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I dated a guy for about 8 months. When he was over the sex, he basically dumped me. He never wanted to commit to being my boyfriend either, but was happy to hook up. He moved on like a week later to another woman and even tried to push me off on his friend. I thought he would never disrespect me like he did and that's why it hurts. ~Simone, 20

Rx: Of course it hurts. (Uh, that part about pushing you on his friend is particularly shady). I would feel bad in this scenario too—and have been there believe me! So give yourself space to work through feeling let down. If you can swing it to stay solo during this time that will probably give you even more clarity. Then try these steps:

No. 1: Think about what respect means to you. And that means thinking about your Respect Relationship Rules. Complete these sentences:
• Disrespectful behavior in a relationship includes...
• I show respect for my BF/GF by...
• Being in a relationship gives me...
• Some deal-breakers and boundaries for me are...
• Before I get naked:) with someone, I want...

You get the picture! And don't include the word "don't" in the list. Just stick to what you want.

No. 2: Make it all about you. Relationships aren't just about making it work with someone. It's about what you bring to the table too. So focus on you. Especially when you're recovering from a less-than-stellar relationship. Now write your big "wants." What kind of life are you going for here? What kind of woman do you want to be? What is the secret to your true fulfillment? Nothing is too big to make the list. Write at least 10 wants. Make it 20 if you want to get yourself really fired up.
• I want to...

No. 3: Take action one step at a time. Now pick at least one want, and write one action you can do in the next week to move it forward. Pick a new want each week and keep the threads going on the ones you've kick-started. Notice if you haven't been going after your big wants when you were dealing with Mr. Disrespect-o. It's so easy to get focused on someone else and not ourselves. The bottom line: Invest spending your time in doing positive things for yourself. Look at that "want" list and then put your energies into that stuff. It's OK if attracting Mr. "Respects Me Big Time" is on the list too. I hope he is!

The stronger and more self-respecting we get, the healthier our relationships get. The interesting—Self-RESPECTING—people will follow and fit into to our life where it makes sense. It's all about doing our THING so the world can be a better place because we are blossoming (in a good way!) one day at a time. And when it comes to adding more respect to your sex life, also check out these 7 questions. (They're written to girls but they can work for us too!)

Comments (0) | by Courtney on January 1

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Oh, self-care. For many of us that term means "me time." You know: spa days, a good book, bubble baths, yoga, and all that jazz. Self-care is often a list in a magazine of things to surround yourself with that tend to smell fruity or can come down to a swipe of a credit card at the mall.

Now, more than ever, self-care needs to mean so much more. Self-care is actually the ultimate form of self-respect. Maybe it can even save the world? Stay with me...

Because here's the thing I don't always want to admit: When my self-care sucks, my integrity wanes. I cancel on you at the last-minute. I show up half-hearted. I'm more cranky and close-minded. I don't pay attention. I make more messes. I'm not as helpful. That one really sucks because my No. 1 goal in life is to be of service. So self-care is really that important for me. Or I actually get really off track in life. And I want my partners (professional and romantic) to up their self-care too—otherwise everything suffers. We're not fooling anyone (and neither are you).

For me, honest self-care doesn't mean cramming in 50 minutes at the gym in which the whole time I'm thinking about what I'll make for dinner and that the engine light is on in my car and that she had some nerve. So if it's not just about bubble baths and hitting the gym, what does this "self-care" stuff mean?

One of the definitions of care is: "watchful attention." I love this definition. This is where I smell the world-changing potential of real self-care. To this end, I've broken self-care down into a totally scientific process I call S.T.O.P. Try it!

S is for savor...

I can talk fast, connect the dots fast, eat fast, and launch ideas and programs fast. There is nothing wrong with that. My impatience and speed can create positive change.

Savor, on the other hand, makes me think of gooey, homemade macaroni and cheese. Or breathing in salty sea air as the fog spritzes my face. Or lingering in a warm hug from my sweetie. Or letting it sink in when someone says something that really floors me at a Respect Rally (like an 11-year-old girl who said after a visualization that "her Future Self told her to respect herself today to reach her goals tomorrow." Mmmmm....)

Savor is a tantalizing way to say slow down. Do I really want to rush to the bank to check my balance anyway? Do I want to rush to another birthday? Do I want to learn all my lessons today and be bored out of mind for the next 50 years? No. Savor also means I notice that the other forces besides my bright ideas are at play in the universe. Hmmm.

Here's the even more challenging part, though. I'm even attempting to savor walking through my fires. Moving house, fixing busted pipes, using my resources wisely, finishing an intense training program, growing Respect Rx, dark moods, losing contracts, pitching new business, the ending of a 10-year relationship (i.e. divorce), paying taxes, conflicts in new relationships. Savor this stuff? It's worth a try. Because I want to learn my lessons real good to make room for new experiences. I also love that feeling when you look back and can say: I made it through. I was OK. I am OK.

What I've heard and learned: What you resist will just persist. I.e. you could get deadly heart disease eating tons of gooey, homemade macaroni and cheese you never even had the pleasure of tasting. Bummer.

For you:
• What do you want to savor right now?

T is for talk it out...

