tribune: Dealing with Prom Night Pressures

WANT to plan a Respect Day for teens? Click here!

Comments (0) | by Courtney on May 5

email to a friend | link to this article

Oh, yes I have the decent book-authorish-homeowner-mentor credentials now. But when I was girl, teen and young*er* woman, I couldn't get out of this abusive releationship. With myself. I went through lots of traumas and dramas and self-hatred. (Keep reading for my rap sheet).

Was this just growing up girl? Nope. I needed to be hooked up to a self-respect drip. Thank gawd I now know how to get my fix.

Although I've doubled in age since some of my biggest disrespect spirals, it's all still right here in the old memory bank. I guess what I'm saying to the girls of the world to whom I'm SO majorly devoted to today: I can relate, sisters.

Sometimes...I too hated my body. I too let people use me. I too was violated. I too was mean to others. I too was mean to my mom (sorry mommy--love you!). Like many of you, I needed my dad to do his job but he was hurting too much to show up to work (I made it, though, and so did he--love you dad!). I went out with guys who didn't respect themselves and *really* didn't respect me. I went through a nasty teen-binge-drinking stage. I cut school. I lied to myself and others. I didn't always appreciate being biracial or short or booty-esque. I too let myself down by not reaching my potential every single day.

I was on a disrespect tear sometimes and my parents couldn't stop me (believe me!). Despite my crisp cheerleading outfit (yep, that's right) sometimes my real spirit felt broken down. I felt like I was making the same mistakes over and over and over. Sometimes I was proud of myself. Other days I wanted to disown me. And I hid a lot this stuff and my feelings really well. The Academy doesn't know what it's missing.

So how did I get from that to this? I made the respect connection. I knew I wanted to be somebody. Then I realized I *already* was! I was here. Good enough...

First, I put my non-student-of-the-year-past behind me and went to college (community college, remedial math, the works--hey I barely got out of HS despite my full dance card). Some really cool teachers encouraged me. I found my passion (journalism). I also started "walking around the hole." Which is to say, I stopped doing stuff that made me feel bad, icky, dumb. I had, like, real goals--so outta my way! If something didn't feel right, I put on the brakes. I tried not to repeat experiences that made me feel like crap. BOUNDARIES. I found mine. I started hanging around people who respected themselves, too (or just paying attention to the fact that a lot of my friends had always been booming with self-respect). I learned how to talk again. Like about what was so not OK to do to me and what really mattered to me and what I thought about the world and other stuff.

I started to make self-respect the engine under my hood. And that was just the beginning to putting myself back on the road to respect.

I still struggle with some issues that my 13- to 18-year-old self battled, like: Appreciating and taking care of my body. Communicating honestly in all my relationships. Listening to myself. Gossiping too much. I still feel--sometimes--like I'm not good enough. But honestly, not that often. Sounds stuck up? Trust me it's a good thing. You gotta love and accept the one you're with, girls (Ms. You). You gotta "wear your crown" as O would say.

So why do I harp all day about respect, and write books and blogs about it? Because I want every girl to reach her potential. I want every girl to value herself more than all the bling in the world. I want every girl to be safe and to heal from the bad-dark stuff that happens. I want every girl to discover what one of my teacher's calls your "soul wisdom." In other words, I want you to know the real you and to be all in love with you. I want you to know how to stand by and for you. Then you can spread your yummy amazingness to the world. The world *needs* you to make it. It needs you to blow the lid off this mutha (in your own way, of course)! And it starts with respect on the inside.

Here I am this girl who didn't have a compass or a clue when I was a teen. I figured it out the hard, harder, hardest way. Because I love all girls like a sister, now I want to show you some shortcuts. In this case, you can totally cheat off my paper and read my diary...

And about my rap sheet. I wouldn't take any of it back (again, sorry mom!). Finding my way to Respect-ville was worth the journey. Because in life you can always make another choice and go in another direction and learn. That's the point after all.

Even my mom *tried* to tell me this in her graduation message to me in my yearbook. You know the ones. I just dug it out to scan a pic of that awesomely-big-haired-photo above. My smarty-pants mom said something so cool to me back then (single tear):

Please remember this as you start your new journey in life. We are constantly becoming what eventually we are going to be.

