Sure, respect is an inside job. Every girl has to commit to finding, building and keeping her self-respect. But we can throw our support a sistah's way. We can encourage her that she’s worth the effort. We can be there for her when disrespect has got her down. That’s what this sisterhood thing is all about, right? Here are 5 ways to help a girl (or woman or friend) invest in her self-respect:

1. Point out her strengths
Forget dishing advice about a how a girl can improve when it comes to her weaknesses. Instead, compliment her on her strengths (she already has many, guaranteed!). Let her know how amazing she is and how impressed you are by her talents and gifts. Highlighting her strengths (daily if necessary) is essential: She might be focusing on what’s wrong with her and not see all that's special about her.

But it’s important not to attach pressure or a prescription to your compliment like: You’re so great at math, you should become an engineer. Here are the colleges you should apply to but they’re very tough to get into, so you should... Instead, plant a seed so she can grow by using her strengths, like: You’re so great at math, do you enjoy it? If the answer is yes: If you want to spend more time flexing your math brain, let me know. Would you want to help me balance the family’s checkbook? It’s an important job and you’d be awesome at it if you’re interested. Whether you’re a parent, coach, supervisor at work, teacher or mentor, give her tons of opportunities to play to her strengths so she can boost her confidence, skills and self-respect along the way.

2. Encourage her passions
You have your dreams, and the girls in your life have theirs (even if they don’t know it yet). Behind every poster child for self-respect is a long list of passions that are being pursued, fulfilled and never ignored. Cheer girls to go after their passions. Coach them about to explore their interests and balance their passions with their responsibilities. Support them however you can—whether it be a ride to lesson they never want to miss, packing them a snack to keep their energy up, or just asking them about their passions and how they make them feel. Share with them the limitless potential we all have. For inspiration, offer examples of your heroes and role models. Ask them who they admire and why. And accept when their passions change. Allow girls the flexibility to grow out passions and into new ones—always encourage them to try new things and that mistakes are lessons in disguise.

3. Tell her she can do it (but don’t always tell her how)
Every girl already is creative, resourceful and whole. The question as her advocate is: How can you draw out her power and gifts? No matter what challenge lies ahead, encourage her that she *can* do it. Then ask—not tell—her how she thinks she can achieve her goal, dream or task. In a supportive way (and when neither of you are frustrated) ask her open-ended questions like: How would you go about getting into that college? or What are some ways you might raise the money to go to music camp?

As you take the time to ask powerful questions, her own intelligent plan will unfold. Be patient. This approach can take longer because she is new to exploring options and making action plans. If you hang back but let her know you are there for her, she will likely ask you for some advice and support—and then you can give her the benefit of your wisdom and experience. By telling girls they can do it, and then letting them figure out how, they start to see how smart they are, take more ownership over their plans, and think more deeply about the possible outcomes of their choices.

4. Listen and respect her boundaries
Girls tell me that the No. 1 way they feel respected is when people listen to them. Sounds easy, right? When girls are sharing their feelings, dreams or disappointments, press your lips together, open your ears and lean in. They are giving you a gift. When girls share, it’s the chance to see inside their hearts and pick up clues about how you can support them in becoming who they are supposed to be. When you are truly listening to them (without butting in or offering advice or discounting their feelings because they scare you) they are seeing respect in action. Also, listening to their thoughts and ideas is part of coaching them about how to make self-respecting decisions. It reinforces that they and their feelings count (isn’t this what we all need?).

Girls say they need to be able to talk without fear or judgment. Otherwise, they start to shut out their advocates, stop asking questions and don’t ask for support. So it’s all about listening. Young people have things to teach us too! And when they set boundaries, listen harder than ever before. Because if a girl can’t set boundaries in the safety of her own home, how is she going to enforce her boundaries to protect herself and not be doormat out in the real world? Like if she says: Mom, can you not ask me tons of questions right when I get home from school? Or, It hurts my feelings when you criticize how I do things. Listen and then negotiate an alternative that works for both of you. She’ll feel respected, you’ll feel like you can still positively influence her...and respect will start to rule under your roof.

5. Respect yourself, too
Respecting ourselves is a life-long practice. Show the girls in your life how it works for you. Learn and live The 7 Respect Basics—from following your passions to listening to your gut.