I wish someone would start Economy Anonymous or Freaked-Out Anonymous or Worst-Mood-Ever Anonymous. As someone who's greatly benefited from the world of "anons" I think we could all use safe spaces to talk stuff out as part of our self-care. And I don't mean just calling your BF and venting. Or supposed problem-solving with your partner at the end of a long day when you're maxed out.

I mean participating in a community where there is a "pact" about honest sharing and deep listening. Where you can say what you need to say; and hear what you need to hear. Whether it be your church, a conference call you set up with friends each week around a theme (my friends and I did this around money), or a support group that has a facilitator or counselor on hand. It's about leaning into others and being leaned on.

For you:
• What would make you feel less alone right now?
• What step will you take to create that support?

O is for opt-out...

This one is simple. Self-care means setting boundaries. Creating a little space around you. Freeing up time to do some "resentment-prevention" work (for me this is where bubble baths, reading, sleep, and running do come in). My sweetie offers this test: If you look at your cat and think he has the best life ever and you would sell your soul to trade places with him, it's time for more self-care of the opting-out flavor. You can also opt-out of "shoulds" that hound you or beliefs that aren't working for you anymore. Whatever it takes to take better care of you.

For you:
• What do you want to opt out of right now?

P is for pause...

When I'm about to intentionally hurl myself down some stairs (or push you down them!), whoa, it's time to pause. Hot-faced irritation and generally hating on myself or others to excess means I need to pause:). I'm a proponent of spreading respect after all—my rep is on the line here! That feeling that I don't want to do my beautiful, fulfilling work because it is feeling like too much "work" means I need to pause. Pausing could be simply asking myself: What do I need right now? Water? To pee? Oxygen anyone?

Pause doesn't mean to retire or not care. It means be where you're at. Or let some stuff marinate before you make the next move. Celebrate for goodness sake. Maybe you need to pause to shine your flashlight on an area of your life that needs more of that watchful attention. After I do a lot of fun, empowering work with people, I've learned to pause. The Google Calendar needs to be color-block free. Then I can resume regular programming with some presence. Savor and Pause are obviously good friends.

Most often, I need to pause before I attempt to go fast again. Because I like going fast. That's me. Fulfillment can't wait! So that's why for me P is for pause because I don't want to reach for another P instead—like Pull the Plug.

For you:
• Where do you need to pause?

Self-care has grown up for me. Bubble baths are nice, but too many dry out my skin:) or they are pointless if I'm just soaking in my worries. Self-care now means self-respect. And it requires daily recommitment. And some days I fail miserably. And that's just another time to S.T.O.P.

When I'm paying "watchful attention," it means I show myself through my actions that I'm a valuable resource. It means I have a healthy respect for what can really be accomplished in a day by this imperfect human being. At its simplest, self-care to me now means that I truly see, smell, chew, taste and give gratitude for my plate of gooey, homemade macaroni and cheese. And life.

For you:
• What would our world gain if you STOPped to take real care of you?
• And how would your world change?

Comments (2) | by Courtney on January 1

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Teen pregnancy is on the rise: 3 out 10 girls get pregnant. And MTV's popular 16 and Pregnant is showing a lot of the struggles that come with the territory. Plus, more than 1/3 of all unplanned pregnancies (1.1 million) occur to unmarried women in their 20s.

Preventing unplanned pregnancy is not just about having the "talks" about how babies are made, STDs and the perils of parenting without resources. Kids need to be supported—and invested in—on so many levels before the day even comes for those talks.

Based on my own risky journey with sex as a teen, to me a big part of the "solution" (there isn't one cure-all) comes down to boosting self-respect from many fronts. Imagine from age 0 that kids have a community, role models, school, organizations, family, friends and values around them that support the development of healthy self-respect. Well then risky choices become less of a risk factor, right? This is true for all the biggies that can derail a teen down the line from dating violence to drug abuse to, yes, unplanned pregnancy.

For me, this is where the Respect Basics come in. They are a worthy layer to add on to pregnancy prevention work. Through the Basics, you learn to envision the life you want and to set the boundaries you need to set to get there. You learn to build your confidence, communication skills and support network. And the people around teens (like me, their teachers and families) need to work the Basics too. It just sticks better that way! And teens need to teach the Basics to younger kids. It just flows better that way!

To push this mission forward, we have a new program guide coming out—the RESPECT: Keep It Going! Kit—for teens that includes up to 24 sessions you can lead that focus on self-respect, relationship respect and respect leadership to create change. Sign up for our NEWSLETTER (the box is on your left) if you want to be alerted when it comes out.

The thing is, the self-respect connection is not just true for kids and teens. Guess what? 20-somethings are getting "Knocked Up"—yep, unplanned just like the movie—at record rates too. More than 1/3 of all unplanned pregnancies (1.1 million) occur to unmarried women in their 20s and almost half of the nearly 19 million new sexually transmitted infections that occur each year affect 15- to 24-year-olds, according to The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy.

I have to say I was inspired to post about teen pregnancy (again!) by a recent conversation I had with the team at The National Campaign. The org just launched, Sex.Really to spark more convos among 20-somethings about their sex lives and relationships.

