• About
• Press
• Programs + Speaking
• Events
• Blogs
• Books
• Tools
• Coaching + Training
• Shop
• Contact

The same week the story broke, tween idol Jamie Lynn Spears became a mom after a reportedly unplanned pregnancy. And according to The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy, recent data shows that the teen birth rate is on the rise for the first time in 15 years. Case in point: A recent study by the CDC found that condom use is down among teens and first-time sex for those under age 13 is on the rise and one in four teenage girls has a sexually transmitted disease.

Though there is now dispute about whether the Gloucester pact was real, with 17 girls pregnant at one school--and teen pregnancy on the rise in general--does it matter if there was a pact (my longer take on this here)? For parents, the question becomes: What do your teens know about teen pregnancy and how can you all play a role in prevention? Before you start in about the facts or your values about sex and pregnancy, try asking your teens what they think to truly get the conversation going. It also shows that you respect that they are young adults with their own ideas and values--and if they feel you aren't judging them it keeps the door open so they can come to you for advice and support.

Here are some talking points for parents (as featured on ABC's View From the Bay). And GIRLS, there's no rule that says you can't start the conversation with your parents, friends and, of course, anyone you're considering hooking up with in ANY way. Get yapping will ya?

Tip #1: Get informed
Explore web sites like The National Campaign and PPFA to learn the facts about teen pregnancy and to get tips and resources for parents. Sign up for their news alerts to stay on top of trends and hot topics that will be great conversation-starters with your girls.

Tip #2: Ask your teens what *they* think causes teen pregnancy (and the STDs that can come with unprotected sex, too)
These hot-button media stories are a great launching point to ask your sons and daughters what they know about pregnancy prevention. Ask them questions like: "What do you think led those 17 girls in Massachusetts or Jamie Lynn to get pregnant at young ages?" Don't settle for answers like "They were stupid idiots!" Ask them Juicy Questions to inspire them to dig deeper. And ask open-ended questions that encourage them to think about these issues for themselves and see their responsibility in making self-respecting choices. Ask them questions like:
* What are reasons you think people have unprotected sex or sex at a young age?
* What could have prevented those pregnancies?
* What are the downsides of teen or unplanned pregnancy?
* If someone plans to get pregnant at a young age, what do you think they're wanting?
* Who influences you and your friends' decisions around sex and pregnancy/STD prevention?
* In a relationship, who's responsible for taking steps to prevent pregnancy and STDs? Do you see any differences in how guys and girls are taught to prevent pregnancy and STDs?
* For you personally, what's the best way to prevent pregnancy and STDs?

Tip #3: Ask them about their goals and how you can help
Most teen parents face numerous extra challenges. They have lower completion rates of high school or struggle to make ends meet long-term or many girls end up being single parents. According to The National Campaign: "Simply put, if more children in this country were born to parents who are ready and able to care for them, we would see a significant reduction in a host of social problems in the United States, from school failure and crime to child abuse and neglect."

One teen pregnancy prevention tact is to support your teens in designing a future they choose versus one they fall into by accident. Vision Board anyone? Ask them questions like:
* If you could have it your way, where do you see yourself in five years? What's your life like and what are you doing?
* What do you need to do to make this happen?
* What people or resources can help you reach your goals (including pregnancy/STD prevention)?
* How can I support you in making your goals happen? What advice or resources do you want from me?
* How can I make you feel more comfortable coming to me for help if you're struggling with a decision or make a mistake (which happens to everyone)?

Tip #4: Be honest
If you feel there are gaps in your teens' sex education, offer them info they need to make choices that keep them safe, healthy and on the track they want to be on. Be honest about what you've learned and wish you'd know when you were younger. Try not to be in denial: Almost half (48%) of high school teens say they have had sex. Teen pregnancy isn't the only issue. Unplanned pregnancy for 20-somethings is also an issue (Three-quarters of unplanned pregnancies—2.3 million—were to women 29 and younger.). So get them thinking about what they want, how they can make choices that support their goals, and how to include you as part of their trusted support network.

You don't have to ask all these questions at once! Ask when issues arise or you feel yourself getting fearful about what might happen to them. Empower them to start make choices based on what they really want in life vs. feeling powerless or aimless. In general when you start shifting from advising and telling to asking Juicy Questions, your relationship with your teens can stay open as they become self-sufficient adults.

Comments (0) | by Courtney on June 30

email to a friend | link to this article

The media has been buzzing about a "let's get pregnant!" pact apparently made by at least 8 out of the (she says matter-of-factly) 17 pregnant students at Gloucester High School in Massachusetts, according to Time magazine. Update: A week after the story broke, there is much dispute about whether the pact was real or not. Even so, 17 girls pregnant at one school?! Does it matter if there was a pact?

I'll make a confession that only my inner circle of girlfriends from high school has known until now. Eighteen years ago, I made my own sex "pact" when I was 15-years-old. I made the pact the summer before my junior year of high school. It wasn't a pact to get pregnant. It wasn't a pact to stay a virgin. But it was a pact to lose my virginity alongside my BFF on a camping weekend.

We went camping with two 18-year-old men. We even made them dinner. We wore our cute Contempo Casual ensembles and then we took leave to our separate tents. At least her partner was her long-time BF. Mine was a guy who'd showed me minimal attention (being rude and dismissive), taken me to a dance (a last-minute invite), and chased after my friends in front of me (and everyone else in school). And the "pact" experience sucked so bad for me that I swear I remember thinking—at the moment it was happening—I'll never be the same after this.

And I wasn't. Not because my "precious" virginity was gone. But because I had hit the no-self-respect-aholic's equivalent of ROCK bottom.

I knew at that moment that I was treating myself like trash and I was getting the same in return. This is easy to do when you basically believe you are trash. I spent almost three more years making it worse for myself.

I was caught in a disrespect spiral that hadn't started with that pact. Just like we all know this Gloucester H.S. baby boom process started long before those girls got knocked up or Juno hit the big screen with her quick whit but slow-thinking when it came to birth control. New mom Jamie Lynn Spears is not to blame either (timing wise these girls aren't far behind her on the way to the delivery room).

Like I'm sure is true with the Gloucester 17, a sexual choice triggered by having next to no self-respect took me time to cultivate (even with my environment speeding things along). And even from the thin analysis were getting of their environment, it sounds like I have a lot in common with the girls of Gloucester. As do girls everywhere I go. I hear a story like this a week (or dozens when I'm the road speaking)—of a girl wanting to get pregnant or having unprotected sex or abusing drugs and alcohol or dating guys who could give a rat's ass. Or just hating herself and not really knowing why.

And this all comes from a place in a girl where she hasn't connected to the truth: that she is valuable no matter what kind of feedback the world is giving her. So she (in this case a gaggle of girls) settle for a senseless pact (whether explicit or not) in which the fine print (that life is about to get even harder) is written in invisible ink.

When you don't have great expectations for your 15-year-old self, doesn't a Target registry, baby shower with your BFFs and a little bundle of love start to look good right about now?

My pact didn't lead to me be becoming a young mother but it did lead to a long, drawn out rock bottom that became a cornerstone of my ultimate turn-around. That camping trip is one of the main reasons I co-wrote RESPECT. And it drives my mission to support girls and women in building their own self-respect and creating change so that all people get the goods. (Even if like me you have to build it back all the way from the bottom of a nasty tent in the woods where you just surrendered your last shred of dignity). Or even if you have to build back from a pact that led to 17 babies being born into the class of 2008-2009.

