Yesterday I was honored to be a part of the very hard-working crowd at the White House event commemorating Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Vice President Biden, author of the Violence Against Women Act (VAWA), and President Obama both spoke in detail about what they (and their partners) are doing to end violence against women.

The hard truth: One-in-every-four women experiences domestic violence during their lifetimes and more than 20 million women in the U.S. have been victims of rape.

I was so proud to be able to speak personally with the Vice President and Rep. Donna Edwards (D-MD) about the importance of helping domestic violence victims get on their feet and stay safe as they try to leave their abusers. The economic strategy piece is so needed. When my mom tried to leave her situation (back in the 1970s) she walked to the bank and asked the manager for $50 loan. Thank god he said yes. But that was her only hope. We need to offer countless lifelines instead.

For example, the President noted that the Department of Housing and Urban Development released new rules today to prevent the victims of domestic violence from being evicted or denied assisted housing because a crime was committed against them. And the Vice President and the DOJ are launching a new effort to help victims of domestic abuse find lawyers to represent them pro bono.

Also a focus: Children need help recovering or they'll be crippled by the effects of domestic violence--or worse--become abusers, adult victims, addicts or miss their chance to thrive. Baseball manager Joe Torre spoke at the event about growing up in an abusive household the lifelong scars he carried as a result. That's my story. And it's the story of tens of millions of other children. I got help--I'm still getting it--but many don't know how. Or when they reach out the helping hand has been cut off (funding-wise that is).

Still there is work to be done. You need to decide if you support the agenda. The Vice President spoke of how 22,000 calls a month still come into the Domestic Violence Hotline from primarily women. And those are the ones who risk it to reach out.

The coordinated effort that is needed is being helped along by the White House Council on Girls and Women. (Thank you!)

Meanwhile, we'll be doing our part: Teaching respect for oneself and others as well as building back respect when it is lost so you can thrive.

The President also said, "And if there's one group that I want to thank, am grateful for, it's people who are willing to tell their stories -- because it's hard." My father, who died 10 years ago, would be proud I broke the cycle. Because he told me his truth--he was also was a victim of abuse as a precious boy--and he eventually experienced some healing too. Tell Your Truth is a Respect Basic. And I'm glad I have.

I know more men than not who were sexually abused. I think because of the nature of my work, I've been honored to hear their truths. And most of these men have not healed. Some have died, in my opinion, as collateral damage (from addictions mostly). Others are alive but the innocent boy in them is dead. So they can't get close to people or thrive.

At least one got direct help and his life is powerful and full of love—especially for himself. The thought of my son ever being violated is not a dark place I can dip my feet.

I think these shows are living proof of how the road back to respect starts when you Tell Your Truth. And then I hope the next Respect Basic you tap into, especially we survivors of abuse, is Get Help.

• Help for boys and men

• Help for girls and women—and all people

"Bullycides" Prevention: 3 Ways Parents Can Spread Respect from Respect Rx on Vimeo.

The wave of shocking suicides by young adults, teens and tweens, who were allegedly being bullied and sexual harassed, have many parents, schools and communities reeling about how to stop the tide.

When a rash of troubling behavior—and tragic outcomes—like this hits, it's natural for parents, role models and youth alike to feel outraged or even powerless.

Yet the search for solutions can't be boiled down to passing new legislation or blaming everything from schools to technology. A radical shift in cultural norms needs to happen for long-term change to take hold here. Otherwise, we will forever be stuck with many disrespectful norms instead—from intolerance to bullying, cyberbullying, sexual harassment, violence, cliques (among teens and adults), the "-isms," homophobia and hating ourselves or others.

We all pay the price for not practicing a new normal: respect for all.

We can choose to change
I thought I wanted to make respect the new status quo before. As a new mom, now I’m beyond impatient. More than 15 of my friends and acquaintances had babies this year. My 8-month-old sweet boy was born on Valentines Day. I won’t "accept" these disrespectful norms for these babies. I won’t forget the young ones who took their lives after being pushed too far.

All of us deserve better. We all deserve to learn *how* to be compassionate with ourselves and others. To live as equals. To be safe. To be ourselves and have our rights protected by one another. To be respected and pass it on.

If this is too lofty of a goal for you right now, I want you to think bigger.

I had the honor last weekend to meet two peace and nonviolence activists who had to think bigger to change our world. And they’re still doing it.