Show her (even if you’re still working on it) how you take care of and appreciate your mind, body and soul. Show her how you value yourself based on more than what you have or how you look. Show her how you support other women and don’t put them down. Show her how you do things that you love and that enrich your life. Show her your integrity by telling and living your truth. Show her how when you are dealing with disrespect—unhealthy relationships, negative self-talk, too much stress, depression, addictions, etc.—how you’re not afraid to get help. Show her how you surround yourself with people who respect themselves and want you to be yourself. Show her that she doesn’t have to be perfect and how to learn from mistakes instead of letting them define her. Show her that you are forgiving of yourself and others. Show her how to treat people equally and not violate others' rights. Show her that even if we’re not always set up for success, that true respect starts on the inside.

If you work toward loving and respecting yourself and others in her presence, she will learn how to do it too. Mission accomplished.

Comments (0) | by Courtney on November 8

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Dr. Madeline Levine has been a practicing clinical psychologist in affluent Marin County for 25 years. Now she’s written a book about how some teens are coming up empty despite having tons of opportunities and resources—and the pricey goods to go with them. In The Price of Privilege: How Parental Pressure and Material Advantage Are Creating a Generation of Disconnected and Unhappy Kids, Levine writes about what’s she’s finding among so-called privileged youth:

When a bright, personable fifteen-year-old girl, from a loving and financially comfortable family, came into her office with the word empty carved into her left forearm, Levine was startled. This girl and her message seemed to embody a disturbing pattern Levine had been observing. Her teenage patients were bright, socially skilled, and loved by their affluent parents. But behind a veneer of achievement and charm, many of these teens suffered severe emotional problems. What was going on?

Numerous studies show that privileged adolescents are experiencing epidemic rates of depression, anxiety disorders, and substance abuse—rates that are higher than those of any other socioeconomic group of young people in this country. The various elements of a perfect storm—materialism, pressure to achieve, perfectionism, disconnection—are combining to create a crisis in America's culture of affluence.

This culture is as unmanageable for parents—mothers in particular—as it is for their children. While many privileged kids project confidence and know how to make a good impression, alarming numbers lack the basic foundation of psychological development: an authentic sense of self. Even parents often miss the signs of significant emotional problems in their "star" children.

I'm almost done with this read and have to say: Ms. Levine hits on something that I have seen and felt among young women, my peers, and, well, it seems like almost everyone. What happens when you don’t learn how to trust yourself, be resourceful and do your thing (whatever that may be)? What happens when you measure your worth based on what’s on the outside (looks, possessions, status, fitting in with—or being on top of—the crowd)? Levine’s main concern is that the privileged kids she studied aren’t becoming autonomous. They don’t know themselves at all. Worse: There is no "self" there to know. They also are consumed by materialism—valuing people and themselves based on what they have, not who they are deep down.

But what Levine is talking about is not just “poor little rich girl” stuff. Maybe you've felt it (are living it) too. I call them self-respect-busting MYTHS. Believing these myths often adds up to feeling broke on the self-respect front and can rob us of our true potential:

Your goal in life and efforts should be focused on getting the best, most expensive, magazine-mentioned stuff—from your handbag to your home to that five-star wedding bought on credit. It’s important to stand out in *these* ways.
+
You should fixate on remaining young and thin (ever so discretely).
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Success is scarce—you need to fight everyone for it. Or if someone else is successful, they stole your spot!
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To feel good is not only to look good but to (secretly) feel above other people (especially your “friends”).
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You need to keep up with the Jones’? Forget that. It’s about being first-to-market and miles ahead of the Jones’. The Jones’ can eat your dust (and be jealous of you while choking on said dust).
+
You have to strive to win big and collect impressive victories during every waking minute: Just won American Idol today? So, what’s next tomorrow?
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Not that you’d say it out loud, but you deserve better than others—or know better than others. You also feel entitled to what your parents have or to be able to buy your parents 5x over.
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Even when you get what you (think you) want, you should still want more, better, the best.
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To be somebody means to have all attention on you as if you’re walking down a 24/7 red carpet with bulbs flashing.
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To be somebody really means everybody wants to be you.
=
Not Blinged-Out Life but The Big Empty (Doesn’t it?)

Rx: Believe me, I still struggle with some of these self-respect-busting myths. Like the occasional: You’re nobody till Oprah loves you (and invites you on her show). Honestly, though, we don’t have to operate this way. Having self-respect, feeling valuable (but not more so than others), and knowing that you have a mission in life (and having the resourcefulness to get on with it!) is a PRIVILEGE we should all enjoy.

Anyone who knows me knows that on paper I didn’t come from a life of traditional privilege. (i.e. Single mom who started out as a teen mom and worked her way up without a high school diploma; domestic violence and addictions under my roof; father who’d done serious time; knowing what “one paycheck from the street” meant before most kids start collecting an allowance. And no, I didn’t get an allowance.)