In your 20's, you likely know how babies are made and that you can catch some nasty STD if you're not careful (and even if you are!). So to me (broken record) it really does come down to self-respect. How are you taking care of yourself and your needs? Are you speaking about said needs? These Respect Basics (trust your gut. set boundaries-speak up! know you're valuable.) need to be developed to prevent unplanned pregnancy, too.

When you have respect on the inside, you have the foundation to make choices that work for you—and you have the ability to recover and learn from mistakes, too. Mostly you are empowered to break the cycles that need to be broken for you to thrive. And this world needs you to thrive.

More Resources
Also, check out The Campaign's Latina Initiative. It has created two new quizzes for teens in Spanish that are great to post on your websites. Quiz 1 • Quiz 2

More Respect Rx resources here.

Comments (0) | by Courtney on July 31

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Here are 3 books I love and why:

The Female Brain
Rx: Learn what what makes you tick and find out that you're not a freak—you just have a female brain. I love the chapters on teen brain (been there) and mommy brain (stay tuned!).

The Bigger Game: Why Playing a Bigger Game Designs Who You Want to Become
Rx: This book was co-authored by one of my teachers and mentors, Caroline MacNeill Hall. It shows you how to actually play bigger, be your amazing self and make the impact you want to make in this word.

The Art of Power
Rx: I'm reading this for the third time. Learn how to lead from the heart and with mindfulness of your power. If all leaders—whether you lead at home, on your street or on the global stage—followed these principals, our world would not be a mess but thriving.

Comments (0) | by Courtney on May 28

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Here are more details about our new 8-Week "What Do You Want?" Telecourse Coaching Program:

PROGRAM SNAPSHOT
• 8 Coaching Sessions:
• Archived sessions will be available by video and audio recording

COACHING SESSIONS
We'll lead you you through exercises during each session and coach some women live for the benefit of the whole group.

Week 1: What do you want?
Visioning exercises that will help you define what you want in your life—in 2009 and beyond—when it comes to your health, relationships, career, finances, mind, spirit, etc.

Week 2: Why do you want what you want?
Recognizing your values and what matters most to you. How to align your values and needs with your actions.

Week 3: What are your goals?
What do you want to make happen by the end of the program, the end of the year and long-term (think next 5 years)? Setting your outcomes—at least 3 to 5 clear goals you want to achieve with the support of the program.

Week 4: What will you do?
Designing a plan of action for to reach your goals.

Week 5: How will you stick to your plan?
Creating an accountability structure with our support. What are you saying yes to? What are you saying no to?

Week 6: How will you enjoy the journey?
Learning how to refuel and reward yourself to keep the dream alive.

Week 7: How will you recover from failure?
Celebrating success and transforming failures into lessons.

Week 8: How will you keep it real?
Learn insider tips & tricks for living life from the inside out. Preparing for the 4-week Support Session.

REGISTER
$299
Includes e-book with handouts for each session.
RSVP to events@respectrx.com

ABOUT THE COACHES
Jennifer Davidson is founder of Reality Check Coaching, holds an MBA and is a trained Professional Leadership Coach. She formerly was the hub leader of the GE Women's Network for Oregon and Southwest Washington and is green-belt trained in Six Sigma. Through Reality Check Coaching she coaches individuals and teams, and leads corporate trainings. Jennifer’s passion is working with young women to help them to achieve success, and training businesses to reach their goals.

Courtney Macavinta is founder and CEO of Respect Rx. She is an award-winning journalist, author, speaker and coach who has reached millions girls and women through her work, including her blog RespectRx.com and bestselling book, RESPECT: A Girl’s Guide to Getting Respect and Dealing When Your Line Is Crossed. Courtney offers private life and leadership coaching for girls, women and their advocates as well as professionals. She's also helped design training and development programs or materials for corporations including Gap Inc., Starbucks, Nike, Jamba Juice, Genentech and Hewlett-Packard. In addition, she's developed train-the-trainers and programs for Girls For A Change, Girl Scouts of the USA, Bay Area Girls Rock Camp and the Dove Self-Esteem Fund.

Jennifer and Courtney are both trained by The Coaches Training Institute where they met. Through their partnership, they are dedicated to empowering girls, women and men alike to find their inner leader. In addition to leading workshops at state women's conferences, they also recently created and facilitated a leadership program for young women who attended the Democratic National Convention.

Comments (0) | by Courtney on March 11

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I thought you'd enjoy this worksheet that I created: Value Your Worth.

Download (PDF)

It's not just to explore the value of what you're getting paid now for your "work." You can also use it to think about how you'd transition volunteer work you love into paid work. How would valuing your work differently shift your self-respect? How would it lead to true fulfillment? (Don't give up because of "the economy"—this is your life and legacy we're talking about!)

Let me know if you complete it and discuss what you learned in the COMMENTS section below. Or set up a coaching session to make it happen!

Comments (0) | by Courtney on March 11

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When I was 15 and hating on myself and defiling myself and barfing and blacking out on the weekends—AND also having lots of fun and being free (ah the paradox)—I couldn't picture the future. The good news: I was in the "now." The bad news: My "now" was frequently hanging out in the disrespect zone. I couldn't picture who I'd be in 5 years—let alone in 5 months. I wasn't strongly attached to a vision or dream for myself. So that meant I was lost and losing myself.