Father John Dear was nominated by the Archbishop Desmond Tutu for the Nobel Peace Prize. Rev. Dr. Bernard Lafayette co-founded the groundbreaking Student Nonviolent Coordinating Committee (SNCC) in 1960 and worked side-by-side with Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

At the Carry the Vision conference in my community, Dr. Lafayette told the youth and adults there: “Fear can cause you to disrespect yourself.” Yet we have a choice both leaders reminded us. The choice is no longer violence or nonviolence. It’s nonviolence or nonexistence.

It’s heart-wrenching to think about the young people who chose this year alone to no longer exist amid violence. Phoebe Prince, Seth Walsh, Asher Brown, Billy Lucas, Carl Joseph Walker-Hoover, and now Tyler Clementi. Suicide is the second-leading cause of death among youths age 10 to 17. So there are likely others in which no one made the connection between being harassed, bullied or persecuted and their suicides. And let’s not forget the alleged "bullies" in all these cases (whether identified or not) represent a loss too. Lost self-respect and lost potential.

3 steps for parents and role models
Here's how to stay hopeful. There is a unifying social change goal we can call get behind. Even if disrespect has dragged us down or led us astray, I believe we all want respect for ourselves and others. And so we must all take steps to make this our default setting.

Parents and youth advocates: let’s start with ourselves by rallying for respect and practicing three key Respect Basics in our homes and communities.

RESPECT BASIC NO. 1: SET BOUNDARIES—SPEAK UP!
We all need to set boundaries and speak up to end disrespect. Go for zero tolerance and no bystanding. From the Internet to the dinner table, make your boundaries clear for respectful language and behavior under your roof. And think of a creative consequence when the line is crossed, like having your child volunteer with an organization that is fighting for equality or against hate crimes.

Look at your boundaries too. If this means you stop cussing, gossiping or putting down others in front of your kids—good start. If it means you actively say “no” when you see people being bullied or discriminated against—yes! Coach your kids or students how to safely and assertively set boundaries if they are being hurt or see someone else getting hurt.

RESPECT BASIC NO. 2: BE COMPASSIONATE—LISTEN
At the heart of these so-called bullycides is a major muscle that is underdeveloped: compassion. We need to develop compassionate habits in our hearts and homes. One way to start is by learning the Respect Levels of Listening. The first one is: It’s about ME. Guess what, we get to listen to our guts and set boundaries/be kind where needed. The second level is: It’s about UnderStanding (or "us"). The key here is getting curious about others who are different from us or who have different perspectives. Or just really listening (as if you could repeat what’s said word for word) when someone is sharing about themselves.

compassion: sympathetic consciousness of others' distress together with a desire to alleviate it

How to have compassion for ourselves is another skill we need to master. It's not easy, I know. I also can't know what was in Tyler Clementi’s heart when he took that leap. But somewhere in there, I’m guessing, was a sense of being unloved or unaccepted or unworthy. To have compassion for ourselves enables us to have compassion for others (and it works well the other way around too). Compassion can prompt us to take the next step when we are devastated by disrespect or we see someone else being harmed: Get Help.

RESPECT BASIC NO. 3: GET HELP
At a minimum, we can show our kids and the youth we support ways to be resourceful. They need to learn the value of getting help and what it looks like. For example, getting help can be talking to a trusted adult, calling an anonymous helpline, finding a support group, or if you need to, calling the cops! Ask your kids of all ages tonight: If you were being hurt, what are some ways you’d get help? And then brainstorm to make their list nice and long. You might not be on it. Don’t take it personal. The goal is for them to have many, many lifelines in their pocket.

If one of the Rutgers students accused of posting online video of Tyler had been operating from compassion, had set a boundary "no, stop, this isn't right," and had gotten help intervening from the dorm RA (for example), maybe we'd have a different outcome here.

Getting help needs to be the new normal vs. a risky move. And when our youth ask for help, we need to throw them a rope instantly and not let go. The worst thing that can happen when you ask for help (and I’ve been there) is to be left hanging. Part of this “getting help” skill we need to model is the resolve to never stop trying to keep get help when you need it. Our kids need to get the message that until they find a refuge and chance to recover, they are well worth the effort to keep trying.

And we need to create more refuges from disrespect. Is your home and heart one? If not, you now know right where to begin.