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We have post up on the National Council for Research on Women's new REAL DEAL site, which features updates and commentary from its network of more than 115 leading research, policy and advocacy centers, offering the latest reports, news and views—the real deal on what matters to women and girls.

Here is the post!

Comments (0) | by Courtney on February 10

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After facilitating the uniquely ME! Leadership Institute in Atlanta this summer, I had the honor of co-creating with Girl Scouts USA the uniquely ME! program Guide for Facilitators. I wrote the program for high school girls.

Girl Scouts of the USA and the Dove® Self-Esteem Fund collaborated to create uniquely ME!, a program designed to foster self-esteem in girls ages 8-17. The Guide has been created for volunteers and staff in a variety of settings as well as school personnel and other adults interested in facilitating uniquely ME! sessions.

The high school program includes four workshop sessions:
the real you
mind over media
dare to shine
my relationships, myself

You can download the sessions for FREE and use them to lead a program for any teen girls by going to the uniquely ME! web site and clicking the above icon.

Comments (0) | by Courtney on December 10

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From Atlanta to Oakland, last week amazing orgs I work with shifted the world by empowering girls who in turn empowered each other. I'm so proud of the founders of the bay area girls rock camp who just completed their first-ever week of camp in Oakland! 60 girls. 13 bands. The world on fire! The showcase on Sat. was amazing. Girls as young as age 8 formed bands. They learned how to play instruments—many for the first time. And they let their voices be heard. Loudly! Along the way, they flexed their power and found the support of an amazing community. The women who volunteered all week told me they were transformed (of course!) and that is was the best week of their lives. Here are the awesome rock-and-roll PHOTOS by Lori Paladino.

Comments (0) | by Courtney on July 14

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Sorry to be off the grid! I was in Atlanta last week facilitating the uniquely ME! Leadership Institute, which is a Girl Scouts of the USA program. Thirty girls ages 13-18 from more than 15 states came together to discover their inner beauty and who they are as leaders, to connect what they learned back to their communities, and to take action to empower other girls to raise their self-esteem. I learned so much more about what happens when you create an inclusive, safe space for all of us to be ourselves. From there the power and life-changing experiences just flow.

There also was a team of more than 40 adults from the Girl Scouts to amazing people in Atlanta who helped make the institute happen, including the team at Treesounds Studios. The girls got to meet so many amazing role models (so did I!) and even got to write and record a hook for a song for a 19-year-old amazing artist (more about her later!) who is coming on to the scene. They also learned about going green and creating social change. Mostly they learned about themselves and each other.

Here is the hook the girls created and recorded with their partners at Treesounds. It really says it all about who they are and what happened for them during the week:

WHAT YOU SEE YOU CAN ACHIEVE
BE YOURSELF AND BE FREE
DON'T LET NOTHING KILL YOUR DREAM
TRUST YOURSELF AND BELIEVE
GOTTA FIND YO SELF-ESTEEM
LOVE YOURSELF COMPLETELY
CREATED PERFECTLY
SO FRESH & UNIQUE!

So many of the girls said it was the first time they'd been with a group of girls where there was total acceptance of one another! The tagline of uME! is "You can change the way you look, or you can change the way the world looks at girls!" Nuff said.

Hi girls! Miss you! Love you! xoxoCourt. This is for you (and our power playlist is below!):

I'll write more about the week and the women behind it tomorrow. But in the meantime, I wanted to send you some shout-outs from the girls who will lead us all to a better day:

I have learned so much this week. Not only about myself, but that I'm not the only person who has gone through the same stuff. I want to say thanks to everyone who helped and participated in the first uMe! Leadership Institute!! I feel as though I have so much to bring back to my community from my experiences. I will never forget these moments.
Elizabeth, 17, Georgia

When I first came to this program, I expected to come home with just the knowledge of how to help others raise their self-esteem, but brought home so much more. From attending this phenomenal program, my self-esteem level rose and I have so much more confidence in myself. I also brought back a bunch of new and close friends. This was a truly unforgettable experience.
Isabelle, 16, California

I have learned so much about myself during this week, it will help me in the long run. Courtney is a really big help for what I was going through. I want to say thanks to all the help that everyone has given to me.
Megan, 17, Arkansas

The uniquely ME institute is the beginning to my path in life. I have learned so much at the uME Institute and have met wonderful lifelong friends. Being a Girl Scout has opened me up to the most amazing opportunities. I am very excited to go back to my community and start empowering young women. I believe that this is a woman's world and people just don't now it yet.
Allie, 16, Colorado

The uME! Institute is a wonderful program and every girl or even woman should participate in this program. It's wonderful and all the leaders have recently been elected to my Wall of Inspiration. The women who I am talking about are Courtney, Leanne, Christina, Lesley, Sharon, and can't forget Sabri-bri. The are wonderful and every one should participate this program changed my life in a week I'm sure it will change yours too. Pleaseeeeeeeeee join this program—it is life changing and you can discover the real person inside of you. The real you. The uniquely u.
DaJana, 13, Kansas City

uniquely ME! is an amazing program for young girls! I love that Courtney has been here with us teaching us to love ourselves and others. She is a stellar person! I think every girl or woman should have something as great as this in their life. I have met so many amazing people and learned things that I will take with me forever. During this institute I have learned to respect my body. I just really admire all the ladies that have been working with us. (The boys too =] ) Everybody has been really cool about everything and not judgmental which is what every young girl needs in her life. I'm so glad I had the opportunity to come down here it's a privilege to do this. I've made new friends that I will keep for a life time. =]
Tabetha 16, Illinois