And when I did meet and pursue my first big dream (going to college to become a journalist), self-respect started to bloom. And so did I. And now the world is better for it. And I can say that about myself and you should too. I say own your power because there is too much we are powerless over in the meantime.

I think when we can have a little meet and greet with our future self (who we'd like to be and already are deep inside) we can reveal our passions. Which helps us see what's important to us. Which can trigger our goals. Which allows us to move forward to create the life we want and fulfill our many callings. And it's fun.

Here's where I'm going with this (VIDEO follows!)...

Today a very beautiful person died: Randy Pausch. Randy was a Carnegie Mellon professor who I learned about when he was featured on Oprah. Dieing of cancer, with three-to-six months left to live, he delivered what has been coined "The Last Lecture." It was an assignment from Carnegie Mellon. Professors are asked to create and deliver the last lecture of their lives, the question: What would be your message?

Pausch's lecture, which would in his case be his "last", is a funny and inspiring talk about how he followed his dreams (BEFORE his diagnosis) and lessons learned. (It's also now a book.)

Watch his Last Lecture now:

When you're done watching, I want you to write Your Last Lecture. You don't need Powerpoint. You don't need to be a so-called writer (please people, I have misspelled my own name!). Here are some steps to get you started:

#1. Sit down, close your eyes, and picture yourself 5, 10, 20 years from now. What are you doing? How awesome are you? What dreams have you lived out? What's next for you? What have you learned? What's your impact on the people around you and our world?

#2. Write about your future self. How cool is she?

#3. Now that you're a bit more tapped into your greatness and abilities, write Your Last Lecture. Not into writing? Make a video or podcast message instead. What's your message to other girls, women and the world?

WIN IT! If you post Your Last Lecture below as a Comment, we'll send you a cool goody bag. We promise not to fall asleep and drool. These are some lectures we actually want to hear!

Comments (2) | by Courtney on July 25

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I've been working on two major leadership thing-ies:

1. The Girl Scouts USA uniquely ME! Leadership Institute (which I'm facilitating July 7-11 in Atlanta). I've been reading through the girls' applications. And, well, if you want to have a good cry while your heart fills with hope and admiration for your fellow girls (and our future leaders), come on over to my house and have a read!

2. Respect Rx. We're taking steps every day, every minute to create powerful event programs and trainings for girls and women and their advocates. We're growing rapidly thanks to the Jens* and other amazing women like our new accounting guru who doubles as a passionate high school music teacher. And thanks to my coach Sharna Fey. And thanks to the supportive coaches I train with at The Coaches Training Institute. This leadership stuff takes a village, people! As it should.

It got me thinking about what kind of leader do I want to be? What kinda leader am I already? I believe we all lead. The question is: What are we leading ourselves and others toward?

When it comes to what kinda leader you want to be, you don't have to copy archetypes you've seen in action: Trump, Bush, Gates, your current boss, your current principal, your mom:). That said, high-profile-role-model pickings can be slim if you want to learn from someone who has walked your walk. Women account for only 2.6% of the Fortune 500 CEOs and 16.4% of Congress members. And of those Congresswomen, only 20 women are women of color.

That said, to me, a leader doesn't have a fancy title and the paycheck to go with it or be elected or be able to pass me toilet paper under the bathroom stall because we share the same gender. You don't need someone exactly like you who came before you to pave the way for you to lead (not that it doesn't help!). At the end of the day, we all are already leaders. And if you feel you don't fit the so-called mold or don't know how to break it, then paste this quote Sharna sent me next to your bathroom mirror:

Everybody can be great...because anybody can serve. You don't have to have a college degree to serve. You don't have to make your subject and verb agree to serve. You only need a heart full of grace. A soul generated by love. —Martin Luther King, Jr.

This week's Juicy Question: What kind of a leader are you? And what are you leading yourself and others to**?

*This is not a new rock band:) Jen Jones and Jen Davidson and Jen Uribe are on Team Respect Rx.
**Hey, MLK said it's OK for me to end a sentence with a preposition.

Comments (0) | by Courtney on June 19

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My friend and body image expert Jess Weiner reminded me that Feb. 24 starts National Eating Disorders Awareness Week so I'm *finally* posting about one of my favorite books of 2007. Perfect Girls, Starving Daughters: The Frightening New Normalcy of Hating Your Body by Courtney E. Martin. This book is required reading for girls and those who care about girls and all the women who were girls once:). Here Courtney and I talk about the book and the "new normal" that we can work to change for girls and for ourselves:

Respect Rx: What can girl advocate or parents do—small or big things—to counteract the "new normal" of girls hating their bodies?
Courtney E. Martin: The most important thing that a girl advocate or parent can do is heal their relationships with their own bodies. So many adults, mothers in particular, become paralyzed trying to figure out the perfect thing to say to their daughters. In truth, the most powerful thing they can communicate is through their own modeling.

What can a girl do to change the tide when body hatred/diets/exercise/fat talk is ALL her friends talk about?
One of the most important lessons I learned in college was that I had to choose my friends just like I chose my classes. This means sometimes taking the embarrassing step of approaching a "friend crush" and telling her how amazing you think she is. Some of my closest friends were women that I did this with and I have never regretted it, no matter how dorky it seemed at the time. You don't have to hang out with toxic people, and most of the time, it is treacherously difficult to change them.