So this is a "hot" story. Everyone will be asking WHY? And a good number will cast these girls like thoughtless, malicious morons (insert newscaster voice: One girl even had sex with a 24-year-old homeless man to conceive.). And update as of 6/26: Now it appears the pact might have not even been real. No matter: Lets look at the impact of the girls' situation on all of us (does it really matter which ones made the pact or if it existed at all?). And let's look harder at ourselves. Recent data shows that the teen birth rate is on the rise for the first time in 15 years. Gloucester H.S. you're not alone. Along with comprehensive sex education, self-respect is a commodity that needs to be nurtured now in every one of our communities, homes and hearts. And in every girl. And in those 17 fathers who will no doubt NOT be the main focus of the national pregnancy pact media frenzy. And in those 17 babies who will be here soon.

Here's what it comes down to as put so well by one girl quoted in the Time article that first reported the pact:

Ireland, 18, gave birth her freshman year and says some of her now pregnant schoolmates regularly approached her in the hall, remarking how lucky she was to have a baby. "They're so excited to finally have someone to love them unconditionally."

And Ireland’s observation also reveals the true solution:
What if every girl knew how to make that "someone" herself?

This is why I get out of bed every morning. To make a different kind of pact—a Respect Pact—the new default setting for all girls and women. And for me.

More Info >
• The 7 Respect Basics
• Sex: The 7 Questions
• Teen Pregnancy Prevention: Emerging Answers 2007

Comments (2) | by Courtney on June 26

email to a friend | link to this article

National, state and local YRBS studies are conducted every two years among high school students throughout the United States. These surveys monitor health risk behaviors that lead to unintentional injuries and violence; tobacco, alcohol and other drug use; and sexual behaviors that can lead to unintended pregnancy or sexually transmitted diseases, including HIV infection. The surveys also monitor high school students’ dietary behaviors, physical inactivity, and the prevalence of obesity and asthma. More than 14,000 U.S. high school students participated in the 2007 National YRBS.

What did the CDC find after looking at the 2007 data? Today's high school students are less likely to engage in many health risk behaviors than high school students in the early 1990s. I'm glad to know that many teens are not taking a page from me and my friends' book (hi, class of 1992—glad we made it out alive!). In all seriousness, though, there are still some real rough spots. Especially when it comes to Latino youth, under-age-13 sex and condom use.

Interesting Finding #1: First-time teen sex is down among white and black teens. HIV/AIDS prevention education is up. But the survey also found an increase from 2005 to 2007 in the percentage of teens having sex before age 13. Among sexually active teens, 61.5% reported using a condom during their most recent intercourse, down from 62.8% in 2005 and 63% in 2003.

Rx: Sex isn't about will you or won't you. Come on! Teens deserve our respect and that means comprehensive sexual education including communication skills and how to use condoms and birth control and how to get tested for and prevent STDs and how to talk to some supportive adults before you jump into the hook-up pool.

GIRLS: A good start is The 7 Questions, then read everything here, then find a trusted adult to go over your options with...Here's a hint: Your mom. Planned Parenthood staff. I know, I know not everyone has a mom like my mom—she was a real straight shooter that one. Probably because she had a kid her junior year in high school. She gave us comprehensive sex ed. at home, in the car, at the dinner table, in front of the TV. I probably told my friends about The Pill and Waiting Til You're Ready and Boys Who Want to Get A Notch on Their Belt when I was 8. So I knew the facts. But with my self-respect on the fritz, I still needed to talk to my mom and reach out for support. I made a lot of mistakes because I didn't reach out. So think about it: Who can you turn to for a honest conversation or two or 500?

Interesting Finding #2:

Hispanic students remain at greater risk for certain health related behaviors and have not matched the progress made over time by black students and white students in reducing some sexual risk behaviors. Hispanic students were more likely than either black students or white students to attempt suicide, use cocaine, heroin or ecstasy, ride with a driver who had been drinking alcohol, or go 24 hours or more without eating in an effort to lose weight. Hispanic students were also more likely than both black students and white students to say they did not go to school on occasion because of safety concerns, were offered or sold illegal drugs on school property or drank alcohol on school property.

Rx: I'm Latina. Not that I need to say that for permission to speak. But look, I see this going on with the girls I work with and in my community and in my family. Of course, it's not the whole story and I don't have all the answers. But I will say this: We need more self-respect-building investment in our Latino youth. Like all teens I want to see Latinos having real opportunity to thrive (jobs, college, family planning, free speech, equal rights, a vision for their life and the ability to make it happen) vs. being left behind and disregarded (prison, unplanned teen pregnancy, restricted rights, gangs, profiling and families being destroyed by addiction, deportation, and the list goes on and on). This doesn't just happen in the Latino community, but this study does confirm that we are struggling big time.

Some action items for advocates (and girls)...

Partner with Latino youth to make changes: Organizations like Girls For A Change don't try to "fix" Latina girls, they ask them what needs fixing. The innovative ideas that girls share spark social change projects that the girls themselves lead and complete. So take GFC's lead and find a way to partner with teens to change the status quo! They have the ideas and you can provide the coaching and network to help them see it through. Along the way, their self-respect and vision for themselves grows. You'll grow too. We need to call ALL teens up to leadership. Especially those who are struggling and who fall under this study's concerning findings. They are invaluable assets. Please invite them to the problem-solving table.

Invest: Back organizations like Eastside Heroes. They are sending kids to college, feeding hard-working parents in need and giving hope and role models to lots of kids where I live. Just one man started this organization and is making a powerful impact. Also in California, teens can apply for the Chicano Latino Youth Leadership Program. Then there is the CCNMA, which gave me two scholarships that enabled me to transfer to San Francisco State University and ultimately become the first person in my family to graduate from college. I was just reminded of this and just sent them a check myself today (really, I just licked the stamp)! Or donate to another scholarship organization that enables kids who have NO resources to complete their education and become self-aware, visionary leaders in our society. College isn't the only way to break these cycles, but it's a darn good start.

Prevent teen pregnancy and STDs: I just met the National Campaign's Latino Initiative team in D.C. and they are working to prevent teen and unplanned pregnancy from a place of respect and care. Read the research, check out the recommendations and get involved. The National Campaign also published a guide, Emerging Answers 2007, that has research and findings about programs that reduce teen pregnancy and STDs. Please check out this guide to bring a program to your area or get linked to an effective one that's already opened shopped. For more on what we need to do about sex ed. see the Rx under Finding 1 above! There are more resources on StayTeen.org.

Listen and learn from gang and drug prevention task forces and organizations in your area: From my life experience, these issues go hand-in-hand with limiting the potential—and lifespan—of Latino youth. Every org is different and has a different tact. So find the one that matches your values. I'm sure we can all connect the dots to how this impacts us all and every family you'll ever meet if you dig deep enough.