The Uniquely Me program is an inspiring program for young women/girls. We learned how to love ourselves for who we are. I think that this program should be spread to every young girl so that they may learn to love themselves for who they are and not by what they see on tv. Everybody has been great here, they all have supported everyone. I made friends here that I will be able to keep for a lifetime. They are all great!! I also loved all the leaders that have been here helping us. They were all absolutely awesome! I had a awesome time!
Shannon, 14, Colorado

What I loved about the girls is that they taught me to speak up about my feelings. If i couldn't do it at their age, they have given me the courage to do it at 25. I am ready, to be complete.
Sabrina, 25, uME! leader

Comments (0) | by Courtney on July 14

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In late April, we headed to Connecticut to lead the Connecticut Interscholastic Athletic Conference and Dove Campaign for Real Beauty Self-Esteem Week! Our mission: To inspire and empower the 1,600 girls who attended our Respect Rx assemblies to GET REAL, respect each other and focus on their passions versus outside packaging. And we were JUST as inspired by the truly phenomenal girls we met at seven schools in seven days! HEY GIRLS!!!xoxox

Our journey took us all over the Hartford area—from Southington to Naugatuck to Berlin to Cheshire. At each middle school and high school, we focused on what keeps us from being real and respecting ourselves? Then we got down to boosting our self-respect and supporting each other in getting more real. Girls got out of their seats, spoke up and showed each other that no one is alone when it comes to universal self-esteem issues. Many of us struggle with body image, not fitting in, perfectionism, drama with friends, tough family issues, negative habits and thoughts, addictions or abuse. So many girls came up to us after to get more support and share their own stories.

One of their fave parts was seeing the Dove film titled "Evolution," which exposes fakery in media by showing a model's transformation from her roll-out-of-bed self to a billboard beauty—all with the help of Photoshop finesse. Even if they'd seen it, the film sparked us all to think about: Then why do we still fall for this stuff?

The video definitely opened up an interesting dialogue with the girls about how media affects us. We also played a game that questions why do we instantly recognize the women from reality TV and celeb magazines versus social change agents like Wangari Maathai or Mayerly Sanchez?

After debunking some beauty myths, we focused on where we want to go. Do we want unrealistic ideals and drama to hold us back? Or do we want to be true to ourselves and follow our passions? Most girls say YES to owning their power! We led the girls through a 15-minute visualization where they got to meet their Future Self. In this activity, girls fast forward five years into the future to see how their Future Self lives. Girls met the woman they'll become. She was most often strong, educated, confident. They envisioned themselves as doctors, record producers, special ed teachers, architects, college students and so much more! It was truly breathtaking to see auditoriums filled with hundreds of girls deeply meditating with eyes closed and mentally designing their futures. (One school principal said in her 25 years of education she'd never heard the overhead lights buzzing in an assembly—thats how engaged the girls were!).

Their Future Self also told them a word to remember and here were some of the words they heard:
Love
Dedication
Smile
Persevere
Faith
Strong
Hope
Brave
It's OK

Many girls even HUGGED themselves when we said to hug their Future Selves:):):) It brings tears our eyes (we know we're cheesy, but seriously it was awesome!).

Even in one hour you (yes, you reader!) can reach a girl and together shift the world a bit. The week was truly one of the most rewarding weeks of our lives. From the girls and educators we met (those who work hard every day to empower teens) to the amazing dream team that made it all possible: Special thanks to Bob Lehr, Steph Ford, Bob Ford, and all the CIAC-CAS school officials who so generously donated their time, space, positive energy and dedication! Also big-time thanks to Ama A. and the Dove team. We can't wait for next year!

xoxoCourt&Jen

P.S. Adults and older teens: You can lead a Dove Real Beauty Workshop for Girls. Check out the free materials!

Comments (0) | by Courtney on May 17

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A couple of reads/views for girls and women that I've put out lately:

I've been writing about the Respect Basics for Girl Scouts of America's STUDIO 2B web site for teens:
Friendship Rx and Self-Respect 101

Also, check out my tips for girls, parents and women that were featured on ABC's View from the Bay this week:
Girls and Moms Under Pressure

Let me know what you think!
xoxoCourt

Comments (0) | by Courtney on November 9

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3 out of 4 girls say they feel pressure to be "super girls" according to Girls Inc.

Girls are feeling the pressure to be perfect on all sides (see the study here). They feel they need to have the PERFECT looks, bods, grades, friends, clothes, cars, accessories, gadgets, sweet 16 parties, BF/GFs, extracurriculars, proms, senior pics, college apps, and the perfect future. Many admit to me that their parents are the ones putting on this perfecto pressure. And BTW, this quest for perfection can cost some serious coin (but who pays?).

Well, I have a confession to make: I'm not perfect and I come from a long line of not-so-perfect people. My mom was a teen mom. My dad was a teen felon. Neither went to college or high school graduation for that matter. Yet, both are my role models for reasons too long to list here. I respect who they are at their cores. And they did "succeed" in my opinion. Both encouraged me to do *my* best, to find my own way and passions, and to leverage my strengths. They encouraged me to get a leg up in life through education (including college). But they didn't do it for me or show me how--and they couldn't really--because I was going into uncharted territory as far as they were concerned.