I loved your discussion of "spiritual hunger" and have seen this firsthand. In what ways can girls and women start to truly "fill up" to reach our potential?
I think women need to be still, give themselves time to reflect, read philosophy and spiritual texts, really take the space necessary to contemplate on the idea of "the good life." It is an age-old quest, but one that we have gotten further and further away from the more appearance and consumer focused we become and the faster we move.

In your mind, what could girls and women being doing instead with all the power and time we spend thinking about our bodies? In other words, what kind of impact could we have if this weren't often our main focus?
There's no doubt in my mind that if women harnessed all the energy they now put into their body projects and used it for good, the whole damn world would be changed forever. And perhaps even more important, women's quality of life would simply skyrocket. We deserve to live our best lives, and as long as we are body-focused, we will never be able to do that.

What is the one thing you do every day that supports you in NOT hating your body but appreciating yourself and fulfilling your mission?
I check in with my body and respect its wisdom. If I'm sitting at the computer too long and my back starts stiffening, I remember to honor that, get up, take a walk around the block or get a snack. Simply valuing my body's wisdom in a million little ways is the biggest revolution for me.

Buy the book here. And check out more resources and reads here. Break the perfect mold here. Get REAL here.

Comments (0) | by Courtney on February 20

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My husband joined me in my business recently, and seems bent on proving to me that he is competent to run the business now and I am not. He cuts me down at nearly every opportunity and treats me with disrespect in so many subtle ways! I am losing confidence. What to do?

Rx: First, the good news: You already know you deserve better which is a Respect Basic. You know that what your husband is doing is disrespectful and you know your self-respect is on the line. Here are some steps you can take to speak up and make some changes:

Set some boundaries. Mixing business with marriage is never easy. But under all of our roofs—whether we live with roommates, partners, or other family members—we often have to cooperate to pay the bills, make dinner, clean the house, solve problems and plan for tomorrow. To protect your self-respect, for starters, think/journal about how you feel about your husband’s treatment. Also list the boundaries you want to set with him. Start with major disrespect dilemmas at the top of the list (like when he puts you down) and work down the list to the business issues (like what is the clear division of responsibilities going to be at the office?).

Speak up. Next, when you're ready, tell him how his treatment is making you feel [“(I feel (blank) when you (blank) and I want (blank to change in the following ways)”]. You might need more support from a therapist before you can draw the line—especially if underneath it all you feel unsafe around him. You might want to practice what you’ll say by writing it down in your journal. If your husband is someone you can work with on this, come up with mutually agreed upon terms for how you’ll cooperate in the future on the business front. This is easier said than done, I know. So you might also consider going to a marriage counselor who can help you work through these issues together (If he’s acting this way now, is it safe to say some of this behavior was going on before you became co-workers?).

Dig deep. In my own life, I’ve found that not dealing with my stuff (like growing up with family addicts and all the awesome;) stuff that comes along with that sich) messed with my “business” on the homefront. I could be controlling and critical and fearful on the drop of a dime. I needed to get help before I could create more respect in my heart and marriage (for me this has shaped up as therapy and support groups like Al-Anon and lots of open converations with people from my friends to my husband—I’m still working it, believe me!). Are there any Big Hurts that need your attention? E.g. the verbal abuse (and that's what I consider put-downs of any sort) from your husband is something I’d encourage you to get help around asap. Also, think about the consequences if things don’t change on the major issues, like [“If working together is going to cause all this stress on our relationship, and things don’t change, then maybe we shouldn’t work together...”].

Take care of you. In the meantime, each and every day take care of yourself (eat, sleep, have quiet time, walk). Focus on and soak in your passions—this builds your confidence, self-respect and resilience during hard times like these. Lastly, reach out to your sisters. Sisterhood is another respect basic and for good reason: When you are diminished, I am diminished. When you are successful, I am successful. Don’t be embarrassed to go to your girlfriends for shoulders to lean on and ears to bend. You’ll be surprised to learn how they struggle too, and that they will listen with open hearts. If you don’t have close friends, put this high on your list of things to do for you. Take a risk and start creating strong relationships (another basic) and speaking up with your friends about what’s really going on with you (yet another basic). We all need support on the path to respect—and that need never goes away.

Comments (1) | by Courtney on February 2

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A growing number of young women today are in a constant identity struggle to be viewed as both the hot, desired girl as well as the successful, independent woman, according to a recent study conducted in the U.S. and Canada by global market-research firm Synovate.

Rx: This is exactly what girls told us when we were writing RESPECT, and a struggle we point to again and again in the book. Girls are told they can be anything they want to be. BUT to be “successful” “liked” “wanted” they are also given constant prescriptions about how to package themselves (mostly as objects of desire and the picture of perfection). This mixed message—expectation—does one thing: It distracts young women from living a passion-filled life and reaching their true potential. Am I right, girls?

This latest study of women aged 16 to 25 found they are stressing about the following stuff:

70% said they are not happy with their body.

38% said that they would get plastic surgery if they had the money.

61% said that their biggest fear is not finding a career they love.

69% feel it is important that they make a lot of money when they are older.

39% believe they are growing up too fast.