But I feel so privileged so to speak. Especially when I feel the pain the teens I connect with are going through (whether they’ve been given every opportunity or are struggling to survive). Why? Because my parents and older siblings made me feel loved and special because I was, well, just me (no additives, no upgrades, no pressure). My parents had no real plan laid out for me, or money to back up my plans when I made them (which I did resent sometimes—“it’s not fair!”).

However, many of the teens I’m meeting are living another extreme: They are either seemingly handed everything and their life plans or have no skills, internal resources, or healthy self-respect. OR they are getting little-to-no support, and though they might have a lot of heart they have no help in learning how to survive and find their own successes. Um, they all have cel phones.

All I can say is that I got some character-building basics from my family that served me well before we ever came up with the 7 Respect Basics. The lessons were: You’re responsible for you. You’re responsible for who you choose to hang with. Educate yourself so you can solve problems and have an impact. If you don’t know how to do something: ask. Treat people how you want to be treated—clean up your act when you don’t. Pitch in to help people when they’re down. You need to pay your bills and honor your commitments. So if you need money, make it, but don’t be greedy, self-centered or wasteful. Less is more. Speak out against injustice—always. Appreciate what you have. What counts most is being a good person. It’s your life. And my favorite: I never promised you a rose garden... All this with a healthy dose of boundaries (though not always, I had to learn to trust my gut and protect myself, too).

What I didn’t get: a credit card or a cookie-cutter formula for success. The result: Coming up with my own brand of success feels so much better (and achievable!). Thanks to this privileged guidance, I’ve found that when I really feel sparkly, gorgeous, and good it’s when I’m striving for something that’s hard to buy and requires no competitive edge: To be compassionate and helpful and non-harmful. To do what I know I should do. To follow my dreams. In fact, life is really booming when I’m not obsessing about what’s outside of the true me or competing to “get mine” (again: possessions, looks, status, being right, riches, rewards, notoriety). I’m not sure how this stacks up to living a life of traditional privilege, but I sure don’t feel like I’m living on Empty here.

After reading Levine’s book, it just confirms why I believe we need to change the expectations and marks of success. We need to change it for ourselves, and we definitely need to change it for the young people we’re guiding, mentoring, parenting. Let’s make the definition of success something like this:
* When you uncover your deep-down-inside bling and let it shine…
* When you respect yourself and others and fight for respect for all…
* When you feel connected to and equal to and care about everyone else on the planet…
* When you make your time here count in the way you were meant too—in a way that brings out your bliss (whatever that may be)…
* When you're also on your own timeline...
* When you feel happy to work hard at something you love or to support something you love...
* When you know how to make self-respecting decisions, appreciate your mind, body, and soul, and love Ms. (or Mr.) You…
* When you’re not afraid but empowered…

Sounds so perfect and quite the privilege! Operating from this flavor of POV, you can still put food on the table and survive and even succeed beyond your wildest dreams (which is what privilege-wielding parents really want for their kids, right?). You will know what it feels like to be really full and spilling over with yumminess to offer the world. But the difference is you won’t care if the Jones’ see you serving up your royal feast of a life on paper plates or fine china.

BRING OUT YOUR REAL BLING
Here are a few more quick nuggets to chew on:

Girls
• Think about what matters to you. No matter what life someone else is trying to carve out for you, keep trying new things and digging up your passions. Only you can really know how *you* want to spend your time on this planet. Only you can figure out what you have to offer (and you do have many amazing gifts and blessings to offer, trust me!).
• Get involved. Honestly, it feels good (and can pull you out of a slump) to contribute to your neighborhood, school, community, planet. Think about something you care about or that makes you mad. Then start to use all your fabulous powers, talents and gifts to make a change or make a difference. You’ll learn about yourself, feel less lonely, and start to see how awesome you are (and why we all need you to do your thing: you’re that important to the world!). It's important to feel connected to the world around you; to know you belong just because you're here (one love, girls!).
• Question everything. Do you think that some people deserve more than others or are better than everyone else? Why? Do you need to be rich and good-looking to matter? What do you think makes people feel truly valued and happy? What does it mean to “be somebody”? What kind of person do you want to be (hint: the answer should have nothing to do with your “lifestyle”)? What do you want out of life right now that you’re afraid to go after or even talk about?
• SEE RESPECT Part 1: Respect on the Inside.