Primarily, my mom let me make mistakes because, honestly, she didn't have the time or capacity to hover over me. And she let me pay my own price and never covered up for me (to my annoyance most of the time). But when I succeeded I got to totally own that too. My dad has since passed on, but I know he'd be proud of my-not-so-perfect path to personal success. My mom shares in my success through bragging rights and the fact that she doesn't have to loan me money or solve my problems. I know how to keep the lights on in (in many respects).

I guess the point is, girls can succeed without doing everything perfect or by someone else's book. And shouldn't this be our highest ambition for them? They can value themselves based on more than if they get into the best college or have the best stuff or clear skin. But we have to model this for them. Girls can define their own measures of success--especially when we ask what *they* think. And we can start by questioning our own definitions of success as their role models.

In this month's issue of Daughters, I spoke with a woman whose mission and book I admire, Madeline Levine, author of the The Price of Privilege: How Parental Pressure and Material Advantage Are Creating a Generation of Disconnected and Unhappy Kids.

Check out our conversation about how girls and parents can redefine success and break the perfectionist trap for good! Here's an excerpt of my tips:

Spring the “perfect” trap
Having high standards for success can be exhausting, deprive us of fun, and alienate us from our kids. Instead of trying to “do it all perfectly,” try these tactics.

Break the mold. There’s an old saying: “Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?” There is no one “right” way to find success. You’re a unique person with custom-tailored dreams. Explore your passions, expand your horizons, work to your strengths—and encourage your daughter to do the same.

Let go. You can’t control everything—thank goodness! Focus on what you can change (your behavior, your outlook on life and how you care for yourself) and let go of trying to control everything around you, which usually makes you feel out of control anyway. And letting go applies to being overly critical, too. Let yourself (and your daughter) off the hook when it comes to being perfect. Make room for mistakes—remembering that they are the path to important life lessons, and discoveries.

Be real with friends. Nothing drives perfectionism like wanting to keep up with (or one-up) our friends. Instead, be real with your friends about who you are and what you want. Parenting is harder when we isolate ourselves. So spend time with your friends being yourself, talking through your difficulties, and supporting each other’s diverse versions of success.

Get help. When we’re trapped by perfection, it’s impossible to admit that we need help. Yet getting help is a self-respect basic. If you’re struggling, hurting, or feeling aimless, reach out for help. We all need support. Our daughters need to see that asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness, because we all need a helping hand to manage our lives and responsibilities.

Comments (0) | by Courtney on May 3

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Next week I'll be heading to Connecticut to present a self-esteem workshop for educators sponsored by Dove in cooperation with the Connecticut Interscholastic Athletic Conference.

The goal of the CIAC workshop is to empower educators with resources and tools (like the 7 Respect Basics) to help them support girls in building their self-esteem. While I'm in town, I'll also be doing an assembly for 275 freshman girls at nearby Southington High School.

I was introduced to Dove through its partner Girl Scouts. Together Dove and the Girls Scouts created the uniquely ME! self-esteem program (and I'm excited that I'll soon be writing articles for the uniquely ME! Web site). It's very inspiring to be a part of the Girl Scouts' and Dove's investment in girls and their role models. Check out Dove's film and the uniquely ME! program here. And if you haven't already, see Dove's new self-esteem spot featuring real girls (get your tissues ready!) which speaks to the heart of why I'm so devoted to empowering and valuing girls (and the girl in me.).

Check out Respect Rx workshops and programs here!

Comments (0) | by Courtney on April 19

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Sure, respect is an inside job. Every girl has to commit to finding, building and keeping her self-respect. But we can throw our support a sistah's way. We can encourage her that she’s worth the effort. We can be there for her when disrespect has got her down. That’s what this sisterhood thing is all about, right? Here are 5 ways to help a girl (or woman or friend) invest in her self-respect:

1. Point out her strengths
Forget dishing advice about a how a girl can improve when it comes to her weaknesses. Instead, compliment her on her strengths (she already has many, guaranteed!). Let her know how amazing she is and how impressed you are by her talents and gifts. Highlighting her strengths (daily if necessary) is essential: She might be focusing on what’s wrong with her and not see all that's special about her.

But it’s important not to attach pressure or a prescription to your compliment like: You’re so great at math, you should become an engineer. Here are the colleges you should apply to but they’re very tough to get into, so you should... Instead, plant a seed so she can grow by using her strengths, like: You’re so great at math, do you enjoy it? If the answer is yes: If you want to spend more time flexing your math brain, let me know. Would you want to help me balance the family’s checkbook? It’s an important job and you’d be awesome at it if you’re interested. Whether you’re a parent, coach, supervisor at work, teacher or mentor, give her tons of opportunities to play to her strengths so she can boost her confidence, skills and self-respect along the way.

2. Encourage her passions
You have your dreams, and the girls in your life have theirs (even if they don’t know it yet). Behind every poster child for self-respect is a long list of passions that are being pursued, fulfilled and never ignored. Cheer girls to go after their passions. Coach them about to explore their interests and balance their passions with their responsibilities. Support them however you can—whether it be a ride to lesson they never want to miss, packing them a snack to keep their energy up, or just asking them about their passions and how they make them feel. Share with them the limitless potential we all have. For inspiration, offer examples of your heroes and role models. Ask them who they admire and why. And accept when their passions change. Allow girls the flexibility to grow out passions and into new ones—always encourage them to try new things and that mistakes are lessons in disguise.