Strengthen families: Latina teens are obviously a part of families. I was! We need to be holistic and compassionate with the whole family when we are trying to empower youth. Health care, child care, education, legal assistance, fair wages, drug and alcohol recovery, safety, respect, inclusion in the political system. The list goes and on and on. For starters, look at what is going on in your community to help people living below or barely above the poverty line. Get involved. Get to know your neighbors zip-code wide. My heart always bubbles over when people in my neighborhood get behind a family in need. Our hood is like a United Nations that includes real people too. Yes we have Congresswoman and we also have advocates like me, single moms, day laborers, new immigrants, fifth-generation and beyond, college students, clergy, CEOs—you name it. When s*** hits the fan over here, the neighborhood mobilizes. And along the way another group of neighbors plants flowers and plans BBQs for the whole area. So honor your values. If you're like me, they include viewing all people as equals and as your extended family members. When someone needs extra support, you throw your weight their way.

Latino youth—and all teens—need this now. So let's show them we value them.

Comments (0) | by Courtney on June 16

email to a friend | link to this article

I dated a guy for about 8 months. When he was over the sex, he basically dumped me. He never wanted to commit to being my boyfriend either, but was happy to hook up. He moved on like a week later to another woman and even tried to push me off on his friend. I thought he would never disrespect me like he did and that's why it hurts. ~Simone, 20

Rx: Of course it hurts. (Uh, that part about pushing you on his friend is particularly shady). I would feel bad in this scenario too—and have been there believe me! So give yourself space to work through feeling let down. If you can swing it to stay solo during this time that will probably give you even more clarity. Then try these steps:

No. 1: Think about what respect means to you. And that means thinking about your Respect Relationship Rules. Complete these sentences:
• Disrespectful behavior in a relationship includes...
• I show respect for my BF/GF by...
• Being in a relationship gives me...
• Some deal-breakers and boundaries for me are...
• Before I get naked:) with someone, I want...

You get the picture! And don't include the word "don't" in the list. Just stick to what you want.

No. 2: Make it all about you. Relationships aren't just about making it work with someone. It's about what you bring to the table too. So focus on you. Especially when you're recovering from a less-than-stellar relationship. Now write your big "wants." What kind of life are you going for here? What kind of woman do you want to be? What is the secret to your true fulfillment? Nothing is too big to make the list. Write at least 10 wants. Make it 20 if you want to get yourself really fired up.
• I want to...

No. 3: Take action one step at a time. Now pick at least one want, and write one action you can do in the next week to move it forward. Pick a new want each week and keep the threads going on the ones you've kick-started. Notice if you haven't been going after your big wants when you were dealing with Mr. Disrespect-o. It's so easy to get focused on someone else and not ourselves. The bottom line: Invest spending your time in doing positive things for yourself. Look at that "want" list and then put your energies into that stuff. It's OK if attracting Mr. "Respects Me Big Time" is on the list too. I hope he is!

The stronger and more self-respecting we get, the healthier our relationships get. The interesting—Self-RESPECTING—people will follow and fit into to our life where it makes sense. It's all about doing our THING so the world can be a better place because we are blossoming (in a good way!) one day at a time. And when it comes to adding more respect to your sex life, also check out these 7 questions. (They're written to girls but they can work for us too!)

Comments (0) | by Courtney on May 27

email to a friend | link to this article

In the wake of Jamie Lynn Spears' pregnancy and movies like "Juno," teen pregnancy almost seems trendy. Well it should at least be a hot topic: More than 750,000 teen girls are getting pregnant each year. And the Latino community—my community—currently has the highest teen pregnancy rate in the U.S. More than half of all Latina girls get pregnant at least once by age 20.

Many teens say they are concerned about pregnancy, but still think "it can't happen to me." Well before you roll the dice (and no judgment: we've been there fellow risk-takers) remember, sex without respect is always risky. That's why we've partnered with the The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy to promote May 7 as the National Day to Prevent Teen Pregnancy. Like Respect Rx, the project is centered around making informed choices, knowing your boundaries and respecting yourself.

For those who aren't ready to get a STD (not fun) or not ready to be moms or deal with the responsibility that comes with it, you deserve to be empowered to make choices that are right for you. Or if you've been taking risks out in the sexual scene and don't feel great about the outcomes, then do check out the quiz below to find out how you make choices about S-E-X. You'll also find TV ads made for teens, by teens to raise awareness on the issue (you can enter—the best ad wins $500!) It's all at StayTeen.org. Girl advocates: There are lots of tools on the site for you too.

And for the teen moms out there, we want you to know that you're not alone. You deserve support, resources and the chance to continue your own healthy development. My mom was a teen mom and she didn't really get that chance until way later in life. Fyi, teen mothers are less likely to complete school and more likely to be single parents. Just another reason to take care of you—before, during and after sex (and all the stuff that goes with it).

Comments (0) | by Courtney on May 7

email to a friend | link to this article

This headline is sure to drive search engine traffic from sketch types who are looking for porn. And that's exactly the trouble, according to a new report by the American Psychological Association (APA), which concludes that the proliferation of sexualized images of girls and young women in advertising, merchandising, and media is harmful to girls’ self-image and healthy development.

The APA Task Force on the Sexualization of Girls studied droves of research on the content and effects of media aimed toward girls. What they found has been one of the top concerns I've also heard among educators, girl advocates, parents and girls themselves: Girls are being way too sexualized by society. And their family and friends are marinating in this stuff, too, which only adds to the pressure.

Sexualization was defined by the task force as "when a person’s value comes only from her/his sexual appeal or behavior, to the exclusion of other characteristics, and when a person is sexually objectified, e.g., made into a thing for another’s sexual use."

The APA report nails, ahem, one of the reasons we wrote RESPECT in the first place: We were tired of "girl power" being packaged solely in a G-string slathered in baby oil. Girls need counterpoints to this culture to help them develop their real strengths and realize their true worth. They need to have a voice in this arena. And they need to be able to actually own their sexuality and boundaries in a way that doesn't dumb them down, silence them or make them feel like sex and their bodies are a battlefield where they'll always be the biggest loser.

Sexualization and objectification undermines a girl's confidence, makes her uncomfortable in her own skin, and leads to emotional and self-image problems, such as shame and anxiety, the APA report goes on to say. The APA also reports that research links sexualization with three of the most common mental health problems diagnosed in girls and women: eating disorders, low self-esteem, and depression or depressed mood.

Rx: The APA for one calls on parents and girl advocates to improve media literacy skills among girls and talk about the impact of all this sexy media. I agree. That's way we're doing this. It also says, bottom line, that we need to replace these images with ones showing girls in "positive settings—ones that show the uniqueness and competence of girls" and boys. (The APA's web site offers tips for parents--check them out.)

Now no one is saying that we girls can't enjoy our bodies or be stylish. The point of the study is that we are being hit from every angle with phony sex-tart images that actually interfere with our ability to love our bodies and have our own style and define our own sexuality. At worst, we start to act like the one-dimensional images we see and don't even know it. Or these images become girls' aspirations without question or analysis: I heard last week from a group of teens that girls are starting to go out for cheerleading solely as a training camp to help them become future strippers.

