• About
• Press
• Programs + Speaking
• Events
• Blogs
• Books
• Tools
• Coaching + Training
• Shop
• Contact

Did this headline make your heart flutter with hope? Did it make you want to rush to the bottom of this post so you’d find out the secret to happiness? Almost every celeb magazine on the stands in the past few months has run this coverline next to the “after” photos of closely watched stars: Janet Jackson, Britney Spears, the American Idols, and Jessica Simpson.

Celeb glossies aren’t even bothering to slap these canned articles with new headlines. Why should they? They all contain the same prescription—as in restrictive eating, body obsession and yogabosuboxalates exercise regimes—along with kudos to stars for dropping the weight. And nevermind going through the old motions of trying to shape these articles into so-called health stories. Does “How Jessica got THIN for her new man” sound “healthy” to you? Sometimes the stars themselves are not even interviewed for the articles. The magazine just anoints them newly skinny and super successful as a result.

These “celebrity wasting syndrome” stories are not the declarations of independence they claim to be. Rather, they’re proof of the largely mass-media induced Stockholm syndrome in which women and girls are loyal to the get-thin culture that enslaves and harms us. Sometimes we trust these body ideals and take them on as our own. Sometimes we use them to pour alcohol on our growing emotional wounds and deep-seeded feelings that we are not enough. And sometimes we use these celeb weight-loss cover stories as roadmaps to a (dangerous) way of life. At its worst, the THIN quest is passed from mom to daughter and can play out like this riveting documentary uncovers for some of the 5 million people in the U.S. who have *documented* eating disorders.

For me, the stroke of midnight this New Year’s Eve was finally NOT marked with the start of a white-knuckle diet of any sort (and it didn't begin with a thin-media hangover, either). For myself and girls everywhere, I've committed to something more: How to NOT live thin. And I even made it past January 1st.

Not that I don’t want more for myself this year. I want to: keep trusting my gut; remember that everything will be OK; get regular sleep, sunlight, walks, talks; laugh more and vacation more; read something more tantalizing than my bills; hang with my friends more (and remember important things like their b-days and their kids’ b-days); and connect with more mentors and role models.

Because the real me cares about more than how a woman (or myself) “got thin.” I want to know how she got filled up and sustained. I want to know how she honors herself—her true self. I want to know how girls are following their dreams and building new skills and changing their worlds (inside and out). I want to know how that wise woman I admire stopped trying to fit her square peg into a round hole.

And I want to devote my energies to more than spending another 5,840 hours this year racking my brain about how to lose weight, get fit, get noticed, get into that outfit and get love. Because honestly, isn’t that what this “How I Got Thin...” game is all about: Trying to fill the void of deep deprivation many of us feel? Maybe we feel deprived of: basic care * judgment-less living * intimacy * satisfaction at the end of each day that we are doing what we were born to do * the belief that we do matter * safety * the understanding that we are here for a reason * simple pleasures * R&R * joy * being heard...

The women and girls I talk with all the time seem to be mostly deprived (a little or a lot) of the unconditional, yummy love we all deserve—especially from ourselves. So here’s my pitch for girls and women everywhere: Don’t settle for binging on diet articles/content/programs this new year. Go ahead and deprive yourself of this misery. Instead, dig in and feed yourSELF. Live phat not thin. Not sure where to start nibbling? Here are the 3 ways I’m indulging my craving for richer self-respect:

Resolution No. 1: Asking for help
This has to be my favorite Respect Basic right now. You know that thing that is gnawing at you year-after-year or minute-by-minute? That thing that makes you want to bang your head against a wall, cry like a baby, or dig a hole to the center of the earth so you can hide until the next century? Now, if you want *it* to stop eating at you, put it on your plate. Pick something big and juicy—but not unless you’re willing to reach out for support or *it* could swallow you (or already has). Then call a friend. Call a helpline. Call your doctor. Call a therapist or counselor. Or do some Web research and then make that call. Go to a free support group or your place of worship. Just reach out.