3. Tell her she can do it (but don’t always tell her how)
Every girl already is creative, resourceful and whole. The question as her advocate is: How can you draw out her power and gifts? No matter what challenge lies ahead, encourage her that she *can* do it. Then ask—not tell—her how she thinks she can achieve her goal, dream or task. In a supportive way (and when neither of you are frustrated) ask her open-ended questions like: How would you go about getting into that college? or What are some ways you might raise the money to go to music camp?

As you take the time to ask powerful questions, her own intelligent plan will unfold. Be patient. This approach can take longer because she is new to exploring options and making action plans. If you hang back but let her know you are there for her, she will likely ask you for some advice and support—and then you can give her the benefit of your wisdom and experience. By telling girls they can do it, and then letting them figure out how, they start to see how smart they are, take more ownership over their plans, and think more deeply about the possible outcomes of their choices.

4. Listen and respect her boundaries
Girls tell me that the No. 1 way they feel respected is when people listen to them. Sounds easy, right? When girls are sharing their feelings, dreams or disappointments, press your lips together, open your ears and lean in. They are giving you a gift. When girls share, it’s the chance to see inside their hearts and pick up clues about how you can support them in becoming who they are supposed to be. When you are truly listening to them (without butting in or offering advice or discounting their feelings because they scare you) they are seeing respect in action. Also, listening to their thoughts and ideas is part of coaching them about how to make self-respecting decisions. It reinforces that they and their feelings count (isn’t this what we all need?).

Girls say they need to be able to talk without fear or judgment. Otherwise, they start to shut out their advocates, stop asking questions and don’t ask for support. So it’s all about listening. Young people have things to teach us too! And when they set boundaries, listen harder than ever before. Because if a girl can’t set boundaries in the safety of her own home, how is she going to enforce her boundaries to protect herself and not be doormat out in the real world? Like if she says: Mom, can you not ask me tons of questions right when I get home from school? Or, It hurts my feelings when you criticize how I do things. Listen and then negotiate an alternative that works for both of you. She’ll feel respected, you’ll feel like you can still positively influence her...and respect will start to rule under your roof.

5. Respect yourself, too
Respecting ourselves is a life-long practice. Show the girls in your life how it works for you. Learn and live The 7 Respect Basics—from following your passions to listening to your gut.

Show her (even if you’re still working on it) how you take care of and appreciate your mind, body and soul. Show her how you value yourself based on more than what you have or how you look. Show her how you support other women and don’t put them down. Show her how you do things that you love and that enrich your life. Show her your integrity by telling and living your truth. Show her how when you are dealing with disrespect—unhealthy relationships, negative self-talk, too much stress, depression, addictions, etc.—how you’re not afraid to get help. Show her how you surround yourself with people who respect themselves and want you to be yourself. Show her that she doesn’t have to be perfect and how to learn from mistakes instead of letting them define her. Show her that you are forgiving of yourself and others. Show her how to treat people equally and not violate others' rights. Show her that even if we’re not always set up for success, that true respect starts on the inside.

If you work toward loving and respecting yourself and others in her presence, she will learn how to do it too. Mission accomplished.

Comments (0) | by Courtney on November 8

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Real Girl Serar explores what's so special about being herself. And so can you.

Go to page 21 in RESPECT to complete The Real You activity in your journal. Here's Serar's journal entry. She rocks and so do you!

I am unique because: there is no one else in the world like me.

My secret talents are: singing and dancing (sometimes I’m too shy !)

I feel best about myself when: I have a positive attitude and am ready to take on the world.

The things I like most about myself are: I’m strong willed and can do anything I set my mind to.

I’m worth respecting because: I give others the respect they deserve.

Activity adapted from Respect: A Girl’s Guide to Getting Respect and Dealing When Your Line Is Crossed by Courtney Macavinta and Andrea Vander Pluym © 2005. Used with permission of Free Spirit Publishing Inc., Minneapolis, MN; 1-866-703-7322; www.freespirit.com. All rights reserved. © Free Spirit Publishing Inc. 2005

Comments (0) | by Courtney on September 11

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RESPECT has tons of journaling activities to help you find out what respect really means to you. Here Real Girl Serar, 17, gives us a sneak a peek into her journal as she picks her brain about who she is, what she wants, and how to respect herself like nobody's business:

1. What does respect mean to you?

Respect to me is just giving and getting what you deserve. It’s about appreciating other people and loving the person you are. Respect shows when you are confident in yourself and secure in everything that you do. Respect is the basis of any relationship, whether with family or friends, or even your boyfriend. Respecting the people in your life is one of the best things you could do...you’ll find that your relationships are based off of love and honesty rather than superficial fixations.

2. How are you getting and giving respect?

I definitely have a great deal of respect for the people in my life. Without respect, life at home would be complete and utter chaos. Not only am I learning how to respect others from my parents, they’re also learning about respecting me ! It takes a while to sort out a rocky relationship with your folks, but I know that my parents are doing everything they can to hear me out and appreciate my opinions and what I have to say. That means the world to me.

3. Name the people in your life you most respect. Why do you admire them?

Definitely my parents. They’ve both been through so much as kids at a young age. They’re just incredible. They have so much respect for others and they have the kindest hearts--it really shows.

4. Are all of Your Rights being honored by you and those around you? If so, how? If not, why?

Not necessarily. I wouldn’t be able to pinpoint every time this happens, but there always going to be people who could care less about respecting you. Sometimes they are trying to take advantage of you, other times they’re just being ruthless. But whatever the case, you just have to make sure that you know your boundaries and are willing to speak up if your gut tells you to do so.