The report goes on to say:

The need to be attractive through external reinforcement from peers and society is in constant struggle with the need to feel competent and independent through self/internal reinforcement.

Surprisingly, being young doesn't have the same appeal to these women as it used to. The high levels of stress young women are facing in their twenties is causing the majority of them to actually look forward to their thirties in the hopes that they will have what they want out of life by then.

This intense need to live a perfect life can also destroy their ability to accept failure.

I find it promising that some young women look forward to being 30-something and hopefully being old enough to know better. So what do we want young women to know? And what do we big sisters need to show? I say this:

* Organizing your entire life, thoughts, spending, goals, and dreams around maintaining a certain body or beauty ideal weakens girl power. As investments go, over time this strategy will leave you feeling bankrupt and ripped off.

* Real fulfillment comes from: Caring about yourself. Appreciating your uniqueness. Respecting your needs. Exploring your passions. Helping others. Contributing. Questioning anything that doesn’t feel right. Believing in and supporting other women. Learning from rejection and mistakes and moving on. Not seeing yourself as above or below anyone else. Knowing you’re here, you’re special, and you’re in charge of your experience and choices. Doing what you know you should do.

* Getting help is a good thing. When you’re worried about the future, how to succeed, or are struggling with your body image and self-care—ask for help. Talk to a big sister, mentor, mom, aunt, boss, teacher. Call a hotline if you’re really hurting. We’ve all been there. Nobody does this life thing alone. The key to success for any woman? Full-tilt sisterhood.

* Tell the truth. To compete with each other is to lie to each other. We keep up false impressions. We hide who we really are. We buy things we can’t afford. We act smarter than each other. We pretend we don’t bleed. For girls and women to reach their potential, we need to be free to be who we really are. We need to be OK with not being perfect and not being 100% together all the time. Instead of making each other feel inadequate (subtly or not), let’s show and tell each other the REAL truth: We all have what we need on the inside—creativity, love, resourcefulness, strength, peace, confidence, empathy, super-sonic intelligence, and a mission in life. Trust me, it’s true.

Comments (0) | by Courtney on August 11

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After talking to a few women lately about how to ask for better pay or how to tell their partners their truth about one thing or another—it got me thinking about my latest post for women.

The question is: Do you ask you for what you *really* want?

I don't mean: "I'll have a turkey sandwich, hold the mayo." Or snapping at your partner: "Can you please take out the trash?" I mean when it comes to your dreams, rights, needs, or those perpetual boundary-crossers in your life—do you ask for what you want?

I think the difference between having booming self-respect, versus being resentful/off-track/held back or standing for disrespect in your life, often comes down to what you ask for. Don’t get me wrong, this is not a call for the demanding divas of the world to unite and for the claws to come out. There's a lot of confusion among girls and women right now between what it means to ask for what you want, and being high-maintenance (Thanks J-Lo, Paris and The Real Housewives of Orange County!).

To ask for want you want is to say: You're worthy and you know your worth. You are not invisible. You know who you are and you are oh-so-special (like everyone else on the planet). You have a mission in life to fulfill (so outta your way, already). You don't need someone else to tell you this stuff—you get it—but still, you have some requests from time to time. And you just have to ask...

I'm trying to appeal to the always-nice girl in you who feels like a constant imposter or just lucky to get a bone (or second-hand bone chip): Yes, she needs to ask for what she wants. Here's where I'll get a bit daytime-TV on you. But truly, you need to look at the woman in the mirror ask yourself:

• What is my vision for my life?
• What is my passion-purpose?
• What really matters to me?
• What's missing from my life?
• What do I WANT?
• OK, so who's standing in my way? (I think you know her…)

When you're faced with an opportunity or a spot on that team or a chance to grab that brass ring or a big fat risk that's worth the reward or the option just to make yourself uncontrollably happy, are you going to settle for: What does [insert that biting voice in your head that says you're not good enough] think I deserve?

Oh, I hope you won't listen to that naysayer. She NEVER gets what she wants.

Instead, ask for what you want. Ask yourself for all those juicy little things you ever wanted. Ask for full-blown permission to be yourself. Ask for all those giganctico dreams you want to live out. Ask yourself to love your body and whole entire you. ASK. And say YES.

Then please do branch out from there to asking for what you want (by way of support or changing your life and world for the better) from your loves, family, employer, Congresswoman, and fellow (wo)man...And if you ask, and the answer is No, go around the corner and ask someone else.

Even better, just say YES to yourself. The results/goodies/rewards/love/acknowledgement/respect you want will show up if your request is from the heart and harmless to others. In other words, you can sprinkle your own magic fairy dust on yourself. Just say Yes and ride off into the sunset already.

Asking for what I want has never failed me. But I have, at times, failed to ask. Have you?

What do want right now that you're not asking for? Or how do you ask for what you want? POST your comment below and enter to WIN a Respect T-shirt!

Comments (0) | by Courtney on April 15

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Hey everyone it's Fat-Free Friday! As we cap off National Eating Disorders Awareness Week, take action by trying to stop speaking in the Language of Fat. Jessica Weiner, a NEDA ambassador and the author of Do I Look Fat in This?, says this means saying NO to:

• calling yourself or others fat.
• thinking in terms of weight, diet, food and fat.
• idealizing unrealistic imagery in the media.
• saying "Do I look fat In this?"