If you don't want to listen to your mom, listen to mine! Respect is your birthright. Isn't it time you got what you deserved?

Here's how to get started: know the basics and know your rights.

P.S. How do you struggle for respect? What have you figured out so far? Tell me--submit your comments below!

Comments (2) | by Courtney on April 3

email to a friend | link to this article

Respect is connected to everything. From how you feel about yourself to how others treat you to the choices you make. Take this quiz to find out if your world is running on respect or if disrespect is holding you back—and how you can spread respect for all girls, starting with yourself.

Click to here to download the quiz!

Want to re-print this quiz on your Web site or feature it in your publication?
Email: dillahunt@freespirit.com

llustration by Catherine LePage © Free Spirit Publishing Inc. 2005

Comments (0) | by Courtney on March 6

email to a friend | link to this article

This might feel impossible to believe sometimes, but when people have disrespected you—even in the worst way—you still have tons of power. Why? Because respect is always within reach because true respect starts on the inside. You also have the power to use the F-word.

As in, forgiveness.

Here's the deal: When someone is awful or abusive, many girls say that they stay angry—for a really long time (I've been there!). Some women say they are still angry about what happened to them 5, 10, 20 or 40 years ago. And that anger isn't hurting the person(s) who disrespected us. When you stay angry with people, you're the one who feels it and suffers—not them! And when you're PO'd all the time (even when it's totally justified) it can block you from meeting your potential because you feel like a victim or want revenge or just can't stop thinking about it.

But you don't want to let those people or events keep running your life or busting up your self-respect, right? No way. To break this cycle (which is like violence in your heart and mind), start by getting help. No matter what's happened, there are people who care about you, who can support you, and who can help you heal even the deepest wound.

Then when you're ready, consider forgiveness. Now forgiving doesn't mean forgetting or excusing or becoming friends again. To forgive means to let go of the anger (a.k.a. resentment) you're holding. For example, many victims of really terrible crimes (or family members of victims) say forgiveness helps them keep healing their pain everyday. Without forgiveness, they find it hard to even think about anything but the crime.

So how do you forgive?

Think about a time when you blew it and hurt someone or yourself. Unfortunately, it feels like I have millions of these examples: I was rude to my mom. I gossiped about someone and she found out. I was really mean to a girl in school. I was short with my sweetie. I called myself a name. I made the same "mistake" for the 100th time.

When you feel like you messed up, are you hard on yourself? Do you still think you're a jerk months and months later? Do you talk down to yourself? Or even worse, do you keep disrespecting yourself and others the same way you did when this whole so-angry-at-yourself torture started?

Now that you know all about The 7 Respect Basics and Your Rights, then you understand than when we disrespect ourselves and others it's because we're not feelin' the love (or respect)—from the inside and outside. Bouncing back from so-called mistakes, learning from them and forgiving yourself is a big part of being self-respecting. Forgiveness is also the secret ingredient to bringing about peace (in you, your home, your life and around the world).

So start by having compassion for yourself. You deserve it. When disrespect has taken over, think about what you learned, why you made certain choices, and what you want to do differently in the future. Apologize to you, and start to move on (because when we don't forgive we get so super stuck!).

When you've practiced forgiving yourself, then try it out on others. Let's say someone has been downright dirty to you, can you forgive? Think about what could be going down that would lead the person to acting so disrespectful or abusive. Like, is he being treated that way home? Does she hate herself or abuse herself? Has he/she been abused by someone else? Did he get pushed around for years and is now on the defensive? If it's not possible to drum up compassion, then try the next step...

Even if the person has acted like your worst enemy, think about what your anger is doing to you. You don’t have to forgive the person in person. (Hey, I don't want to see people who did bad stuff to me—especially if they're not sorry. I need my boundaries.). But you can forgive in your heart.

When it comes to using the F-word, just remember, you're in charge of you. Even when people don't forgive you, instead of feeling bad forever and ever, you can forgive them for not forgiving you (ha!). People say the truth will set you free? Well, so can forgiveness.

More Info >
Quotes on forgiveness | RESPECT Chapter 2: Learn From Mistakes

llustration by Catherine LePage © Free Spirit Publishing Inc. 2005

Comments (0) | by Courtney on February 2

email to a friend | link to this article

Find out five ways you can boost your daughter's self-respect in Quick & Simple magazine. Click here read my tips!. (Girls, check it out and get the scoop for yourself!)

