Respect Rx - The F-Word

Hey sistahs! I'm co-author of the best-selling book for teen girls RESPECT. Respect Rx, is my blog for girls, parents, teachers and women. Get the scoop on building self-respect, sisterhood and social change! I also offer workshops and assemblies nationwide. Remember: True respect starts on the inside!

Got a disrespect dilemma?
Click here to get the Rx!

All Made Up: A Girl's Guide to Seeing Through Celebrity Hype and Celebrating Real Beauty by Audrey D. Brashich. A former teen model and magazine writer blows the lid of all that smoke that's been blown up our you-know-whats about what is "beautiful" (and what isn't). She talks about what she's learned about real beauty, how to take back the media, and so-called It Girls (Can you say: Paris Hilton or Linsday Lohan?).
The Price of Privilege: How Parental Pressure and Material Advantage Are Creating a Generation of Disconnected and Unhappy Kids by Dr. Madeline Levine. Find out why some rich kids feel really broke inside. Tips for howparents can be involved while encouraging their kids to be autonomous and to discover their true selves.
Do I Look Fat In This: Life Doesn't Begin Five Pounds from Now by Jessica Weiner. Find out what it really means when we say "I feel fat!" This is a practical (and fun to read) guide that will help you learn to love the skin you're in!
The Real Truth About Teens and Sex by Sabrina Weill. A top editor at major teen magazines for more than a decade, Sabrina talked to thousands of teens about their questions, fears, concerns, and what really goes on at parties, at school, before parents get home from work, online and elsewhere. Plus, parents can learn how they can better support their kids in making good choices.
The Body Project by Joan Jacobs Brumberg. Starting with a statistic that 53 percent of girls are dissatisfied with their bodies, this book looks at the "why?" Brumberg combs through girls' diaries dating from 1830 to the present day and explains why now more than ever girls' main projects are their bodies.
101 Ways to Help Your Daughter Love Her Body by Brenda Lane Richardson and Elane Rehr. Solid advice for parents to help girls build body respect.
Dads and Daughters by Joe Kelly. If your dad isn't spending enough time with you or you just aren't relating, or if you're a dad who wants to help your daughter become strong and confidant, you'll both appreciate this book.
Branded: The Buying and Selling of Teenagers by Alissa Quart. How companies bombard teens with marketing that "saps them of individuality and imagination" to get them to not only buy products, but be products.
GLBTQ: The Survival Guide for Queer and Questioning Teens by Kelly Huegel. Advice, true stories and resources for exploring gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender relationships, dating, and more.
Deal With It! A Whole New Approach to Body, Brain, and Life as a Gurl by Esther Drill, et al. The ultimate guide for all things girls have to deal with, from understanding feelings to sex and how your body is changing. It'll suck you in because it's so cool, straightforward and real. And because it has tons of resource listings and illustrations.
The Beauty Myth by Naomi Wolf. Journalist Naomi Wolf argues that women's insecurities are made worse and then exploited by the cosmetic, diet and plastic surgery industries. And then girls spend all their time obsessing over their looks instead of other important issues, like self-respect.
Don't Give It Away! by Iyanla Vanzant. Ms. Iyanla (a life coach on TV's Starting Over) was a teen mom and high school dropout, and she went through a lot of family traumas and abuse as a child. But today she's helping young women find and keep their power. Girls, learn how to express your thoughts and feelings about what matters to you, and the secrets to loving your oh-so-lovable self from one of the greatest respect role models ever!
33 Things Every Girl Should Know About Women's History edited by Tonya Bolden. Find out how revolutionary women fought for equal rights so you can, too.
Phenomenal Woman by Maya Angelou. Four inspirational and empowering poems about loving the female form.
Perfectionism: What's Bad About Being Too Good? by Miriam Adderholdt & Jan Goldberg. How to figure out if you're a perfectionist, find a better balance so you can accept yourself (and body), and deal with your parents if they are pushing you to be perfect.
Reviving Ophelia by Mary Pipher. Published in 1994, this book is still relevant for its truthful look at the "girl-poisoning" culture that can turn independent-spirited young girls into struggling teens who have low self-worth.
Revolution from Within by Gloria Steinem. Feminist icon Steinem writes about self-worth, the importance of unlearning unhealthy beliefs, knowing the difference between romance and love, and so much more. It's written for women, but girls can handle her straightforward, mature tone--no problem.
Schoolgirls by Peggy Orenstein. Inspired by a national study that shows girls' self-esteem plummeting as they reach adolescence, this book goes inside two different schools in northern California where girls struggle for equal educations, assertiveness and confidence.
Odd Girl Speaks Out by Rachel Simmons. Poems, songs, confessions and essays from girls about in-fighting among girls and how to stop it.
Grassroots: A Field Guide for Feminist Activism by Jennifer Baumgardner & Amy Richards. Learn how to move beyond activism, like donating money and writing to politicians, and how to make a far-reaching impact by organizing your friends, your community and yourself!
To Be Real: Telling the Truth and Changing the Face of Feminism edited by Rebecca Walker. With essays by men and women, this is an exploration of modern-day feminism and its impact on everyday life and the future.
What Are My Rights? by Thomas A. Jacobs. Helps teens answer 95 legal questions about laws related to family, school, workplace, growing up and more.
When Nothing Matters Anymore: A Survival Guide for Depressed Teens by Bev Cobain. A book for teens on how to recognize depression, get help and stay well.