5. Think about some disrespectful situations you’ve dealt with recently. How did you handle things? What could you have done differently? What might happen next time?

It was with a guy. Sometimes you think you know someone and just as you’re getting to know them (or not) the nasty side creeps up on you. He had absolutely no respect for me at all. How can you really tell from the beginning that this guy is a player if you’re caught up in his game? Next time, I’m not going to stick up for people I don’t know, and I’m also going to listen to my gut and go with what it says. I deserve more than that. And there’s no way I’m letting anyone push my boundaries again.

MORE INFO
Go to RESPECT Chapter 1: Page 17 to find this activity.

Questions adapted from Respect: A Girl’s Guide to Getting Respect and Dealing When Your Line Is Crossed by Courtney Macavinta and Andrea Vander Pluym © 2005. Used with permission of Free Spirit Publishing Inc., Minneapolis, MN; 1-866-703-7322; www.freespirit.com. All rights reserved. © Free Spirit Publishing Inc. 2005

Comments (0) | by Courtney on August 14

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A growing number of young women today are in a constant identity struggle to be viewed as both the hot, desired girl as well as the successful, independent woman, according to a recent study conducted in the U.S. and Canada by global market-research firm Synovate.

Rx: This is exactly what girls told us when we were writing RESPECT, and a struggle we point to again and again in the book. Girls are told they can be anything they want to be. BUT to be “successful” “liked” “wanted” they are also given constant prescriptions about how to package themselves (mostly as objects of desire and the picture of perfection). This mixed message—expectation—does one thing: It distracts young women from living a passion-filled life and reaching their true potential. Am I right, girls?

This latest study of women aged 16 to 25 found they are stressing about the following stuff:

70% said they are not happy with their body.

38% said that they would get plastic surgery if they had the money.

61% said that their biggest fear is not finding a career they love.

69% feel it is important that they make a lot of money when they are older.

39% believe they are growing up too fast.

The report goes on to say:

The need to be attractive through external reinforcement from peers and society is in constant struggle with the need to feel competent and independent through self/internal reinforcement.

Surprisingly, being young doesn't have the same appeal to these women as it used to. The high levels of stress young women are facing in their twenties is causing the majority of them to actually look forward to their thirties in the hopes that they will have what they want out of life by then.

This intense need to live a perfect life can also destroy their ability to accept failure.

I find it promising that some young women look forward to being 30-something and hopefully being old enough to know better. So what do we want young women to know? And what do we big sisters need to show? I say this:

* Organizing your entire life, thoughts, spending, goals, and dreams around maintaining a certain body or beauty ideal weakens girl power. As investments go, over time this strategy will leave you feeling bankrupt and ripped off.

* Real fulfillment comes from: Caring about yourself. Appreciating your uniqueness. Respecting your needs. Exploring your passions. Helping others. Contributing. Questioning anything that doesn’t feel right. Believing in and supporting other women. Learning from rejection and mistakes and moving on. Not seeing yourself as above or below anyone else. Knowing you’re here, you’re special, and you’re in charge of your experience and choices. Doing what you know you should do.

* Getting help is a good thing. When you’re worried about the future, how to succeed, or are struggling with your body image and self-care—ask for help. Talk to a big sister, mentor, mom, aunt, boss, teacher. Call a hotline if you’re really hurting. We’ve all been there. Nobody does this life thing alone. The key to success for any woman? Full-tilt sisterhood.

* Tell the truth. To compete with each other is to lie to each other. We keep up false impressions. We hide who we really are. We buy things we can’t afford. We act smarter than each other. We pretend we don’t bleed. For girls and women to reach their potential, we need to be free to be who we really are. We need to be OK with not being perfect and not being 100% together all the time. Instead of making each other feel inadequate (subtly or not), let’s show and tell each other the REAL truth: We all have what we need on the inside—creativity, love, resourcefulness, strength, peace, confidence, empathy, super-sonic intelligence, and a mission in life. Trust me, it’s true.

Comments (0) | by Courtney on August 11

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Chalk last week up to one of the most amazing experiences I've ever had! I was invited to La Crosse, Wisconsin by Options Clinic to speak to hundreds of health-care providers, teen educators, guidance counselors, parents and (of course) girls. The topic? How teens can make self-respecting decisions so they can REACH their potential in life. (And that is what this respect stuff is *really* all about!)

All of the events were organized by Options Clinic, a remarkable organization that provides boys, girls, women and men with information, resources and health care services like annual exams and pregnancy and STI (sexually-transmitted infections) testing. Options' name speaks for itself. Most of the time Options Clinic staff are out in the community educating people about their options and how to make healthy choices. And this valuable education is not just about dealing with sexual choices, but any choice.

So the Options team and I are so on the same page! And it was SO fulfilling to partner with Options to empower girls and women throughout their region, and during this month's national campaign to prevent teen pregnancy. (Scroll down to hear to my keynote speech at Options' annual meeting and my Wisconsin Public Radio interviews).

Options Clinic has been open for 34 years and it was really inspiring—an honor—to support its work. In Wisconsin, it's actually illegal for anyone under age 18 to have sex. So even getting into schools to talk about risk factors and how to make self-respecting choices is a major challenge. But Options still makes it happen because they want every person to have a happy, healthy, full life.