Comments (0) | by Courtney on February 1

email to a friend | link to this article

Respect is connected to everything. Your feelings. Your choices. Your body image. Your relationships. Your safety. Your rights. And your future. Sure, getting respect isn't always easy. Sometimes you have to fight for what you want. But that's the secret we all need to learn: Respect is always within reach because true respect starts on the inside. Even in the face of disrespect, you can always take action by learning and living these basics:

1. Having Self-Respect
Knowing you’re more valuable than all the money in the world. Knowing you have a mission in life. Knowing you deserve love—especially from Ms. You. Accepting yourself and seeing your amazing-ness. Finding and following your passions. Taking the time to get to know the real you (now and forever).

2. Listening to Your Gut
Tuning into that voice inside that tells you what you want, and what feels right or wrong. Making choices that pass your gut checks first. Protecting yourself when you feel unsafe. Trusting yourself—even when it means standing apart from the crowd.

3. Setting Boundaries
Exploring your personal beliefs and values. Deciding what’s OK with you, and what’s so not OK with you when it come to how you’re treated or what’s happening around you. Sticking to your boundaries when you need to protect yourself or stand up for what’s right for you. Respecting your needs and saying no when you want to. Making self-respecting choices. Communicating your boundaries to make your relationships stronger—and honoring others’ boundaries too.

4. Speaking Up
Using your voice because your opinions, ideas, needs and feelings matter. Letting your boundaries be known when it makes sense, like speaking up when something doesn’t pass a gut check. Improving your relationships (or protecting yourself when needed) by learning to be assertive versus passive or aggressive. Speaking up in the face of disrespect of yourself or others. Telling your truth.

5. Building Strong Relationships (and Sisterhood)
Investing in creating respectful relationships because it makes you stronger and helps you reach your potential. Learning how to communicate respectfully. Understanding that you are not alone. Treating others how you want to be treated. Creating sisterhood in your life—accepting other girls and women for who they are, valuing them, supporting them and leaning on them. Believing that if other women are successful, you are successful (and if they are disrespected, you are disrespected).

6. Fighting for Equality
Understanding that you have certain fundamental rights. Respecting others’ rights. Believing that all human beings are created equal. Never believing that you are less than others or above them. Fighting for your rights and against injustice. Leading social change to spread respect for all.

7. Getting Help
Taking care of yourself by getting help when you need it. Asking for support when you are hurting, disrespected, afraid or just don’t know how to do something yet. Seeking help when you need to make changes in your life or to build up your self-respect. Finding supportive resources and environments when you need to heal or want to grow. Knowing that getting help isn’t a sign of weakness but proof of your strength.

To learn all about the The 7 Respect Basics, check out RESPECT, "Chapter 1: What Respect Means to You." In the book, you'll find tons of tips for how to speak up, stay in touch with your gut, and spread respect!

Adapted from Respect: A Girl’s Guide to Getting Respect and Dealing When Your Line Is Crossed by Courtney Macavinta and Andrea Vander Pluym © 2005. Used with permission of Free Spirit Publishing Inc., Minneapolis, MN; 1-866-703-7322; www.freespirit.com. All rights reserved. Illustration by Catherine LePage © Free Spirit Publishing Inc. 2005

Comments (0) | by Courtney on January 31

email to a friend | link to this article

Here's something I learned and live to tell you: Respect is your birthright! It's connected to everything from how you treat yourself, to the choices you make, to who you are and will become. And no matter what you're going through—like dealing with your feelings and body image, family, friends, BFs/GFs, and disrespect dilemmas like sexual harassment or abuse—respect is always the remedy. So how do you get the respect you deserve? It starts by knowing your rights.

You have a RIGHT to:

• Feel like you belong and are an equal

• Figure out what you need and take care of yourself

• Listen to your true feelings

• Speak your mind, change your mind, and question the world around you

• Be different from your family, your friends, and media ideals and images

• Feel and be safe

• Become independent

• Follow your passions and be the real you

Ready to claim your rights? Check out RESPECT to learn all about how getting respect—and fighting disrespect—can change your life forever (in a really good way).