Read my interview with Jess and find how to WIN a free copy of her book here:

Q. What are girls and women really saying when we say "I feel fat!"?
Jessica: As girls in our culture we're often taught to be in competition and look at ourselves as enemies vs. friends. And we're taught to be in competition with our bodies and to try and look better than each other. At the same time, it's easy for us to bond over the size of our butt, thighs or bellies. Why? Because it's easier to try and control those things vs. why someone doesn't like us, or why our relationship isn't working our, or why we're frustrated with our family.

Q. If our friends or family are always talking about their weight and "being fat," how can we take action?
If you stop speaking the Language of Fat, it plants a seed that tells the girls in your life that it's not OK to talk like this. It's rewarding when you create a fat-free talk zone. You can love each other and not bond over your dislike of your bodies.

If you're hanging out with friends, mom or grandma and they're talking the Language of Fat, speak up. Try saying, "Fat is not really a feeling. What's really going on?" You don't have to try to change them, but speak up for you—silence equals consent.

Also, watch your own body talk, and watch the media you absorb. Monitor your thoughts so you're not buying into the hype. It sends a strong message when someone likes the skin they're in and cares about themselves. To be a role model, start with yourself.

Q. If girls and women stop talking the Language of Fat then what can we talk about instead?
Talk about your feelings before you talk about fat. Did you see a great movie lately? Don't just talk about how pretty the actress was, but what the movie had to say or how it made you feel. Talk about what makes you you. Do you love soccer? How do you feel about how girls are being treated around the world?

It's easier to go into a bathroom at school and talk about how ugly you feel vs. how poorly you did on a test. It can be more vulnerable to put yourself out there and talk about your real feelings or problems. But friendships are about being real and honest. We crave that and sometimes settle for the fat talk because it's the easy way out.

It wouldn't be real or fair to say I don’t have these thoughts sometimes, too. I'm still a girl in the world. What we can all do is try make sure our friendships are of substance and that we treat ourselves with loving words and action.

More Info>
• Read the Your Body and Your Media IQ chapters in RESPECT
• Try this!
• Get Help!
• RESPECT is a part of Dove's Real Beauty Book Club. Submit your review here!

Want to WIN a copy of Jessica's book? SUBMIT a comment below and tell me how you respect your body here or your fat-free talk story! Five readers will get a copy of the book and winning entries will be posted on Respect Rx.

Comments (2) | by Courtney on March 3

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Back in the day, I frantically cut off the bottoms of my knee socks to fashion myself some homemade leg warmers so that I could try to lose weight doing one of those morning workout shows. I "felt" fat and like I needed to get rid of my affliction. My poor mom, she was afflicted too. Like other women, she was on the cabbage soup diet or NutriSystem or these B-12 shots her doctor used to give her to go with her boiled chicken breasts. And like many young women marinating in this don't-eat-or-be-eaten culture, I started using the number on the scale as the main yardstick to measure whether I was worth a damn. The thing is, when I say young woman, I mean I was pretty young—a third-grade student to be exact.

This is the kind of story National Eating Disorders Awareness Week aims to help girls and women rewrite. And my friend Jessica Weiner, an ambassador for NEDA, offers a place for us to start in her new book, Do I Look Fat in This?

Jess' book is an action-oriented guide to deciphering the second language that most women on the planet speak: The Language of Fat. She points out (accurately) that fat is not a feeling (though we often seem to chalk it up that way). For the sake of our self-respect—and to meet our true potential in life—she wants us to not only name our real feelings but to stop spending all our mobile minutes fat-talking.

You know what I mean. Do you and your girlfriends always seem to circle back to talking about your behinds, points, or South Beach (and I'm *not* talking about Miami). I've heard women who can't stop talking with alarm about how large their tummies are getting. And these precious, amazing beauties are pregnant! Jess' book made me *feel* how much it actually hurts when *myself* and other women still use those dusty old yardsticks (scale, inches, dress size) to measure our worth. Talk about fuzzy math.

I've been weaning off fat-talk for some time now (starting when we wrote RESPECT). I mean when I saw the legacy being passed on to bright young girls (like studies in which they say they'd rather lose their arms than be fat!), I became determined that we could all talk about more impassioned topics. The economy, disaster relief, war, employment law, after-school programs, world peace, or the horror of Super Sweet 16, anyone?

However, in honor of NEDA Week, I'm committed to cleaning up my language—for good. In addition to actually treating my body (my home) with extra loving respect this week, I'm going to acknowledge my sisters (and self) based on more solid metrics: Like what a great mom you are. Your hard-working drive. Your big brain. Your big heart. Your big ears (because you're such a good listener). Your crazy-life juggling skills. Your problem-solving chops. Your genius insights. Your pure existence.

If you can't go on a total fat-talk fast this week, try this: When you have the urge to use the word "fat" or "pounds" or "weight," instead replace it with the word "smart." Like:
I feel SO smart.
How many smart grams does that have?
Do I look smart in this?
Mmmm, that dessert looks so smartening.
I can't believe how smart I am getting!
I can't eat another bite or I'll get smart. (Oh, in that case you should have seconds!).
No one loves me because I'm too smart. (Not likely)
I'll do that when I lose some smarts. (Unless you mean playing on the freeway, just go for it!)
I lost five smarts. (Hurry, get them back.)
You look great, have you lost some smarts? (GAWD, you'd never actually say that to a friend, right?)
I'm so over-smart. (That can't possibly be a bad thing).