Are you so over this? Here's what girls can do right now to stop feeling the pressure to be sex objects:

No. 1: Be picky and be vocal. Girls do constantly complain to me about the pressure put on them by the media to be skinny, sexy, rich and someone else's girl. So girls, for starters, don't stand back soaking in media you think harms you and other girls. See RESPECT, Chapter 4: Your Media for activities and actions you can take to take back the media. When flipping through mags or the channels, talk with your friends about what you don't like. Pick a part what you see and be on the look out for stereotypes and disrespectful images. Ask yourself how you feel about how women and girls are being portrayed (or betrayed). Just talking about it will make your more aware of how it's affecting you. And next talk about how you want to change things--then take steps together. For example, you can all boycott a show that you're just SICK of or write letters to the editor and head-honchos when you don't like what you see. You can blast their blogs with your intelligent comments and calls for change.

No. 2: Start a new trend. What if we and our girlfriends decided NOT to spend all our free time reading celeb magazines, watching sexy reality TV or listening to music that makes it sound like all girls are hos? I know you'd probably feel totally out of the loop if you took this stand. But is this the loop you really want to be stuck in? All "sexy, brainless girls all the time"? If it seems too extreme, try it for a few weeks and spend your free time journaling a lot about your feelings, hopes and dreams instead (we call this a Media Fast in the book). Then see how you feel about yourself and let the results speak for themselves. I thought you'd have to pull the latest celeb weekly out of my cold, dead hand before I'd stop reading gossip rags. (Besides, I claimed, "It's research for my work."). Still, garbage in, garbage out--so I had to make a change. After canceling my subscriptions, I'm OK! I still manage to hear who Jessica Simpson is dating if I care (which I don't!). Instead, I'm spending my free time reading books I've been dying to get through and talking to you:) Another trick to curtail your toxic media consumption: Spend time with your friends empowering other girls like these girls do.

No. 3: Be a REAL model. We all want what I call REAL models. So girls, why don't you take on media and entertainment companies that sell girls down the sexy river? For starters, create MySpace and Facebook profiles that show the real you--not just staged sexpot photos that honestly all start to look alike on my Friends page. Create blogs, YouTube documentaries or magazines that show girls who stand out for more than their looks. Create products--and advertise them--in a way that you feel shows respects women and girls. Before you know it, you'll be stealing traffic and ratings from companies that do nothing but slap sexy wrappers on girls. Also, younger girls look up to you now. You can change the world simply in how you show up for them (as the real self-respecting you, right?).

No. 4: Boost your media immune system. The best way to not fall prey to any toxic media? Get to know the real you. Follow your passions. Speak your mind. Build your confidence by taking risks and succeeding--and trying again when you don't hit the mark. Build up and appreciate your real ASSets (mind, body and soul). Spend time figuring out for yourself what sex and being sexy means to you (try starting here.). In other words, learn and live by the Respect Basics.

SEE more TIPS here!

llustration by Catherine LePage © Free Spirit Publishing Inc. 2005

Comments (0) | by Courtney on May 13

email to a friend | link to this article

Reports about teens' sexual activity are getting press as usual. Some healthy news, some unhealthy trends, and--surprise--not so much in the way of Rx for teens or their advocates.

The top headline: Teens are shying away from risky sex

Dish: The Center for Disease Control reports that in 2005, 47 percent of high school students said they'd had sexual intercourse (about the same as last year) and 63 percent said they used condoms. In 1991, 54 percent they'd had sex and, 46 percent used condoms. So this seems to be good news: More teens are using condoms, right?

Reality check: Half of all new HIV infections in the United States still occur in people who are under 25-years-old. And teenagers who take "virginity pledges" are almost as likely to be infected with a sexually transmitted disease as those who never made the pledge, according to an 8-year study by researchers from Yale and Columbia universities that tracked 20,000 youth. (Could it be that "vaginal virgins" are contracting these STDs through unprotected oral sex? 1/2 of teens are having oral sex according to the U.S. National Center for Health Statistics.)

Oh, and British researchers found that teens might be using condoms but many don't know how to use them correctly (putting it on or taking it off while in the act, so to speak). And file this next one under, Cause for Concern. The same researchers who reported about virginity pledges, this week released another news alert: Some teens (3.5% out of 13,000--boys and girls) also say they have exchanged sex for money or drugs.

Rx: Teens (ALL OF US) need comprehensive information, support and services to make healthy choices about sex--period. And it needs to cover more than the ins and outs (sorry!) of birth control and STDs (though that's a must). Teens tell me they need help learning how to communicate about everything in the sex-hook-up-osphere with their partners (before, during and after). They also struggle what to do when sexual experiences don't feel right, they are let down or hurt, or they feel guilty--most of the time because they can't be honest with their parents about what's going down (sorry!).

BIG PICTURE: Sex without respect is always risky. Let's focus on helping young women (and men!) build more internal resources and self-respect from the get-go. Let's be honest with them about what we know, and how to find creditable information when they need to make important decisions. Let's show them how we make decisions that show how much we respect and care about ourselves. And let's believe in them that they can make healthy choices based on *their* values (not ours). And then let's be there--to listen--when they need us. Because most teens say they just really want to be able to be open about this stuff.

MORE INFO
Sex: The 7 Questions

Help!

Creating healthy teens and families by encouraging RESPECT

AUDIO
Helping girls and women reach their potential: Respect and Sex Ed (MP3)

Making healthy choices and teen trends (MP3)

Teens and sexual choices (Real Audio)

Comments (0) | by Courtney on August 11

email to a friend | link to this article

Teens who listened to lots of super-sex beats were twice as likely to jump into the hook-up pool sooner in life compared those who listened to little or no sexually explicit music, according to a new study by Rand Corp. published in the August issue of Pediatrics.

Rx: Didn't our grandparents blame Elvis for inciting teen "hanky panky" too? True for many kids, media and entertainment is like a third parent (or primary caretaker for some). It's influential as this latest report aims to prove. And the potrayal of how sex goes down in any form of media does set up expectations for teens.

But what drives any of us to take the plunge into sexual activity as teens is a bit stronger than what's playing on the car radio while we're getting steamy in the backseat. If only making self-respecting choices about sex (and everything in between) was as simple as changing our favorite soundtrack. Teens are more complex than that--aren't we all?

Before we scour teens' iPods for all the answers about their sexual feelings, beliefs or choices, let's start by offering them The 7 Questions. Their answers will help them make the real sex-respect connection (and it's no doubt a more personal decision than picking songs for their playlists).

Do you think the music teens listen to prompts sexual behavior? Post a comment and enter to WIN a free copy of RESPECT!

Comments (0) | by Courtney on August 7

email to a friend | link to this article

Sexually experienced teens with higher levels of depressive symptoms are more likely to engage in risky sexual behavior, a new University of California, San Francisco study shows.

Rx: The study's lead author Dr. Jocelyn A. Lehrer told Reuters Health, and I agree, that: "The study findings underscore that it is important for parents to be familiar with signs of depression among adolescent boys and girls. In addition to providing strong and consistent emotional support to their teens, it is important for parents to encourage and actively support their teens in seeking mental health care when needed."

We know that when we are hurting or struggling, the self-respect boosting move is to get help (that's why it's Respect Basic No. 7). And when it comes to sex, having negative or not-so-fulfilling experiences also leads to depression: Girls can fall into major disrepsect spirals in the sexual arena when we are feeling down about ourselves, exploited, or like no one cares about us.