We tell girls that getting help is a Respect Basic. So I'm grateful that when they do have questions about relationships and sex that they have a place like Options to go to or call. Or when they do want to avoid unplanned pregnancies or STIs that they get to spend time with the knowledgeable, compassionate Options' nurse practitioners, who I was also honored to meet (some have been there almost 20 years!).

One of the high points of the trip was leading workshops for more than 100 high school and middle school girls. Options made the girls feel so special with gift bags, journals and good eats—and they even got an hour or two off school to come bask themselves in respect (no small feat to plan).

The girls and I talked about how disrespect creeps into our lives, but how true respect starts on the inside. I also heard devastating stories of the kinds of disrespect that girls everywhere are still going through—child abuse, sexual abuse, neglect, eating disorders, cutting (self—mutilation) and other hurtful scenarios that can hold people back for life.

These amazing girls were already fighting for respect in their lives. We talked about how they can keep respecting themselves and doing what's right for them no matter what (i.e. learning and living The 7 Respect Basics). Like believing that they all matter. Knowing they can lean on their sisters. Finding support when they need it. Boosting their respect quota every minute by doing things like: following their passions, trusting their gut, setting boundaries, and talking to themselves with respect.

Here is what one smart, beauteous 14-year-old had to say about the Options-sponsored workshop:

I was one of the girls at your Respect event in La Crosse. I just wanted to tell you that I think you are an amazing woman that made me look at a lot of things differently (for the better!). I'll be honest with you and say that I at first went to your event with my school's guidance counselors to get a free day off of school. As soon as I saw my surroundings, I knew that this was going to be something I wanted to know and listen to. With my experience with events like yours, there was always the beautiful model-like person pretty much saying, "You have to respect yourself, your body and mind." And it just didn't seem so "realistic" coming from someone like that. I saw that you were the author of this book and thought, "Wow, that woman is beautiful, inside and out. I can tell she respects herself including her environment and surroundings and now she's helping other girls to do the same, and that makes her beautiful." The fact that you were so laid back and honest made me comfortable in listening to things being said by you and my peers and it made me comfortable in realizing, life isn't perfect nor is anyone. Everyone has their flaws and that makes us what we are and gives us our own personalities. I just want to simply say thank-you for what you're doing for the female gender today and I hope your wise words, feelings, and outlooks get out to each and every person in the world.

Well if this is not a reason to get up in the morning and keep spreading respect, I don't know what is. The local TV news stations also interviewed girls and many said the whole day made them feel like they were not alone (mission accomplished!). For those of you who have donated books to girls in the past or who support girls in other ways—thank you (we are doing a real GOOD thing!).

You can also be a part of this social change partnership with Options Clinic. Like all nonprofits, they need fiscal support and they are also renovating their super old but well-loved and well-utilized space in order to serve more people. Please contribute whatever you can. We might only be able to talk the talk sometimes, but Options is walking the walk for us everyday. So if you're inclined, please give Options some legs: donate today!

Audio files and press from Options Clinic events
Keynote: Helping girls and women reach their potential (MP3)

Wisconsin Public Radio: Newsmaker interview (MP3)

Katherine Dunn show (WPR) interview: Teens and sexual choices (Real Audio)

La Crosse Tribune: Dealing with Prom Night Pressures

WANT to plan a Respect Day for teens? Click here!

Comments (0) | by Courtney on May 5

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Oh, yes I have the decent book-authorish-homeowner-mentor credentials now. But when I was girl, teen and young*er* woman, I couldn't get out of this abusive releationship. With myself. I went through lots of traumas and dramas and self-hatred. (Keep reading for my rap sheet).

Was this just growing up girl? Nope. I needed to be hooked up to a self-respect drip. Thank gawd I now know how to get my fix.

Although I've doubled in age since some of my biggest disrespect spirals, it's all still right here in the old memory bank. I guess what I'm saying to the girls of the world to whom I'm SO majorly devoted to today: I can relate, sisters.

Sometimes...I too hated my body. I too let people use me. I too was violated. I too was mean to others. I too was mean to my mom (sorry mommy--love you!). Like many of you, I needed my dad to do his job but he was hurting too much to show up to work (I made it, though, and so did he--love you dad!). I went out with guys who didn't respect themselves and *really* didn't respect me. I went through a nasty teen-binge-drinking stage. I cut school. I lied to myself and others. I didn't always appreciate being biracial or short or booty-esque. I too let myself down by not reaching my potential every single day.

I was on a disrespect tear sometimes and my parents couldn't stop me (believe me!). Despite my crisp cheerleading outfit (yep, that's right) sometimes my real spirit felt broken down. I felt like I was making the same mistakes over and over and over. Sometimes I was proud of myself. Other days I wanted to disown me. And I hid a lot this stuff and my feelings really well. The Academy doesn't know what it's missing.

So how did I get from that to this? I made the respect connection. I knew I wanted to be somebody. Then I realized I *already* was! I was here. Good enough...

First, I put my non-student-of-the-year-past behind me and went to college (community college, remedial math, the works--hey I barely got out of HS despite my full dance card). Some really cool teachers encouraged me. I found my passion (journalism). I also started "walking around the hole." Which is to say, I stopped doing stuff that made me feel bad, icky, dumb. I had, like, real goals--so outta my way! If something didn't feel right, I put on the brakes. I tried not to repeat experiences that made me feel like crap. BOUNDARIES. I found mine. I started hanging around people who respected themselves, too (or just paying attention to the fact that a lot of my friends had always been booming with self-respect). I learned how to talk again. Like about what was so not OK to do to me and what really mattered to me and what I thought about the world and other stuff.