Want to hear how I’m getting help for the crazy, invisible soul-eating bacteria that I couldn’t shake by sticking to a “diet” this new year (or ever!)? Right now I’m getting help dealing with having drug and alcohol addiction all around me since childhood. I thought I had it down—the tough-survival-mode-girl thing. Well it wasn’t workin’. And no amount of cupcakes (surprisingly) or control (calorie deprivation; over-achievement; strategic thinking) could make me feel better (or safer).

I’m also getting continued support around what the experts call self-care (i.e. how to be a good mommy to myself). Like, learning to stop typing at noon and eat lunch and get a drink of water and go to the bathroom and stretch and look out the window to daydream for geezuz sake. This might be a nicer thing to do for myself than wait until 8 p.m. to eat my first-ish meal of the day while half-passed out on the couch with razor blades stabbing my lower back and temporary blindness from not leaving my desk for 15 hours. Or it might be good to find helpful ways to feel my feelings, deal with stress and calm myself that don’t involve clawing at a bag of something crunchy (or pushing someone down a flight of stairs). It's all about baby steps. The motto I've learned is: "first things first." So before I conquer the world each day, I'm trying to do two things: eat breakfast and have some quiet time (for breathing, reading, being still).

I also invested in getting some coaching around pursuing some gigantic-feeling goals and taking steps to let my heartfelt passions truly be my guide (including inspiring and connecting with more teen girls and women than ever before!). One last thing: my relationship with money. I’m working on changing my mind about money. Money brings up feelings of scarcity for me. Not because I don’t have enough, but because no matter how much I have, I’m still afraid of $ and using it. On money: I’m reading The Soul of Money and plan to read this and I'm getting some professional advice for the first time.

WHEW. That's a lot of help-getting! So to chime in 2007, here’s how I’m “shapping up." Goodbye, empty diets and body makeover plans (BORING!). Hello, getting much-needed support so I get on with the business of being the real, fulfilled me (BLISS!). So I guess am dropping some weight: The fear and stuck-ness that can weigh down a girl.

Resolution No. 2: Setting more boundaries
Forget being thin. I just don't want to be spread too thin anymore. As a friend told me: I’m saying No to more things, so I can say Yes to the big things. I’m turning down stuff right and left so I can have a little room to accept the things I really want when they come my way—or to have more time to make them happen. So No I can’t write you a 5-page letter of recommendation for the 5th time, but I can send some words of encouragement your way. And No I can’t paint your house, but I can suggest some jazzy colors. And I’d like to chair that committee, but I’m all booked up sitting in my reading chair Tuesday nights. But Yes oh Yes, I can come to your school to talk to girls about how we can spread respect for all. Where do I sign? Another boundary I’m setting: I’m going on another celeb mag fast (see RESPECT page 62). I don’t want to feed the beast anymore (even for “research”).

Resolution No. 3: Being more honest
By default, being honest is a Respect Basic. It’s everything. To respect yourself is to be honest about who you are, what’s OK (and so not OK) with you, and what you believe in. Being honest also goes back to the first thing: Admitting when you need help. To keep boosting my self-respect—and start getting past some annoyingly repetitive hurdles—I’ve had to be super honest with myself of late. No spin allowed. In fact, I’m scared of what I’ll say next. [Like: I was up until 1 a.m. writing this post vs. sleeping—help!] But it’s a good thing. Because over the years I’ve put up a lot of fronts (i.e. I don’t need help. I’m right. I’m working out all my problems—wait, what problems?).

To have a beautiful life, airbrushing over the truth won’t do. Sometimes you need to start on the path to self-respect by admitting any ugly truths to yourself—including when you're being deprived of what *it* is you really need. (One hint: following your passions!) And usually *it* is inside you all along just waiting to be found (or remembered).

PS: Still hungry for those magazine diet secrets? Check out this and this instead.

HOW DID YOU GET PHAT? COMMENT BELOW TO ENTER WIN A FREE COPY OF RESPECT.

Comments (1) | by Courtney on January 24

email to a friend | link to this article

Sure, respect is an inside job. Every girl has to commit to finding, building and keeping her self-respect. But we can throw our support a sistah's way. We can encourage her that she’s worth the effort. We can be there for her when disrespect has got her down. That’s what this sisterhood thing is all about, right? Here are 5 ways to help a girl (or woman or friend) invest in her self-respect:

1. Point out her strengths
Forget dishing advice about a how a girl can improve when it comes to her weaknesses. Instead, compliment her on her strengths (she already has many, guaranteed!). Let her know how amazing she is and how impressed you are by her talents and gifts. Highlighting her strengths (daily if necessary) is essential: She might be focusing on what’s wrong with her and not see all that's special about her.