And the depression-sex connection made by the UCSF study is just another reason we need to offer teens well-rounded Sex Ed that covers:
• the mind-body-soul (not just will you or won't you)
• their options
• communication skills
• building internal resources and self-respect
• how to make healthy choices for YOU, based on your values and needs
• how to take responsibility for your health
• what to do when it doesn't feel right across the board and how to set new boundaries, get support, bounce back

Young adults (all of us?) need more holistic support when it comes to taking care of themselves and making decisions about sex (and everything before and after). This is especially critical when you consider that half of all new HIV infections in the United States occur in people under 25 years of age.

Here are some tools you can use when it comes to the depression-sex connection:

Dealing with Depression

Sex: The 7 Questions

Help! Mental Health

Comments (0) | by Courtney on July 12

email to a friend | link to this article

Chalk last week up to one of the most amazing experiences I've ever had! I was invited to La Crosse, Wisconsin by Options Clinic to speak to hundreds of health-care providers, teen educators, guidance counselors, parents and (of course) girls. The topic? How teens can make self-respecting decisions so they can REACH their potential in life. (And that is what this respect stuff is *really* all about!)

All of the events were organized by Options Clinic, a remarkable organization that provides boys, girls, women and men with information, resources and health care services like annual exams and pregnancy and STI (sexually-transmitted infections) testing. Options' name speaks for itself. Most of the time Options Clinic staff are out in the community educating people about their options and how to make healthy choices. And this valuable education is not just about dealing with sexual choices, but any choice.

So the Options team and I are so on the same page! And it was SO fulfilling to partner with Options to empower girls and women throughout their region, and during this month's national campaign to prevent teen pregnancy. (Scroll down to hear to my keynote speech at Options' annual meeting and my Wisconsin Public Radio interviews).

Options Clinic has been open for 34 years and it was really inspiring—an honor—to support its work. In Wisconsin, it's actually illegal for anyone under age 18 to have sex. So even getting into schools to talk about risk factors and how to make self-respecting choices is a major challenge. But Options still makes it happen because they want every person to have a happy, healthy, full life.

We tell girls that getting help is a Respect Basic. So I'm grateful that when they do have questions about relationships and sex that they have a place like Options to go to or call. Or when they do want to avoid unplanned pregnancies or STIs that they get to spend time with the knowledgeable, compassionate Options' nurse practitioners, who I was also honored to meet (some have been there almost 20 years!).

One of the high points of the trip was leading workshops for more than 100 high school and middle school girls. Options made the girls feel so special with gift bags, journals and good eats—and they even got an hour or two off school to come bask themselves in respect (no small feat to plan).

The girls and I talked about how disrespect creeps into our lives, but how true respect starts on the inside. I also heard devastating stories of the kinds of disrespect that girls everywhere are still going through—child abuse, sexual abuse, neglect, eating disorders, cutting (self—mutilation) and other hurtful scenarios that can hold people back for life.

These amazing girls were already fighting for respect in their lives. We talked about how they can keep respecting themselves and doing what's right for them no matter what (i.e. learning and living The 7 Respect Basics). Like believing that they all matter. Knowing they can lean on their sisters. Finding support when they need it. Boosting their respect quota every minute by doing things like: following their passions, trusting their gut, setting boundaries, and talking to themselves with respect.

Here is what one smart, beauteous 14-year-old had to say about the Options-sponsored workshop:

I was one of the girls at your Respect event in La Crosse. I just wanted to tell you that I think you are an amazing woman that made me look at a lot of things differently (for the better!). I'll be honest with you and say that I at first went to your event with my school's guidance counselors to get a free day off of school. As soon as I saw my surroundings, I knew that this was going to be something I wanted to know and listen to. With my experience with events like yours, there was always the beautiful model-like person pretty much saying, "You have to respect yourself, your body and mind." And it just didn't seem so "realistic" coming from someone like that. I saw that you were the author of this book and thought, "Wow, that woman is beautiful, inside and out. I can tell she respects herself including her environment and surroundings and now she's helping other girls to do the same, and that makes her beautiful." The fact that you were so laid back and honest made me comfortable in listening to things being said by you and my peers and it made me comfortable in realizing, life isn't perfect nor is anyone. Everyone has their flaws and that makes us what we are and gives us our own personalities. I just want to simply say thank-you for what you're doing for the female gender today and I hope your wise words, feelings, and outlooks get out to each and every person in the world.

Well if this is not a reason to get up in the morning and keep spreading respect, I don't know what is. The local TV news stations also interviewed girls and many said the whole day made them feel like they were not alone (mission accomplished!). For those of you who have donated books to girls in the past or who support girls in other ways—thank you (we are doing a real GOOD thing!).

You can also be a part of this social change partnership with Options Clinic. Like all nonprofits, they need fiscal support and they are also renovating their super old but well-loved and well-utilized space in order to serve more people. Please contribute whatever you can. We might only be able to talk the talk sometimes, but Options is walking the walk for us everyday. So if you're inclined, please give Options some legs: donate today!

Audio files and press from Options Clinic events
Keynote: Helping girls and women reach their potential (MP3)

Wisconsin Public Radio: Newsmaker interview (MP3)

Katherine Dunn show (WPR) interview: Teens and sexual choices (Real Audio)

La Crosse Tribune: Dealing with Prom Night Pressures

WANT to plan a Respect Day for teens? Click here!

Comments (0) | by Courtney on May 5

email to a friend | link to this article

Before you jump into the hook-up pool, ask yourself The 7 Questions (and know your answers by heart!):

1. What are your beliefs and values?
Your values are your code in life. Every person's code is different. Your code relates to your goals, upbringing, standards for you how you want to be treated, and what kind of person you want to be. So thinking about what sex means to you and how you want it to be a part of your life—or not—will help you decide your boundaries.

Like, what kind of relationship do you want to be in before you get intimate? Do you want to be at a certain point in your life before you have sex? What are your familial, cultural or spiritual values about sex and relationships? See pages 123 and 131 in RESPECT for more questions you can explore to get in touch with your beliefs and values about sex.

2. What are your boundaries?
You need to know your boundaries before you hook up with anyone in any way. Why? Because boundaries are not just about keeping people out, they're about letting people in. In relationships we use boundaries to let people know how we feel and how we want to be treated and what's OK with us (and what's so not OK!).

The other thing is: You need a foundation before you can safely test the limits of any activity. Like you wouldn’t be able to climb Mount Everest just because you went on your first hike last week, right? So before you get casual about sex—like many girls tell me they're doing these days and so did I before I made the respect connection—take it seriously first. You’re too valuable to treat yourself casually. You also need to know how you feel about the other forms of physical intimacy, such as kissing and touching. Even with more experience, you still might decide that casual sex (not being in a relationship with partners or one-night stands or group sex) is not right for you because it doesn’t build your self-respect but tears it down.

In the heat of the moment it can be hard to decide your boundaries or you can be swayed by pressure to do stuff you hadn't planned on doing. So think about what is appropriate for you when it comes to getting intimate *before* that day ever comes. What is safe, comfortable and doesn't go against your values?

Letting your boundaries be known can also help you avoid being pressured. If you let your BF/GF/crushes know your beliefs and values about sex, they'll know your boundaries from the get-go (and if they pressure you to do otherwise that's totally disrespectful). When you don't know your boundaries, you also might make choices that don't pass your gut checks, and that leave you feeling regretful or hurt. Knowing your boundaries also helps keep you safe. You'll always know where your line is and go at a pace that's right for you.

