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The media and parents alike have, ugh, caught on to the fact that teens are hanging out (and often letting it all hang out) on community sites like MySpace.

Rx: For the parents out there, honestly, MySpace is really nothing new. The same way teens use chat rooms, IM, email groups or message boards, they congregate on MS to talk and make new friends. This used to be called: AOL. I actually have my own space on MySpace (even my BFF from second grade found me on MS!). So MySpace does offer what sites like Classmates, don’t—a *free* casual place to host your public blog/diary, stay in touch with friends and, if you're in a band, to promote your latest CD to fans.

Teens say they like MySpace because it's raw and undercover—in the technical sense. They can tweak their pages by swapping secret html tips. And there's not a major polished, commercial wrapper around "their space" (though that's changing everyday). But a MS profile is no different than the other blank canvases they personalize—from their worn metal locker doors to bedroom walls and binder covers. And, let's face it, until about two months ago most parents had no clue about MySpace (so hot). If MS loses its cache with teens (as some are predicting) those heading to college will no doubt relocate their digital dorm rooms to places like Facebook.

Still it's true that it's really easy on MySpace (and other sites like it) to get caught up in disrespect dilemmas. Girls especially want to get ranked "hot" and put up racy photos that can help them stand out. Like they do elsewhere online, sexual predators are trolling MS to meet and harm minors. And like they do elsewhere, some teens are using MS to harass each other. Like spreading rumors in their blogs or posting nasty comments on each other's pages.

So here's some advice for teens and parents when it comes to navigating the wild world of social networking sites:

TEENS, if I were you, here's what I would do to have fun on MS without losing your self-respect:

Honor thy-fabulous-self. If you respect yourself you don't degraded yourself or sell yourself cheap for attention. So think about not putting anything on MS that you don't want to haunt you. You will make your mark in life, but how do you want to do it? Do you want to carry yourself like someone who will be written about in the noble history books someday, or someone who will be ridiculed on E! Hollywood True Story?

Here's the deal: If you wouldn't walk around school topless, maybe you shouldn't go full frontal or bare all on the Internet. If you wouldn't talk like a foul-mouthed sailor in the flesh, maybe you should use some restraint online. And if you want people to like you for you (even though you might still be figuring out who that is) don't front on MS like you're a porn star, criminal or pimp. Even if you're just playing, that disrespectful representation of the one-and-only-you is connected to your name and picture. Once this stuff is online, it can stick around (and to you) 4-EVER!

Protect your ID. OK, so while I want you to always be yourself, please don't expose yourself on the Net—in some cases you should be mysterious. This means, keep your lips sealed about your home address, phone number, and other details that could help creepy and dangerous people track you down in person. Think about setting your privacy settings to only allow people who you REALLY know to contact you on MS or make it so you have to approve new Friends.

Don't cross the line. If you've got a beef with a friend or someone from school, be real and talk to them about it in person (try this). Don't take up your issue or feud on your MS profile, or by bashing people in comments on their profile. It only increases the drama, makes it hard to take back when you cool off. And threatening people online—it's documented!—ups your chances of getting busted for crossing a line (remember, parents, teachers and cops can read MS, too!) If you want your parents (a.k.a. your Internet service providers) to trust you online, let them know that you read MS's safety tips and won't abuse the system (Umm, I think this proactive effort on your part will impress them—I mean if you can handle the Internet, what about that driver's license test?)

PARENTS, I don't blame you for being a bit freaked by sites like MS (and the thought of your kid being exposed in disrespectful ways). Here are some tips for giving your kids their space, while keeping them safe:

Get a tour. Check out MS FAQ for parents. Then ask your kids to give you a tour of MySpace so you know how it works and how they're using it. If they actually agree to show you around, then I suggest being super cool and not viewing their personal MS profile without permission or searching for it behind their backs (which could feel to them like reading their journal). If they let you see their profile, they are including you in their life (like that Net access you provide them, it's quite the privilege so appreciate it!).

