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Alcohol and drugs at a teenage house party? About 80% of parents surveyed by Columbia University say it's not so. But teens say: So true! And then some...

Columbia University's The National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse took a look at teen partying and access to drugs in a recent study. The findings?

• 1/3 of all teens, and nearly 1/2 of 17-year olds, go to house parties where parents are present and teens are drinking, smoking marijuana, or using cocaine, Ecstasy or prescription drugs.

• 80% of parents surveyed by Columbia (I guess those who weren't invited to the party) don’t think drugs and alcohol are on tap are parties their teens attend.

• 99% of parents say they would not be willing to serve alcohol at their teen’s party. BUT 28% of teen partygoers have been at parties at a home where parents were present and teens were drinking alcohol. Hmmm...

• Here's another head-scratcher: Only 12% of parents see drugs as their teen’s greatest concern. BUT twice as many teens (27%) say drugs are their greatest concern.

I almost had to file some of this study's revelations under DUH! Then I thought back to the Great Con of Mom of 1990-1992. This was the time period in high school where I made underage drinking one of my favorite pastimes (next to cheerleading practice and school dances). It also was on many levels the worst time of my life. Many regrets, heartbreak and trauma also went down thanks to my hard-partying ways.

But my mom, despite being pretty hip, didn't have a clue that I was on a never-ending party circuit for a while there. Especially because I always managed to do things like get to my grocery store bagging gig at 7 a.m. every Saturday.

My mom wanted to believe I was trustworthy and that I had some darned common sense. She too believed that I was out late studying or at parties where were watching videos and eating pizza (not downing 40s). I was a clever talker and kept my act together for the most part. But WHY did my mom, who was a former-70s-party-girl and teen mom and who had raised three wild teens before me, possibly think I was so innocent? Now that it’s 15 years or so later and I'm not afraid of my mom:), I just had to ask. Here's the *exclusive* interview:

Me: Why on earth did you think I was NOT partying in high school?
Mom: I just really trusted you. I thought you’d tell me if you drank. And you were such a Ra-Ra, student council, cheerleader, Mayor’s Council type. I trusted you and respected you. There were never any signs. You were very sneaky. And your sister kept low-profile, too. You, girls!

Me: Do you think you should have talked more to me about what would happen if I drank or did drugs? Or even ask me if I was doing that stuff or what I thought of it?
Mom: Well, your father [they were divorced] was an alcoholic and you didn’t like that, so I though it would deter you from drinking [and it did once I learned from my mistakes]. Still, if you’d called me up drunk, I wouldn’t have approved, so you couldn’t have called me for help. I wouldn’t have said: “I’ll come and get you.” I would have said, “DON’T DRINK, you should be the designated driver!” Now I think: What if she got killed? She should have been able to call me if she was in trouble. I think it might be a form of protection. You love your kids so much that you’re in denial. You block it out because it scares you.

Me: What is your advice for today’s parents who either let their kids party in plain view, or don’t think their kids are going to parties where people are really partying?
Mom: Look closer. Pay attention. Take a whiff. And be honest if you suspect something—not reject them or yell at them—but don't ignore it. Because drugs can kill your kids [our family, sadly, has suffered from the tragedies of serious drug addictions]. You need to be their parents, not their friends. You can have a relationship with them but don’t try to be “cool.”

You were always my daughter first, but I didn’t consider you a friend until you were adult. Still, I should have checked things more and asked more questions. Like: What did you do at the party? Who was there? Parents should be more observant. Be awake—I was always asleep when you came home, I should have waited up for you. I didn’t know a lot of your friends' parents and I should have. I should have gotten to know all your friends’ parents. We parents would have talked more then and I would have known: If their kids were doing it, you were too. And…have dinner together every night.

Me: Wow, sounds like a lot to stay on top of. Now wonder you just wanted to go to sleep and pretend I was at a peace ralley 'til 2 a.m.:)
Mom: Well, I should have paid closer attention that's for sure. You were still the kid and I was the parent.

Me: You mean I didn't know everything?
Mom: No!

Well those are my mom’s words of wisdom. Now, here’s mine: Girls experiment. Girls get pressured. Girls are sold partying as a way of life. Girls (sometimes) just want to have fun. There’s no point denying that temptation and opportunity lurks. Or that teen brain might mean that we don’t always think everything through. I sure didn’t. And not having a strong sense of self, big dreams, and personal boundaries did mean that my choices about drinking—and while drinking—added up to a lot of no good for me. Luckily I figured it out pretty quickly. By the time I headed to college—with my big dream of being a journalist—I had quit binge drinking and left behind all the nightmares that come with it. (Though some of the regrets and scars are still with me.)

So what’s the solution here for teens and their parents? I asked my BFF, who I’ve known since I was 11, why she never was an out-of-control party girl when we were teens. Her answer (and I didn’t egg her on): I had self-respect. I couldn't agree more.

MORE INFO
Wanna make more self-respecting choices or start a dialogue w. girls in your life? Check out RESPECT, Chapter 3: Your Body.

Need help with drug or alcohol abuse? Go here.

Comments (1) | by Courtney on September 13

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