But it’s important not to attach pressure or a prescription to your compliment like: You’re so great at math, you should become an engineer. Here are the colleges you should apply to but they’re very tough to get into, so you should... Instead, plant a seed so she can grow by using her strengths, like: You’re so great at math, do you enjoy it? If the answer is yes: If you want to spend more time flexing your math brain, let me know. Would you want to help me balance the family’s checkbook? It’s an important job and you’d be awesome at it if you’re interested. Whether you’re a parent, coach, supervisor at work, teacher or mentor, give her tons of opportunities to play to her strengths so she can boost her confidence, skills and self-respect along the way.

2. Encourage her passions
You have your dreams, and the girls in your life have theirs (even if they don’t know it yet). Behind every poster child for self-respect is a long list of passions that are being pursued, fulfilled and never ignored. Cheer girls to go after their passions. Coach them about to explore their interests and balance their passions with their responsibilities. Support them however you can—whether it be a ride to lesson they never want to miss, packing them a snack to keep their energy up, or just asking them about their passions and how they make them feel. Share with them the limitless potential we all have. For inspiration, offer examples of your heroes and role models. Ask them who they admire and why. And accept when their passions change. Allow girls the flexibility to grow out passions and into new ones—always encourage them to try new things and that mistakes are lessons in disguise.

3. Tell her she can do it (but don’t always tell her how)
Every girl already is creative, resourceful and whole. The question as her advocate is: How can you draw out her power and gifts? No matter what challenge lies ahead, encourage her that she *can* do it. Then ask—not tell—her how she thinks she can achieve her goal, dream or task. In a supportive way (and when neither of you are frustrated) ask her open-ended questions like: How would you go about getting into that college? or What are some ways you might raise the money to go to music camp?

As you take the time to ask powerful questions, her own intelligent plan will unfold. Be patient. This approach can take longer because she is new to exploring options and making action plans. If you hang back but let her know you are there for her, she will likely ask you for some advice and support—and then you can give her the benefit of your wisdom and experience. By telling girls they can do it, and then letting them figure out how, they start to see how smart they are, take more ownership over their plans, and think more deeply about the possible outcomes of their choices.

4. Listen and respect her boundaries
Girls tell me that the No. 1 way they feel respected is when people listen to them. Sounds easy, right? When girls are sharing their feelings, dreams or disappointments, press your lips together, open your ears and lean in. They are giving you a gift. When girls share, it’s the chance to see inside their hearts and pick up clues about how you can support them in becoming who they are supposed to be. When you are truly listening to them (without butting in or offering advice or discounting their feelings because they scare you) they are seeing respect in action. Also, listening to their thoughts and ideas is part of coaching them about how to make self-respecting decisions. It reinforces that they and their feelings count (isn’t this what we all need?).

Girls say they need to be able to talk without fear or judgment. Otherwise, they start to shut out their advocates, stop asking questions and don’t ask for support. So it’s all about listening. Young people have things to teach us too! And when they set boundaries, listen harder than ever before. Because if a girl can’t set boundaries in the safety of her own home, how is she going to enforce her boundaries to protect herself and not be doormat out in the real world? Like if she says: Mom, can you not ask me tons of questions right when I get home from school? Or, It hurts my feelings when you criticize how I do things. Listen and then negotiate an alternative that works for both of you. She’ll feel respected, you’ll feel like you can still positively influence her...and respect will start to rule under your roof.

5. Respect yourself, too
Respecting ourselves is a life-long practice. Show the girls in your life how it works for you. Learn and live The 7 Respect Basics—from following your passions to listening to your gut.