3. What do you know about your body?
Your body is where you live. Before you let someone into your space, get to know it yourself. Sex Ed. comes in all shapes and sizes. But having self-respect is all about educating yourself so you can make good choices. So get information from multiple, reliable sources about how your body works and what can happen if you become sexually active and what's the deal with all those feelings you might be having for the first time.

Here are some hints: Get involved with your health care. Read books and ask your parents (they do know this stuff!), big sister or doctor about your reproductive system (the stuff on the inside), genitalia (the stuff on the outside) and the sexual response cycle (those feelings and tingles all over). Check out Help! for more resources.

4. Do you know the risks?
Being sexually active comes with physical risks (e.g. you can get sexually transmitted diseases or you can get pregnant) and emotional ones (e.g. your self-worth or feelings can get hurt, you can feel vulnerable, you can have questions about your sexual identity and so on...). When it comes to the nuts-and-bolts, you need to know the facts, like:

• What are STDS and how can you prevent them? For instance, teens represent more than half of new HIV cases worldwide. And kids getting ghonorrea—in their throats—is on the rise due to unprotected oral sex (yikes!).

• What's your partner's status? Have you both been tested for all STDs? Have you both been treated if you were infected in the past? And do you know what to do to prevent contracting or spreading STDs that stay with you like HIV, HPV and herpes? (Don't know what those terms mean? Look 'em up...)

• How can you get pregnant and what's the deal with contraception? Did you know you can get pregnant on your period or if a guy pulls out or even if you use a condom or if you skip a birth control pill? You can also get free contraceptive advice and birth control from many clinics nationwide. Before you get physical, you need to know your options. And you need to have a talk with any partner about your mutual responsibilities and what you'll do if you get pregnant (this is a good time to check back in with your values and beliefs). Check out Help! to find more info about the risks.

5. Can you speak up and be honest?
Kissing can feel so nice. Being touched by a BF/GF can feel exciting. But intimacy and sex aren’t just about chemistry and turn-ons—they are forms of communication. That said, you also need to use words, too!

You have to be honest with yourself about what you expect. And you have to be honest with your partner. If you can't be honest about your boundaries, what you want, and what you need, then hold off. And if your relationship isn't loaded with trust, respect and admiration, put on the brakes. Because you and your partner need to be able to talk about EVERYTHING, like: your feelings, beliefs, values, boundaries, needs, health, STD status, and how you will share responsibility when it comes to risk factors (for starters!). Like you need to be able to:
• say "no" and be heard.
• say "stop" and be heard.
• be honest about your feelings (and what you're feeling on the physical front).
• set boundaries without feeling like you need to apologize for what you want or make it seem like it’s only a suggestion.
• communicate your feelings or ask for what you need without having to giggle, smile or avoid eye contact when you're talking.

(Hmmm…these basics apply to any relationship, actually!)

So you can see, when it comes to sex, you just can't let your body do all the talking. And if you have to lie—to yourself, people you really care about (like your parents) or to your partner—about your sexual activity or what feels right (or wrong) then it's time for a gut check about your choices. Remember, it's never to late to slow down until you think about it more.

6. Are you being pressured?
I mean is everybody really doing it? And if they are, what's that got to do with Ms. You and your fabulously self-respecting boundaries? Nothing. If you are pressured to do anything you don't want to do—and you've made that clear—the people who are pushing are not being good friends to you. Period. Same goes for sex.

When you have doubts, listen to your gut and speak up. Because healthy relationships are based on mutual admiration, trust, honest communication and respect. If you’ve been honest about your feelings, then no one should hound you for sex or set deadlines for you.

Don’t feel like you have to promise to be ready by some date on a calendar, like the prom or a school holiday. You don't have to follow the examples you see in the media either (like people cementing their relationships by doing it). And when you say no to sexual intercourse, don't feel like you have to give a "consolation prize" by getting physical in some other way. (See RESPECT for tons of sample boundaries you can use!).

Someone who deserves your trust, respect, and love won't want to have sex with you if it's not what you want. Always put your self-respect first: you are your partner for life.

7. Are you emotionally ready?
Just because your body feels ready to go, are your heart and head ready too? Many girls and young women say that their first sexual experiences sucked real bad and led to a lot of heartache later on. (And I can second that emotion.) If you’re not ready—or have sex for the wrong reasons such as being pressured—you can get caught in disrespect loop that leads to repeat unsatisfying hook-ups and low self-respect.

To know if you're emotionally ready, check back in with those Respect Basics. How much do you respect yourself? Are your relationships—with friends, family, BF/GFs—booming with respect? Do you totally value and trust yourself? Where are you getting your ideas about sex? Hopefully not from movies or TV in which life on the screen is not like the real thing.

Being emotionally ready for something as big as sex, will take some time. Everyone learns and matures and different rates, and sex definately doesn't speed up the process.

And what if it doesn't feel right? The basics come in here too. Sometimes girls have sex and afterwards feel a mix of negative emotions. Like let's say you had am empty-feeling sexual experience and now you label yourself something mean, like "I'm a slut." This is a sign you need some support, to set new boundaries, and to invest in your self-respect before you get back out there.

Think about questions like: Are you getting physical to find love? Do you want to be accepted? Are you starving for attention? Has something happened in the past that is leading to this disrespectful behavior now? How did you feel before you had sex? Or what feeling were you maybe trying to cover up/relieve?

Even if your self-respect and relationship are going strong, some girls want to wait to venture into sexual territory because they have amazing goals they don't want sidetracked by getting pregnant, for example. Others just want to have fun with their friends and build their self-respect without dealing with answering *all* these questions right now.

You might be inexperienced but you're smart beyond imagination. So when in doubt, always do what you know is right for you (when it comes to everything!).

More Info >
Chapter 9 in RESPECT is really juicy and covers everything about the sex-respect connection. It's 20 pages because this is a HUGE topic. I hope you'll read it from cover-to-cover because anything in the sex-o-sphere (from intercourse to oral sex to touching to making out to major snuggling) *without* respect is always risky.

Help!

Adapted from Respect: A Girl’s Guide to Getting Respect and Dealing When Your Line Is Crossed by Courtney Macavinta and Andrea Vander Pluym © 2005. Used with permission of Free Spirit Publishing Inc., Minneapolis, MN; 1-866-703-7322; www.freespirit.com. All rights reserved.

Comments (0) | by Courtney on May 3

email to a friend | link to this article

Are unsupervised teens more likely to have sex right after school?

Not exactly, says a new study by Indiana University School of Medicine Adolescent Medicine researchers. Teen girls reported they were twice as likely to have sex in the evenings as after school. That said, the study followed just 106 girls between the ages of 14 and 18.

Other research by the National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy shows that teens do in fact like to hook up when their parents are still at work. Around 30% said their first sexual experience occurred during school hours or between the hours of 3 p.m. and 5 p.m. Most have sex in their home or at a friend's house.

So, what's the respect connection? This is just another reason to reinvest in after-school programs. And another reason to keep revealing for kids the real benefits of getting the most out of school (i.e. not cutting class). Besides learning, I'm big on talking to girls about using school as space to learn how to: be in charge of themselves, negotiate, and set and achieve goals.