Set some boundaries. Talk to them about respecting other people and your policy for how they should behave online—after all you pay the ISP bill. Go over some general safety tips (check out wiredsafety.org). If they break the rules, let them know what will happen (just like you'd do if they abused your car or home.). I talk to teens non-stop and they admit that when their parents set boundaries, deep down they do feel cared about (even if at the same time they are PO'd about the limits.) Also talk with them about how to resolve conflicts honestly and in-person (vs. blowing up anonymously online)—this is a skill they need in general.

Build the trust, explain choices. I guess you can add MS to the 1 million other ways your kid can make or break your trust, right? Think about how respectful the communication is under your roof right now. Have you set the stage for them to respect your computer-usage rules? You could also put some parental tech controls in place if you're super concerned, like software that blocks them from giving out their home address. However, where there's a will there's a way and they will get around these blocks (I live at too ate won fore mane streat) or they can always access MS from a friend's house. So try building overall (mutual respect). Show them how respectful negotiation works and how to make smart choices (Like what kinds of pics would it be OK for them to post on MS? What should they consider before they post something? Should they let strangers add them as "friends" or only people they know?) The bottom line: If your kid has proven they can be trusted, apply the same parental-sniff-tests to MS.

Encourage face-time. It's not OK to do any one thing 24/7 (except breathe!). So encourage your kids to have an offline social life so they can have more balance, more fun, and know what it's like to be liked for more than their snappy MySpace profile. Seeing friends in person is a good thing. A life where the only laughter comes in the form of "LOL" and causes RSI by age 18 is a bad thing. If you don't like how your kids are spending their time online, expose them to offline activities like volunteering, travel, political action, or after-school orgs that build skills and self-respect.

Trust your gut. My young friends will hate me for saying this, but consider putting your home computer in your space. Don't worry, kids still know how to engineer some privacy (POS=parent over shoulder). But if they are being harassed, pursued by a creep, or touching up a nude photo of themselves, well, you'll catch a glimpse of what's happening. Ask your kids to come to you whenever they feel threatened—including online. Let them know that you're not going to freak out or cause a scene but that you want them to feel safe and that you're on their side. If you think something abusive or illegal is going down, talk to them about it and report it to MS, your ISP and the cops.

Comments (0) | by Courtney on October 10

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Ah, prom night. Nothing has changed since I was a teen except, uh, that now there's not just Seventeen and Teen prom issues—there are tons of entire magazines and Web sites devoted just to the big dance. And now the cost of some dresses could buy you a car or a semester at college. And the parties? Can you say "Cancun Spring Break" preview?

So how can you be yourself, not buckle under the pressure to spend boatloads of money AND make self-respecting choices after prom when the real party begins?

First, a confession: I went to four proms during my high school career. I think I spent more time thinking about prom, angling for dates for prom, working to save money to buy stuff for prom (my parents were po'), and getting ready for prom than I actually did studying. For real. I spent so much time planning and primping just so I couldn't (umm…) look like, act like, and have fun being, well, the real me.

Like I spent hours:
…putting on Lee Press-Ons.
…getting a perm for one prom (after BEGGING my mom) because my hair was naturally straight.
…finding the perfect dress to stand out and look better than everyone else.
…binge dieting and exercising to lose weight before prom.
…doing my makeup.
…waiting in line to get my photo taken.
…crying when the photo didn't look perfect.
…worrying about whether I would get pressured into a thing or two after prom.
…doing that thing or two and regretting until it I was at least 25.

Time spent having fun at prom: ZERO (honestly)

OK, but I want the girls of the world to have fun at prom (and every other day of your life). To dance in a circle like you do at the regular school dances with big smiles on your faces and not caring who's looking at you. To not spend your college fund or lose your self-respect to impress at prom.

Self-respect is all about being yourself, at all times, period. Prom presents some challenges to the repect-o-sphere, though. That's why I don't want you to follow my lead from back in the day. Instead follow these do's and don'ts:

DO take action and get involved in planning the event so it's a fun-respect-filled night for all (including affordable, safe, funky, and inclusive!)