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Self-Respect

The F-Word

This might feel impossible to believe sometimes, but when people have disrespected you—even in the worst way—you still have tons of power. Why? Because respect is always within reach because true respect starts on the inside. You also have the power to use the F-word.

As in, forgiveness.

Here's the deal: When someone is awful or abusive, many girls say that they stay angry—for a really long time (I've been there!). Some women say they are still angry about what happened to them 5, 10, 20 or 40 years ago. And that anger isn't hurting the person(s) who disrespected us. When you stay angry with people, you're the one who feels it and suffers—not them! And when you're PO'd all the time (even when it's totally justified) it can block you from meeting your potential because you feel like a victim or want revenge or just can't stop thinking about it.

But you don't want to let those people or events keep running your life or busting up your self-respect, right? No way. To break this cycle (which is like violence in your heart and mind), start by getting help. No matter what's happened, there are people who care about you, who can support you, and who can help you heal even the deepest wound.

Then when you're ready, consider forgiveness. Now forgiving doesn't mean forgetting or excusing or becoming friends again. To forgive means to let go of the anger (a.k.a. resentment) you're holding. For example, many victims of really terrible crimes (or family members of victims) say forgiveness helps them keep healing their pain everyday. Without forgiveness, they find it hard to even think about anything but the crime.

So how do you forgive?

Think about a time when you blew it and hurt someone or yourself. Unfortunately, it feels like I have millions of these examples: I was rude to my mom. I gossiped about someone and she found out. I was really mean to a girl in school. I was short with my sweetie. I called myself a name. I made the same "mistake" for the 100th time.

When you feel like you messed up, are you hard on yourself? Do you still think you're a jerk months and months later? Do you talk down to yourself? Or even worse, do you keep disrespecting yourself and others the same way you did when this whole so-angry-at-yourself torture started?

Now that you know all about The 7 Respect Basics and Your Rights, then you understand than when we disrespect ourselves and others it's because we're not feelin' the love (or respect)—from the inside and outside. Bouncing back from so-called mistakes, learning from them and forgiving yourself is a big part of being self-respecting. Forgiveness is also the secret ingredient to bringing about peace (in you, your home, your life and around the world).

So start by having compassion for yourself. You deserve it. When disrespect has taken over, think about what you learned, why you made certain choices, and what you want to do differently in the future. Apologize to you, and start to move on (because when we don't forgive we get so super stuck!).

When you've practiced forgiving yourself, then try it out on others. Let's say someone has been downright dirty to you, can you forgive? Think about what could be going down that would lead the person to acting so disrespectful or abusive. Like, is he being treated that way home? Does she hate herself or abuse herself? Has he/she been abused by someone else? Did he get pushed around for years and is now on the defensive? If it's not possible to drum up compassion, then try the next step...

Even if the person has acted like your worst enemy, think about what your anger is doing to you. You don’t have to forgive the person in person. (Hey, I don't want to see people who did bad stuff to me—especially if they're not sorry. I need my boundaries.). But you can forgive in your heart.

When it comes to using the F-word, just remember, you're in charge of you. Even when people don't forgive you, instead of feeling bad forever and ever, you can forgive them for not forgiving you (ha!). People say the truth will set you free? Well, so can forgiveness.

More Info >
Quotes on forgiveness | RESPECT Chapter 2: Learn From Mistakes

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