Teens who are involved in after-school programs are often too busy to get busy after school. And when girls are involved in activities that show them how to set and achieve goals, lead, build sisterhood, and increase their confidence, all those skills will come into play to when it comes to making self-respecting choices about sex (ah ha moment!).

Girls, check out Help! for some great respect-boosting after-school programs in your area.

Parents, tons of studies and a new book are proving that you do have a major influence over whether or not your kids will become sexually active at a young age or before they're ready. Need some help starting the conversation? Talk them about The 7 Questions.

Comments (0) | by Courtney on March 5

email to a friend | link to this article

My boyfriend and I have been going out for six months and he says he loves me and wants to have sex. How do I know if I'm really ready?

Rx: The answer is different for everyone. But I do know that deciding whether or not to be sexually active is not just a question of will you or won't you? Actually, I think there are at least 7 Questions you should ask yourself (for starters!). And not just the first time, but every time you consider getting intimate, physical or letting someone near your most sacred space (body and mind and heart—a.k.a. You!).

Chapter 9 in RESPECT is really juicy and covers everything about the sex-respect connection. It's 20 pages because this is a HUGE topic. I hope you'll read it from cover-to-cover because anything in the sex-o-sphere (from intercourse to oral sex to touching to making out to major snuggling) *without* respect is always risky.

The thing is, being "ready" for sex is really not about sex at all. Making sexual choices—like all choices—comes down to having The 7 Respect Basics down. It's about:
…knowing yourself (super well) inside and out.
…loving yourself.
…trusting your gut.
…being comfortable with yourself and in your skin.
…knowing and sticking to your boundaries and values.
…feeling confident to speak up about what you need and want.
…being truthful about your feelings.
…knowing how create mutually respectful relationships.
…getting support and good info to help you make smart decisions.

Sounds like a lot more than jumping under the covers or diving into the hook-up pool, doesn't it? If you can remember two things before you run out and read the RESPECT Sex chapter:), remember this:
• Whether you're going to have sex or kiss or anything in between is always a choice—your choice.
• Sex is always connected to respect.

Even still, a lot of us girls and women have sex for reasons or due to circumstances that just don't add up to respect. So before you even think about going there (again, not just the first time but every time), start by asking yourself The 7 Questions:

1. What are your beliefs and values?
Your values are your code in life. Every person's code is different. Your code relates to your goals, upbringing, standards for you how you want to be treated, and what kind of person you want to be. So thinking about what sex means to you and how you want it to be a part of your life—or not—will help you decide your boundaries.

Like, what kind of relationship do you want to be in before you get intimate? Do you want to be at a certain point in your life before you have sex? What are your familial, cultural or spiritual values about sex and relationships? See pages 123 and 131 in RESPECT for more questions you can explore to get in touch with your beliefs and values about sex.

"Too many sexual things happen in spur of the moment. I want to be really good friends with the person, to be committed and I would want my parents to know that I was in a relationship with him/her. Overall trust is important," Phoebe, 15.

2. What are your boundaries?
You need to know your boundaries before you hook up with anyone in any way. Why? Because boundaries are not just about keeping people out, they're about letting people in. In relationships we use boundaries to let people know how we feel and how we want to be treated and what's OK with us (and what's so not OK!).

The other thing is: You need a foundation before you can safely test the limits of any activity. Like you wouldn’t be able to climb Mount Everest just because you went on your first hike last week, right? So before you get casual about sex—like many girls tell me they're doing these days and so did I before I made the respect connection—take it seriously first. You’re too valuable to treat yourself casually. You also need to know how you feel about the other forms of physical intimacy, such as kissing and touching. Even with more experience, you still might decide that casual sex (not being in a relationship with partners or one-night stands or group sex) is not right for you because it doesn’t build your self-respect but tears it down.

In the heat of the moment it can be hard to decide your boundaries or you can be swayed by pressure to do stuff you hadn't planned on doing. So think about what is appropriate for you when it comes to getting intimate *before* that day ever comes. What is safe, comfortable and doesn't go against your values?

Letting your boundaries be known can also help you avoid being pressured. If you let your BF/GF/crushes know your beliefs and values about sex, they'll know your boundaries from the get-go (and if they pressure you to do otherwise that's totally disrespectful). When you don't know your boundaries, you also might make choices that don't pass your gut checks, and that leave you feeling regretful or hurt. Knowing your boundaries also helps keep you safe. You'll always know where your line is and go at a pace that's right for you.

"More and more girls are thinking of sex casually—the downside is that aren’t always respecting their bodies or acknowledging that sex is a bond or a connection that’s intimate. So they feel like something is missing and it is," Jasmine, 16.

3. What do you know about your body?
Your body is where you live. Before you let someone into your space, get to know it yourself. Sex Ed. comes in all shapes and sizes. But having self-respect is all about educating yourself so you can make good choices. So get information from multiple, reliable sources about how your body works and what can happen if you become sexually active and what's the deal with all those feelings you might be having for the first time.

Here are some hints: Get involved with your health care. Read books and ask your parents (they do know this stuff!), big sister or doctor about your reproductive system (the stuff on the inside), genitalia (the stuff on the outside) and the sexual response cycle (those feelings and tingles all over). Check out Help! for more resources.

4. Do you know the risks?
Being sexually active comes with physical risks (e.g. you can get sexually transmitted diseases or you can get pregnant) and emotional ones (e.g. your self-worth or feelings can get hurt, you can feel vulnerable, you can have questions about your sexual identity and so on...). When it comes to the nuts-and-bolts, you need to know the facts, like:

• What are STDS and how can you prevent them? For instance, teens represent more than half of new HIV cases worldwide. And kids getting ghonorrea—in their throats—is on the rise due to unprotected oral sex (yikes!).

• What's your partner's status? Have you both been tested for all STDs? Have you both been treated if you were infected in the past? And do you know what to do to prevent contracting or spreading STDs that stay with you like HIV, HPV and herpes? (Don't know what those terms mean? Look 'em up...)

• How can you get pregnant and what's the deal with contraception? Did you know you can get pregnant on your period or if a guy pulls out or even if you use a condom or if you skip a birth control pill? You can also get free contraceptive advice and birth control from many clinics nationwide. Before you get physical, you need to know your options. And you need to have a talk with any partner about your mutual responsibilities and what you'll do if you get pregnant (this is a good time to check back in with your values and beliefs). Check out Help! to find more info about the risks.

"When I had unprotected sex I feel like I disrespected myself because I wasn’t taking care of myself," Katy, 14.

5. Can you speak up and be honest?
Kissing can feel so nice. Being touched by a BF/GF can feel exciting. But intimacy and sex aren’t just about chemistry and turn-ons—they are forms of communication. That said, you also need to use words, too!

You have to be honest with yourself about what you expect. And you have to be honest with your partner. If you can't be honest about your boundaries, what you want, and what you need, then hold off. And if your relationship isn't loaded with trust, respect and admiration, put on the brakes. Because you and your partner need to be able to talk about EVERYTHING, like: your feelings, beliefs, values, boundaries, needs, health, STD status, and how you will share responsibility when it comes to risk factors (for starters!). Like you need to be able to:
• say "no" and be heard.
• say "stop" and be heard.
• be honest about your feelings (and what you're feeling on the physical front).
• set boundaries without feeling like you need to apologize for what you want or make it seem like it’s only a suggestion.
• communicate your feelings or ask for what you need without having to giggle, smile or avoid eye contact when you're talking.