Adapted from Respect: A Girl’s Guide to Getting Respect and Dealing When Your Line Is Crossed by Courtney Macavinta and Andrea Vander Pluym © 2005. Used with permission of Free Spirit Publishing Inc., Minneapolis, MN; 1-866-703-7322; www.freespirit.com. All rights reserved.Illustration by Catherine LePage © Free Spirit Publishing Inc. 2005

Comments (0) | by Courtney on January 31

email to a friend | link to this article

Be True to Yourself: A Daily Guide for Teenage Girls
by Amanda Ford
In 365 one-page essays written by teen Amanda Ford, you'll get advice and insight on dating, drinking, self-worth, fights with friends, dealing with parents, and more.

Blue Jean: What Young Women Are Thinking, Saying, and Doing
by Sherry S. Handel
A grab bag of essays written by teen girls and young women on everything from volunteering and activism, to why girls shy away from the feminism movement, to attention deficit disorder, to creating your own zine or movie. Check out the Web site, too: www.bluejeanonline.com.

Don't Give It Away! A Workbook of Self-Awareness and Self-Affirmations for Young Women
by Iyanla Vanzant
Iyanla was a teen mom and high school dropout, and she went through a lot of family traumas and abuse as a child. But today she's helping young women find and keep their power. In this workbook, you can express your thoughts and feelings about the things that matter to you, and learn to find the love you want by loving yourself first.

Life Lists for Teens: Tips, Steps, Hints, and How-Tos for Growing Up, Getting Along, Learning, and Having Fun
by Pamela Espeland
Includes more than 200 lists to help you organize your thinking, energy, and time so you can build your confidence, get to know yourself, and take charge of your life.

Making the Most of Today: Daily Readings for Young People on Self-Awareness, Creativity, and Self-Esteem
by Pamela Espeland and Rosemary Wallner
Short daily readings that guide you through positive thinking and practical life skills to help you think about your world, choices, and how to boost your self-respect.

Meeting at the Crossroads
by Carol Gilligan and Lyn Mikel Brown
During the course of five years, the authors interviewed 100 girls to find out what a girl "gives up" on the path to womanhood.

Ophelia Speaks: Adolescent Girls Write About Their Search for Self
by Sara Shandler
An "answer" to the book Reviving Ophelia, this collection of writings from girls 12 to 18 explores the challenges that girls are facing today, including body image, family, friends, and sexuality.

Perfectionism: What's Bad About Being Too Good?
by Miriam Adderholdt, Ph.D., and Jan Goldberg
How to figure out if you're a perfectionist, find a better balance so you can accept yourself (and body), and deal with your parents if they are pushing you to be perfect.

Real Girl Real World: Tools for Finding Your True Self
by Heather M. Gray and Samantha Phillips
Learn how to make choices you're comfortable with and explore a wide range of topics, including body image, nutrition, safe sex, and more.

Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls
by Mary Pipher
A truthful look at the "girl-poisoning" culture that turns independent-spirited young girls into struggling teens who have low self-worth and self-respect.

Revolution from Within: A Book of Self-Esteem
by Gloria Steinem
Feminist icon Gloria Steinem writes about self-worth, the importance of unlearning unhealthy beliefs, knowing the difference between romance and love, and so much more. It's written for women, but you can handle her straightforward, mature tone, right?

Schoolgirls: Young Women, Self Esteem, and the Confidence Gap
by Peggy Orenstein
Inspired by a study from the AAUW Women that shows girls' self-esteem plummeting as they reach adolescence, this book goes inside two different schools in northern California where girls struggle for equal educations, assertiveness, and confidence.

Seven Habits of Highly Effective Teens: The Ultimate Teenage Success Guide
by Sean Covey
This step-by-step guide, which has received rave reviews, helps teens improve self-image, build friendships, resist peer pressure, achieve their goals, get along with their parents, and more.

What Do You Really Want? How to Set a Goal and Go for It!
by Beverly K. Bachel
A step-by-step guide to goal-setting and planning written just for teens.

Write Where You Are: How to Use Writing to Make Sense of Your Life
by Caryn Mirriam-Goldberg, Ph.D.
Learn how to find insight and strength through writing. Perfect for the journaling exercises in this book!

llustration by Catherine LePage © Free Spirit Publishing Inc. 2005

Comments (0) | by Courtney on December 29

email to a friend | link to this article