Advocates
• Re-think success. Whether you’re a parent or mentor, think about how you can encourage young people to become who they are supposed to be. How can they be resourceful? How can they be more DIY? How can they measure their own success vs. always worrying about how they measure up to everyone else? A good place to start is to look at what you value about yourself and others. What do you think really matters in life? Are these standards filling you up or making you feel empty?
• Reveal the many options and that you don’t know all the answers. Life is not one-size-fits-all. Can you share your experience as one example of how to do this “life thing,” but also admit that your way is not the only way? Teens need to have their eyes opened to the possibilities in life, not be clamped down by having to follow some perfect plan for success (there is no such thing). Let them know it’s OK to make mistakes. That’s how we learn. Offer them tips on how to bounce back after a painful mistake and take responsibility and set new boundaries (this is where your guidance and support is SO needed).
• Show them how to earn a really charmed life. How do you get real privileges in life? You earn them. Show teens ways to earn their way through life, how to open doors, how to make choices that show they respect themselves and others, how to deal with rejection, how to celebrate and use their gifts (and I don't mean birthday gifts!). Also show them the payoffs you feel when you care about and respect others as much as yourself. And invest in the real you. Are you hung up trying to make your life seem perfect or on par with your peers from the outside looking in? Do you only feel like you matter when your body or lifestyle is a certain way? Do you feel like your true self is not showing up and running the show? Question everything. How can you lay down values or habits that don't make you feel respect on the inside?
• Drop the judgments. Judgment (of ourself and others) can be at the root of why we over-shop, gossip, try to one-up others, or obsess about our weight or posessions--we often are trying to fill the voids that we feel when we aren't "as good" as others. Judgments are what make us mean:) Judgments are what make us rigid in our views of what a really awesome life looks and feels like. Judgment can also be how we try to establish that we're different or special (but you already are special, trust me!). I totally struggle with this one too. I sometimes "can't believe" what other people are doing. But the only way to sidestep the respect-busting competition and really connect with others is to let go of judgments about them. The less judgmental you are about others, the less you judge yourself and the easier it can be to just be you (And we need to model this for our girls!).
• Listen. Teens say the No. 1 way they feel respected is when people listen to them. So listen up about what they are struggling with—or even what’s missing. Like if a young person seems hopeless or has no concern for other people, what’s going on? Also, don’t provide advice 24/7. Instead ask them what they think they should do. Finally, start letting them drive. As in their own lives.

P.S. In addition to RESPECT, Free Spirit offers tons of other character-building books, which you can find here
and here.

Comments (0) | by Courtney on August 23

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The Boys & Girls Clubs of America released its Youth Report To America—a national survey of 46,000 young people ages 13 to 18. From the Iraq war to violence in schools to education and the pursuit of the "American Dream" the report is a revealing look at the hopes, dreams and concerns of teens.

One of the coolest things about this survey is that is was developed and conducted by teens—so the respondents were probably a tad bit more truthful. The nine-page report is loaded with interesting stats, here's what stood out for me:

• Only one in three teens polled (33%) believe that knowledge is a key to success—that seems low to me! Still, nearly 74% think college is necessary to meet their career goals.

• More than 57% of all respondents say their children will have more challenges than they have. I think every generation can feel this way, but feeling hopeless can lead to inaction. And that leads to the next point…

• When asked "What things can make life better for future generations?" almost 40% said finishing school (smart!). But only 22% said being involved in their communities and JUST 13% said pushing for equal opportunities for everyone.

We can't settle for this disconnect. We need to help all teens see the power of social change and how fighting for all people's rights is the same as standing for yourself (it's their world!). We can start by letting them know that they have rights. Read on for their views on racial harmony which do indicate a strong desire for equality for all.

• More than 1 in 3 youth stated that their relationship with their parents/guardians was most important to them. And 44% admitted that their guardians had more influence over their decisions than their friends (who came in second at 19%). Shocked? Don’t be. Even though teens are pushing for more independence, they tell me they still crave care (even from a distance) and boundaries (even if they don't always like 'em) from their parents. It's simple: It makes them feel safe. They're not totally ready to have the whole weight of the world on their shoulders…

• And the No. 1 way teens say their relationships with adults can be improved? Listening to one another!

When we wrote RESPECT every girl we interviewed said the same thing. And boy don't we all know it. If we all open our big fat ears, the respect will really start to flow. Instead of advising or telling each other what to do, we can all act like good reporters, instead. This means listening close to each other and asking powerful open-ended questions. Teens want to have their say—and they deserve it. Speaking up is a Respect Basic (so is listening up!).

