Oh, self-care. For many of us that term means "me time." You know: spa days, a good book, bubble baths, yoga, and all that jazz. Self-care is often a list in a magazine of things to surround yourself with that tend to smell fruity or can come down to a swipe of a credit card at the mall.
Now, more than ever, self-care needs to mean so much more. Self-care is actually the ultimate form of self-respect. Maybe it can even save the world? Stay with me...
Because here's the thing I don't always want to admit: When my self-care sucks, my integrity wanes. I cancel on you at the last-minute. I show up half-hearted. I'm more cranky and close-minded. I don't pay attention. I make more messes. I'm not as helpful. That one really sucks because my No. 1 goal in life is to be of service. So self-care is really that important for me. Or I actually get really off track in life. And I want my partners (professional and romantic) to up their self-care too—otherwise everything suffers. We're not fooling anyone (and neither are you).
For me, honest self-care doesn't mean cramming in 50 minutes at the gym in which the whole time I'm thinking about what I'll make for dinner and that the engine light is on in my car and that she had some nerve. So if it's not just about bubble baths and hitting the gym, what does this "self-care" stuff mean?
One of the definitions of care is: "watchful attention." I love this definition. This is where I smell the world-changing potential of real self-care. To this end, I've broken self-care down into a totally scientific process I call S.T.O.P. Try it!
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S is for savor...
I can talk fast, connect the dots fast, eat fast, and launch ideas and programs fast. There is nothing wrong with that. My impatience and speed can create positive change.
Savor, on the other hand, makes me think of gooey, homemade macaroni and cheese. Or breathing in salty sea air as the fog spritzes my face. Or lingering in a warm hug from my sweetie. Or letting it sink in when someone says something that really floors me at a Respect Rally (like an 11-year-old girl who said after a visualization that "her Future Self told her to respect herself today to reach her goals tomorrow." Mmmmm....)
Savor is a tantalizing way to say slow down. Do I really want to rush to the bank to check my balance anyway? Do I want to rush to another birthday? Do I want to learn all my lessons today and be bored out of mind for the next 50 years? No. Savor also means I notice that the other forces besides my bright ideas are at play in the universe. Hmmm.
Here's the even more challenging part, though. I'm even attempting to savor walking through my fires. Moving house, fixing busted pipes, using my resources wisely, finishing an intense training program, growing Respect Rx, dark moods, losing contracts, pitching new business, the ending of a 10-year relationship (i.e. divorce), paying taxes, conflicts in new relationships. Savor this stuff? It's worth a try. Because I want to learn my lessons real good to make room for new experiences. I also love that feeling when you look back and can say: I made it through. I was OK. I am OK.
What I've heard and learned: What you resist will just persist. I.e. you could get deadly heart disease eating tons of gooey, homemade macaroni and cheese you never even had the pleasure of tasting. Bummer.
For you:
• What do you want to savor right now?
T is for talk it out...
I wish someone would start Economy Anonymous or Freaked-Out Anonymous or Worst-Mood-Ever Anonymous. As someone who's greatly benefited from the world of "anons" I think we could all use safe spaces to talk stuff out as part of our self-care. And I don't mean just calling your BF and venting. Or supposed problem-solving with your partner at the end of a long day when you're maxed out.
I mean participating in a community where there is a "pact" about honest sharing and deep listening. Where you can say what you need to say; and hear what you need to hear. Whether it be your church, a conference call you set up with friends each week around a theme (my friends and I did this around money), or a support group that has a facilitator or counselor on hand. It's about leaning into others and being leaned on.
For you:
• What would make you feel less alone right now?
• What step will you take to create that support?
O is for opt-out...
This one is simple. Self-care means setting boundaries. Creating a little space around you. Freeing up time to do some "resentment-prevention" work (for me this is where bubble baths, reading, sleep, and running do come in). My sweetie offers this test: If you look at your cat and think he has the best life ever and you would sell your soul to trade places with him, it's time for more self-care of the opting-out flavor. You can also opt-out of "shoulds" that hound you or beliefs that aren't working for you anymore. Whatever it takes to take better care of you.
For you:
• What do you want to opt out of right now?
P is for pause...
When I'm about to intentionally hurl myself down some stairs (or push you down them!), whoa, it's time to pause. Hot-faced irritation and generally hating on myself or others to excess means I need to pause:). I'm a proponent of spreading respect after all—my rep is on the line here! That feeling that I don't want to do my beautiful, fulfilling work because it is feeling like too much "work" means I need to pause. Pausing could be simply asking myself: What do I need right now? Water? To pee? Oxygen anyone?
Pause doesn't mean to retire or not care. It means be where you're at. Or let some stuff marinate before you make the next move. Celebrate for goodness sake. Maybe you need to pause to shine your flashlight on an area of your life that needs more of that watchful attention. After I do a lot of fun, empowering work with people, I've learned to pause. The Google Calendar needs to be color-block free. Then I can resume regular programming with some presence. Savor and Pause are obviously good friends.
Most often, I need to pause before I attempt to go fast again. Because I like going fast. That's me. Fulfillment can't wait! So that's why for me P is for pause because I don't want to reach for another P instead—like Pull the Plug.
For you:
• Where do you need to pause?
Self-care has grown up for me. Bubble baths are nice, but too many dry out my skin:) or they are pointless if I'm just soaking in my worries. Self-care now means self-respect. And it requires daily recommitment. And some days I fail miserably. And that's just another time to S.T.O.P.
When I'm paying "watchful attention," it means I show myself through my actions that I'm a valuable resource. It means I have a healthy respect for what can really be accomplished in a day by this imperfect human being. At its simplest, self-care to me now means that I truly see, smell, chew, taste and give gratitude for my plate of gooey, homemade macaroni and cheese. And life.
For you:
• What would our world gain if you STOPped to take real care of you?
• And how would your world change?
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, where she makes the case for more respect. She talks about how when you have self-respect, you can spread respect—and you know that's our message. She also discusses the collateral damage when businesses, schools and families drown in disrespect. Running out today to read it cover to cover. I'm so excited she's elevating RESPECT to a national conversation.