I started to make self-respect the engine under my hood. And that was just the beginning to putting myself back on the road to respect.

I still struggle with some issues that my 13- to 18-year-old self battled, like: Appreciating and taking care of my body. Communicating honestly in all my relationships. Listening to myself. Gossiping too much. I still feel--sometimes--like I'm not good enough. But honestly, not that often. Sounds stuck up? Trust me it's a good thing. You gotta love and accept the one you're with, girls (Ms. You). You gotta "wear your crown" as O would say.

So why do I harp all day about respect, and write books and blogs about it? Because I want every girl to reach her potential. I want every girl to value herself more than all the bling in the world. I want every girl to be safe and to heal from the bad-dark stuff that happens. I want every girl to discover what one of my teacher's calls your "soul wisdom." In other words, I want you to know the real you and to be all in love with you. I want you to know how to stand by and for you. Then you can spread your yummy amazingness to the world. The world *needs* you to make it. It needs you to blow the lid off this mutha (in your own way, of course)! And it starts with respect on the inside.

Here I am this girl who didn't have a compass or a clue when I was a teen. I figured it out the hard, harder, hardest way. Because I love all girls like a sister, now I want to show you some shortcuts. In this case, you can totally cheat off my paper and read my diary...

And about my rap sheet. I wouldn't take any of it back (again, sorry mom!). Finding my way to Respect-ville was worth the journey. Because in life you can always make another choice and go in another direction and learn. That's the point after all.

Even my mom *tried* to tell me this in her graduation message to me in my yearbook. You know the ones. I just dug it out to scan a pic of that awesomely-big-haired-photo above. My smarty-pants mom said something so cool to me back then (single tear):

Please remember this as you start your new journey in life. We are constantly becoming what eventually we are going to be.

If you don't want to listen to your mom, listen to mine! Respect is your birthright. Isn't it time you got what you deserved?

Here's how to get started: know the basics and know your rights.

P.S. How do you struggle for respect? What have you figured out so far? Tell me--submit your comments below!

Comments (2) | by Courtney on April 3

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Respect is connected to everything. From how you feel about yourself to how others treat you to the choices you make. Take this quiz to find out if your world is running on respect or if disrespect is holding you back—and how you can spread respect for all girls, starting with yourself.

Click to here to download the quiz!

Comments (0) | by Courtney on March 6

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This might feel impossible to believe sometimes, but when people have disrespected you—even in the worst way—you still have tons of power. Why? Because respect is always within reach because true respect starts on the inside. You also have the power to use the F-word.

As in, forgiveness.

Here's the deal: When someone is awful or abusive, many girls say that they stay angry—for a really long time (I've been there!). Some women say they are still angry about what happened to them 5, 10, 20 or 40 years ago. And that anger isn't hurting the person(s) who disrespected us. When you stay angry with people, you're the one who feels it and suffers—not them! And when you're PO'd all the time (even when it's totally justified) it can block you from meeting your potential because you feel like a victim or want revenge or just can't stop thinking about it.

But you don't want to let those people or events keep running your life or busting up your self-respect, right? No way. To break this cycle (which is like violence in your heart and mind), start by getting help. No matter what's happened, there are people who care about you, who can support you, and who can help you heal even the deepest wound.

Then when you're ready, consider forgiveness. Now forgiving doesn't mean forgetting or excusing or becoming friends again. To forgive means to let go of the anger (a.k.a. resentment) you're holding. For example, many victims of really terrible crimes (or family members of victims) say forgiveness helps them keep healing their pain everyday. Without forgiveness, they find it hard to even think about anything but the crime.

So how do you forgive?

Think about a time when you blew it and hurt someone or yourself. Unfortunately, it feels like I have millions of these examples: I was rude to my mom. I gossiped about someone and she found out. I was really mean to a girl in school. I was short with my sweetie. I called myself a name. I made the same "mistake" for the 100th time.

When you feel like you messed up, are you hard on yourself? Do you still think you're a jerk months and months later? Do you talk down to yourself? Or even worse, do you keep disrespecting yourself and others the same way you did when this whole so-angry-at-yourself torture started?

Now that you know all about The 7 Respect Basics and Your Rights, then you understand than when we disrespect ourselves and others it's because we're not feelin' the love (or respect)—from the inside and outside. Bouncing back from so-called mistakes, learning from them and forgiving yourself is a big part of being self-respecting. Forgiveness is also the secret ingredient to bringing about peace (in you, your home, your life and around the world).

So start by having compassion for yourself. You deserve it. When disrespect has taken over, think about what you learned, why you made certain choices, and what you want to do differently in the future. Apologize to you, and start to move on (because when we don't forgive we get so super stuck!).

When you've practiced forgiving yourself, then try it out on others. Let's say someone has been downright dirty to you, can you forgive? Think about what could be going down that would lead the person to acting so disrespectful or abusive. Like, is he being treated that way home? Does she hate herself or abuse herself? Has he/she been abused by someone else? Did he get pushed around for years and is now on the defensive? If it's not possible to drum up compassion, then try the next step...

Even if the person has acted like your worst enemy, think about what your anger is doing to you. You don’t have to forgive the person in person. (Hey, I don't want to see people who did bad stuff to me—especially if they're not sorry. I need my boundaries.). But you can forgive in your heart.