(Hmmm…these basics apply to any relationship, actually!)

So you can see, when it comes to sex, you just can't let your body do all the talking. And if you have to lie—to yourself, people you really care about (like your parents) or to your partner—about your sexual activity or what feels right (or wrong) then it's time for a gut check about your choices. Remember, it's never to late to slow down until you think about it more.

"You should be able to not have sex but still be able to care about each other strongly and talk about everything!" Sarah, 15.

6. Are you being pressured?
I mean is everybody really doing it? And if they are, what's that got to do with Ms. You and your fabulously self-respecting boundaries? Nothing. If you are pressured to do anything you don't want to do—and you've made that clear—the people who are pushing are not being good friends to you. Period. Same goes for sex.

When you have doubts, listen to gut and speak up. Because healthy relationships are based on mutual admiration, trust, honest communication and respect. If you’ve been honest about your feelings, then no one should hound you for sex or set deadlines for you.

Don’t feel like you have to promise to be ready by some date on a calendar, like the prom or a school holiday. You don't have to follow the examples you see in the media either (like people cementing their relationships by doing it). And when you say no to sexual intercourse, don't feel like you have to give a "consolation prize" by getting physical in some other way. (See RESPECT for tons of sample boundaries you can use!).

Someone who deserves your trust, respect, and love won't want to have sex with you if it's not what you want. Always put your self-respect first: you are your partner for life.

"In many groups at school, it’s the norm to have sex and if you don't it’s considered a 'bad' relationship. People treat it like it’s nothing special or amazing," Brooke, 15.

7. Are you emotionally ready?
Just because your body feels ready to go, are your heart and head ready too? Many girls and young women say that their first sexual experiences sucked real bad and led to a lot of heartache later on. (And I can second that emotion.) If you’re not ready—or have sex for the wrong reasons such as being pressured—you can get caught in disrespect loop that leads to repeat unsatisfying hook-ups and low self-respect.

To know if you're emotionally ready, check back in with those Respect Basics. How much do you respect yourself? Are your relationships—with friends, family, BF/GFs—booming with respect? Do you totally value and trust yourself? Where are you getting your ideas about sex? Hopefully not from movies or TV in which life on the screen is not like the real thing.

Being emotionally ready for something as big as sex, will take some time. Everyone learns and matures and different rates, and sex definately doesn't speed up the process.

And what if it doesn't feel right? The basics come in here too. Sometimes girls have sex and afterwards feel a mix of negative emotions. Like let's say you had am empty-feeling sexual experience and now you label yourself something mean, like "I'm a slut." This is a sign you need some support, to set new boundaries, and to invest in your self-respect before you get back out there.

Think about questions like: Are you getting physical to find love? Do you want to be accepted? Are you starving for attention? Has something happened in the past that is leading to this disrespectful behavior now? How did you feel before you had sex? Or what feeling were you maybe trying to cover up/relieve?

Even if your self-respect and relationship are going strong, some girls want to wait to venture into sexual territory because they have amazing goals they don't want sidetracked by getting pregnant, for example. Others just want to have fun with their friends and build their self-respect without dealing with answering *all* these questions right now.

You might be inexperienced but you're smart beyond imagination. So when in doubt, always do what you know is right for you (when it comes to everything!).

The final word? If you're not ready and willing to explore The 7 Questions, or to make The 7 Respect Basics a part of your life and choices, then I guess I do have a simple answer for you after all. Are you ready to have sex? Not yet…

More Info >
Help!

Adapted from Respect: A Girl’s Guide to Getting Respect and Dealing When Your Line Is Crossed by Courtney Macavinta and Andrea Vander Pluym © 2005. Used with permission of Free Spirit Publishing Inc., Minneapolis, MN; 1-866-703-7322; www.freespirit.com. All rights reserved.

Comments (0) | by Courtney on March 3

email to a friend | link to this article

ORGS + WEB SITES
American Social Health Association (ASHA)
www.ashastd.org
Provides clear instructions for how to use both female and male condoms, and facts about STDs. Recommended by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC).

Out Proud
www.outproud.org
The Web site for the National Coalition for Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual & Transgender Youth has everything you need to explore, gain confidence in, and build respect for your sexual identity. Includes a comprehensive, searchable reading list.

Planned Parenthood Federation of America (PPFA)
800-230-7526
www.plannedparenthood.org
Nationwide, PPFA provides comprehensive reproductive and complementary health care services in settings that preserve and protect the privacy and rights of girls. You can call the 800 number to ask questions or schedule an appointment with a clinic near you. Their Web site offers reliable information about sex, pregnancy, and more.

Scarleteen
www.scarleteen.com
Offers big-sister advice on relationships, sexuality, sexual intimacy, building trust, communicating, and strategies for appreciating your body.

Sex, Etc.
www.sxetc.org
The name pretty much says it all. Written by teens for teens (and sponsored by Rutgers University) this site provides practical sex info and covers many other topics, including relationships, emotional health, and abuse. Check out "The Roadmap: A Teen Guide to Changing Your School's Sex Ed."

Sexuality Information & Education Council of the United States (SIECUS)
212-819-9770
www.siecus.org
A diverse clearinghouse for information about sexuality education, sexual health, and sexual rights programs.

Teen Wire
www.teenwire.com
Offers great advice on family matters, friendships, relationships, and sexual choices and health. Sponsored by Planned Parenthood Federation of America.

When Love Hurts
www.dvirc.org.au/whenlove/index.htm
A teen girl's online guide to creating respectful romantic relationships. Includes true stories, abuse and respect checklists, and advice on how to break up.

BOOKS
Changing Bodies, Changing Lives: A Book for Teens on Sex and Relationships
by Ruth Bell
Written by the authors of the classic book that your mom probably read, Our Bodies, Ourselves, this book thoroughly covers relationships, sex, and sexuality—the emotional and physical issues and risks.

The Teen Survival Guide To Dating & Relating: Real-World Advice on Guys, Girls, Growing Up, and Getting Along
by Annie Fox
How to know if you're ready to date and how to deal with all the related dating dilemmas.

GLBTQ: The Survival Guide for Queer and Questioning Teens
by Kelly Huegel
Advice, true stories, and resources for exploring gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender relationships, dating, and more.

The Go Ask Alice Book of Answers: A Guide to Good Physical, Sexual, and Emotional Health
by Columbia University's Health Education Program
Based on the popular Web site by the same name, get answers to questions about your body, sex, and emotional well-being.

The Real Truth About Teens and Sex
by Sabrina Weill
A top editor at major teen magazines for more than a decade, Sabrina has earned the trust of millions of teens across the country. Through thousands of letters, e-mails, and interviews, and now in an exclusive nationwide survey, teens have confided in her, voicing their questions, fears, and concerns-and providing front-line reports on what really goes on at parties, at school, before parents get home from work, online, and elsewhere.

Slut! Growing Up Female with a Bad Reputation
by Leora Tanenbaum
Get behind the real meaning of how girls and others are using the word "slut"—and what to do about it.

Look It Up: Web Search Terms
"teen relationships" + advice
"safe sex"
sex + education + teens + .org
teen + sexuality + .org

Comments (0) | by Courtney on December 29

email to a friend | link to this article