Show her (even if you’re still working on it) how you take care of and appreciate your mind, body and soul. Show her how you value yourself based on more than what you have or how you look. Show her how you support other women and don’t put them down. Show her how you do things that you love and that enrich your life. Show her your integrity by telling and living your truth. Show her how when you are dealing with disrespect—unhealthy relationships, negative self-talk, too much stress, depression, addictions, etc.—how you’re not afraid to get help. Show her how you surround yourself with people who respect themselves and want you to be yourself. Show her that she doesn’t have to be perfect and how to learn from mistakes instead of letting them define her. Show her that you are forgiving of yourself and others. Show her how to treat people equally and not violate others' rights. Show her that even if we’re not always set up for success, that true respect starts on the inside.

If you work toward loving and respecting yourself and others in her presence, she will learn how to do it too. Mission accomplished.

Comments (0) | by Courtney on November 8

email to a friend | link to this article

Real Girl Serar explores what's so special about being herself. And so can you.

Go to page 21 in RESPECT to complete The Real You activity in your journal. Here's Serar's journal entry. She rocks and so do you!

I am unique because: there is no one else in the world like me.

My secret talents are: singing and dancing (sometimes I’m too shy !)

I feel best about myself when: I have a positive attitude and am ready to take on the world.

The things I like most about myself are: I’m strong willed and can do anything I set my mind to.

I’m worth respecting because: I give others the respect they deserve.

Activity adapted from Respect: A Girl’s Guide to Getting Respect and Dealing When Your Line Is Crossed by Courtney Macavinta and Andrea Vander Pluym © 2005. Used with permission of Free Spirit Publishing Inc., Minneapolis, MN; 1-866-703-7322; www.freespirit.com. All rights reserved. © Free Spirit Publishing Inc. 2005

Comments (0) | by Courtney on September 11

email to a friend | link to this article

RESPECT has tons of journaling activities to help you find out what respect really means to you. Here Real Girl Serar, 17, gives us a sneak a peek into her journal as she picks her brain about who she is, what she wants, and how to respect herself like nobody's business:

1. What does respect mean to you?

Respect to me is just giving and getting what you deserve. It’s about appreciating other people and loving the person you are. Respect shows when you are confident in yourself and secure in everything that you do. Respect is the basis of any relationship, whether with family or friends, or even your boyfriend. Respecting the people in your life is one of the best things you could do...you’ll find that your relationships are based off of love and honesty rather than superficial fixations.

2. How are you getting and giving respect?

I definitely have a great deal of respect for the people in my life. Without respect, life at home would be complete and utter chaos. Not only am I learning how to respect others from my parents, they’re also learning about respecting me ! It takes a while to sort out a rocky relationship with your folks, but I know that my parents are doing everything they can to hear me out and appreciate my opinions and what I have to say. That means the world to me.

3. Name the people in your life you most respect. Why do you admire them?

Definitely my parents. They’ve both been through so much as kids at a young age. They’re just incredible. They have so much respect for others and they have the kindest hearts--it really shows.

4. Are all of Your Rights being honored by you and those around you? If so, how? If not, why?

Not necessarily. I wouldn’t be able to pinpoint every time this happens, but there always going to be people who could care less about respecting you. Sometimes they are trying to take advantage of you, other times they’re just being ruthless. But whatever the case, you just have to make sure that you know your boundaries and are willing to speak up if your gut tells you to do so.

5. Think about some disrespectful situations you’ve dealt with recently. How did you handle things? What could you have done differently? What might happen next time?

It was with a guy. Sometimes you think you know someone and just as you’re getting to know them (or not) the nasty side creeps up on you. He had absolutely no respect for me at all. How can you really tell from the beginning that this guy is a player if you’re caught up in his game? Next time, I’m not going to stick up for people I don’t know, and I’m also going to listen to my gut and go with what it says. I deserve more than that. And there’s no way I’m letting anyone push my boundaries again.

MORE INFO
Go to RESPECT Chapter 1: Page 17 to find this activity.

Questions adapted from Respect: A Girl’s Guide to Getting Respect and Dealing When Your Line Is Crossed by Courtney Macavinta and Andrea Vander Pluym © 2005. Used with permission of Free Spirit Publishing Inc., Minneapolis, MN; 1-866-703-7322; www.freespirit.com. All rights reserved. © Free Spirit Publishing Inc. 2005

Comments (0) | by Courtney on August 14

email to a friend | link to this article