When it comes to using the F-word, just remember, you're in charge of you. Even when people don't forgive you, instead of feeling bad forever and ever, you can forgive them for not forgiving you (ha!). People say the truth will set you free? Well, so can forgiveness.

More Info >
Quotes on forgiveness | RESPECT Chapter 2: Learn From Mistakes

llustration by Catherine LePage © Free Spirit Publishing Inc. 2005

Comments (0) | by Courtney on February 2

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Find out five ways you can boost your daughter's self-respect in Quick & Simple magazine. Click here read my tips!. (Girls, check it out and get the scoop for yourself!)

Comments (0) | by Courtney on February 1

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Respect is connected to everything. Your feelings. Your choices. Your body image. Your relationships. Your safety. Your rights. And your future. Sure, getting respect isn't always easy. Sometimes you have to fight for what you want. But that's the secret we all need to learn: Respect is always within reach because true respect starts on the inside. Even in the face of disrespect, you can always take action by learning and living these basics:

1. Having Self-Respect
Knowing you’re more valuable than all the money in the world. Knowing you have a mission in life. Knowing you deserve love—especially from Ms. You. Accepting yourself and seeing your amazing-ness. Finding and following your passions. Taking the time to get to know the real you (now and forever).

2. Listening to Your Gut
Tuning into that voice inside that tells you what you want, and what feels right or wrong. Making choices that pass your gut checks first. Protecting yourself when you feel unsafe. Trusting yourself—even when it means standing apart from the crowd.

3. Setting Boundaries
Exploring your personal beliefs and values. Deciding what’s OK with you, and what’s so not OK with you when it come to how you’re treated or what’s happening around you. Sticking to your boundaries when you need to protect yourself or stand up for what’s right for you. Respecting your needs and saying no when you want to. Making self-respecting choices. Communicating your boundaries to make your relationships stronger—and honoring others’ boundaries too.

4. Speaking Up
Using your voice because your opinions, ideas, needs and feelings matter. Letting your boundaries be known when it makes sense, like speaking up when something doesn’t pass a gut check. Improving your relationships (or protecting yourself when needed) by learning to be assertive versus passive or aggressive. Speaking up in the face of disrespect of yourself or others. Telling your truth.

5. Building Strong Relationships (and Sisterhood)
Investing in creating respectful relationships because it makes you stronger and helps you reach your potential. Learning how to communicate respectfully. Understanding that you are not alone. Treating others how you want to be treated. Creating sisterhood in your life—accepting other girls and women for who they are, valuing them, supporting them and leaning on them. Believing that if other women are successful, you are successful (and if they are disrespected, you are disrespected).

6. Fighting for Equality
Understanding that you have certain fundamental rights. Respecting others’ rights. Believing that all human beings are created equal. Never believing that you are less than others or above them. Fighting for your rights and against injustice. Leading social change to spread respect for all.

7. Getting Help
Taking care of yourself by getting help when you need it. Asking for support when you are hurting, disrespected, afraid or just don’t know how to do something yet. Seeking help when you need to make changes in your life or to build up your self-respect. Finding supportive resources and environments when you need to heal or want to grow. Knowing that getting help isn’t a sign of weakness but proof of your strength.

To learn all about the The 7 Respect Basics, check out RESPECT, "Chapter 1: What Respect Means to You." In the book, you'll find tons of tips for how to speak up, stay in touch with your gut, and spread respect!

Adapted from Respect: A Girl’s Guide to Getting Respect and Dealing When Your Line Is Crossed by Courtney Macavinta and Andrea Vander Pluym © 2005. Used with permission of Free Spirit Publishing Inc., Minneapolis, MN; 1-866-703-7322; www.freespirit.com. All rights reserved. Illustration by Catherine LePage © Free Spirit Publishing Inc. 2005

Comments (0) | by Courtney on January 31

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Here's something I learned and live to tell you: Respect is your birthright! It's connected to everything from how you treat yourself, to the choices you make, to who you are and will become. And no matter what you're going through—like dealing with your feelings and body image, family, friends, BFs/GFs, and disrespect dilemmas like sexual harassment or abuse—respect is always the remedy. So how do you get the respect you deserve? It starts by knowing your rights.

You have a RIGHT to:

• Feel like you belong and are an equal

• Figure out what you need and take care of yourself

• Listen to your true feelings

• Speak your mind, change your mind, and question the world around you

• Be different from your family, your friends, and media ideals and images

• Feel and be safe

• Become independent

• Follow your passions and be the real you

Ready to claim your rights? Check out RESPECT to learn all about how getting respect—and fighting disrespect—can change your life forever (in a really good way).

Adapted from Respect: A Girl’s Guide to Getting Respect and Dealing When Your Line Is Crossed by Courtney Macavinta and Andrea Vander Pluym © 2005. Used with permission of Free Spirit Publishing Inc., Minneapolis, MN; 1-866-703-7322; www.freespirit.com. All rights reserved.Illustration by Catherine LePage © Free Spirit Publishing Inc. 2005

Comments (0) | by Courtney on January 31

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Ophelia Speaks: Adolescent Girls Write About Their Search for Self
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Perfectionism: What's Bad About Being Too Good?
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Learn how to find insight and strength through writing. Perfect for the journaling exercises in this book!

llustration by Catherine LePage © Free Spirit Publishing Inc. 2005

Comments (0) | by Courtney on December 29

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