• Speaking of listening, this whole section is worth a close read:

What is the biggest problem in your community?
Crime: 29.88%
Peer pressure: 25.74%
Teen pregnancy: 18.71%
Lack of jobs: 16.07%
Other (drugs, gangs, all of the above): 9.59%
(The teen girls I work with every week through Girls For A Change say the *exact* same thing. In fact, their social change project this year was tie between trying to keep their local middle school little sisters from getting into gangs vs. getting pregnant. After many heart-to-hearts, they decided to develop a teen pregnancy prevention program for girls ages 12 to 14!)

What causes teens the greatest stress?
Peer pressure/fitting in: 37.00%
School: 25.47%
Relationships: 19.24%
Violence: 11.35%
Other (school, money, all of the above): 6.94%

What is your greatest fear?
Going to war: 26.72%
Not graduating from high school: 25.69%
Losing a good friend: 19.46%
Not getting a job: 15.90%
Other (dying, losing loved one, God): 12.23%

What is the No. 1 problem facing teens in America?
Drugs/Alcohol: 39.69%
Lack of security/violence: 21.05%
Race relations: 15.96%
Poverty: 14.91%
Other (peer pressure, sex/teen pregnancy, all of the above): 8.38%

• Like generations before, they are worried about violence and race relations. They say ending racism and creating harmony among all people will reduce conflict, unite our country and strengthen communities.

• Here's my favorite. More than 69% feel that one of those responsibilities that Americans have is to vote. And when asked "What is your idea of the American dream?" Personal happiness won by a landslide at 41%.

Now they didn't say having a massive Super Sweet 16 party, iPods or being famous, OK? Young adults totally get it that deep down, having a mission in life and following your passions is the real deal. And living the dream starts with having respect on the inside, creating strong relationships, and spreading respect for all people. They spoke, let's listen. And lend our support.

Comments (0) | by Courtney on March 18

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RESPECT was written for girls, but the book can teach all teens (and adults) how to build mutual respect. Here's how to use the book in the classroom or workshops for teens:

1. Build Self-Respect
Use The 7 Respect Basics to show teens how respect is connected to everything—from their choices to how they feel about themselves to their future success.

2. Foster Mutual Respect
Help students set higher standards for how to give and get respect using the do's and don'ts in Chapter 1. Also, work with students to create respect pacts for their classrooms (see Chapters 6 and 11).

3. Encourage Healthy Choices
Mentor teens about how to make self-respecting choices that honor their values, gut instincts, and boundaries. Chapters 1 through 3 and 8 are perfect for class discussions on how the mind-body connection contributes to a teen’s overall success and sense of self-worth.

4. Teach Media Literacy
Have a class discussion about media myths and stereotypes that fuel disrespect and gender inequality. Use activities from the "Take Back the Media" section in Chapter 4.

5. Promote Equal Rights
Advance equality and self-respect starting with a discussion of "Your Rights" and "Inside the –isms" (see Chapter 1). "REtroSPECT" sidebars throughout the book are also handy civil rights summaries that are great for kick-starting broader discussions.

6. End Sexual Harassment and Bullying
Set the tone for mutual respect by discussing with students the effects sexual harassment and bullying. Inform students about your school’s anti-harassment policy. Chapter 11 offers steps students can take to report harassment and to promote a safe learning environment for all.

7. Raise Awareness About Abuse and Dating Violence
Use the clear definitions and examples of abuse in Chapter 9, to discuss the effects of abuse and how students can get help, report crimes, or support a friend. Also discuss the difference between disrespectful and healthy relationships as described in Chapters 5 and 7.

8. Sponsor Self-Defense
To decrease violence, bullying and abuse, help teens learn how to de-escalate situations, how to defend themselves, and how to get help. Share the tips and strategies in Chapter 10. Also use the evidence presented to lobby your school to teach self-defense techniques in P.E. class.

9. Inspire Political Action
Using Chapter 12, you can show teens how to take action to spread respect and become future leaders. Teachers can supplement government and history lesson plans with activities listed in "Make Your Voice Heard" such as how to write letters to lawmakers or start a campaign for change.

10. Advocate Getting Help
Referencing "Help!" sidebars throughout the book, you can encourage teens to get help when it comes to dating violence, eating disorders, abuse, harassment, or everyday dilemmas they're going through. Teach students how to find reliable support and resources using the "More Info" section (page 204) as a guide.

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llustration by Catherine LePage © Free Spirit Publishing Inc. 2005

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