DO be yourself.

DO go as yourself just glammed up (if you like) but not made over or in disguise.

DO have fun.

DO create great memories w. your friends not empty celeb red-carpet photo ops.

DO treat your body with respect. Don't starve, abuse, poison or put you in harm's way for prom. (It's supposed to be fun not a war zone!!).

DON'T go if you don't feel like it.

DON'T feel like you need a date—you can go with your girls.

DON'T spend more time or money getting ready than you will actually spend dancing, laughing, or feeling fabulous!

DO dance.

DO have a plan for after-prom parties so you can stick to your boundaries. Use the buddy system so you don't get stuck somewhere or with someone scary.

DO take fun camera-phone pics or Poloroids. If you like, skip the long line, cheesy backdrops, stiff smile and hefty price-tag for the professional prom photos.

DON'T lie to your parents about your prom doings and risk losing other privileges that you value more than one little night like graduation/grad night, summer fun or their trust and respect.

DON'T feel like you need to hook up with anyone. If you're not ready for kissing or having sex—or anything in between—with your date: don't. And let him/her know it ain't happening ahead of time. If that's his/her requirement for a date, tell him/her to email me for some schoolin! Or just say: "It's a dance, not an arranged marriage." Remember, when it comes to sex/hooking up, check out The 7 Questions so you can always put you and your self-respect first.

DON'T measure your worth based on your prom get-up/plan. Your are so amazing, talented, and have so much in store for yourself—can one dance really define you? Only if it's the happy dance you do every morning of your life because you're Ms. You!

DO be aware of what could be driving your prom fantasies. Kate Pavao, senior editor at one of my favorite sister sites, Common Sense, has this to say about prom media madness:

Talk about a mixed message: The April edition of Teen Vogue features a big article on out-of-control proms, which blames the media—specifically movies—for the increased pressure on teens to buy expensive dresses, snag hot dates, have extravagant after-parties, and make prom night the best night of their lives.

Of course this article is just part of the magazine’s prom package, set among pages of prom dresses—one of which costs over $400—and even an article about getting skin in perfect dance-night condition, starting a month ahead of time.

True, there are dresses at lower price points, and the magazine does show girls bargain shopping or going vintage. But teen magazines’ prom packages make it obvious that it’s not just the movies building the prom pressure, setting up the big night to be a big disappointment—and a big expense.

Now we're not saying to boycott prom and every magazine spread that comes with it. Instead, filter your media so you aren't manipulated into disrespecting yourself by not being yourself. Common Sense says to ask yourself (or your daughter) these questions. Time to break out your journal:

• Is prom an important enough event to warrant so many magazine pages? What do these packages do to your expectations for the night? Do you think the reality can ever live up to the fantasy that magazines present?

• How do you feel about yourself after seeing teens model glamorous prom dresses and fancy hair styles? Do you notice yourself thinking about your own body or looks more after reading these packages? Does it leave you wanting to spend more money on makeup and accessories to make the night perfect? (This might be a good time to talk about how magazine models have stylists -- and are airbrushed, too.)

• If you were editing a teen magazine, and putting together a prom package, what, if anything, would you do differently? If an editor was really concerned about out-of-control proms, is it enough to write an article about it, or would you feature some other content?

• What do magazines have to gain by promoting lots of prom-related products? Can you find any crossovers between products that are mentioned in editorial and those that are in the advertisements?

• Thinking beyond magazines, what are some other ways that we build up prom in our culture? Do you think children's fairy tales like Cinderella, or even more modern princesses, like Dora the Explorer, are also responsible for building expectations? What are some other ways girls are encouraged to fantasize about being the belle of the ball?

(Parents for more help dealing with prom, check out another fave sister site, Daughters.org for some tips.)

More Info >
RESPECT Chapter 4: Your Media IQ

What's your plan for prom? How will you keep the respect booming? OR tell us your past prom horror story and what you would do differently now. First five commenters WIN a free RESPECT baby-T.

Comments (0) | by Courtney on April 25

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