Dr. Madeline Levine has been a practicing clinical psychologist in affluent Marin County for 25 years. Now she’s written a book about how some teens are coming up empty despite having tons of opportunities and resources—and the pricey goods to go with them. In The Price of Privilege: How Parental Pressure and Material Advantage Are Creating a Generation of Disconnected and Unhappy Kids, Levine writes about what’s she’s finding among so-called privileged youth:

When a bright, personable fifteen-year-old girl, from a loving and financially comfortable family, came into her office with the word empty carved into her left forearm, Levine was startled. This girl and her message seemed to embody a disturbing pattern Levine had been observing. Her teenage patients were bright, socially skilled, and loved by their affluent parents. But behind a veneer of achievement and charm, many of these teens suffered severe emotional problems. What was going on?

Numerous studies show that privileged adolescents are experiencing epidemic rates of depression, anxiety disorders, and substance abuse—rates that are higher than those of any other socioeconomic group of young people in this country. The various elements of a perfect storm—materialism, pressure to achieve, perfectionism, disconnection—are combining to create a crisis in America's culture of affluence.

This culture is as unmanageable for parents—mothers in particular—as it is for their children. While many privileged kids project confidence and know how to make a good impression, alarming numbers lack the basic foundation of psychological development: an authentic sense of self. Even parents often miss the signs of significant emotional problems in their "star" children.

I'm almost done with this read and have to say: Ms. Levine hits on something that I have seen and felt among young women, my peers, and, well, it seems like almost everyone. What happens when you don’t learn how to trust yourself, be resourceful and do your thing (whatever that may be)? What happens when you measure your worth based on what’s on the outside (looks, possessions, status, fitting in with—or being on top of—the crowd)? Levine’s main concern is that the privileged kids she studied aren’t becoming autonomous. They don’t know themselves at all. Worse: There is no "self" there to know. They also are consumed by materialism—valuing people and themselves based on what they have, not who they are deep down.

But what Levine is talking about is not just “poor little rich girl” stuff. Maybe you've felt it (are living it) too. I call them self-respect-busting MYTHS. Believing these myths often adds up to feeling broke on the self-respect front and can rob us of our true potential:

Your goal in life and efforts should be focused on getting the best, most expensive, magazine-mentioned stuff—from your handbag to your home to that five-star wedding bought on credit. It’s important to stand out in *these* ways.
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You should fixate on remaining young and thin (ever so discretely).
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Success is scarce—you need to fight everyone for it. Or if someone else is successful, they stole your spot!
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To feel good is not only to look good but to (secretly) feel above other people (especially your “friends”).
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You need to keep up with the Jones’? Forget that. It’s about being first-to-market and miles ahead of the Jones’. The Jones’ can eat your dust (and be jealous of you while choking on said dust).
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You have to strive to win big and collect impressive victories during every waking minute: Just won American Idol today? So, what’s next tomorrow?
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Not that you’d say it out loud, but you deserve better than others—or know better than others. You also feel entitled to what your parents have or to be able to buy your parents 5x over.
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Even when you get what you (think you) want, you should still want more, better, the best.
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To be somebody means to have all attention on you as if you’re walking down a 24/7 red carpet with bulbs flashing.
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To be somebody really means everybody wants to be you.
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Not Blinged-Out Life but The Big Empty (Doesn’t it?)

Rx: Believe me, I still struggle with some of these self-respect-busting myths. Like the occasional: You’re nobody till Oprah loves you (and invites you on her show). Honestly, though, we don’t have to operate this way. Having self-respect, feeling valuable (but not more so than others), and knowing that you have a mission in life (and having the resourcefulness to get on with it!) is a PRIVILEGE we should all enjoy.

Anyone who knows me knows that on paper I didn’t come from a life of traditional privilege. (i.e. Single mom who started out as a teen mom and worked her way up without a high school diploma; domestic violence and addictions under my roof; father who’d done serious time; knowing what “one paycheck from the street” meant before most kids start collecting an allowance. And no, I didn’t get an allowance.)

But I feel so privileged so to speak. Especially when I feel the pain the teens I connect with are going through (whether they’ve been given every opportunity or are struggling to survive). Why? Because my parents and older siblings made me feel loved and special because I was, well, just me (no additives, no upgrades, no pressure). My parents had no real plan laid out for me, or money to back up my plans when I made them (which I did resent sometimes—“it’s not fair!”).

However, many of the teens I’m meeting are living another extreme: They are either seemingly handed everything and their life plans or have no skills, internal resources, or healthy self-respect. OR they are getting little-to-no support, and though they might have a lot of heart they have no help in learning how to survive and find their own successes. Um, they all have cel phones.

All I can say is that I got some character-building basics from my family that served me well before we ever came up with the 7 Respect Basics. The lessons were: You’re responsible for you. You’re responsible for who you choose to hang with. Educate yourself so you can solve problems and have an impact. If you don’t know how to do something: ask. Treat people how you want to be treated—clean up your act when you don’t. Pitch in to help people when they’re down. You need to pay your bills and honor your commitments. So if you need money, make it, but don’t be greedy, self-centered or wasteful. Less is more. Speak out against injustice—always. Appreciate what you have. What counts most is being a good person. It’s your life. And my favorite: I never promised you a rose garden... All this with a healthy dose of boundaries (though not always, I had to learn to trust my gut and protect myself, too).