All right women of the world, when it comes to our bodies (our selves), let's try harder to love the one we're with. And if you need more support in building your body respect (or know someone who does), check out the Help! section for more resources.

Comments (0) | by Courtney on February 28

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This might feel impossible to believe sometimes, but when people have disrespected you—even in the worst way—you still have tons of power. Why? Because respect is always within reach because true respect starts on the inside. You also have the power to use the F-word.

As in, forgiveness.

Here's the deal: When someone is awful or abusive, many girls say that they stay angry—for a really long time (I've been there!). Some women say they are still angry about what happened to them 5, 10, 20 or 40 years ago. And that anger isn't hurting the person(s) who disrespected us. When you stay angry with people, you're the one who feels it and suffers—not them! And when you're PO'd all the time (even when it's totally justified) it can block you from meeting your potential because you feel like a victim or want revenge or just can't stop thinking about it.

But you don't want to let those people or events keep running your life or busting up your self-respect, right? No way. To break this cycle (which is like violence in your heart and mind), start by getting help. No matter what's happened, there are people who care about you, who can support you, and who can help you heal even the deepest wound.

Then when you're ready, consider forgiveness. Now forgiving doesn't mean forgetting or excusing or becoming friends again. To forgive means to let go of the anger (a.k.a. resentment) you're holding. For example, many victims of really terrible crimes (or family members of victims) say forgiveness helps them keep healing their pain everyday. Without forgiveness, they find it hard to even think about anything but the crime.

So how do you forgive?

Think about a time when you blew it and hurt someone or yourself. Unfortunately, it feels like I have millions of these examples: I was rude to my mom. I gossiped about someone and she found out. I was really mean to a girl in school. I was short with my sweetie. I called myself a name. I made the same "mistake" for the 100th time.

When you feel like you messed up, are you hard on yourself? Do you still think you're a jerk months and months later? Do you talk down to yourself? Or even worse, do you keep disrespecting yourself and others the same way you did when this whole so-angry-at-yourself torture started?

Now that you know all about The 7 Respect Basics and Your Rights, then you understand than when we disrespect ourselves and others it's because we're not feelin' the love (or respect)—from the inside and outside. Bouncing back from so-called mistakes, learning from them and forgiving yourself is a big part of being self-respecting. Forgiveness is also the secret ingredient to bringing about peace (in you, your home, your life and around the world).

So start by having compassion for yourself. You deserve it. When disrespect has taken over, think about what you learned, why you made certain choices, and what you want to do differently in the future. Apologize to you, and start to move on (because when we don't forgive we get so super stuck!).

When you've practiced forgiving yourself, then try it out on others. Let's say someone has been downright dirty to you, can you forgive? Think about what could be going down that would lead the person to acting so disrespectful or abusive. Like, is he being treated that way home? Does she hate herself or abuse herself? Has he/she been abused by someone else? Did he get pushed around for years and is now on the defensive? If it's not possible to drum up compassion, then try the next step...

Even if the person has acted like your worst enemy, think about what your anger is doing to you. You don’t have to forgive the person in person. (Hey, I don't want to see people who did bad stuff to me—especially if they're not sorry. I need my boundaries.). But you can forgive in your heart.

When it comes to using the F-word, just remember, you're in charge of you. Even when people don't forgive you, instead of feeling bad forever and ever, you can forgive them for not forgiving you (ha!). People say the truth will set you free? Well, so can forgiveness.

More Info >
Quotes on forgiveness | RESPECT Chapter 2: Learn From Mistakes

llustration by Catherine LePage © Free Spirit Publishing Inc. 2005

Comments (0) | by Courtney on February 2

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Here's something I learned and live to tell you: Respect is your birthright! It's connected to everything from how you treat yourself, to the choices you make, to who you are and will become. And no matter what you're going through—like dealing with your feelings and body image, family, friends, BFs/GFs, and disrespect dilemmas like sexual harassment or abuse—respect is always the remedy. So how do you get the respect you deserve? It starts by knowing your rights.

You have a RIGHT to:

• Feel like you belong and are an equal

• Figure out what you need and take care of yourself

• Listen to your true feelings

• Speak your mind, change your mind, and question the world around you

• Be different from your family, your friends, and media ideals and images

• Feel and be safe

• Become independent

• Follow your passions and be the real you

Ready to claim your rights? Check out RESPECT to learn all about how getting respect—and fighting disrespect—can change your life forever (in a really good way).

Adapted from Respect: A Girl’s Guide to Getting Respect and Dealing When Your Line Is Crossed by Courtney Macavinta and Andrea Vander Pluym © 2005. Used with permission of Free Spirit Publishing Inc., Minneapolis, MN; 1-866-703-7322; www.freespirit.com. All rights reserved.Illustration by Catherine LePage © Free Spirit Publishing Inc. 2005

Comments (0) | by Courtney on January 31

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