What I didn’t get: a credit card or a cookie-cutter formula for success. The result: Coming up with my own brand of success feels so much better (and achievable!). Thanks to this privileged guidance, I’ve found that when I really feel sparkly, gorgeous, and good it’s when I’m striving for something that’s hard to buy and requires no competitive edge: To be compassionate and helpful and non-harmful. To do what I know I should do. To follow my dreams. In fact, life is really booming when I’m not obsessing about what’s outside of the true me or competing to “get mine” (again: possessions, looks, status, being right, riches, rewards, notoriety). I’m not sure how this stacks up to living a life of traditional privilege, but I sure don’t feel like I’m living on Empty here.

After reading Levine’s book, it just confirms why I believe we need to change the expectations and marks of success. We need to change it for ourselves, and we definitely need to change it for the young people we’re guiding, mentoring, parenting. Let’s make the definition of success something like this:
* When you uncover your deep-down-inside bling and let it shine…
* When you respect yourself and others and fight for respect for all…
* When you feel connected to and equal to and care about everyone else on the planet…
* When you make your time here count in the way you were meant too—in a way that brings out your bliss (whatever that may be)…
* When you're also on your own timeline...
* When you feel happy to work hard at something you love or to support something you love...
* When you know how to make self-respecting decisions, appreciate your mind, body, and soul, and love Ms. (or Mr.) You…
* When you’re not afraid but empowered…

Sounds so perfect and quite the privilege! Operating from this flavor of POV, you can still put food on the table and survive and even succeed beyond your wildest dreams (which is what privilege-wielding parents really want for their kids, right?). You will know what it feels like to be really full and spilling over with yumminess to offer the world. But the difference is you won’t care if the Jones’ see you serving up your royal feast of a life on paper plates or fine china.

BRING OUT YOUR REAL BLING
Here are a few more quick nuggets to chew on:

Girls
• Think about what matters to you. No matter what life someone else is trying to carve out for you, keep trying new things and digging up your passions. Only you can really know how *you* want to spend your time on this planet. Only you can figure out what you have to offer (and you do have many amazing gifts and blessings to offer, trust me!).
• Get involved. Honestly, it feels good (and can pull you out of a slump) to contribute to your neighborhood, school, community, planet. Think about something you care about or that makes you mad. Then start to use all your fabulous powers, talents and gifts to make a change or make a difference. You’ll learn about yourself, feel less lonely, and start to see how awesome you are (and why we all need you to do your thing: you’re that important to the world!). It's important to feel connected to the world around you; to know you belong just because you're here (one love, girls!).
• Question everything. Do you think that some people deserve more than others or are better than everyone else? Why? Do you need to be rich and good-looking to matter? What do you think makes people feel truly valued and happy? What does it mean to “be somebody”? What kind of person do you want to be (hint: the answer should have nothing to do with your “lifestyle”)? What do you want out of life right now that you’re afraid to go after or even talk about?
• SEE RESPECT Part 1: Respect on the Inside.

Advocates
• Re-think success. Whether you’re a parent or mentor, think about how you can encourage young people to become who they are supposed to be. How can they be resourceful? How can they be more DIY? How can they measure their own success vs. always worrying about how they measure up to everyone else? A good place to start is to look at what you value about yourself and others. What do you think really matters in life? Are these standards filling you up or making you feel empty?
• Reveal the many options and that you don’t know all the answers. Life is not one-size-fits-all. Can you share your experience as one example of how to do this “life thing,” but also admit that your way is not the only way? Teens need to have their eyes opened to the possibilities in life, not be clamped down by having to follow some perfect plan for success (there is no such thing). Let them know it’s OK to make mistakes. That’s how we learn. Offer them tips on how to bounce back after a painful mistake and take responsibility and set new boundaries (this is where your guidance and support is SO needed).
• Show them how to earn a really charmed life. How do you get real privileges in life? You earn them. Show teens ways to earn their way through life, how to open doors, how to make choices that show they respect themselves and others, how to deal with rejection, how to celebrate and use their gifts (and I don't mean birthday gifts!). Also show them the payoffs you feel when you care about and respect others as much as yourself. And invest in the real you. Are you hung up trying to make your life seem perfect or on par with your peers from the outside looking in? Do you only feel like you matter when your body or lifestyle is a certain way? Do you feel like your true self is not showing up and running the show? Question everything. How can you lay down values or habits that don't make you feel respect on the inside?
• Drop the judgments. Judgment (of ourself and others) can be at the root of why we over-shop, gossip, try to one-up others, or obsess about our weight or posessions--we often are trying to fill the voids that we feel when we aren't "as good" as others. Judgments are what make us mean:) Judgments are what make us rigid in our views of what a really awesome life looks and feels like. Judgment can also be how we try to establish that we're different or special (but you already are special, trust me!). I totally struggle with this one too. I sometimes "can't believe" what other people are doing. But the only way to sidestep the respect-busting competition and really connect with others is to let go of judgments about them. The less judgmental you are about others, the less you judge yourself and the easier it can be to just be you (And we need to model this for our girls!).
• Listen. Teens say the No. 1 way they feel respected is when people listen to them. So listen up about what they are struggling with—or even what’s missing. Like if a young person seems hopeless or has no concern for other people, what’s going on? Also, don’t provide advice 24/7. Instead ask them what they think they should do. Finally, start letting them drive. As in their own lives.

P.S. In addition to RESPECT, Free Spirit offers tons of other character-building books, which you can find here
and here.

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